Your'e in a comedy bar and you end up on stage to do impromptu stand-up, what would you say?

I would honestly just steal jokes from other comedians lol. I can’t make stuff up on the spot like that.

“Anal sex is a lot like spinach…...If you’re forced to have it as a kid, you won’t enjoy it as an adult….”

“Anyone ever been to Ross for less? Have you seen this nightmare? Everything’s on the floor….I walked into a Ross the other day and I thought I was in downtown Beirut….”

“Booooooooooooooooooo…...
......Booooooooooooooooooooooooo”
“Get off, fuckers…..”

That actually happened to me thirty years ago. I don’t recall – not a word! – what I said, and I wasn’t the winner of the impromptu comedy auditions, but I finished a pretty close second.

I was drunk, yeah, but it’s the “thirty years,” not the fact that I was drunk, that has made me forget. People were congratulating me on my ‘performance’ for days afterward. I thought about it for about five seconds, but I wasn’t about to quit a lucrative day job for that uncertain future, either.

Said in imitation foreign accent:

My zon eez reely eento camra. DSLR. Espezially de onez veeth auto-fuck-us.

Eez only eleven. Eez too young for eem to uzing zex doys, I theenk. Eezpezially eef eet eez a camra.

Am wondring. Vy eez peenut on railroad track? Vat eez mezzage vor cheeldren? Can anyone tell me? Vy eez peenut heart all a-flutter? Eez zgared? Eez heppy? Vere eez peanut come vrom? You tell me dat?

Toot, toot peanut booter? Vat eez mezzage vor cheeldren? Cheeldren is leetle. Only 3 or 4. Already eez facing ‘orrible vacts. Eef you stand on railroad track, you zoon become peenut booter. Vy eez peenut not move? Vy eez no one rezgue eem? Vee teech zee keedz not to care. Dey laffing. Poor peenut. I bet ee is no geeven grave, eider. I decided. Am starting voundation vor zee memorial for eempoverished peenutz.

I wouldn’t say anything. The only way you would get me up there is to shoot me and drag my dead body up on stage.

Oh, man. I wish you’d’a been there with me, @WestRiverrat. I know I could’a won with a prop like that!

My girlfriend asked me the other day, why am I so obcessed with anal sex. I told her it’s not that I’m obcessed, it’s not even a fetish or anything like that, it’s just about fairness and equal rights. You see… girls are always dating losers and fucking assholes, so I figured why shouldn’t I.

This is actually on my bucket list, to write my own stand up routine and go for an open mic night moment. :-D

I’m quick on the ad lib and have so many topics to choose from, infact, I have been keeping a journal of potential material for about 6 months now.
Most of my stuff is born from my wacky lifestyle living in the hills and from my myriad encounters with, shall we say, “colorful” characters and lots of psychological humor, the insane rationalizations people come up with, and, I could do an entire hours worth of jokes on manipulative personalities. lol

Animal humor and various inane encounters with wildlife on my mountain is another gold mine of material along with 101 uses uses for Astroglide. haha
Somewhere out there a lizard runs free after being lubed out of a tight spot in a flower pot.

I really hope I can muster the courage to try my hand ( mouth ) at some stand up comedy one day.

@Coloma Come, come…let us hear those other ticklish anecdotes, one or two would be good…an act with Marvyn on the stage perhaps?

@wundayatta That was great. Never thought a glut of Z’s and V’s could be that funny.

I suffer from stage fright, so this situation simply wouldn’t happen.
However, if it did, I would simply start doing Kareoke.

@mazingerz88

Well..turns out I just had an opportunity to create a joke in another posters question.

They asked about a new diet fad, African MANGOES ( their spelling)

At 1st glance I thought it said ” African MONGOOSE” lol

Yep, the African Mongoose diet, lost weight eating Cobras. haha

I’d try to recite some George Carlin stuff.

But in all reality, I’d probably just say something stupid like this.

“How do you get a witch pregnant?” ...........................“You fuck her”. lol :)

pick on the president.

As my hands would go up to my forehead to make a shadow for my eyes, my opening dialog would be, “DAMN! THESE FRIGGIN’ LIGHTS ARE BLINDING!”..

Seeing as I could DOOLITTLE else, I would sing:

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair,
Aow, wouldn’t it be LURVERLY
Lots of choc’lates for me to eat,
Lots of coal makin’ lots of ‘eat.
Warm face, warm ‘ands, warm feet,
Aow, wouldn’t it be LURVERLY
Aow, so LURVERLY sittin’ abso-bloomin’-lutely still.
I would never budge ‘till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
Someone’s ‘ead restin’ on my knee,
Warm an’ tender as ‘e can be.
‘ho takes good care of me,
Aow, wouldn’t it be LURVERLY
LURVERLY, LURVERLY, LURVERLY, LURVERLY