Can you help me with an urgent family problem?

Have you already made an appointment with a child psychologist?

Get him to counseling right away, and know that age 15 is one of the MOST difficult years with many teens.

Do take his feelings seriously, but, also know that he is cresting the mountain of his teenage angst, hormones and drama.

I would definitely consider changing schools if he feels he is being bullied or otherwise targeted for mistreatment.

Let him know that you understand his concerns but that he has to know that in a few short years this HS stuff will be completely erased from memory never to be revisited again.

I have a female friend who moved her daughter to a new school last year after becoming aware of some really unhealthy interactions amongst her daughter and her so called “friends.” Serious, vicious stuff amongst these kids.

The daughter will graduate this year and she is happy and has adjusted well to a new situation.

Hang in there dude!

Besides urgent counseling, can you get him out of that school NOW?????

@SpatzieLover I am waiting for her to call me back.

All the very best, be sure things will calm down and he will be back to normal. Must be extremely sensitive!!!!

@ZEPHYRA He is at home until we figure this out. I doubt we will send him back there.

I would suggest a different school, combined with some counseling. And a lot of love.

@CruiserCruiser Okay. One step at a time. He needs therapy ASAP. Any thought or mention of suicide, I would take as 100% legitimate.

I had HS friends that never told their parents, but did share with me, their actual attempts.

For today, If he is in a “safe” mental state at the moment:

Try your best to have him write out his things he’d like to discuss when he gets to therapy.

Even at his age, it’d be wise to let him know that what he tells the therapist is private…anything he doesn’t feel comfortable telling you, he can tell her.

I’m obviously empathetic to this situation and you know that. I wish your son the best @CruiserCruiser.

First, the therapy…see how he comes along, then the schooling.

Unfortunately, “removing” doesn’t solve all of the problems. In some cases it is necessary and can be life changing. Is there another school you’re leaning towards?

@CruiserCruiser This sounds really scary.

I know of several families that have pulled their kids out of a school when the social situation deteriorated so seriously. So I think you should seriously consider that option.

In terms of options, that clearly depends on the local situation. Are there private schools or boarding schools that are an option? What are the financial restrictions. I’m sure jellies could recommend any number of good boarding schools around the country (or world, for that matter) or local private schools if we knew the area. You probably know the local ones, anyway.

As to his thoughts—I think it is common to have thoughts of suicide. I know I did when I was around his age. The reason was that I was very, very lonely (I had no friends, surprise, surprise) and no girlfriend and, of course, my parents had no clue.

You are doing well in that he confides in you and is willing to tell you his thinking. I think you are right to reach out to those who can provide psychological help.

I think that the most important thing to understand is that the reason why he even thinks about suicide is that he is in pain. He doesn’t want to die, but he feels completely overwhelmed and everything seems hopeless.

Now he may be able to talk himself out of it, but help is always good. It will make him feel less alone. The fact that you are on his side helps enormously. That you are concerned and are taking quick action and take him seriously is very important. You are doing the right things.

Let him know that you take him seriously and this his social problems are something you want to help him with and if there is no way he can solve those problems at school, then you will find a school where he doesn’t have these problems. I would assure him that it is not uncommon to have these problems and that they are solvable and will be solved. He just needs to know that. It can be very hard, but get him to promise you he won’t make any big decisions until three months have gone by so you have a chance to work on things. That’s what my shrink did, and it worked. In fact, he extended it after three months because he tried a new med. Thus he kept me waiting until things worked. Pretty tricky, eh?

@CruiserCruiser, talk to the a school counselor and see if there are any alternatives. Even if it takes a mental health doctor or a physician to help get him homebound (where his teachers give assignments and a school tutor helps him with assignments everyday) at least until the holiday breaks.

If he has a girlfriend or a best friend, I’d definitely get them involved in finding out more about what is really going on in his life. Best wishes Buddy. Stay strong and stay neutral and let him talk and just listen with lots of love.

Yes try a new school immediately. Let his school know why you are removing him from there.
Therapy is nice.
Do something different with him and your family to take his mind of things- make sure you don’t leave to many silent moments, and make sure the mood is always light and not ‘dark’ so he doesn’t start thinking negative thoughts.

Yes – I had a son who was extremely depressed in his Junior year. A good therapist helped a great deal. Also, letting stay home from school some when it was very bad; although that wasn’t easy for me to do. I don’t want to reveal too much here because I don’t want to violate his privacy but I would be happy to talk to you in PMs or on the phone if you want my phone number.

PS He is now happily married, a great father and living in Paris.

The advice that I have gotten from psychologists and psychiatrists is to ask him some direct questions to find out how serious/immediate of a threat suicide is. There is a big difference between “I wish I was dead because I don’t know how to deal with my problems, but I won’t actually do anything” and “I plan to kill myself on Sunday and I have a gun hidden in my closet.”

Here is some advice along those lines from the Mayo Clinic, and more here and here.

I don’t have time to elaborate, but my depression and suicidal thoughts at age 14 had to do with feeling very lonely. I was not aware of the loneliness or to call it that until I had been in therapy for a while. I think your son might be similar in that he is on the outside of his friends. For me getting a job helped huge and a great therapist. I will come back to this Q later.

‘We have reached out to the school and a trusted therapist’… is a good start. Now you may have to take it to the school board. Also have you had any conversation with the parents of your son’s friends. Those parents should be aware of what’s going on with their children. It might be more helpful if all the parents and students in this situation could talk one on one together. Hopefully the situation will work itself out for your son’s well-being. I wish you all the best.

I definitely think removing him from the school would help. With his grades, can you get him into an honors program or a magnet school?

My husband had a miserable experience with bullying in high school that has left him scarred into adulthood.

@SpatzieLover We did have him write out how he was feeling and that is where he again re-stated he felt like he wanted to die. It was an eye opener to see just how deeply his issues with his so called friends was affecting him. This is a toughie for sure.

If he feels safe at home, definitely do let him stay home for now. Maybe you can get his work so he has something to do while you plan a next step.

@CruiserCruiser It was a tip for our bright little guy from our psychologist. We also had an eye-opener when she told us he should draw out his fears/thoughts.

Does your school have a virtual school that would align with their curriculum? If this were me, I’d set up a meeting with the principal, counselor and therapist and work on a plan of action (after your son has had a therapy session). It sounds to me like it would be best for him to be at home for at least this quarter, and possibly for longer.

@CruiserCruiser I saw no point in living, but at one point someone made me realize that wanting to die was very different than being in so much pain you don’t want to live like that anymore. Maybe the subtle difference will mean something to him so he does not do anything rash? Wanting to die, never come back, permanently gone is what death is. But, many people are suicidal because they are overwhelmingly sad and cannot see it ever changing. Reassure him it will get better. That you will help him do whatever necessary to feel better if he will try. And, that it is very common to go through a hard time like this at his age.

Did he ask to change schools? To see a therapist? Did he ask for help? Did he come to you? Or, did you have to pry it out of him? If he took steps to come to you for help, I think that is a very good sign he wants to feel better more than he wants to die.

Try to remember that he might have things he feels he cannot reveal to you. This is why the therapist is so important. Teenagers really are horrible judges about how their parents will react to information.

I am sorry to hear about you son’s problems. One of the reasons we pulled our kids from the school system in Southern Virginia was that superior performance made students a target for bullying. That was 30 years ago. I suspect that the problems are a lot worse these days but at least the schools are beginning to recognize that bullying is a life threatening problem.

My oldest daughter cured her bully by taking karate classes. There was a jock in the school with a broken arm, courtesy of my daughter. He claimed he had an accident rather than admit the fact that a skinny 89 pound blond girl broke his arm. I think that was less than an optimal solution but sometimes you have to answer violence in kind.

Your son should know that bullies know that they are inadequate as students, and probably human beings. Their goal is to reduce everyone to their level.

I had a bully problem in school and my dad told me that I either needed to learn to run or fight. It turned out that staying away from the bully was my best solution, they have a tendency to self destruct.

All you can do is support your son and remind him that he is the better man. I also remember that finding interests outside of school introduced me to a better circle of friends and eliminated the bully problem.

(I’d just like to say I’m glad you came to us for help. The light is always on.)

Update: My wife is taking him back to school right now to meet with the crisis counselor who specializes in these cases.

@CruiserCruiser Does he seem overwhelmed by the response? Is he going along with seeing the counselors with no problem?

@CruiserCruiser If she is a skilled person, this could be helpful. Keep us informed as you can.

Being suicidal myself, I strongly recommend that you get him to see a psychologist and potentially a psychiatrist as well. Remember though, if he does not like the psychologist you get him, find another. Working with a psychologist he feels comfortable with is very important in getting him out of the suicidal slum he may be in.

@JLeslie My son is very active. He is in the Jazz band, has his own small engine repair business and has a paid job at the school working stage crew and that in itself is sad because he worked Saturday night because none of his friends invited him to homecoming so he worked instead.

If I were you, I would take my child out of that school permanently and move to a different town if possible. I’d do anything you can to get my child out of that situation. Even if that means looking for another job and moving. There is no amount of trouble and inconvenience that is worth more than the life of your son. Sometimes one has to take a radical step in order to remedy a very bad situation.

I haven’t read all the other answers yet, but at least temporarily, you could ask the school counselor to arrange for him to take his classes via home schooling, (The same as they would for a kid with an illness) until he sorts through what is actually happening.
My grade school years were like this. I was miserable.
It sounds like your son is not letting this effect his grades yet. My daughter who was really bright, got so much social anxiety that she dropped out and got her GED. Don’t let this happen to your son
Have you considered private schools?
Kids need their parents even more in HS than grade school. You’re a good dad. Stick with it and be there for him.

@CruiserCruiser sorry to hear you are going through this. The one thing to hold onto is that your relationship must be good, because he told you all this. Keep that in a positive mindset. Be proud of that and continue to foster that.

It’s good that you are doing something about it right away. I hope the meeting with the school goes well. Certainly bringing this to the school admin attention is the right thing as if he is having an issue, more than likely others are too.

Certainly seek out a Credentialed Family Therapist (LMFT, DMFT). They will be able to help provide tools to help your son deal with whatever and wherever the issues come from.
They will also help determine if there is something that is of concern outside the things or kids at school.

Research Private Schools in your area. Even if there is a financial concern over the cost, you can always seek assistance with this through that organization. I have heard arguments that moving him from that environment is not teaching him how to deal and cope with “the real world”. IMHO that is bull and it is your right and responsibility to find the best place for your child. I have found private schools to have a bit more leverage and caring in how they cope with these things. The school body also seems to be in a similar caring mold. I have been on School Boards and these kind of events are the very first thing private schools will focus on along with academics.

If he is gifted and honors, he may be bored. Make sure he is in classes that stimulate him.

This is going to be harder than I thought. My son is NOT wanting to go back to school. The meeting was tedious as my son is very upset that we bought up his thoughts of suicide to the school counselor. Typical school bureaucratic nonsense as they cannot immediately offer a tutor since he is not a medical issue. They have offered to help him with a study room where he can self teach some of the curriculum while still having access to his PE and after school activities. I guess we will revisit this tomorrow. The good thing is he is talking openly and is adamant he doesn’t want to be put back into the pressure cooker of the kids/social issues he apparently has been dealing with for years. I guess he just at his breaking point and he has kept this all in because he didn’t want to disappoint me.

@CruiserCruiser Can he see the therapist today? It would be better for him to know there is someone on his side.

I tend to not like school bureaucracies as it is. I’m not surprised they wouldn’t act without a note from a psychologist. It’s normal for them to do nothing until they are forced to.

Keep him home all this week if need be, see the therapist and see if you can get a doctor’s note saying there is a medical reason for his being taught at home. In the meantime, you may want to look at other school options.

Take your time, keep him out. Do what is best for him. Start looking at your school options.

Many Public School will give you the run around like this until you know the right questions to ask and how to push. It may be hard to find an child advocate that can help in this case because you simply can’t play delay games. If you can get an ear with the Superindendent or a School Board member they might be able to help advocate the case.

I was afraid of that. Public schools talk a good game about helping students, but they fall way short on execution.

I would look into changing schools.

Your son’s well-being is paramount.

I am not really good with parenting issues, but PLEASE keep an eye on him. Suicide is very serious and scary; keep him busy and interact with him. Suicide and self-harm always happen when someone is alone.

Best wishes to you. My heart hurts just to think about this. :(

This sounds similar to me, in that I was home with family when all my friends, former friends, were out partying on the weekends. They never actually shut me out, but they were interested in drinking and more wild stuff, and I was not keen on being around it. My elementary friends wound up being the pretty girls, the popular girls, the cheerleaders, etc. They began to have very different interests than me as we moved through Jr High into high school. The job I had gave me a new set of friends, and I went out with them. But, my job was a very cool job with other teens around. We sold Jordache jeans when Jordache was it. The cool store in the mall,

Some people don’t realize that being the kid to resist or avoid peer pressure can be just awful. I have said on other Q’s that for me not conforming, not drinking almost got me killed, because I became so depressed being on the outside of things. A bazaar irony many parents don’t think of. I am not sure that applies to your son at all.

But, this situation sounds a little different, because the kids are shutting him out it seems, treating him badly.

If he has been dealing with this for years I would pull him out immediately. Even if it has been just recently, with talk about suicide I’d pull him if that’s what he wanted. There is no way I would leave him in that situation with any of those people. He and I could figure out where to go from there.
If the school has offered him a room for self study, I’d personally I’d check into home schooling (it is available in my state).

The good thing is he is busy and the hard part is going to help him readjust his thinking and how he interacts with this social world of his. I think he exposes himself a bit too much to these so called friends trying so hard to fit in with them. I am going to talk with him to see if I can get him to agree to do less online with his facebook. Reading his profile I still see he has these backstabbers still listed as friends and that is where I will focus my efforts with him and setting priorities, limits and boundaries to limit his vulnerability to these kids.

@CruiserCruiser Do you think the school with contact the parents of the mean kids and advise them about their facebook practices?

Bullying is a big issue in schools these days – especially online bullying. I’m surprised the school isn’t jumping all over this.

Your monitoring and being involved in his FB activity is a good idea.

@JLeslie Right now I will be letting my son decided how he wants the social issues dealt with as he is the one who has to face whatever is decided upon. Plus you can’t force kids to be nice to anyone and I could see that my son may get it worse if kids sense he is folding under their pressure. I am trying to remind him to ignore the idiots and that only he can make himself feel bad about this…easy to say and sooooo hard to do. He is open to going to therapy. So one day at a time. I think he is happy to finally have a break from all this today.

I believe letting him take a break along with having you validate his feelings, being supportive and allowing him to make decisions (therefore giving him some power over the situation) will do wonders for him. The fact alone that you are reaching out tells me you are a loving, caring parent. My prayers are with you.

@CruiserCruiser ; It IS a medical issue if he is thinking about suicide. Get your doctor to write a prescription for home schooling.

Having been in a really toxic situation during my first two years of high school, it was really helpful for me to move away for a year. I went and moved in with my mother (I had been living with my father, my parents are not together.) on the other side of the state for my junior year of high school. I got myself into a more healthy state all around, the new environment was hugely helpful. Then I moved back, and was fine. I reconnected with my old friends and ignored my old enemies. There were some viscous rumors about why I had left and returned, but I wasn’t too concerned.

I’m not personally a huge fan of psychiatrists or talk therapy, but I know it was hugely helpful for one of my friends who was in a similar situation to mine. Being a teenager is super hard. I think most teenagers need someone to talk to who won’t judge them or tell their parents. If you do choose to put him in therapy, make sure it is really clear that he can tell the therapist whatever he likes (Unless it has the potential to harm him or others) without it getting back to you. If he doesn’t feel comfortable with his therapist it won’t help. And sometimes getting the right fit in a therapist can be difficult. Not every therapist is right for every person. It might take more than one try.

Talk to the school counselor and see what you can do as far as homeschooling him or online curriculums.

Have you looked into anything ouside of the school that could be encouraging the bad behaviour of the students @CruiserCruiser? Everyone else have givien you great advice on what to do for the immediate future.

I can’t suggest anything in addition to what already has been suggested. I’m praying for you my friend. Please let us know what you end up doing, and how your boy gets along.

I haven’t read the other answers yet (but I will) so forgive me if I repeat some of the statements that have been given already.

First of all, I’m so sorry to hear this. We are all here for you, in any way that we can be.

I’m thinking that in addition to contacting your son’s school counselor, principle and a competent therapist and your son’s primary care physician, you should also try to find out what websites he’s been using like Facebook, My Space, Twitter etc. I’m betting that some or most of the harrasment and bullying has come from there. You may need to get your son to write down all of the sites that he regularly visits and give you the passwords (which he may not even be willing to do)

Do you know who his closest friends are? If so, you should contact them directly, then ask to meet with them and their parents so you can ask a ton of questions that might be useful.

Who’s been bullying him?
What is the nature of the bullying? (are they calling him gay, stupid, weird etc)
What sites do they use?
Can you show me these sites?
Have the friends, themselves, ever participated in the teasing/bullying etc?
Do the parents of his friends know what is going on?

Try to get as much info from the other kids as you can. Knowing the nature of the bullying will be helpful for the therapist to adequately help your son.

Here is some information on how to deal with Online Bullying

Here is a Suicide Prevention Site with a hotline. You can call and talk to someone who can best advise you on what to do next, and where to get additional help.

Here is a site by Susan Vaught in which she discusses the triggers, warnings and treatments etc. for suicidal teens. If you scroll down you will see some interesting, but shocking information about gun safety.

Here is a site about Seeking Treatment for Suicidal Teens

Here is a site on the step to take regarding School Bullying

Here is some info about what to do if the school is not helping you and you need to look for an alternative schooling situation. Scroll down to see some of the answers and other websites that can help you decide how/where to change schools.

You should try to find out from the school administrators if your son can be transferred to another school within the same district, or if it’s possible to transfer him to another school outside of the district. Also think about whether it might be possible to send your son to live, temporarily with a relative who lives in another city, town, district so that he could change schools in that way.

There are apparently a whole bunch of online schools, that are an alternative to traditional homeschooling courses. Maybe someone on Fluther could give some advice about how to choose a school with that option.

Again, I’m so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this, but know that you aren’t alone. We’ll try our best to get you the info you need.

Just one thought from a different perspective and I hope no one is offended. I am speaking from personal experience and not saying this is the way everyone should act, I am simply saying this is what worked for me. I will add I was an adult, but I feel the situation is similar so I will tell you.

Geographical cures were not the answer for me. Moving did not eliminate the demons, they moved with me. They may have had different faces or names but they came along. Victimhood moved with me. I could not move away from life. It was only when I faced the demons that I learned how to cope.

That said I am not sure that I don’t know that I would pull my child from this school, instead I would get him to counseling so that he could acquire the skills and tools to avoid that victimhood position. I started running when I was young and it wasn’t until I stopped that I learned how to live and love and enjoy life.

Just a thought. I think you and your wife need to talk to a really good shrink or psychologist or counselor. I had a pastoral counselor who never interjected religion or god into our sessions and he was the best. You have to shrink shop until you find one who feels like home. Learn what part you play if any in your son’s situation. And of course a counselor for him as well, not necessarily the same one. He might feel inhibited if he was worried that the shrink was reporting back to you.

I think one of the first things you need to do here (apart from therapy) is establish a legal angle on things. You should not expect the kids, their parents or even the school to listen…they will listen to you if you have something on them. I think you need to document all sorts of harassment behavior your son is talking about. If there are posts on Facebook that are clearly threatening and belligerent make sure you print pages of screen shots of those. Record videos or audios of any harassing behavior if you live in a One-party state. If you live in a two party state such as California it will work against you. Kids are very vicious these days. They will not stop any of their behavior and go to lengths that might shock you. I am not sure what exactly they are doing to your to son to harass him but I have seen a lot of things.

@CruiserCruiser That makes sense to me. Going overboard, addressing the kids that are bothering him could make things worse. Today a lot changed for your son. He knows he can tell you what is going on and you will listen and not go overboard. I figure your son had a tremendous weight lifted off of him, because up until know he had a big secret, the secret of his pain, and keeping a secret is a huge burden. It has only been one day, I think seeing how it goes over the next few days will give you a guide to how radical you will need to be in the future. I am all for switching schools, but maybe this will blow over. Certainly if he dreads going every day that would be unnacceptable, not sure that is the case.

Update: Well this is worse than I first thought. His friends were the salve that made school bearable and now that they have “Stabbed him in the back” he has nothing left to look forward to at school. He wrote out a laundry list of complaints and no one escaped inclusion on the list including me. He hates most of his teachers he feels makes the class harder than it needs to be and how terrible a job they do. He told me he is so smart because he teaches himself most of the course work at home and class time is a colossal waste of time. The counselors he turns to are to him of no help. He has given up on trying or expecting help and hence has given up on school period. He has shut down and I am sick over this development. We had a good talk and I assured him I will be there for him and plan on spending as much time as I need at the school tomorrow to get results answer and options for him. He has an appointment with the therapist on Wed.

Thanks to all your kind words of encouragement and support! You guys have been amazing as usual…..sigh….

When my mother was faced with a situation similar to this with my brother, she actually hired a college student majoring in social development to be a companion to my brother, and spend several hours a day with him.

She gave the student room and board in exchange for being a companion, and actually accompanying brother to school, as a Psychological study for a student’s class project. It helped out our family and the student, who received an award for his class project.

I just sent you several PM“s about an excellent independent day school about 10 miles N. of your town. It has excellent academics as well as a firm moral compass and an administration and faculty that will pay attention.

Keep up the hard work. This is certainly the tough part of parenting, but with dilligence you can turn it into the rewarding part.
The biggest thing you stated and are doing is assuring him that you are there for him no matter what. Unconditional care is what he needs to know he has at these points in time.
There is no magic answer and it will take time.
You sound like a wonderful caring parent and that is what will carry you both through to a solution.
Prayers are with you both.

@gailcalled Thanks those are going to be very useful with what I have to attempt to accomplish today.

I haven’t read all of the answers but quick skimmed most of them so forgive me if I’m repeating anything already suggested.

What jumped out at me immediately was your mention of him being VERY bright and double honors confirms that.

Kids like that are many times the “odd man out” simply because of their intelligence level. Many teachers don’t know how to handle this, especially in public schools and the other students have some combination of resentment at these kids superior intelligence combined with discomfort about kids like this.

For a long term solution, I would suggest you look around for a school with a known reputation for rigorous academic requirements and a track record of much higher percentages of graduates going to college.

I know that some of these schools have programs or classes affiliated with a local university whereby students who qualify can begin to earn partial college credits.

In this type of prevailing atmosphere, several things are significantly different in terms of all students day by day experiences.

For one thing, academic achievement is consistently praised, rewarded and highly regarded by faculty and students alike. Being a nerd is regarded as a cool thing, not something to be despised.

There is also constant positive reinforcement for academic excellence. Generally, the majority of the student body has a higher maturity level because most are already goal oriented and committed to working to achieve.

His self esteem would get a huge shot in the arm in that type of atmosphere. He would be among those who take their studies seriously.

I have no idea what’s available in your area but I know that most areas have at least one private school with a reputation like that. Yes, a private school like that would probably be expensive, but it may me the best money you’ve ever spent if he can be in an institution where he can flourish and realize his full potential.

I know that there are a few (far too few) public schools like that. The term they used in Philly was “magnet schools” because they were not based upon arbitrary location boundaries like most public schools. They were able to draw the cream of the crop from all over the city. Obviously, their entrance requirements were much more academically rigorous (and conduct standards also upheld).

Another possibility might be a military school. That wouldn’t be my first choice, but they do have high academic standards and don’t put up with crap.

Anyhow, for the long term, just try to find the best school in your area with high academic achievement expectations for their students. He needs to be where his natural gifts are encouraged and where the other students are achievement oriented. I know it will be heads and shoulders above the majority of run of the mill schools out there.

I’ve been appalled at how often I’ve heard accounts of public school authorities reluctant to put bullies in their place and holding them accountable.

It seems they’re too afraid of being sued by the parents of those DOING the bullying so they just keep turning a blind eye.

Private schools don’t have to be reluctant to take action. Their school, their rules.

Your son really needs to be in a safe place which places value upon academic achievements so he can truly shine and feel good about himself.

I wish you all the best in finding the right school for him. And if he is absent until you find the right one, I think it would be fairly easy for him to catch up rather than spendin any more time in the toxic environment he’s in now.

So, thats my two cents, fwiw.

@gailcalled @CruiserCruiser I would just like to add that just because the school does better academically it does not automatically mean the kids or even the adults are going to be mature ( I speak from experience). It does however improve the chance of them not being as immature and therefore is good advice and a good move. “Private schools don’t have to be reluctant to take action. Their school, their rules.” if that stands true that should probably be one of the better reasons for moving your son to the school recommended by @gailcalled.
Good Luck!

@raven860: I am very careful with my wording, please note. It has excellent academics as well as a firm moral compass and an administration and faculty that will pay attention.

And a student doesn’t need to be mature beyond his grade or age level, but in this and similar schools, no student will slip, unnoticed, beyond the pale. Both the bully/tormenter and the sufferer/victim will be in the sights of teachers, grade advisors and appropriate administrators.

Update: This is much more involved than I ever expected. I came home to find my son locked in his room…(more to this story than I am willing to share) He finally let me in and the facts and details poured forth like an avalanche. I found myself in tears holding on to my my sobbing son who was inconsolable with all my might. After what seemed an eternity I got him to calm down and sort through all that he has been dealing with. Long story short I think he is biting off more than he can chew. Double honors in his courses in all but PE….Jazz Band, Piano Lessons, plays bass guitar, is a Boy Scout, Part Time Job Stage Crew…he has his own small engine repair business, a car he is restoring and a girlfriend to boot…he is only 15. :( I should be proud and I am but I feel I have failed him in that his life is anything but what he perceives to be normal…

@CruiserCruiser Try not to be hard on yourself. No matter what parents do, how fantastic they are, children many times are flat out wrong about their parents expectations of them and how their parents will react to things. You are going to help him make things better, that is what matters now. It makes sense he is just pouring everything out, sounds like it has been all bottled up for a while. He is probably afraid of dissappointing you, and now he knows he does not have to keep juggling all these things. Does he know what he might want to eliminate?

It sounds as though he needs to find his voice. Regular therapy will help him do that.

Double honors in his courses in all but PE….Jazz Band, Piano Lessons, plays bass guitar, is a Boy Scout, Part Time Job Stage Crew…he has his own small engine repair business, a car he is restoring and a girlfriend to boot…he is only 15.

Jeez. It would take a platoon on overtime to succeed in all those activities. An easy starting point is to allow him to cut way, way, way back. Let him give up whatever he wants to . Clear the decks. There aren’t enough hours in the day for the most driven kid to do much more than school work, one musical extra curric., and one small part-time job.

What, by the way, are double honors? At 15, honors isn’t enough? How many courses is he carrying? Is he in ninth or tenth grade?
An interesting question for him and his therapist (and the whole family, perhaps) is what was the need to overachieve in such a spectacular way? At least he didn’t have the lead in the school play and be the star quarterback.

I would suggest therapy for him immediately and family therapy also. This is not his problem in isolation, I would speculate.

Avalanche is good!
All that repressed stuff has been purged and it’s all out in the open, cards on the table!
Yes, sounds like he’s been under too much of an avalanche in every area of his life.
I am sure you are handling things very well, just time to thin the herd of obligations and toxic friends. Hell, I’ve done that about 3 times over by now. lol
It’s going to be just fine!

:-)

How in the world can you say you have failed a son who let you into a place he’d lock up (both physically and emotionally), cried and let you hold him and told you his fears and problems? You silly man.

You are a wonderful father, cruisercruiser. You are his mirror. Be strong and have faith in yourself and never forget what a fantastic job you guys have done raising this amazing young man. It will be okay and you guys will get through this stronger than ever.

Keep in close contact with his girlfriend through this and see if you can glean some more information from her to better understand his state of mind and thoughts. Stay strong. This too shall pass.

Going to a meeting with the school in a short bit but I thought I would share a fast-fact I just learned.

We have 2 high schools in my town both very equal in terms of curriculum and scores but get this….the one my son goes to had over 78 crisis interventions last year compared to 9 at the other High School!! What is up with that??

@CruiserCruiser Very significant fact that you have learned!

@That allows you to be loaded for bear. Keep your demeanor calm, your voice low and measured and let them have it. Use him as your guru.

I call it deceptive camouflage.

@gailcalled I actually learned this from the school counselor.

Wow.

Yes, just Wow! :-/

@gailcalled loved your guru!

@Judi: Check the same guy out here also.

He is the epitome of restraint, self-control and tolerance.

@CruiserCruiser Do you think there is any reason why the families at the other school might be less likely to involve the school innthese types of matters? My school certainly never knew and my parents never involved the school when I was depressed and in therapy. But, my problem had nothing to do with bullying by my peers.

@JLeslie I really do think it is the income levels that may have something to do with this especially in that the feeder schools to the other High School in my observation have better run and managed sports and social programs than the ones that feed my sons school. Even the scout Troops on the other side of town are well supported by deep pocket dad’s where the Troops on my side of town scrape and scrimp to get by.

I don’t know enough about the why element though but what I did get from the meeting is apparently there are a LOT of kids like my son that the counselors have to give extra support too.

The meeting did afford a tremendous amount of hope and they really came into the meeting fully prepared to do whatever it takes to get my son comfortable with his school again. It is too early to tell how he will respond to this. He is still a mess.

@CruiserCruiser I realize now I was not clear with the intent of my question. I was wondering out loud kind of if there are just as many problems in the other school, just the school was unaware, or if there truly are more troubled children in your son’s school. But, I think maybe you understood where I was going by your answer.

I am glad you feel hopeful, I am assuming your son does too for you to feel that way.

@JLeslie I almost would suspect a little of both. But truthfully, I think the affluence of the other school may allow for more private outside intervention.

@CruiserCruiser Do you feel the school might be ignoring some teasing and destructice clique activity? Or, that you would not expect them to do more. I wouldn’t expect a school to call out every instance of that sort of thing. But, extreme cases of bullying of course I would hope they do something.

@JLeslie I don’t and not pointing fingers at anyone but us. My son is simply a very sensitive and very smart young man who has taken it upon himself to not disappoint his parents and it finally was more than he could handle on his own. It simply never occurred to me to prepare my sons to ever disappoint me!

My heart is out to you Cruiser….I WILL be thinking of you and your son. I am very glad he finally came to you. I’m so glad that you’re the kind of Dad that he felt he could trust with this.

@CruiserCruiser You never did point fingers. I never felt you were trying to find a party to blame. I’ll be thinking about you and your son. I hope everything turns around fast.

Talk to your kids Jellies, ask them how they are doing and not just how was school but what did you do today in school. Hug em too while you are at it!

Good advice @Cruiser !

Well….he walked into school on his own. The school really bent over backwards to provide multiple options for him including a fall back location if he feels the need to. A very unhappy camper and he hates me for making him go.

Sometimes, being 15 sucks. Especially for a boy with hormones changing and the seasons changing…well, you know better than me, @Cruiser. You were a 15 year old boy once. Hey, I’m just curious, do you have a boys night out with your sons?

@bkcunningham Yes. We go to the community center to work out a couple nights a week and bowl at least once a week. I probably should take them each out for their own more though.

@Cruiser When I was young, I loved going out with one or both of my parents one-in-one. It was always a very special time.

I bet they would love having one-on-one time with you once a month. Even if it is out for burger or a drive or a movie. (I suppose I should say, Guys night out, instead of boys. But you know where my heart is.)

@Cruiser I hope his day goes better than he expects it to. As I told you, I went through soemthing similar and was very torn about how much to push him to go and how much to let him stay home.

@Cruiser That must have been very hard for you to push him to go to school. I’ll be thinking about him and you today.

I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but when I was a kid I told my parents what seemed like everything, but also didn’t. I told my mom when I lost my virginity at 15, I always let my mom know where I was, my parents were never very punitive, so I never had the threat of my parents being very angry, I was a good kid overall. But, I still had a very hard time when I was 14 (I was a grade ahead, so most likely the same grade as your son) and became very depressed, and didn’t say anything to my parents about being so sad, or why. The one thing I did complain about was waking up for school, and that was seriously a big deal, but no one cared, and people still don’t care about that in adulthood. And, so my complaining and exhaustian was dismissed. As I mentioned above getting a job helped, but my dad was very reluctant to let me work, thank goodness he went along with it. To this day he might not realize what that job did for me.

In my later teens, when I became depressed again, I don’t know if my girlfriend at the time saw I needed help, or she was just revealing herself to me, I just cannot remember the whole conversation well, but she told me she was seeing a therapist who helped her. The idea of a therapist, which I had never thought of before, sounded good to me. Again, in some respects my communication with my parents was very good. They had no reason to think I would not come to them with a problem. As I look back as an adult, and knowing them as an adult, I realize I really could have told them anything, now that I understand how intensely parents love and worry about their children, and knowing the people they really are from an adult point of view. My dad at first asked, “why can’t you tell me, I can help you,” he pushed that a little, and I would not talk to him. Hell, I was not exactly sure what was wrong with me. My mom luckily just set up the therapy for me. Seeing the therapist was a moment of luck, talking to my friend, and her honesty. If I had not been going to that therapist I don’t think I ever would have applied and gone away to college to get my bachelors. The therapist and my dad dragging me to a few college campuses. If he had never personally taken me and pushed me, which I was not happy about at the time, it never would have happened while I was still a teen. I was already in Community College, but just 17 years old.

I think even the parents who let their children know they can come to them with anything, still sometimes the kids don’t reveal things about themselves and their lives, until maybe it is overwhelmingly bad, and even then sometimes they don’t. I just don’t want you to beat up on yourself, or question too much your parenting. This is part of the dynamic of having a teenager I think.

Maybe because teens have no examples of it, of talking about their troubles, because we don’t see our parents talk about their struggles typically. Everyone around us seems so together on the outside, friends, adults; we think we are the only one feeling badly. So, it feels isolating, and the teen further isolates themselves.

@JLeslie Thanks for sharing all that! The biggest revelation was not only just how deep his depression is but in his own words…“dad there is so much more going on I just don’t tell you”. Apparently his life is very miserable at school and he didn’t want me to think he wasn’t having a good school experience. He wanted me to be proud of him and not worry.
You can’t make the other kids be nice to my son and he know this. This is what has been so hard about these past few days.

@flo It’s Crusier. He came back. <3!
So you decided to get him to go back. I applaud that. Yesterday I wanted to say something along the lines of “He has to face some unpleasant things in his life and he can’t always run away….” but good grief! I wasn’t about to offer that opinion when I wasn’t the one having to deal with it, and don’t know exactly what’s going on! It sounded way to serious for me to offer up some dime-store Dr. Phil, you know?

Are you still considering changing schools? I think you did the right thing by making him go back, but I would still, seriously consider changing schools.

[mod says] When Cruiser decided to come back for real, he asked me to reinstate his original account, and move this question from his “emergency” CruiserCruiser account over to his original Cruiser account.

I look back on my HS experience and except for graduation I don’t remeber one other big moment of that time that my parents factored into those 3.5 yrs. What I do remember is Rhonda who I had a massive crush on and 3 of my teachers who kept my wheels on the track especially my swim coach. These past 4 days has been rough on all of us but when you think it all is riding on your shoulders to make things right….other people step up to help carry the load.

My sons Autos teacher not only opened his door for my son to fall back to if things got tense…he welcomed my son to be his assistant during 4th period. My sons stage crew boss confided in how he got it worse at his age and extened an offer for my son to get extra hours to earn money he needs to buy parts for his El Camino. HS people do care and if all else I know none of this is lost on my son….he smiled for the first time in 6 days…

Wonderful community support group you have going there, @CruiserCruiser or @Cruiser. That is a real blessing. I bet that smile brightened your day!

@CruiserCruiser

Now you can lock yourself in your bedroom and have a few! ;-)

What good news! Looks like everything that you need is going to start showing up. :-)

Yes! That’s what you get for being a parent a son can trust! Please, please keep us updated. You did good, Dad.

Things seem to be so much worse today….I remember a gang of about 5 girls picking on me in Jr. high, but it was through hand written (3 page) notes and snide comments in passing and shit. It seemed like it went on through my whole 8th grade year…but in reality it probably lasted 4 weeks. None of it went exponentially viral like it does today. Today if you have 5 people picking on you it turns into 25, then 50 then 100 via Facebook and stuff…because too many kids/people are sheep. And the more people in on it, the more often the crap gets resurrected and it probably goes on much, much longer…..

I can’t believe Auggie Modded me! Can you mod just part of an answer Whip-Woman? Huh?? Huh?? ; ]

Great to hear that things have turned around some!

I’m happy to hear some good news for your son, @Cruiser! It’s great!

@gailcalled was kind enough to inquire about my son and realized there is more news I am overdue in sharing with all my Jellies here…

Things are better and I am happy to report my son seems to be happy again. He is still on meds and he seems to feel more secure with that assistance to help him navigate these tense times. The good part is we were able to pin point specifics that were weighing heavily of his shoulders and with our support and tremendous assistance from an incredible school staff, he is again thriving in school. Best part is he tried out for his schools bowling team which weeks ago he wanted nothing to do and in light that bowling is his passion and he was the opening act for his schools talent show where he played his own compositions on piano. At that moment I knew I had my son back.

Oh….he got is project car, his 1976 El Camino running and is as proud of that car as I was of my first car. Life is good although a constant challenge!

Thank you for you all for your care and concern

@Cruiser I’m glad the “bump in the road” has made him a stronger person.

@Cruiser Thanks goodness and thanks for reporting in. I was looking to contact you as well; it is great to hear.

Great news! Aaah, the tides they are always ‘a shiftin! :-)

Wow…I have goose bumps, @Cruiser! I feel like crying with relief. I am SO glad he has a dad like you.

@Cruiser I too am so happy to hear that things are getting better. We were all so worried. Keep up the good work.