First date question?

Seriously, @Londongirl. Ask him. I have no idea what he meant when he said he liked your top. Were you wearing some nice top? Did it show cleavage? I am also confused, but maybe it’s a spelling error. Did you mean to write “an awful or a nice surprise?”

If you want to talk to him, then text him. Don’t wait. If you play that game you’ll lose. If you do what you want to, you might win. That is to say, you make a nice friend. I wouldn’t think beyond that yet.

You might as well text him if you can bear no response for an answer. How much do you have to lose at this point?

@wundayatta I wear a top doesn’t show cleavage just normal top but may be a bit summerish… nothing really special…

@janbb I don’t know that to text him… He texted me half an hour after we met asking me how I felt about it was it an awful or nice surprised I thought I gave him a positive answer by saying ‘it was nice’. His come back was ‘very excited i loved your top’ I don’t understand that respond at all… I said think you but he didn’t reply, so I don’t know what to text him????

Be careful with a guy who is just out of a two-year relationship. he is probably not ready for anything hot and heavy in the romance department.

Do you truly just want to be friends? If not, I would not see him again/

@marinelife He was honest and asked me if we would be friends and then get to know each other first. I agreed with it at the spot as I think it is more natural to start off as friends first and then see. What I don’t understand is his text. He texted me within half an hour after we met asking me how I felt, but his response was a bit strange. I don’t know what is ‘very excited’ means? Is it positive? He didn’t really compliment me apart from my top really…

Besides, my top wasn’t anything special, just a round low neck shirt, but didn’t show cleavage at all…

Is cleavage the only reason a guy would like a top? no.

As for the date, either be patient or take action. You choose. You’re in control of you.

@SpatzieLover I just don’t understand his response. This is why I’m confused. His answer is not anything to compliment me but my top and very excited???

I usually take patient option, as naturally I’m quite a shy and passive person in dating… but then something about this guy I quite like, may be his honesty about asking me right out at the end of the date of how I like this relationship going? I like guys to be straight with me as I don’t read signals very well.

@Londongirl Why are you trying to read anything into his words?

1. He liked your top.

2. He was excited at meeting you.

That’s waht he said and that’s what he meant.

@marinelife So he was very excited at meeting me, does that mean it is positive? He hasn’t asked me out again or saying anything to see me again… so I don’t know if it was a positive date or not.

@Londongirl Sigh! Yes, being excited is positive. Wait a few days for him to ask you out again.

@marinelife OK, I just didn’t know… I just texted him saying whether he was working today, but he’s not replied… hmm…

Seriously, I am very bad at dating. I just don’t read their words or signals well unless they are very straight speaking with me.

Is this guy a teen or an adult?

I have no experience dating teens but adult men usually ask to see you again if they want to date you and ask to be friends if they don’t have a strong initial romantic attraction. Unless he asks you out again, I would try to not think about him as much as possible so you don’t get all caught up picking apart texts and stuff.

As long as you don’t know a person that well to know what they mean when they say something other than what they literaly mean, it is best to take what they say just literaly.
Reading between the lines is not something you should do when you just me(e)t someone new maybe not even something you should do period….
Especially in texts and mails you shouldn’t, because in those it is extremely difficult to write and read it.
@marinelife put it perfect: he was excited about the date with you and he liked your top really, some men make compliments on clothes, just for the sake of complimenting on clothes.

@Neizvestnaya I hope your ‘teens’ question is not an insult. Seriously, I am asking for help for situation and appreciate people not to throw insult really. Thanks for your view. I think you are right though if he is interested he would have asked me out again. Just I was a bit confused about his respond that was all….

@rebbel I was a bit surprised that he asked me about how I would like the relationship going at the end of the meet. I told him I didn’t know and asked him back. He didn’t say he liked me he just said he got out of 2 years relationship so he wanted to be friends and get to know each other and see. I totally agree with him as I would like to take things a bit slower now. It is just he didn’t ask me out again but with compliment with my clothes, I cannot actually just read literally what he was saying really…

If i may @Londongirl…, I think you read something more in @Neizvestnaya ‘s answer as well now…, I really can’t find an insulting tone in it.
I read that @Neizvestnaya states to not have experience with dating teens (in case your date was a teen)..., that’s all.

@rebbel Hmmm… I thought it was an insult… I don’t think I sound like teens… why would I date a teens! :(

Well, I think some people here may find I ask some dumb questions but to be honest I am not good at reading signs from guys, and something I have been honest here. This is why I ask the board for help. Sometimes it is quite embarrassing to ask friends…

I much prefer guys to ask me straight out and then I don’t have to guess…

I don’t like playing games but too bad a lot of guys nowadays do that a lot… I think it is more about ego issues.

@Londongirl: I’ve not opened your profile, I have no idea what age you are or what age group you date, it wasn’t meant as an insult at all. Also, the part about him asking you what you felt about relationships seems harmless and pretty normal for a guy who’s recently out of one and maybe not to anxious to be swept away into another. Maybe he was gauging your excitement level?

I used to pick apart first dates too until I had enough to see a pattern. It could’ve been the pattern of the types of guys I was attracted to and ended up accepting dates from or it could be other people’s experiences too.

@Neizvestnaya OK thanks for clarification and your view. Sorry I do sometimes a bit sensitive about people responses in here… sometimes it is hard to know.

Well, I usually do not get excited on first date. Hardly I do. I am a slow cooker. Usually the like on first date is important, but never too excited. It takes me a bit time to build up my feelings towards a guy really. I told him that it was nice he was direct asking me about how I felt the relationship going. Though I thought it was a bit early to ask, but it was nice to know his honesty. He said he would give me some time to think about it and we could talk about it. I told him right away that it would be good as his suggestion to be friends and see how things go, that is usually my approach anyway. Even if a guy I really like in first sight I will hold back until he shows his interest first. Too passive I know…

He told me he would be in London for 3 years and then he would be back to his hometown so he couldn’t promise anything he said. But he said it would be good to get to know each other now. I think it is nice for him to be honest rather than lying to want me to be his girlfriend right away and then dumped me a month after by making up some reasons…

But now I just texted him asking if he was working today, he didn’t reply…. hmm…

Since you are still having some trouble communicating with your potential dates, or at least having trouble understanding what they mean, you should look into taking some “Interpersonal Communications Courses” They’re not only good for dating, but they can also help you in the work place (I remember that you said there were some problems there too).

This particular company, called Skillstudio is based in London, England.

This site called Slow Dating offers online courses in how to fine tune your dating skills.

Here is another course geared toward interpersonal communication in the work place (England based) called emagister

And here is a London based lifecoach named Piers Thurston that can help you with communication, assertiveness and anything else that might be a life obstacle.

Here is a dating/communication coach named Peter Spalton, who holds regular Seminars in London

Your 2 biggest problems are your difficulties with “reading” verbal cues (written and spoken) and “reading” body language, coupled with a lack of assertiveness. Any of these courses, or others that you might find, including Toastmasters can be very beneficial to your dating life as well as your worklife. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

@Kardamom Thanks for suggestions and I will look into it and hope they are not expensive…

@Londongirl I think some of them have a fee, but if you do a search in London, England for similar topics and classes, courses or seminars, you can probably find something very reasonable in your area. Plus, there will be men attending these courses too, that are in the same boat at you, looking for love in all the wrong places, so maybe you will meet your fellow there.

Good luck : )

@Londongirl I’m pretty sure Toastmasters is free and they are a highly reputable international organization. I really think they can be useful to you.

@Kardamom thanks I will try… not sure I will try to find dates there… I don’t like meeting guys that way… but the couses may be a good try as I do have problem to read signs with guys or communicating with them.

@Londongirl , careful! I think he really was excited to meet you and however clumsy he was giving you a compliment about your appearance. Only you know how much was left to the imagination there. About his easing off a long term relationship, it may take some time as you stated he is still in contact with this person which makes me wonder if he is rebounding a bit. He may be a bit confuzzled and no one wants to see you go from inspired to expired with this guy without knowing the whole picture, and really I hope you are the one that gets to decide whether to continue with him or not.

@smilingheart1 It is hard to tell if he was clumsy or he wasn’t that interested in me… as I have never had anyone complimented my clothes. And also asked me how I saw our relationship going on first date. I threw the question back basically I just didn’t know… as I agreed we were friends and got to know each other better, he didn’t text me at all today. I texted him and he’s not replied. So it is not always I can control or decide if I want to continute, I think when I replied it was good enough sign for a guy that I am positive to see him again…

I think I am not good at responding to guys in general especially those I quite like.. I often am quite clumsy myself… and then I go back on dating site as to me I thought if a guy didn’t ask me to be in a relationship, I could go back on dating site? May be it is not the right approach I don’t know…But then why should I hold up for a guy who doesn’t really tell me what we are exactly.

I think you can consider yourself a free agent still.

@janbb Yes I guess so… I can go back on dating site then as I always don’t know whether I should or not.

Well, the guy texted back just saying he was working today but not at weekend. But he hasn’t asked me out again, so should I play cool and wait or should I suggest to meet? Though I like him but I don’t want to make him feel I’m too desperate… Should I wait for him to ask me out again?

So should I wait for him to ask me out???

I was told by a friend that I over think things and I suspect you are doing the same. No one can tell you what will work. It could be that his saying he will have time over the weekend was a passive way of asking you out or it could be that he was putting you off. You may want to be less invested in him, but if you feel you need to make a move, you could text him and ask if he wants to do something next weekend.

@janbb I think I do think things over only with those I like… Well, I agree it is a passive way of saying he’s free and with the smile face, it is a bit cheeky really. But it could be putting me off as he hasn’t asked me out… My usual approach is to wait, if he doesn’t then he’s not interetsed kind of approach.. but then I don’t know if he’s also quite shy like me and expecting me to ask as he was the one texted me right after the meeting asking me how I felt about him…

One text. You are over analyzing this one text.

If he hasn’t asked you out again, he most likely won’t. When you go on a date, if the fella likes you he should say “I really want to see you again” and should follow up with a phone call.

How about you set a rule with yourself: You are worthy of a phone call. If a guy doesn’t call you back within a 5 days to a week, he’s not worth your time.

I know, the last guy he told me on the first date he really liked me and asked me to meet the following week right away.

This one a bit strange as he asked me at the first date towards the end about how I feel about how our relationship going. I said I didn’t know and he said he got out of 2 years blah and it would be good to get to know each other and see then he said I would let you think about it and may be we will talk about it again and let me know how you feel about it. This is what he told me. After meeting, he texted me in 15 mins asking me whether it was a nice or an awful surprise. I guess he was testing the water. When I responded positively, I thought he would ask me out, but he didn’t…

So it is not that straight forward, he might be as passive as me and worry about rejection…or simply he’s not really interested… I don’t know.

If he was interested and he was a stand up guy, he’d have called already.

I would not want to date anyone that asked me out via a text. Nor would I date anyone that wasn’t open & upfront with his communication.

He was up front in a way about asking me what I think of our relationship and he told me he wasn’t really jumping into it right away to me though. This is very unusual.

I did met another guy and 2nd date he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend as to be honest I do need time to get the feeling right. I am not the love in first sight person, I usually like the person in different levels in order to see how quickly I can move the relationship forward, but never first 2 dates. Of course, very very rarely I like the guy so much that I wouldn’t mind to try relationship even on 1st date.

The interesting point is that he asked me to think about the kind of relationship he suggested so may be he didn’t feel like to ask me out and let me decide? Or he’s not that interested to ask.

Just curious – is English not your native language?

@janbb hmm… is it that bad??? :(

No, it wouldn’t be bad. It would explain why there could be a communication issue with dating and in social situations.

@Londongirl No – just want to know because your language is not always clear here.

@SpatzieLover sorry sometimes i type fast and don’t take much attention…
@janbb ok will try to be careful with typing… oopsy…

I too was thinking that English is not your native language. Are you specifically looking to meet a British man? Have you considered going to some social clubs, or even an online dating service where they speak your first language (whatever that might be) or going to a social club where ex-patriots from your country of origin gather in London?

Although in Britain, most native Brits meet prospective spouses out in public, such as at work or at leisure activities that they enjoy, or through meetings set up by mutual friends (and sometimes online) other cultures still use matchmaking services, and families still arrange marriages for their relatives. That might be something that could work for you. For example, in the U.S. a lot of families that have emigrated from India, still have arranged marriages, as do families from Korea and China and Vietnam. And those couples seem to be no less happy than couples who met on their own, or online.

Would your relatives be willing and able to help you find a suitable spouse?

@Kardamom No I don’t look specifically British men… I don’t think nationality is matter, it is more matter on how we get on and the attraction. Speaking English or not also not matter as long as we can communicate. I’m not that narrow minded.

@Londongirl But can you tell us what your nationality or native language is?

@janbb I am British. I find it quite interesting that some of you girls really like to dig out whether or not I’m British or my native language. hahahaha… Will I treat differently if I tell you I am British and my native language is not English???

Anyway, my thread was asking for some ideas on how to handle my situation… the guy did text me back and he’s asking me out to meet but in a cheeky way… so all good, thanks anyway for those who help me out here! :)

@Londongirl No one is trying to insult you by suggesting that you are not British. It doesn’t make any difference what nationality you are, but we’ve all noticed that you don’t have a good grasp of the English language and have to assume that English is not your native language. Most people who have a different first language, other than English, are usually not born in England, US, Canada, Australia, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, South Africa or New Zealand and have usually emigrated from another country. And you may very well be a British citizen, but if you don’t have a good grasp of English and you’re living in a country where mostly English is spoken, it’s going to be harder for you to figure out what is being said to you.

If you have trouble speaking English (or writing it, as is the case here online) other people, whether they speak English as a first language or not, are going to have a hard time understanding you, or making themselves clear to you. There is likely to be a lot of mis-communication if you are not speaking the same first language as the other person.

I’m just saying that if it doesn’t matter to you (which you said it doesn’t) then it might be easier for you and the gentlemen, if you looked for a boyfriend in groups where the men speak the same first language that you do. It would make your communication a lot easier.

Otherwise, you will probably need to get some more extensive English training and get some social cues training, and British Culture instruction, like with Toastmasters or some of those other classes that I mentioned before to help you.

Most of us Jellies on Fluther speak English as a first language, and since we’re having trouble understanding you and having you understand us, this seems to be the biggest part of your problem with finding a good boyfriend.

If you really do want to get a good boyfriend, then you need to change the way you’ve been going about looking for a boyfriend and how you interact with the men that you do meet.

You never said whether or not you would be OK with a family member or friend being used as a matchmaker, or having a family member set up an arranged marriage for you. That might be very helpful for you. What do you think?

@Kardamom I don’t think it is an insult whether one is British or not. Why would you say that? I simply don’t understand why a couple of you girls keep going on about where I’m from and whether I’m native English speaker at all. I think it is irrelevant as I come here to chat here and seek advice same as anyone else, so nationality and where I’m from should not be any concerned by any members here.

@Londongirl No one is being racist in this thread. What I’m reading is people who are trying to help you, to the best of their abilities. Knowing whether or not English is your first language is important only because they can give you better advice once they know the answer.

We have many members who are not native English speakers, and we are happy to help them all.