How hard is it for you to say "no," especially in personal relationships?
Do you feel a pressure to be kind and not say “no?” Women: have you ever declined a boy who asked you for a date? Was it hard to do? How far will you go not to hurt someone’s feelings?
My wife was brought up not to say “no” out of respect for the effort it takes a guy to get up the gumption to ask someone out. I find this odd because none of the girls I ever asked out seemed to have any reluctance to say “no.”
Saying “no” can be difficult in many situations, though. I was once a door-to-door canvasser and we were shameless in using that knowledge—essentially often getting people to give us a minimal contribution just to get us to go away without them having to say “no” to our faces.
I think it’s probably easier for men to say “no” than for women, who seem, in general, to be brought up to not want to create any friction between people. That seems to be a generalized cultural value, anyway.
Were you brought up not to say “no?” How hard is it for you to say “no” these days? How uncomfortable does it make you? Let us know if you are male or female when telling us what it is like for you.
On the other side, when someone says “no” to you, do you persist? Do you take “no” for an answer? How far do you push it before you believe the person really means “no” and will not change their mind?
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Oh geez, I’m just getting over this. I would be that guy that got a horrible deal on a car because I didn’t want to make the salesman mad lol. I’m such a spineless coward haha. I end up getting mad at the person pressuring me because I feel they shouldn’t keep pushing me after I’ve already said “No thanks”. I shouldn’t have to say it multiple times, and that’s where I end up caving.
I am just now kind of coming into my own and realizing that some people just don’t respect others’ decisions. So now, whenever I say no, but have to be an “asshole” about it, I always feel bad, but they pushed me to be that way, anyway, so why should I feel bad?
And of course, I do not pressure people because I know exactly what it’s like to be pressured.
I do not like when people do this in relationships, and it is a reason I have a hard time in relationships in general. It seems there’s always a pressure from the person to give in to them. I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m being persuaded to feel or do something.
Well as far as I can remember I never had a girl tell me no.. sooooooooooooo :)
Getting easier with getting older. I’ve declined dates but felt badly about doing so, though I shouldn’t. I’ve gone on pity dates and have had pity sex, yes.
It is not hard to tell someone no.
That can be done in a kind way.It’s when someone wants to impose their will on me is when things can get alittle dicey.
@wundayatta Because I didn’t know any better in that I didn’t want to deal with being honest, instead. Because sometimes it’s easier to do that and move on and not have to be open with the person. Clearly, they deserve better. Clearly, we don’t always do the right thing. I no longer do either dates or sex for pity. Ever.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m not judging. I don’t think it was the right or wrong thing to do. Just wondering what your thinking was when you did it. So, if I understand properly, it seemed like the easiest way to get out of an uncomfortable situation? Were you afraid of what would happen if you said, “no?” Did you feel like you had the power to say it? I’m trying to understand the psychology here. If I’m putting you on the spot, please say no!
@wundayatta—It depends on what it is.Give me a scenario and I will tell you how I would react.
@wundayatta I know you’re not judging. I’m not being defensive. It was the easiest way, I could have said no, I was not scared and knew my power but it was less messy to just let them go through with it.
If I am dealing with an Adult it is pretty straight forward. When it is a child, it may be a little different.
Adult
It is pretty easy to say no when it comes from truth and the heart.
I certainly accept another persons no answer as well.
If a person pushes my “no answer” and feelings; the no will not change.
If a person says “no” then it is their choice. Who am I to try to push their answer.
Child:
Depends on the age/maturity/relationship/question.
@lucillelucillelucille Let’s say a close friend you haven’t seen in a while wants you to go see a movie or see a play or take a walk in the part or something and you would rather stay home and read a trashy novel (or even a non-trashy novel). I.e., a situation where a person you care about wants you to do something, but you don’t want to because you’d rather do something that seems like a flimsy excuse to turn them down.
@wundayatta – There is no need to be at someone’s beck and call.It is your life after all,isn’t it?
I’d just tell them that I can’t make it and would plan something for a later date.No need to lie about it.If they were to push for reasons,I suppose I could just keep repeating my request to plan for another time….kind of like a skipping record that they would soon tire of. ;)
I believe you teach people how to treat you
@lucillelucillelucille And if they twist the emotional screws? “You never go out with me any more. I’m in really bad shape. You owe me for all the times I helped you.” etc, etc.”
It depends on the person who asks me to do something. Sometimes it’s easy to just say a simple “No thanks”, sometimes I feel compelled to make up some sort of plausible excuse to back up the “I can’t, I’m sorry”, and sometimes it’s damned near impossible for me to say no.
@wundayatta—Just repeat that you can’t make it until they get it.After a certain point,they just become a manipulative bonehead and will just have to accept no for an answer.
They’ll get over it and if they don’t,you will be well rid of a pushy pain in the ass.
Most of the adults I know don’t keep pushing after you tell them no the first two dozen times.;)
Next time that happens to you,try my suggestion.
See if you can do it without laughing
bowing to emotional screw and pressure of that sort or a person that doesn’t simply listen to your no is pretty obvious to me that they only care about themselves.
Caving would only be enabling their behavior.
Nope. Not hard, I’m pretty straight with what I want.
It’s true. Women are brought up to be less confrontational. I had a friend once ask me out who I wasn’t interested in. I kept blowing him off and giving him vague answers and saying I was busy. But in the end he got it
Not that hard. I can say NO a lot and sometimes I feel bad after. It annoys me sometimes but we manage.
No. I learn to say no with a smile and have gone so far as to say, when asked to do a job (volunteer), “I think that would be a waste of my talents. Find something else for me to do.”
As far as men go, I only once was in a situation where I couldn’t make a guy stop. I was driving a very drunk man back to his hotel after having had business dinner with him. He kept pawing me and not being able to stop him, I drove him as quickly as I could to the hotel and left in a hurry. I considered letting his boss know, but decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. I wasn’t harmed and he probably wouldn’t remember.
@lucillelucillelucille I don’t have a problem with “no.” I was one of those pushy people at the door taking advantage of others. I know how to shut them down right quick. Not to mention phone solicitors. As soon as one started opening his mouth I told him I didn’t want him to call ever again. As I was hanging up, I heard him say, “Wow.” It took me a second to get rid of him, I think. Maybe 2.
I’ve also gotten better at saying no to a boss if I don’t want to do something. But I do have to give a reason there.
I can’t recall any standout instances where I had to say no to a friend or someone who wanted to become a friend. But then, I think I am an expert at raising the wall of coldness around me. People seem to be quite afraid of my facial expressions.
It’s harder to say no to my wife. But I don’t have much trouble saying no to my children. I think that is very important. For some reason, though, my son won’t give up right now. He’s been working on getting a Nikon D5100 for two months now, and seems to be showing no signs of letting up. It could be working. My wife seems to be weakening. But I don’t see how it could possibly happen until his birthday, six months from now. If then.
Oh. My. God. YES!!!! Soooo much. All the time. And not just as a woman, but as a person. It’s something I struggle with constantly, and have to put massive work into overcoming (but I’m very dedicated to doing so). I’ve declined boys who asked me out, and sometimes were easier than others. Many times I felt really bad, like I didn’t deserve to turn them down, especially for just one date. I mean, maybe a relationship, but just one date, just to see? Isn’t it totally unreasonable for me to not even try, to take a chance, to say yes? So, yeah, that’s my inner dialogue that I have to overcome. And it gets easier with practice.
I do think that @Blackberry is on to something. There are huge parts of our culture in which we are told that no doesn’t mean no, it means try again. The car salesman is a really classic example, but tons of others exist. Didn’t get that job, get into that college, get that volunteer position, get that condo? Bug them till they change their no to a yes. And I don’t have a perfect solution, but it is interesting, and I think it’s part of why we have such big problems in personal relationships, because it just seems so logical that if we should pressure that customer just browsing into actually buying (and buying much more than they want or need), then why wouldn’t we pressure that woman at the bar into going on a date with us?
The word “NO” is a word with no other definition. When I hear this word I respect it as I would hope others would respect the word from my mouth. I see the word more as a benefit than a turn-off. With the word no you can concentrate on others who may help you instead of wasting your time trying to convince someone that they should say yes.. Sure, you might be angry for a short period but isn’t that better than hearing what you want to hear then when it comes down to it they’re no where to be found? I save people that disappointment by saying no if I truly don’t want to do it , so if I say yes.. You can bet the farm on it. That said, I feel no guilt saying the word “NO”.
Anyone have kids? Did you ever change a no to a yes with a child if they kept nagging long enough? I don’t remember the exact number, but I remember reading somewhere that there is a number at which the average parent gets worn down and gives the kid what they want to shut them up. I think it was between 7 and 9 requests the average parent could withstand.
@wundayatta yes and it is exactly why my answer was split between how at least I approach this Adult versus Child.
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