I screwed up and told a lie to my boyfriend. Please advise me on how to work this out?

You don’t need a lecture on lying, you already know it was wrong. Sounds like your boyfriend has some serious anger issues on top of an already not terrific situation. Give him time to cool off, but you have already apologized. Any more apologies and you are adding to his sense of distrust.

I would say, “Look it was innocent, I was trying to figure out how you guys could smooth things over. I have apologized. There is nothing else I can do.” and stop apologizing.

Hi @Kayak8 Thanks for the response. He does have some serious trust issues from his last ex cheating on him with a friend so what I did was pretty bad in his eyes. But one of the things that I tried to stress to him was that I was out with a BUNCH of people not just his friend. But I guess he’s just really upset about the lying (understandable) and he kind of feels betrayed because it seems like I was taking his friend’s “side” so many he felt slightly emasculated? This wasn’t my intention at all but unfortunately he’s the kind of person who sees things like accidentally screwing up his takeout order as a personal affront so yeah…this is tough because it involves actual dishonesty on my part. :-/

What strikes me is that you felt the urge to lie in the first place. You didn’t think he’d understand? I think that’s the problem right there (either that he wouldn’t understand, or that you would think so). Perhaps you should try working out that problem, and not a single manifestation of that problem (in this case, your lying).

@Vincentt The reason I lied was because he was REALLY mad at his friend for something that happened in a video game (Which IMO was rather silly and doesn’t warrant a fight IT’S JUST A GAME!!!) and would be upset that I was taking his side or seemingly going behind his back. I tried to find out from his friend if that’s the only thing he would be mad about to rule out something more serious and according to him that was all. I don’t think he would be amenable to working out why I “had to” lie to him because he would see that as putting blame on him. I don’t want to put blame on him for this or try to deflect responsibility but I do think he’s overreacting and I wish in general he was better at accepting apologies. It’s like he’s the type of person who has no margin for error and if you make a mistake it makes you a bad person.

Well…this is one of those situations where it is up to your boyfriend if he can/wants to let it go as a one time slip.

It’s his call.

You might have to accept that for him this might be a deal breaker, inspite of your sincere regret, but…HE has to know that IF he forgives your imperfect moment that it cannot be used against you in the future.
He doesn’t get to beat you up about it emotionally for weeks and months to come.

This is the where the waters get muddied when dishonesty happens, setting things up for future distrust and suspicion.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Where you able to resolve it? How did you do it?

How it gets resolved depends on how mature you both are/ can be.

You lied out of fear of your boyfriend “not understanding”.

ZING!

Red flag.

Not to excuse your dishonest moment, but..THAT needs to be addressed.

If you have to lie to someone because you feel they won’t understand or “approve” of a situation, that means one of two things.

Either the disapproval is warranted because it is something the other person feels very strongly about and you already KNOW is wrong, OR… the other person is an insecure control freak and if you expect ANY freedom in the relationsip you’ll have to resort to lying to get it.

I don’t think you owe the boyfriend anything, other than an apology and discussion of WHY you felt you needed to lie!

If you cannot simply say to a partner ” Hey, I want to tag along with so & so and talk to them about this situation” without feeling the need to conceal your intentions for whatever reasons…well…...THAT’S the issue, not the lie.

There’s no meaningful answer any of us can provide. We don’t know you or your boyfriend. The fact that you were scared to tell him the truth and that he has totally flipped out because of that is a bad sign for your relationship. So bad, that I’m sure there are many other signs that you haven’t told us about.

Has he ever hurt you physically? Have you endured other instances of his temper and mental abuse? I don’t know how serious you are about him, but if you’re thinking you might want to marry him, please be very careful.

The only thing you can do is tell him why you did what you did. Tell him the truth including why you were afraid to tell him what you were doing. Once he knows the whole story, he either has the empathy to understand and accept, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, you may want to consider finding a way out of this relationship. To have a partner who can not understand and who won’t forgive, especially for something as silly as this—you’re asking for a hard time.

@wundayatta We’ve had some issues in the past with his temper and saying uncalled for things but it’s NEVER gotten physical. (I have zero tolerance) We did talk about it a bit more today and while he’s still upset he seems to be softening up a bit.

But I know from personal experience that sometimes anger can come in waves so there’s always the risk of him backtracking and being really mad again.

I just want him to understand that I feel badly about what I did but my intentions weren’t bad and I’m sorry.

I don’t claim to be a paragon of virtue but besides this I’ve been a really solid girlfriend. I’m generous with sex, back rubs, and validation. I come to see him every weekend from college (we split the cost), do lots of grocery shopping and provide friendly companionship. I’m not a perfect girl but I’m a good girl, and I don’t want him to doubt that because I made a mistake. :(

Did you tell him why you felt you couldn’t tell him who you were with?

I think you should deal with these issues early on. You sound like you are being much nicer to him than he is to you. I don’t trust the balance of power here. I hope you have zero tolerance. Sometimes, when it comes to that, women seem to have a way of making excuses for their men. I think you are already making excuses. Just because he got burned before doesn’t mean he has a right to be extra suspicious of you.

If he has anger issues, is he getting treatment for them? I don’t like the way he is treating you. My gut says this is a problem.

@Vincentt has an excellent point. You should read his words til you have them memorized.

And your b/f (or former b/f) has displayed a great deal about himself. Just think about that kind of irrational anger being directed at you because there will come a time (quite possibly in the not too distant future) when it will be. It pays to watch how other people behave themselves and decide right then and there whether thats what you would like to live with.

Let time pass.

Look at it this way. if he can’t forgive you for such a little thing as this, do you even want to be with him?

Also, I agree with @Kayak8, stop apologizing already.

I agree with @marinelife and @Kayak8

It sounds like you have a fucked up relationship. Everyone lies to someone at some point. I can see why he’d be pissed with you though. Just face the fact that you are both human and not infallible. Ask him to forgive you and just talk it over with him. It’s not much different from the other advice here, but there’s my two cents.

Have you known your bf to get really irrational on any earlier occasions?

I’m answering without yet having read everyone else’s response, so forgive me if I say something that is repeated. I will go back and read, after I answer.

You sound like a reasonable person with good intentions. The first thing that struck me about the situation was that your boyfriend (don’t know how old you all are) got extremely upset with his friend over something that happened during a game, a video game. That’s a little bit odd, for an adult. I can see that happening with teenagers, but anyone old enough to drink should not be taking video games that seriously. Plus, the fact that he was so angry that he literally stopped talking to his friend. That smells like a big fat reg flag to me.

Then the second part, where he became furious at you and accused you of cheating, when he found out that you had drinks with his friend. If you told him that the reason you had drinks with his friend (in public and not alone) was to try and help him to sort out this situation and he still became furious then you, my dear, have a potential abuser on your hands (at worst) and for certain, you have an immature guy who has no impulse control and doesn’t think about things in a logical, concise or reasonable manner.

I don’t want to burst your bubble, but unless this guy gets some anger management counseling, and quickly, this is only going to be the tip of the iceberg for horrible relationship problems with you and this guy.

Please do not be one of those girls that says, “I know he did (fill in the blank bad thing) but I love him.” Love does not conquer all, but sometimes it puts you in a vulnerable position to put up with all sorts of sh*tty situations.

Get out while you can, or demand that he go to anger management on his own, and couples counseling with you. Make sure that your parents and close friends know exactly what happened and let them know exactly what you are going to do about this situation. No woman in the 21st century should ever put up with this kind of crap, no matter how long you’ve been a couple or how much you love him, or how much he begs you or how much you try to rationalize that he’s OK. Right now, your boyfriend is a powder keg wating to go off. The sooner you realize this, the better off you will be.

Good luck to you and be safe : )

Might I be blunt? Excuse me but fu*k it!! If he gets so annoyed over unimportant things and he can’t be reasoned with when you try to do a good gesture for him .. Okay I know he might be angry but after a few hours he needs to understand you tried to help and not cheat on him.
I’m not gonna suggest leaving him I’ll just point out another thing. If he’s doing such a show for nothing when things will get to even more rough spots what’s he gonna do? Start hitting you or even worse… Talk to him without any explanations whatsoever. He needs to see you care for him, and at a point he will figure it out that you are the best.

Just because he hasn’t hit you yet, doesn’t mean he won’t. There is always a first smack or slap, or shove or pinch or scratch from an abuser. And it never comes out of the blue. It usually starts with un-reasonable anger, un-warranted suspicion, mean retorts, telling you that you are wrong or stupid or slutty or un-trustworthy, or that you are at fault for situations (where you are not at fault)

There are usually red flags, small and big. It’s up to you to spot them and then decide what you are going to do when they pop up.

There are too many women who think their douchey guy is different than everybody elses. The only thing that is different is their name or their physical features. Abusive guys are a dime a dozen. Find a man who is kind and intelligent and compassionate. They’re out there. There’s even a bunch of them in here, on Fluther.

Lying to friends is a no no. No way back.

@saint I disagree. I think situations like this one actually show a lot about everyone involved. Most well adjusted people would take what happened as an “oh well” and be able to see just what the intention was. And although I don’t agree with not telling the truth @LeavesNoTrace did so for good reasons. The big problem here is her boyfriend and not her. If he wasn’t who he is she wouldn’t be in the situation she is in.

My hubby has out and out lied to me (not very often). I know that this comes from having a really controlling person in his life prior to me so I don’t make a federal case out it.

I agree with @tranquilsea in this case. The OP felt like she needed to lie to avoid her boyfriend’s angry rant, or even a slap or a punch in the face. She was trying to talk to the boyfriend’s friend only to help them work out the situation.

I think lying is wrong, in most cases, but to avoid abuse is a pretty good reason to lie, at least in this particular case.

You have apologized, your intentions were good. He needs time. If your conscience is clear, you shouldn’t have to berate yourself further or keep apologizing.

Only time is going to help this situation. Its now up to you to prove you are faithful to him. Write him a letter and he will read it over and over again. Sometimes, the written word will work when nothing else will. Good luck.

Evaluate the quality of a relationship where you feel like you habe to compromise your values in order to appease.someone else. He sounds like a control freak to me.

Hey everyone thanks for the great responses. Just to let you know, my boyfriend and I did work it out for the better. He calmed down and was able to understand that I was well intentioned and didn’t do it on purpose. He’s still hurt that I lied to him but accepted my apology and isn’t angry anymore.

I understand everyone being concerned and I know abuse is a big problem for a lot of couples but he’s ever had a violent history nor has he shown physical aggression toward me. At worst, his temper is annoying but I don’t think he’s dangerous…

Good news :)

@LeavesNoTrace He may not yet have been physically agressive towards you, but if he doesn’t get some anger management now, he is extremely likely to get physically agressive with you down the line.

Abusers always start by being un-reasonably angry about things and they tend to blame other people for their problems. This is exactly what he did to you. And that’s what he did to his friend.

It worries me that you are playing down his temper as simply annoying. Being in a relationship with someone who has a mean, angry temper is going to wear you down, eventually. And one day, he might not be able to stop himself from striking you or his friend. You should not put up with this kind of treatment, nor should you down play his behavior.

You should take a look at this site that shows you how to spot the signs of abuse Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, and one ususally leads to the other.

Abuse doesn’t always manifest itself in violence. It can be mental as well. :You compromised your integrity in order to avoid dealing with that abuse. Co-dependancy is hard to break. I was in a relationship like that for 8 years. I know the signs.