Is love such an easy game to play?

If humans exist 200,000 years from now, they’ll still be asking this question. GQ.

Love stinks a lot of the time.

Of course it is, bullshit tends to over complicate things in some cases though.

If she can’t leave her life, and he loves her so much, why can’t he move where she is? It does not seem like either one of them loves the other enough, but at least she was always honest.

If I had a real answer to this, I’d be famous rather than just another anonymous poster on Fluther. Here’s my take on this, and all of this is a generalization – people are different, and not everyone fits this pattern. But I do – and it sounds like your friend does (are you that friend?), and I think many, many people can relate.

First, because we are human, we are drawn to things we can’t have. And some of that is for our good – the continual effort to achieve the next step in educational goals, professional development, athletic achievement . . . and on and on. All of this is well and good until it comes to our personal relationships.

I crave a person I can’t have. And with all the intelligence I can bring to bear, with all the activities and mindfulness and meditation and alcohol and (you name it) to counteract or simply “dull” this addiction, it seems hopeless. And by the way, this person I crave would not be good for me. I crave something that has hurt me and that will continue to cause me pain. And I’ve come to believe I do this (and many others have similar situations) because I hold onto the completely irrational belief that someday, I will live happily ever after. By some force of magic, by the sheer power of my love (and it is powerful), all the hurt will turn to happiness.

I suspect your friend feels much the same way. He craves those feelings that were so wonderful when he was falling under her spell. His exquisite pain in distancing himself from her is feeding the addiction. He has to return to a blissful state, or surely he will die.

I don’t mean to sound so negative – but there can’t be a happy ending here if all the “facts” you state are true. If she doesn’t want to change her life for him, and if he can’t accept that, there is nothing from which to build a lasting relationship.

I suspect that both are addicted to the battle, just as I have been for a long time.

@marinelife He is tied to his job and friends and his band and a lot of social capital that his is unwilling to give up.

@picante Thank you. That was very helpful. You mention that you are addicted to the battle. Do you have any insight on why that is or how it happened?

@envidula61 I have some theories around my addiction. Some of this is based on therapy that I’ve had over many years (not necessarily related to my current situation) and most based on my own soul-searching.

I have the classic unhealed childhood wounds: a father that was not capable of demonstrating affection; a family member who sexually abused me. I think I’ve sought the perfect father figure all my life.

I have deep needs for affection and attention that most mortals couldn’t fill. I’m smart enought to know that it is only my self-love that will ever overcome this.

I see your other post wherein you’re concerned for your friend’s safety. I’m sorry for that—and I hope you can persuade him to seek professional counseling. I would also recommend that you try to occupy his idle time as much as you can—keep his mind active around matters other than his own pain.

Love is a game, some are winners & some are losers…… the trick is to keep learning, to carry on playing or when to move on…… I know when I’m beat.. Time for your friend to move on, hopefully to somewhere closer to home….. It’s easier to get to know someone face to face as opposed to through a screen…….

I’m sorry about you friend. I’m not that experienced but with the details you provided along with you question, I can make a few things out.
Your friend should back off. She made it clear in the beginning that she didn’t want to be exclusive.
I think she’s confused about what she wants, and is therefore also confusing him. She says she ‘loves him’ but has other boyfriends.
It’s not his fault that he fell for her, she must be quite a catch. Her actions to his feelings still have the same tag/label on them, as in the beginning. Even though her words say otherwise.
He now can do one of two things:
He can pay her a visit, express his feelings to her in person, and deal with the situation, lay everything out on the table and draw a conclusion ‘together’ right there and then.
Or he could just let her go, figure out a way to get over her and get on with it. I’m sure he’ll find someone special. I gather that he’s a sweet guy, so I see no problem there.
I prefer the first one. Getting over a person is not easy. It’s a process, but it is possible.
The choice he made is his, if he still doesn’t feel better, he should do it in a healthy manner, therefore I prefer the first.
Good Luck.

If love feels like a game then it is not love.

I told you. You need to let him grieve in his own way.

Love is not an easy game but every situation is different. You ain’t feelin’ it like he does but he expected it.

I think people play games nowadays… I think if you really love someone you don’t play games you will be as honest as possible. Lay your cards on the table and deal with them. If they are not looking for the same thing in life, then they have to decide what are their needs. As long as both honest about it, I think there will be some solutions for both of them.

I don’t think people play games at love more or less than before. But sometimes other circumstances are more important than a chance at love. Neither your friend nor his inamorata are willing to move because of what they would leave behind.

There are lots of tough choices. A woman finds out after marriage that he doesn’t want kids, or she has to care for her aging parent, or move for work. Life can be damn hard, and this kind of shitty choice comes up fro many people.

Each person needs to be honest with themselves, and realize what the decision means,. If they aren’t comfortable with the decision, they need to see if they can change it.

@zenvelo totally agree with you.. I think as long as you are honest to each other, you will make the good decisions.

@zenvelo I think that if two people are truly, madly in love, then the love will keep them together no matter how painful the choices are, not because they like pain, but because the love is too strong. They will live in hope that one day the circumstances will change to allow them to be together.

@wundayatta thats very romantic… I believe in that too…

Yes I think he made the best decision…. All it will do is make the one who is wanting to be together in person more and more frustrated and unhappy that the other isn’t willing to be with them in real life. There is only so much online and phone contact can do for a person and it just doesn’t work. Its sad that she didnt want to be with him in real life, its hard to take when you feel that type of rejection.

Seems all she really wanted was a fantasy instead of reality to me.

As a game, yeah, but the difficulty increases as it gets more realistic.

One of the big problems is people treat it as a game.