Why does my mother define her relationship with me in terms of what worldy things she can give me?

Some people work really hard to give their kids the things they didn’t have. I understand why some people spoil their kids. : )

Not having things sucks lol. And no one wants their kid to have a sucky time.

Your mother seems to have trouble expressing her feelings. By giving you things, she is trying in her own way to show you love.

She is unlikely to change at this point in her life.

That leaves you a couple of things you can do.

Have you tried to talk to her about your needs? Be as specific as possible. Put everything in terms of your needs and wants not her lacks. You could say something like, “Mom, I appreciate it when you give me things, but what I really want from you is to hear ______________ (that you really love me or whatever you want her to say).”

The next thing you can do is look for what you need from other sources, Perhaps a grandmother or an aunt or perhaps from your friends.

Good luck.

People show love in different ways. It sounds to me as if your mom is a gift-giver/provider type of person.

She may not know how to connect with you on an emotional level. Have you discussed with her openly that you would like to have a different relationship with her?

My ex’s mother is like that. She is so out of touch emotionally that she can’t understand her own feelings. She was in an abusive marriage for forty years, and her self esteem is so low that her reaction when someone tries to talk about the real world of emotions is “I can’t handle that right now” or “I wish i could help.” and then end of conversation. But she gives everyone lots of presents, mostly out of touch with the recipient’s taste or interests, all the time.

So what is your mother’s background? Did she come from a dysfunctional family? What was/is her relationship to your father?

Don’t expect her to change, but at least you might understand her.

Yes she is from a dysfunctional background and she and my father are divorced. Even with my father she had problems expressing her feelings. If she got angry about something she would bottle it up and then just get physically abusive one day for no reason..

I don’t know why she is like that.. Maybe it is some deeper childhood issues.

Sounds like one from the book The Five Languages of Love. My husband is not expressive and it has taken me many years to realize that he takes my car for servicing as a sign of love and caring. I do hear your frustration though. How about taking your Mom out to breakfast or lunch and telling her that you just want to spend some time talking to her.

I agree with what several people have written in terms of people having different styles of expressing love and I don’t believe anyone’s style is a wrong way or even destructive if you can understand that person and accept the love intended.

Tell your mother from time to time how you appreciate how she’s tried to provide all the best things for you. Tell her you love her and it’s important to you that you and she talk from time to time. She probably won’t change but she’ll know you are “getting her”.