Have you been controlling with you S/O?

This is a tough question to answer because you have to incriminate yourself. Luckily, I don’t mind. It’s all part of the learning process.

Years ago I was a bit controlling with my wife, which to her was threatening. Even though I didn’t physically or verbally threaten her in the literal sense, she was threatened by my behavior. There were a couple of reasons (not good ones, just reasons):

1. I had a preconceived notion of what a wife was supposed to be/say/do. It caused friction because my ignorant notion did not jive with what she was/said/did. My mind was closed. It is now open.

2. I simply did not realize I was doing it at the time. I’ve since woken up.

3. I’m sure my childhood had something to do with it but that sounds too much like an excuse for me to even elaborate on it.

Years have passed now and fortunately I married a tough woman who was able to endure the tedious husband learning curve I was experiencing.

The lessons continue

yes.

I don’t think so. o_o. She’s pretty hard to read, though, so I might be and not be realizing it. Dangit, now you’ve gotten me worrying.

I’ve been manipulative in past relationships which I’m not proud of – I’ve taken those experiences on board though and tried to learn from them.

Yes I have. Still feel very bad about it too. I’m such a screw up. :/

Controlling? I guess. But I had to manipulate her to dump me… Kind of a long story that resulted from one night of thinking with my dick and nigh a year of stress because if I dumped her she’s pull statutory rape charges on my ass. In this case, and perhaps in cases similar to it, I think it is utterly justified to be manipulative and controlling (to make her become disgusted with me) and I have no regrets here. Okay, maybe a little but nothing significant.

Why would you want to control the one you love? Their not your property

Thank you all for taking time to answer. @missxamanda I was just asking this question because my bestie got into a fight with her S/O and was being what seemed controlling and even went as far as to threaten him.

Is this question for the men too?

@woodcutter I hope so since I answered

I don’t think I’ve ever been controlling. I suppose it is something I would have to ask about. I’ve never even considered the idea that one of my boyfriends would think me controlling. I have been manipulative. I never noticed it until my seeing someone who helped me realize that many things I do are more manipulative than I realized. He has been helping me improve, although he probably doesn’t realize it.

Nope. I actually didn’t care.

Doubtful. I tend to lean in the other direction, by really not trying to tie them down or lay down too many rules. It actually took a long time for my husband to get used to that, and sometimes he still has to adjust, even after all these years.

I’m far too laid back for any of that crap

Indeed when I was controlling I did not see it at that time. I’m glad to say she opened my eyes in a nice manner and we get along just fine now. [this happened a long, long time ago].

In nearly 40 years – sure sometimes.

I am the Master, they are my slave, of course I’m controlling, and they love it.

Yes, under duress and when I was in an unhealthy marriage to a cheater and a drinker.

He was even more so.

The power struggles were epic for years.

This was years ago, and I too, have done my “work”.

I have completely, 100% revised, what I believe relationship to be, and it certainly does not include control.

My “control” was fear based, while my ex’s was just plain opressive and based on dominance, power.

I can also say that while I was a “victim” of lots of dysfunction during that time, I also never lied or manipulated, where my ex was highly passive aggressive too and playing mind games was his strength. lol

I now believe that “traditional” ideas of relationship are very damaging.

Only sometimes, the mute button is a marvellous device ;¬}

Nope.

Sure, even when I knew it was a futile way to solve a problem I found myself sliding there. Out of anger for doing that, I made threats in order to put my foot down not to be further compromised. It was a huge clusterf__k for awhile. It seemed I did everything I could to break my partner down/drive him away in order to get him in position to choose a different way of living and treating himself in order for me to want to live with him.

“Suggesting” to one’s SO what they should or shouldn’t do, eat, think, or respond is sure a subtle control. We might like to call it “influence” though. Manipulation and control are just sooooooooo easy to do without realizing you are even at. I like the joke where a SO will say to his/her mate, “I am going to be more assertive, if that’s alright with you.”!!

@smilingheart1

Haha, another strong argument for doing self awareness work.

We’ve all been guilty of trying to persuade, as in ” aaaw, c’mon… ” fill in the blanks but, as long as one ultimately is respecting anothers answer/choice no biggie.

It’s the sneaky covert manipulators that make me want to kill. lol

@woodcutter yes, it is for men as well to answer. I really glad you all took the time to answer this question.

The one time I tried to be controlling was when my hubby made the worst decision to buy a car. He made the decision to appease a friend and not because it was in our best interest. I couldn’t get him to change his mind and for the next 5 years I wanted to take a baseball bat to that car.

My hubby came from an uber controlling mother. I spent years helping him to undo what she had done. Things like apologizing for everything and thanking me for everything. He had to see that he mattered too.

Controlling people only think they have control anyway.

No I haven’t. Sometimes I would like to but I don’t want to make him look else where, which I guess would happen if I started laying down the law. I would just hope that he would consider my feelings.