Redux: How hard do you find it to accept criticism that may be valid?

In a much younger day I knew I was always right weren’t we all? but in my second half I’m willing to entertain the concept of occasional fallacy… ;-P

I’ve certainly become more open to criticism as I’ve aged. I would say that my first 40 years were spent largely in defensive mode. Always trying to explain how I’m right and you’re wrong.

The last 20 have allowed me to take a hard look at myself and understand that I may not be the smartest person in the room on all matters. And I’ve come to appreciate solid advice and criticism from those whose opinions I respect. I still reserve the right to be right, though ;-)

My brain usually tries to send me into ‘child’ mode, and it’s only if I’m not at my wits end that I am able to control it.

I think it depends on who it comes from and how much I respect them, I expect criticism from my best friends, if they can’t pull me up when I am doing wrong then who can?

I am generally stubborn as hell but usually pretty quick to admit I am wrong once the facts against me are unequivocally undeniable!

Receiving negative feedback is always hard, especially when it comes from people one really likes and appreciates. Being able to see value all feedback including negative feedback can be learned. Accepting the content and being able to say “good point” or “you may be right” can be learned too. But it takes time. I’m much better at it today than I was 20 years ago.

I find myself surprisingly calm because once it’s valid, it doesn’t bother me at all.

I used to react defensively, but I have come to take it in and reflect upon it and learn from it.

I readily admit that I am wrong if so proven.

I believe that the ability to self examine is a good barometer of ones mental/emotional health.

Sometimes it stings a bit, but, I am one that is very invested in healthy, open, honest communication.

The inability and hypersensitivity to any criticism, real or imagined, is reflective of some of the more severe mental pathologies.

Those of us that aspire to being emotionally healthy may not be above a little sting to our egos but, unlike the rigidity of true pathological personalities we are able, fairly quickly, to self reflect and show a willingness to take a look.

I have reached a time in my life where I swiftly let go of those that show me protecting their ego is more important to them than a willingness to grow and explore their own behaviors in any relationship.

I have one male friend that is my only, truly, “accountable” friend, we enjoy the most open and self examining conversations ever.

As much as I would like to believe that I can take it with grace, I do not do well with criticism. I pretty much get immediately defensive and try to explain all the reasons the person (usually my husband or sister) who leveled the criticism is wrong. I am working really hard to stop doing this and listen, but I’ll tell you what, it is an uphill battle.

I’m about half and half, sometimes I can definitely accept that I’m wrong, but other times I feel that people are not in a position to criticize me – they may not have had the right life experiences to understand where I’m coming from – and in those cases, I hold my ground. Sometimes it’s not fair to criticize someone if you’ve never been in their position.

I have been wrong about many things, and I continue to find more things that I am wrong about. I really don’t much about anything, and knowing that I will continue to be wrong about various things is a liberating feeling. I know that I will continue to grow and learn. The tom_g of 2011 finds the tom_g from 2001 to be a fool. I hope that the 2021 tom_g can look back on the 2011 tom_g and be equally as disgusted.

Point is: I try my hardest to be open to accept criticism, yet I know I have a ton of work left on this as well. Call this idiot out if I really am wrong.

Someone here a few months ago said something so brilliant and funny it really struck me and made an impact. They said:

“If one person says you’re a donkey, ignore them, if 10 people say you’re a donkey, buy a saddle.” lolol

Perfect!

I try mightily to drop my “defenses” when an error of mine is pointed out, or when I learn something of which I have been ignorant. Doing that allows me to learn, to improve my knowledge and to get smarter. I’m already pretty bright, and I know that. This is how I got that way. I make a lot of mistakes, they’re either pointed out to me or I spot them later on my own, and I admit it, learn, and move the bar higher.

Coloma’s reply is superb! One person’s opinion might not be all that important. If more than one person notices it and comments and after soul searching you find that it is true, it may be time to face facts and fess up to the situation by making some changes. Criticism is never easy to take. Changing your ways is also not easy- but worthwhile.

I love @Coloma‘s repsponse as well, but I am a bit nervous about argumentum ad populum fallacy. Sometimes, 10 people are wrong in saying you’re a donkey. But, I get the point.

As with everything education is paramount to understanding oneself and others.

To really have the “tools” one must have a good working knowledge of psychology, an understanding of pathology, an understanding of projection and how people, often, detest in others what they still need to work on, heal, within themselves.

We must know ourselves and our triggers and be on red alert for the stealth of ego. lol

These inner “clues” may not be reflective, in an exact way, bit they are pointers to those areas which still merit examination.
For instance, I detest liars, and while I do not, and have not, ever told a life altering lie to another, I might need to examine how I might lie to MYSELF, even in small ways, such as ” Oh, what the hell, you can afford to spend X amount of dollars on this”...can I, really, or am I being self deceptive?

As this “work” progresses it is then possible to notice lies and deceptions in others from a place of consciousness and rather, than feeling defensive from one’s own unhealed and unacknowledged issues, this behavior just simply, ceases to resonate within, and one can observe without reactivity.

It’s a LOT of work, and very few ever really take themselves to task.

Not very hard, I like improving myself.

I’ve always taken criticism well, warranted or not. I guess it’s because speaking up in my family got you a smack to the head. So when people criticize me, I never really say anything other than sorry. If I think I can gain from the criticism then I consider it, if not, I just ignore it.

Not well. I explore my behavior and why’s for it continually. I don’t think criticism is usually well-meaning so maybe that’s why. Evaluations for work were meaningfull but personal criticism is usually uncalled for, I think. And it depends who it’s coming from.

If a good point is made, I do admit to its validity. I never say “you may be right”, because it makes it sound as though my position on whatever the topic is can be easily moved.
When I was younger, I was incredibly rigid on any and all issues. If my mind was changed about something, it was through regular conversation, not direct debate. Only when someone wasn’t making their view known to me, only mentioning it because it happened to be on topic at the time. Then their view sort of “osmosis’d” in, past my defenses.
(I do however, still maintain a high level of stubbornness.)

It depends on the topic at hand, and who the criticism is coming from if I am to be honest. Generally I like to think I am open to criticism and learning. I do hand out “good point,” and, “I am going to think about what you said.” Sometimes out of the gate I might be defensive, but usually can calm down and listen. I don’t know, probably jellies here in our collective have an opinion about how I react to opposition and challenges to my ideas.

@JLeslie

I’ve always found you to be open minded, unless my observational capacities have overlooked something. lol

My “weak” spot of ego is in dealing with blatantly immoral rationalization.

I won’t budge when it comes to someone arguing their “right” to do harmful things that involve dishonesty and sociopathic disregard for the feelings of others and their “right” to make informed choices free of deception.

I take what I call the “psycho-spiritual” approach, ” Namaste, fuck off!” lolol

@all: I am finding this an enlightened and heartening discussion. More, please.

Yes, it’s all in the catch. I fell from grace yesterday, allowing myself to engage in a brick wall head banging session with another member that I absolutely cannot find much to empathize with.

We are all works in progress and as long as we are aware enough to catch ourselves before we slide ALL the way off the cliff..well, small victories count. haha

I’m pretty good in catching myself, I often apologize if I interrupt when my enthusiasm gets the best of me. Most recently, I caught and apologized to a friend for offering unsolicited advice.

One step forward and one step backward at times, but better than stuck in backwards all the time. At least I know there are other gears I can shift into. lol

It depends on who it’s coming from. If it’s a person whose opinion I respect, I am much more likely to pause and think about their words before reacting in any way. If I find the criticism to be valid, I acknowledge it and am generally not defensive about it. It makes me think, learn and grow, so I’m all about that.

If, however, it comes from certain people in my life, I do get defensive. One person in particular seems to criticize just about everything I do, so it’s pretty hard to weed out the useful from the petty or vengeful.

@augustlan

Yes, the ongoing journey. :-)

Someone that is constantly critical is actually being emotionally abusive and you have every right to tell them to back off.