How could you, or should you, talk to a teenage family member who committed a heinus crime?
This isn’t a hypothetical for me, unfortunately.
I’m a hold-the-family-together type of person. Since my mother died my older sister’s family has gone off the rails. It was off the rails prior to my mother dying actually.
My sister has been in an emotionally/financially/physically relationship for 27 years. Her husband is a manipulative, extremely intelligent drunk. They had one child who had a pretty awful childhood. They later adopted three boys from the foster care system. bad, bad, bad I know
My nephew did something completely heinous and it only came to light shortly after my mother died. This is a kid who I provided care for, who was raised alongside my son, who I tried to encourage and support. I haven’t spoken to him since I found out two years ago. I don’t know how to speak to him.
He was arrested, sentenced and has since been released and is nearly through with his probation.
I have recently re-established contact with my sister. I know the question is going to come up about re-establishing contact with my nephew.
The thing is that I don’t know if I’ll be able to. I don’t know if I could see him without completely losing it on him. But the other side of me thinks he should be given another chance. That what he did shouldn’t be a life sentence.
Most people in my situation would write my sister and her family off. I can’t do that though.
Has anyone here had to deal with a similar situation? If you did how did you handle it?
Observing members:
0
Composing members:
0
13 Answers
Do you know if the nephew feels remorseful, and/or takes responsibility for what he did? I imagine that would make a big difference for me, in your position.
@nikipedia not at all. What I have to contend with is his mother constantly down playing what he did. I know she has a big impact on him. That whole situation really worries me.
I think your decision all depends on the crime the nephew committed. Some crimes are never forgotten or forgiven. Rape of a child is one crime that can never be forgiven and murder is another.
Please tell us what your nephew was found guilty of and how long did he remain in prison?
I think his crime will have a major bearing on peoples answers on Fluther. jp
If you do talk to him, talk to him without your sister present. Don’t express anger, don’t express “good to see you”. But ask him as non-judgemental questions as possible.
If you say “I haven’t seen you in a while, how have you been getting along” you open the door to him responding, and you’ll be able to gauge whether he takes responsibility or not. It may take a while, but open ended questions will help a lot.
And then you can calmly express that you were angry with him, and it will take time to rebuild your trust. But make sure he knows you are not closing the door on him if he is remorseful and willing to work on rebuilding his life.
You may end up acknowledging how difficult his family life has been. Don’t criticize his mom and dad to him, they are his parents no matter how messed up they made the family. Consider saying it’s been tough for him because his family doesn’t work well, and you know because you’re part of it.
I agree with @john65pennington, without knowing what he did it’s hard to support your feelings or oppose them. Raping a child, murder – people get those. But circumstance changes things. Do you know all the details of his crime? Did he kill someone accidentally? On purpose? Both would be to some a heinous crime but depending on the situation one could be more understandable, though still terrible. I mean, robbing an old person could be considered a heinous crime by some, and a regrettable poor choice by others. Did he have addiction issues, mental or emotional stability problems that contributed to his crime? Is he getting help for those?
Does he regret anything, feel remorse?
I don’t feel comfortable lending advice on a situation I don’t know. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it though. I recently found out a distant relative that I’ve known for more than half my life, starting when I was 12 was arrested on possession of child pornography charges. It got swept under the rug somehow and he was let off scott free. He always hung out with me when I was younger and we have a lot of young children in our family of both sexes. I have no interest in speaking to him ever again. But I know enough about the situation to make that decision.
For general advice I think @zenvelo did a great job.
I became a penpal with my nephew who was incarcerated at a youth facility for child molestation. He was released at age 21 and went to work with his estranged Dad as a printer. He has had a relatively normal life ever since.
Just a couple things to add.
First, I’d do a little self analysis and make sure I understand my own feelings towards the other person before making contact. Why would I “completely lose it” with them? Separate the act from the person, would you feel the same way if someone else did it? Would I be as conflicted? Why am I finding it so difficult to talk to them? Is it rooted in caring, disappointment, responsibility, obligation, fear? A combination of all those and more? For myself, I’ve found such personal analysis often allows better control can clearer insight which grants a more considered approach. In turn, it can make your eventual decisions easier as you may better understand why you’re making them.
Second, I believe @zenvelo has the right of it (and said it very well) in terms of approach should you decide to renew your relationship. Just to reinforce it: being non-judgmental, non-critical is central to opening any type of meaningful dialog.
Third, as everyone has pretty well said the details that are missing can greatly influence each persons opinion and tactic in dealing with the issue. For me, do they understand/believe what they did was wrong and why they were punished? What is their view if a similar situation/opportunity should present itself? What was their reasoning at the time? How has their outlook changed? Where will they go from here? Each of those would be key for me.
What’s done is done, it’s no longer about what they did but about who they are now and how they, and you, choose to move forward. Understanding the motivations, reasoning, and beliefs (theirs and yours) can go a long way in aiding you when it comes to defining that path and deciding whether maintaining or severing the relationship, and the degree to which either occurs, is best.
How long was he in prison?
To add to what I stated above, TIME makes a big difference. My once-teen nephew is now a 40 something non-offender, functioning/contributing member of society. People can be reformed.
@yarnlady Maybe it does, but would you leave a child alone with him today?
@cheebdragon No, and I wouldn’t leave a child with my schizophrenic brother either, even though he was a contributing member of society for over 50 years (and is now receiving Social Security benefits). There are some people who aren’t suited for being alone with children, just as there are some people who can’t use a computer or drive a car.
@YARNLADY If you really felt like he was a changed man, wouldn’t you be able to trust him with a child though? Being a contributing member of society doesn’t really mean a whole lot, rapists and murderers are often contributing members of society when they get caught, and even people in prison contribute to society.
Driving a car or using a computer are things that can be learned, schizophrenia can be managed with medication….
@cheebdragon—I wouldn’t trust a reformed drunk with a drink, and I wouldn’t leave a reformed thief unsupervised around money. Neither would I leave a reformed child molester alone with a child
Medications often render a person unable to drive, and so do various attention issues.—
Answer this question 
This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.
Composing members:
0
