Does he just want a friendship?

I’m a guy and I have friends like you. I hate to say it but you are convenient. When someone comes along that he is really interested in he will go for that. When that doesn’t work out he still has you.

Friends, he sees you as a comfortable, fun and convenient female while he figures out how to get with other females he’s romantically interested in.

@johnpowell Hmm… but we haven’t had sex… last 2 times we met we were friends and chatting away…

@Neizvestnaya OK I just want to know why he was so supportive to me and kind when I was down…

@Londongirl: Don’t you kind of expect friends to be supportive when you’re down? Friends is a fortunate group to be in if you can work past romantic expectations.

Alert! Alert! You have just entered the unpleasant place called Friends With Benefits. Set him straight, or you will end up having casual sex with him, and he won’t commit to being your boyfriend. He already made that clear to you.

Unless you are OK with having casual, non-comitted sex, then tell this fellow that you simply cannot make out with him or have sex with him unless and until he is your real boyfriend, then ask him if he’s changed his mind about being a real boyfriend (which I seriously doubt)

There are 2 reasons why he is being emotionally supportive. He does like you, and does consider you to be a friend, and it’s super-easy to just listen to you, and most friends, casual or otherwise are usually pretty supportive.

The 2nd reason he is being supportive is that most slick guys know that if they act sympathetic then women will usually have sex with them.

He hasn’t said that he loves you, he hasn’t said that he wants you to be his girlfriend, so for now, he’s probably just out for some easy booty-call. You can either accept that, or have a nice long chat with him about what you really want in your life and then stick to it.

@Londongirl :: I wasn’t talking about sex either. I have female friends that come over and we cuddle and watch movies and fall asleep. I enjoy it and I hope they do too. But if I have a serious relationship come along cuddletime stops with them.

LOL… girl, No. Sorry to burst your bubble.

You are plan B until “the one” for him comes along.

And one never knows when plan B might turn into a Booty Call.

If you’re ok with that and don’t have any illusions that it will ever be more, that’s one thing. But it sounds as if you’re hoping he will ” see the light” and realize that you’re the one and only one for him.

That’s pretty unlikely. Find a guy who puts you #1 on his speed dial. You deserve more than being this guy’s backup plan.

John Powell is a guy who is giving you the honest trut from a man’s point of view. Take his word for it.

@Kardamom—Basically, everything this guy/girl said is correct. It’s true.. he can just be emotionally supportive because he cares about you as a friend. But girl, get a grip on yourself. Men are like dogs .. when they see an easy bone they’ll go for it. I don’t know what’s wrong with women nowadays. It’s like they’ve totally forgotten to KEEP THEIR GUARD UP.

I think he’s clear on what he wants. He is acting mostly like he wants company. I suppose if sex were to happen, he wouldn’t say no, but I’m not totally clear on that.

I think you are confused because you like this guy more than you think is good for you. He’s sweet. He’s nice. He is a good friend. He comes and hangs out with you.

But you are reading tea leaves here. You try to interpret every little thing as if it were a sign rather than just a thing.

You don’t know what’s going on with him. I sure don’t. I think you just have to live with uncertainty. One thing I do think is that if you do end up having sex with him, you should not assume that means anything more than friendship. If you only want to have sex with someone you can have a deeper relationship with, then don’t have sex with him.

I think he genuinely likes you. My guess is that he’s not thinking in terms of a long term relationship, but it also seems like it could go in that direction. Not that he would ever admit it. It would just have to kind of happen. Right now there isn’t the right kind of chemistry. It is about comfort and caring, not love and sex and caring.

I think the answer for the moment is yes. He only wants a friendship. But that doesn’t mean that will always be the case. You just can’t tell right now. So don’t count on it. Whatever you do with him, do not count on it turning into something serious.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

everybody here is trying desperately to drop you the same clue. Open your eyes.

Maya Angelou is a very intelligent lady. She says: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

This guy has shown you. Stop living in denial and you’ll be happier.

Oh ya, but nice guys are the worst. @ whoever it was who mentioned he may be a nice guy

@thesparrow Sheesh, this is why bad boys get all the girls. At least girls know what they are getting. God forbid there should be uncertainty. If he looks like he’s being nice, he must be faking it. Watch out!

For real?

@Londongirl You keep on doing what you’re doing. Follow your instincts. No one else knows what’s best for you. All we can do is talk about our own mistakes and what we learned from them. Yours will always be different.

I’ll gamble on a guy with a nice guy reputation to truly be a nice guy ANY DAY before I gamble on any other guy.

@wundayatta There’s a difference between a nice guy who’s actually in a relationship and cares about the girl and wants to be with her and a no-balls little on-the-fence pussy who’s basically pulling her chain.

Ok, @thesparrow just nailed it.

no-balls on-the-fence pussy = not a nice guy.

Yeh, this guy in OP’s post is not a nice guy. I agree.

And there is also a difference between ‘nice’ and ‘having a moral backbone.’ The two may or may not go hand in hand.

@Kardamom Yeah exactly what I was worried about falling into the friend/benefits… we did that a few months and then he stopped it and wanted to be just friends cos he said he didn’t want to hurt me and since then I really started to see him as friend and he surprised me that he has been supportive to me during my difficult time lately…

I would rather be a good friend than friend/benefits to be honest… so I was quite careful about the sex thing in the last 2 meets. I just don’t understand why he was so comfortable to just jumped into my bed for a little nap… that was a bit strange… I left the room and let him sleep…

@thesparrow Life is not just back and white sometimes. No need to be patronizing me on that, I was simply asking a question about what other thinks, it doesn’t mean I am sleeping with this friend, besides, if you read what I wrote I said I only messed about once but last 2 times we were just chatting and enjoying our company as friends.

@wundayatta Yeah I guess you are right… he did tell me when we were just friends a couple of month ago to be careful with guys who just want sex with me, he even said I should withheld sex with a guy and if a guy is looking for serious, he would wait. This is coming out from the same guy. This is why I think he’s a good decent guy and not a soulless player… But I think I have to be careful with getting too intimate, may be I should just focus on our good friendship as at this moment I need more emotional support more than anything else…

@johnpowell
@Neizvestnaya
@Buttonstc Thanks for your views… I guess I have guess he was just after frienship, but I was just a bit confused why yesterday he went straight to my room and open my duvet making himself as home in my bed… thats all… may be we are now very close friend in his book. He was a bit funny though when I told him I would go out with a friend and he complimented me my look yesterday. I said I was dressing up to test drive his new car.. he didn’t say anything… a bit odd moment really…

I was just a bit confused why yesterday he went straight to my room and open my duvet making himself as home in my bed… thats all… may be we are now very close friend in his book. You allowed him to do this since you have not set up boundaries or rules for your relationship since you ended the whole FWB thing you were doing in the past @Londongirl.

@Londongirl: Having fun guy friends, snuggly guys friends even such as @johnpowell, it’s great! Enjoy that part, try to keep from reading much into it.

@SpatzieLover Well, the FWB thing was stopped by him back in May cos he said he didn’t want to hurt me and at the time he told me he met a girl he kinda like. Then we stopped contacting for a month then he started to chat a bit and then I went on this crisis he jumped in his car and drove to me and be there for me when I really needed most.

@Neizvestnaya I was recently let down by a girl friend I thought we were close friend and when I came to this dark moment she wasn’t there for me and we had a row about she couldn’t listen or be there for me when I needed and asked me to go seek somewhere else… I was God smacked when she said that, I told here I would listen to her when she needed and in fact when she was very down a couple of years back, I was there listening to her all the time… This is why I have been very bad shape… Not just the guy that went disappeared on me but other stuffs happening to me. Then when this friend came along giving me the support, I really appreciate it and to be honest. I now start to see him as a good friend that I will be there for him if he wants my help…

OK I must admit I’m quite fussy about people wearing clothes in my bed… I only wear pajamas in my bed… he were wearing his t-shirt and jeans under my duvet… I’m not very used to…

@Londongirl: Yes, good friends aren’t always easy to pick out and when you do have one then it’s easy to envision them being even more than they are capable of. Like someone else mentioned, people have casual stuff happen all the time but that doesn’t mean that’s what they’d seriously choose.

You’ll have a lot less irritation if you can accept only the best of the best when it comes to your heart. Trust me, if a guy really wants you then he’s going to make it loud and clear but it’s up to you to discern if he really wants you to pass the time with or really is into you. At those moments, you’ll wish for the simplicity of having “just a friend”.

@Neizvestnaya I agree about good friends are hard to find and I do my best for them only that usually I got let down…

He didn’t say anything about that messing about night but so far he’s been a good friend to me, so I appreciate his friendship. Trust me I don’t hope for more even we messed about the other night. I was just a bit confused about his comment and his jump into my bed yesterday thats all… I think you are right may be he’s looking for more short term comfort as far as I know he’s not seeing anything…

I met another guy on dating site a few weeks ago and he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend on 2nd date, I am a slow cooker, I need time, so I told him lets be friend first and now he’s keeping distance to me and strangely he msned me saying hi every now and then. But I don’t have the chemistry with him so I will see him really just friends… so I know what you saying about guy would say it out loud if he’s interested…

@Londongirl I get that it stopped. You said you wondered why he got into your bed. It’s because you are still living under the old ground rules. You need to determine what your new boundaries are and share them with him if the “friendship” part is to continue.

Since you have been looking to date, I’d suggest nipping this in the bud before you begin dating someone…otherwise when you do begin dating the person will head for the hills if you allow this guy to continue this way.

@SpatzieLover Yes, it stopped in the last 2 meets… I think it was kind of blur area we have now… last time he left he touched my bum but didn’t initiate sex, I guess he was being a decent guy didn’t want to take advantage of me to be honest. So yesterday we met we were like good friends. May be he thought we were good friends so he could go in sleep in my bed… it is hard to talk about it though I don’t know how to say it. I guess if we meet again and not have sex, he will know we are just friends and not friend/benefits… I know once the sex involved I will get back into the emotional attachment with him again. So I need to be careful…

He knows I’m looking for a boyfriend and he knows the last guy I dated I had problem with. When we were messing at the time he was asking me when was the last time I had sex with that guy… I was a bit surprised he asked that… but I guess it is all about health and safety reason, and because of that, I went to do myself a test and Thanks God it all goes clean!!! :)

@Londongirl I don’t know how to say this any more tactfully, but you have a history of falling for guys really quickly, and giving into sex without really getting to know them and without telling them exactly what you are looking for in a relationship.

Time is only one aspect of getting to know someone. So just because you’ve known this particular fellow for over a year, you still barely know him at all. Hence, all of this confusion.

You need to know your own mind, and what you want out of a relationship and then communicate that clearly to other people. Otherwise, you will keep getting this kind of stuff happening to you. Guys that can’t/won’t commit, but will happily sleep with you when it’s convenient for them to do so. It’s kind of the same with your female friends. You only have superficial relationships with them too and then you can’t figure out why they can’t/won’t be supportive of you.

It seems like your relationship with both males and females, never evolve past a certain point. It’s kind of like you are looking through a tinted window on your life and never really seeing it for what it really is. And you are not giving these people a true sense of yourself and what you want/need in relationships with men (as potential mates) and women (as potential close friends). You kind of give them mixed signals, because you don’t tell them what you want/need and then you kind of give in, when it seems like the easier thing to do in a misguided attempt to become more intimate.

You ultimately don’t end up with any kind of real intimacy, you just end up getting f*cked. Literally and figuratively.

This guy doesn’t sound like a run of the mill creep, but he does sound like a run of the mill Friends With Benefits Guy. He jumped into your bed, because you gave him the idea (by making out with him recently) that you were into it. And because you didn’t sit him down and have a serious, thoughtful conversation with him about what you really need in your life, he’s just going along for the ride. It’s easy for him to act supportive, because he knows that makes you feel like he really cares about you and that is the quickest way into your pants. He knows it, because he’s seen you do that with him and with other guys.

Until you change the way you interact with people, you are just going to keep on getting more of the same. You have to ask a lot of personal questions over a fairly long period of time to really get to know people. And you have to be very up front and honest with people about what you want and expect from them, and stick to your guns, and not be all wishy washy. You need to know yourself and then act accordingly.

@Kardamom Fair enough of your view. But I don’t think life is that black and white and same as to friendship with guys even with girls.

I read about another poster here having a good 2nd date on online dating, but it seems to me that some people are quite easy going. I was told by a male platonic friend of mine today that I came across very serious. I think we are all different and that’s why we attract to those who match with us not everyone.

@Londongirl You are 100% correct that things are never completely black and white. That is why I am re-iterating that you have to make sure that things that you want and need and expect are presented in the clearest, most black and white way that you can, so there is less confusion. You also need to learn to read people better.

I’m also on the thread with the Jelly who had the successful 2nd date, with an online meeting. So far so good and I know that she is and will continue to be very upfront with that fellow and she will ask him lots of questions about what he wants and needs and expects from a relationship. I also know her well enough to know that she probably won’t have the problems that you have been having, because she is better able to read social situations. She wouldn’t put up with any of the crap that you’ve put up with.

And I don’t agree with you when you say, that’s why we attract to those who match with us. People, especially young women, are often attracted to people that are horrible matches for them. Bad boys, comittment-phobics, abusers etc.

It’s when we figure out what we really want and need and then live our lives that way, (part of that being that we learn to avoid the people that are not good matches) that we get what we want and need. Simply hoping and praying and going along with things, even though we feel a twinge that something might be wrong or confusing that we can’t put our finger on, does not help in any way.

@Kardamom I usually tell the guys I met that I am after friendship and hopefully a relationship. I wasn’t wishy washy about it… it does take time to develop and like this guy I recently met he told me he was after relationship, so bang, he asked me 2nd date for protentially girlfriend, I was flattered trust me and I liked this guy as friend as chemistry wasn’t there. It takes me a while to develop chemistry and that is just me. The last guy who went silent on me was very exceptiotional one that I really did like him from very beginning as the chemistry was very strong.

With this good friend guy, we had a bit of history, he was asking me toward girlfriend relationship from very beginning and we did but it was because I wasn’t sure about him getting over his ex so we broke up and became friends. It wasn’t like he didn’t know what I wanted I told him that clear. He also was one of the very few we had chemistry from very beginning… trust me that doesn’t happen a lot.

I must admit I have put up a lot of shit with both guys and girls, purely I was a giver and I always tried to be kind to someone first. May be I am being more cautious now, so that is why this 2nd date guy I told him to be friends cos I didn’t want to sleep with him too early, now he’s backing off. I think that is one way to test out what he is after really… if he’s only after sex, he will not stay, this is this test drive friend told me.. and I value his view and I’m practising it.

@Londongirl

There is an old but very helpful book written by a therapist that I would recommend to you.

The title is:

“Games People Play. The Psychology of Human Relationships” by Eric Berne.

The more I read in this Q, the more I recognize the old game of “Yes, But”. You are not CONSCIOUSLY aware of this. But each time someone proposes advice or possible solutions, your subsequent reply gives all the reasons why it’s invalid or unworkable. In other words, basically a longer version of “Yes, But…” while basically being totally unaware that’s what’s going on.

I’ve decided to stop playing as I just don’t think it’s helpful.

So, I’ll recommend this excellent book (less than ten bucks on Amazon) and hope you will take the time to help yourself by reading it. You will also recognize what’s really going on between you and this guy. I hope the best for you.

@Buttonstc I will see if I get this book thanks and I don’t understand why you said ‘playing games’ Sometimes people read everything as games when they are not.

If you read the book, you’ll realize that it is definitely NOT meant in a dismissive of insulting way. It’s his shortcut phrase for referring to the (many times) dysfunctional repeated circular pattern interactions that we find ourselves in with some people.

It’s on a subconscious level. Once it’s recognized, we are empowered to make different choices if we are tired of the pattern (or not).

But we can’t change that which is unacknowledged. But once we recognize the name of the game we can decide whether or not we want to continue.

He’s not referring to a literal game. It’s a metaphor for a repeat pattern. But giving it a name helps us to recognize it.

@Buttonstc Yes! That’s it exactly. Repeating a pattern of behavior, and not being able to recognize things (people, situations, words) for what they really are.

@Buttonstc Thanks and I will look into it.

I think there is a pattern yes, but I do try my best to be up front nowadays even before I meet the guys, but all the guys (not many though) I met and we ended up having a sort of relationship they all told me they were after a girlfriend you see. It wasn’t me being wishy washy about what I want. Unless they were all liars otherwise I cannot see how I can do better to filter out guys who are playing the field.

I just feel with this particular guy, I really value his support when I’m really down lately and I don’t want to loose him as good friend, so I guess I will be careful with him about sex. May be next time I will tell him I would only have sex with someone who will have potential relationship with me?

@Londongirl Just from reading your posts on this question and others, I know that you have been very quick to have sex with some of these guys, even on the 2nd date. That is part of the problem. There are lots of guys who are simply out there to get quick, easy sex and they will tell you just about anything that you want to hear, just to get quick, easy sex. So I’m guessing that some of these fellows, that you slept with early on, told you that they were looking for a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with you, and so you wanted to believe that, without really getting to know them, and you didn’t tell them (clearly in black and white terms) that it was important for you to wait awhile to get to know them for real (values, beliefs, attitude, wants, needs and a hundred other things) before you even considered having sex with them.

When you are up front with people and then let them know that you insist on waiting (so that you can both get to know each other) before you have sex, that will weed out most of the ones that are only in it for the sex.

I still think that you are wanting to believe that (one year guy) is really a true friend. I don’t get that feeling about him at all. Sure he likes you, but mostly he knows that if he acts supportive toward you, then you’ll likely be an easy sexual partner for him. But he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend, because he’s already made that clear. If he was just a friend then he would not be making out with you, or climbing into your bed. This guy is not a confidante, nor is he there for you to be supportive. He’s pushing you into a Friends With Benefits type of relationship and you are buying it.

Although there are exceptions, it’s usually not a good idea to have your best/intimate friend be a guy (unless he really is your boyfriend/husband because that is what you do want in that situation) because you are always going to have that sexual thing looming in the background of all of your encounters. This guy is happy to let you cry on his shoulder, because he knows that you are emotionally vulnerable and likely to give into his continued kissy-kissy oh we’re just close friends sexual advances. But if you do that, and then you tell him that you really want him to be your boyfriend, then he’ll say “But I thought you understood that we’re just friends!” He’s not your friend, he’s a potential sex-buddy who wants no strings attached.

When you have a close intimate best friend that is a female, the whole dynamic is different. A best female friend (unless she’s a lesbian that has a crush on you) will not have any sexual agenda, hidden or otherwise, towards you.

I am going to make a suggestion that you go to see a therapist that specializes in situations in which people have poor social skills (for whatever reason, cultural, lack of parental instruction, shyness). For some reason, you have been unable to read people, both men and women, and you mis-interpret a lot of social cues. Like I said before, it’s like you are looking in at your life through tinted windows, and with the help of a good therapist (and some good, honest, close female friends) you can learn how to figure out what’s going on.

@Kardamom Though I thank you for your opinions on my questions and you do like to comments and provide help but I find your comment on my poor social skills quite insulting. I don’t think it is about social skills it is about I may not good at reading opposite sex signs. Also, therapist cannot give all the answers. I guess you are one of the therapists….

@Londongirl I am truly not trying to insult you. That was my whole point. Your lack of social skills, part of which involves understanding how to read people, is causing you all sorts of pain and confusion. Do you understand? You just misread me. I’m truly not trying to insult you. I’m trying to help you see things for what they really are. If I was there, in London, with you, I would come over to your house and try to explain things better in person, but I can’t, I’m here in the USA.

No one said that therapists have all the answers. But there are therapists that specialize in helping people like you. People that have relationship problems due to not understanding or recognizing social and cultural cues (I’m guessing that you are not British, because of your writing, and the cultural differences also play into your not being able to read people very well). These kinds of therapists can also help you to deal with your shyness and social anxiety, something that is almost impossible to deal with on your own (or by reading endless posts by all of us). Therapists who deal with these kinds of problems can give you the tools you need to learn to help yourself. They show you and teach you new ways of thinking about things. They can also point out how some of your perceptions about how things are are simply not correct.

It seems like you want and need help, but you are quick to dismiss help of any kind. No one is trying to insult you, especially not me. I know that you are in a lot of pain, and there has been a lot of confusion in your life. I’m not sure why you would look at therapists as the boogie man, plenty of people right here on Fluther have all sorts of problems that they have gotten help with, with the aid of a competent therapist. Not every therapist is going to be the perfect match for you, but if you check it out (maybe with the referral of your physician) you can get some help. Otherwise, you can just keep on doing the same thing.

@Kardamom To tell someone lack of social skills is an insult. First, you don’t know how I react socially, you only judge me on the posts I put here. This is exactly what I am telling you.

Whether or not I’m British or not, it wouldn’t affect the fact about my problems with relationships. So please don’t jump into conclusion about it is due to the nationality issue.

I find most of the therapists are ripping off people, the provide solutions based on books, Freduian theory has long been debatable. Not saying they are not right, but they are not the absolute solutions to human behaviour situations.

I put the posts here and like to see what other people THINK not necessary looking for help or solutions. This is the different between you and me on how we use this site.

@Kardamom Besides, I feel that you do like to jump into my every single thread I put with quite patronizing tone. It may be the fact that you judge me based on the English I write in here. But whatever it is, I thank you for your view but I don’t need the way you patronizing me.

I think I am beginning to see why you are having so much trouble making friends and finding a mate. : (

@Kardamom Nice try. You don’t seem to understand and see your own problems too I guess.

@Kardamom I bet you are exchanging some emails between your buddies here, and please understand I’m here to chat about things and want to see other people views. I hope you guys are not going to gang up on me ok? Thanks.

@Londongirl I didn’t find anything insulting about what @Buttonstc or @Kardamom has said to you here.

Here in Fluther, we answer the question that is asked. You asked for personal advice. Fellow jellies have given you personal answers.

I say things as I see them. You still haven’t addressed what I said to you above. You want some sort of different relationship with this “friend”...then when the relationship changes to a friendship, you are perplexed by what it means.

Your social life will become much less complex once you take control of it. Either you are looking for casual sex with no relationship, a friendship with no sex, or a serious relationship. Whatever you choose, you then need to follow through with it and tell the person your with or your guy friend how things will be.

Right now, from the questions you’ve been asking here atleast, it appears to me as if you are allowing life to happen to you. You can take the reigns. When you do, your life will be more manageable.

@SpatzieLover I see what you mean by taking life as it happens to me. Yes that is usually my approach as I like the feelings flow naturally and not by force in relationships. I sometimes like the guy at the beginning but I cannot tell him right away he would be my boyfriend, but very rarely, I do with very very few guys, but I usually too shy to tell them I want a relationship, I usually let them tell me first. I know this is something I find it hard to change.

Yes, But…

@Londongirl Then you control this by either a)Just having guys as friends for a while and/or B)Stop having sex until you sort your personal stuff out (meaning find a guy you’d like to date & JUST date him).

A little self-help would go a long way. @Buttonstc‘s book suggestion above is good one. You might want to cruise the self-help section of your library or bookstore and see which books speak to you.

@SpatzieLover thanks for ideas. yes I think this is what i’m doing with both guys, we stopped the mess around last 2 time and we are acting like friends, so I guess if we carry on friends he will know I don’t want the benefit unless it is leading to relationship and he knows that. your B option is already on, I think I need to have a bit of time to test them if they just want sex they will move on, if they are keen to have relationship they will wait.

The book I will look into it. Self help books are not alien to me, I started to read it over 10 years ago so I know they are helpful at some point… But I will give it a go.

@Buttonstc Yes but…. I will take your advice to see the book… thanks.

I told you in the past and I’ll tell you again. Forget him and move on with your life. You’ll keep waiting for him to make “his move” and years will pass. GO and find someone else who’ll be there for you and you can count on not someones that’s there only when it suits him.

To many chances wasted in vain for him… he will never ever. I’m sorry but it’s true.

I don’t think Londongirl needs a therapist. She could probably use my mom’s old school wisdom about men: they’re all dogs, but when you find one who falls in love with you, life becomes so much easier.

Londongirl, the honest truth is something not right is going on here. There’s just something fishy about this guy

@Hibernate I think you are talking about the other guy! This is the one I met last year and we did date and then became friends after. It was me who needed him and he came over to give me a shoulder to cry on not when it suits him ok. Though I agree I shouldn’t wait for him to ask me as I don’t really know what he wants, so I assume he will just want to be friends with me, that is why I am careful with the sex with him.

@thesparrow Thanks I don’t therapist is always the solutions to be honest. I think I need good friends to be honest. Yes I like your mom old school wisdom!!! hahah yeah they are like dogs hehehe… What do you feel fishy about this guy? Well, I start to know him now after nearly a year, he’s not direct at all! He is quite romantic kind of guy and do have ego issue. But overall he is a kind hearted person and that is why we are still friends…

I find that description of all men as dogs to be very insulting, inaccurate and probably not helpful. I think women who say this have generally been burned by men and rather than trying to figure out a nuanced approach to relationships, they just make a blanket rule, and wonder why they have a hard time with relationships in the future.

When you say all men are dogs, you are essentially saying you don’t trust yourself to be able to pick out someone who is good for you. Perhaps this is true, but I doubt it. It is possible to learn to be a good judge of character. It is possible to make individual decisions about each individual rather than relying on blanket rules that offer no room for happiness.

I think I understand why women would develop a rule like this. And it isn’t just women. Many men feel burned by women, too, and reluctant to ever get involved again. Honestly, I don’t understand why people conclude these things. It’s like half the population thinks the other sex is completely unreliable and always lying. What the fuck is going on? Why do people react so strongly? How can this help anyone?

@wundayatta Historically, men always have advantages over women and calling men are ‘dogs’ are just for a joke like many men calling women all different sorts of names too.

Just from my experience, yes, I find men are generally unreliable and I have burned many times so I come to the point that I actually quite fed up with guys in general, not saying I’m going to like girls, as I’m pretty sure I’m very heterosexual, but I just don’t like many men nowadays approach to relationships and the ways they treat women.

@wundayatta
Well, not all of them. I found a good one :) Yeah, I’m surprised by the kinds of things women have done to men. And I am sure some of their disdain is quite warranted.

@Londongirl you have a complicated life and you seem to attract a lot of people who don’t pay an interest toward your person. Maybe it’s time to find new people. What do you think?

@Hibernate I think nowadays people just move around to new people.. I think yes I will continue meeting new people but I do like to keep people who I value and friend with.. this is what we call loyalty and true friendship.

Loyalty is not sticking to old friends when they are the only ones getting something in return. They are greedy and selfish, those who only want to gain and not to give some in return. It may be a rough spot for them but still.