How do you justify cheating?

It’s a very unique story. I think the decision was the best and morally correct one could take in the unusual circumstances.

Justify?

I’m not sure you justify it. I think you can explain it. But justifications are for making things ok within a moral system. Depending on the moral system, that either can or cannot be done. I don’t think cheating can be justified in the prevailing Judeo-Christian moral system that a majority of jellies operate in. Maybe it can’t be justified in other moral systems. Maybe it is justifiable in Islam and Mormonism.

Justification is moral system dependent. I believe that if you want to justify it under the Judeo-Christian system, you have to change that system of morality. There is no justifying it. It is only possible to justify it outside of that system.

I don’t think this man did anything wrong providing his wife didn’t get hurt (as in feelings). They no longer had a marriage and he fell in love with someone else, you cannot blame the guy for that and his life shouldmn’t be on hold simply because of what happened to his wife. He was still their for her whilst being able to have another relationship.

But my point is that there are so many people on here saying that cheating is cheating. This guy is clearly cheating in his marriage…remember the vows “for better for worse”. I am intrigued to know if these people who think this, still say the same in this case?

@BeccaBoo I don’t think anyone would still defend this is as patent cheating unless they were so old-fashioned and conservative in their views that they wouldn’t coincide with the rest of the progressive siciety, anyway. I believe there is a natural selection of ideas, too lol.

@Blackberry but if you look at the answers on the other question (you know the one I am talking about) then it makes a mockery of what they are saying!! I am just throwing this situation in there as I would like to see what people think to it.

This is a very special circumstance. He was open and aboveboard (which makes it not cheating).

Bless them all for living through these very difficult circumstances. Bless the injured wife. Bless the tortured husband. Bless the true love and their offspring for living without legal protection.

@BeccaBoo Well, some of us are taking one for the team and suggesting it’s not so black and white. Because it really isn’t black and white, but some think it is, and the situation in your details is why.

Coz I never ever ever beat the wife & kids at monopoly & why do I never get to be the banke…....i’ve gotten this wrong haven’t I? ;¬}

Very unusual story. Well, I think cheating is unforgivable when both people in normal circumstances together. But your friend case is different due to the wife condition, and he has been honest all the way through, so he is not really cheating as he has been honest. Very sad story though and he’s very good to not abandon his wife. I must say many guys would have left.

@Blackberry Absolutly agree which is why I have put this here…..cheating is NOT always cheating!

@ucme Your so funny…always make me chuckle.

@BeccaBoo I don’t think that this is cheating. He has told everyone involved. He is honoring his marriage vows as best he can by taking care of his injured wife.

I don’t rally think that this informs the other discussion at all.

@BeccaBoo ;¬}

@marinelife Why not, the only one not in the loop is his wife? He is still commiting adultery in the eyes of god!! It’s made ok isn’t it because everyone is in the know. You think his wife understands?

I just understand how on one hand its being said that there is absolutly no way morally that cheating is acceptable on one hand, yet here in this case its ok?

@BeccaBoo This is the exception that proves the rule. Is his wife capable of understanding? He asked her family who stand in her stead. It would only hurt her to tell her probably (if she would even understand).

But you yourself said in the other question that its totally un-acceptable.

his wife does not know, he does not take his children over there and her family are back in SA and refused to take care of her. She has a level of understanding and has been improving somewhat, but suffers with some emotional difficulties. He has never told her, and still loves her.

Things are never as black and white as they seem. I have painted the picture that is obvious to everyone who see’s them. What I fail to leave out is how his wife tells her caretakers repeatedly that she loves and misses her husband, constantly asks where he is, and when is he coming home. So even though she has suffered she still knows whats going on, the fact he has never told her, and the family don’t care says a lot.

What I fail to leave out is how his wife tells her caretakers repeatedly that she loves and misses her husband, constantly asks where he is, and when is he coming home. So even though she has suffered she still knows whats going on, the fact he has never told her, and the family don’t care says a lot.

So @BeccaBoo your details were a trap to attract a certain response, then crap on the responses given?!

My heart breaks for the woman. But this is how I see it.

This is no longer a relationship for the wife. It is no longer a marriage and the man is no longer her husband. She probably sees him as a friend or just some one close to her. In this situation, either both these people can be unhappy or one of them can be slightly unhappy and the other extremely happy. He can leave her now but he chooses not to and instead takes care of her.

@BeccaBoo When you deal with people you deal with all kinds of gray areas. There are very few absolutes. I’d give him a break. If I was going to be in the woman’s position I’d want my s/o to live her life as best she could.

@SpatzieLover Hell No!!! Just want to put it across from both sides, his and hers!

@Adirondackwannabe I don’t have an opinion on this, he is a friend of my SO and was introduced to him, while this situation was already taken place. I am also friends with one of the wife’s caretakers, but I find this whole situation bizarre….But I have seen the husbands partner, and met his children. I have to say she (the GF) is amazing and very sensitive to the whole set up and is very understanding to her partners needs and wishe’s for his wife.

@BeccaBoo It’s really sad what head injuries can do. It sounds like a bunch of people making the best of a lousy turn in life. I personally think good for them. He didn’t abandon the wife, and he’s living a reasonable life.

This is a sad situation. The man feels justified because he has come clean with the affair he already had entered into before informing everyone. Just because he got no resistance from them doesn’t excuse him to his injured wife.

You say the wife has the mentality of a child but does she recognize the husband and her husband or just some nice man/friend? If she believes he is her husband then this is crappy.

It’s not a simple situation. I know people that have had to make these decisions. One instance I know of, the wife was a dispatcher, the husband a machinist. She had better health coverage than he did. She wound up being diagnosed with MS. After discussing their options with their accountant, they realized the best situation for them would be to divorce. That way, she could get into a good care facility. Unfortunately, it was such a tough decision to make, they waited and did it too late. They lost their home, their cars and he lost his job. When they finally divorced, he had to go bankrupt.

So, here in the US the wisest thing to do would most likely be to divorce. That way, he’d be able to move on and keep his possessions.

Since he is refusing to divorce her, he has now set up his children and his girlfriend in a precarious position. If something happens to him, how will the children be cared for? I doubt that in sound mind, the wife would’ve chosen a situation anywhere close to this for her husband and his new family.

This is preisely why when you are thinking of getting married or are in a comitted relationship you discuss the what if’s. If this happened to me, I’d expect my husband to move on in a proper manner.

@SpatzieLover: This is why I believe all marrieds should have some sort of pre nup in case of freak occurances.

@Neizvestnaya I agree. And a POA set up so they have no question what their spouse wants in case of a medical emergency. That way no family member can step in and say “She’d have wanted to be a vegetable on life support for 30yrs”.

@BeccaBoo that sounds like a movie. I know it is a really story but indeed a lot of movies I saw were similar to it. If that man was a church going person he’d stick with her wife “for better and for worse”. Seems like he takes that vow to lightly. I can’t understand how can a person say something and then just take it back or refuse to keep his word.
It’s not likely he can just divorce to move on with his life. It’s not that simple. He might have other… anyway

Similar story. A vow to cherish

@Hibernate It does I suppose in the way I have worded it, but trust me this is real, he is a good guy. ( He is more friendly with my SO, but from what I have seen from him I think he is ok. I am more friendly with his GF and one of his wife’s carers has been a friend for a long time). He could divorce his wife, he has chosen not too. (Although on talking to my SO earlier about it, seems there is a life insurance policy that this guy could benifit from????)

I think like most people said on here, he is stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea, as they say. He loves her (although not in the same way anymore) and wont leave her to be left in the hands of private care homes. He wanted a family, that he could obviously not have with his wife now. He has been incrediably lucky in my opinion. His GF is amazing and very understanding.

But like my SO says its his life and he made the best choices that were made to him at the time, cheater or not!

Cheating is more about going behind someone’s back and lying to them & others about such activities. Your example has no cue of malicious behavior and therefore is perfectly okay. In fact, I think the guy earned some respect by demonstrating that he really did/does love his wife by setting the rules upfront with his lover and asking permission from his wife’s parents and also by taking responsibility of taking care of his wife.

@BeccaBoo I do not question how true is the story. There’s no point to fabricate such an elaborate story just so to see how others react.
The only thing from your last post that bothers me [it’s not coming from you it’s just what happened]. It sickens me to see people fading their love for the once beloved. And since we are talking about an accident here I can’t understand how can he not love her.
I look at this situation like it’s a test for him. I hope he will pass it.

Sometimes life is about playing the cards that were given to you. So a good hand turned out to be a bad one. So what? You do not try to leave the game just because it seems like you have no chance anymore.

@Hibernate Who said his love faded? He’s still there for her. Many people get married specifically to begin a family. Clearly this man desired to have children.

@SpatzieLover You are completly right, I said it before and I will say it again, this man does STILL love his wife, and although it’s not the same, he wont divorce her out of his loyalty and respect that he’d hope she would have given to him, had the roles been reversed. And he did want a family and that chance was robbed from him, so he fortunatly found a woman that has been sympathetic to his situation and his wife’s and loves him reguardless.

Yea @BeccaBoo I wouldn’t want to trade to be in his position for anything, but it’s really difficult for me to find a reason to judge his predicament. He’s doing what feels right for him. I don’t know SA’s laws, but hopefully he’s provided for his GF & children should something happen to him.

Here, the GF would be taxed on whatever she inherited since she isn’t a spouse.

Well they live here in the UK and its the norm for people to live in un-married situation and bring children up together. He lives with his GF and their children. His wife still lives in their martial home and is cared for there. He has made provisions for them and I assume his wife also. The guy is in my opinion putting himself under enormous amounts of stress because of the situation, but if you approach it with him, he gets quite touchy, so I guess he is doing what he feels best for everyone. His GF works full-time so I suppose that is helping financially. They are a great family and he is dealing with more than most. I know I would have cracked by now.

@SpatzieLover Becca said and I quote “He loves her (although not in the same way anymore)”. Doesn’t this mean the love faded away? I did not say he doesn’t love her anymore but what happened? He loves her but not as much .. doesn’t it mean the love faded away?

No. It’s clear he has unconditional love for his wife. It would be near impossible to have romantic/sexual love for someone with permanent brain damage though, IMO. Since I don’t know him, I can only answer as if I were in his shoes…I have had to care for many relatives, including one that sustained brain damage. My love remained, but I needed to take on a caretaker role, not a niece/granddaughter/daughter role to those I’ve cared for.

Well that is true but even so it’s a pity to see these things.