Do you really let bygones be bygones?

I feel like I just answered this, but I’ll have another go.

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. In my opinion, forgiveness is about letting go of anger or a grudge, and giving a person the opportunity to repair the trust they have presumably broken (or prevented from being established in the first place.) Trust still needs to be repaired, even after being forgiven, and I’m sure there is an evolutionary explanation for that. Imagine what a silly world we would live in if we all just trusted unconditionally. Just doesn’t work that way, we have to protect ourselves and our loved ones if we want to survive.
Keeping something in memory is not the same as denying true forgiveness. And, yes, I do forgive. I try to forgive easily.. because I feel that is is healthier for me, and healthier for my relationships. As to what happens with the trust afterward, well that is up to whoever wronged me to work toward rebuilding. And I am always receptive to that.

@Pied_Pfeffer is a real soldier in the art of coming to terms with these matters and I have been following his journey with regard to a long standing issue that his mother’s friend kept on her books.

Offence and forgiveness can sure be one of the big stumbling blocks on our way to living our lives fully and healthily. Whether a big issue or a lesser one, forgiveness is the only thing that frees us and other parties up. Sometimes people whom we feel we deserve a blessing from can’t or aren’t able to give it. Blessing is just the word that means the slates are cleared from their side – that is so freeing. Sometimes we need to ask forgiveness of others and whether they accept our contriteness is now up to them. Sometimes people with whom we don’t feel we have clear emotional accounts have already died and we don’t know how to make things alright between us. But because this is a spiritual transaction, it is still effective and freeing.

Really, the topic of forgiveness is a big teaching of Jesus in the New Testament. I would encourage you to do some checking into this essentially spiritual matter. Jesus is all about forgiving others and seeking forgiveness where appropriate. This breaks down walls and feels very freeing. Forgiveness, @wundayatta, is 100% effective spiritually once the heart does this, and it helps to speak it out into the air whether you are alone or with another in a “role playing” model where that person is sitting in proxy for the actual party.

For a long time I used to wonder why it seemed that Jesus was commanding us to forgive; I see that it is because if we don’t it puts us in a form of prison and it was wonderful when I finally came to recognize that it is God’s love that makes this such a central issue. It is because He wants YOU free! It isn’t all about forgiving for forgiveness’ sake but so that you can go on with your heart clear whatever the other person(s) do or don’t do. We see this all the time on TV interviews with people/families that have been severely wronged. Big life stealing issues. Those that are able to come to terms and forgive, can go on. The ones who don’t – are stuck right there. It is super hard when the one you have these obstacles with are one or both of your parents. After all, they are the ones that were put here on this earth to love you and care for you – really to represent a true God like love to you. but how far short most parents fall and some really have no resemblance at all to this because of their own damage. Most parents do the best they can based on what light they have to give you. Lots of times it’s dim indeed.

There are many books, internet articles writen on this topic. If we are human, this affects us all. Once we do learn to truly forgive, the sting is gone from the relationship and though of course we remember the facts of things, we forget in the sense that the pain is gone. Though simple and sounding childish, it really comes down to the issue or damaged relationship was like a “bee” and the forgiveness caused the bee to lose its “sting-aree”.

No, while I don’t hold grudges or stay angry at the person, I am also very cautious about trusting them. My sister stole from me and my parents, so I never “lend” her money. When she asks, I tell her I don’t lend money anymore, but I would be glad to give her a small gift, if that would help.

I have a letter from her where she told me she doesn’t “need” family and it’s important for her to stand on her own two feet. I often tell her how proud I am of her choice to stand on her own two feet, and how well she’s doing, especially when she asks me for a favor.

Yes. I forgive and forget. Sometimes forgetting take more but I only mention them only when the other person asks me to.

It depends if the offending person is generally untrustworthy or if the offense was a freak occurrence. Some people I don’t feel the need to forgive, I’ll just limit my exposure or cut them out my life in order not to worry them screwing anything or anyone up.

If you really want to maintain your sanity, then yes.. By holding a grudge, by living and breathing revenge then your adversary wins in the end as your every thought would be on him/her.. Rise up, put it behind you and get on with your life.. Now, after trust.. That’s a different story. Caution is the only alternative there because if you go all the way with your forgive/forget then your setting yourself up for future disappointment and if they know that this is what your doing then they deserve it for betraying your trust in the beginning but you don’t have to keep reminding them in words or deeds.

Dear friend, @ANef_is_Enuf has pretty much summed it up…Forgiveness and forgetting are not the same thing. There are people who forgive and forget; those that forgive and do not forget; and others that do not forgive, but forget as time passes. And then there are those that do not forgive and never forget.

What it comes down to is that we all make mistakes, and each situation needs to be treated differently. How your father dealt with your interactions is not how all people handle our mistakes. Your wife is a perfect example. She seems to be sticking beside you through thick and thin. She sees the big picture and the value that you provide in your lives.

Life is messy. We learn from our mistakes, or at least I hope so. Sometimes it takes more than once to learn these lessons. It is really hard when it involves someone you care dearly about or covet the respect of, like a parent. There comes a time though when we need to let go of this desire and realize that this person has their own short-comings. One of these may be acceptance that we grow from our mistakes. We also grow from choosing what is best for ourselves, even if these mentors would have chosen another path.

I wish I could beg of you to let some of this guilt or feelings to go, yet I know that is not of your nature. All I can tell you is that should you do so, you will find a lightness that you deserve. You need to forgive yourself for how others judge you and only take away the experience of understanding how your actions caused a reaction in others. That is a worthy life lesson.

@smilingheart1 Thank you for the nod in my direction. The situation that I posted and you refer to is banal compared to @wundayatta,‘s but to a small degree, there is a simaliarity. The challenge is that he and I are two very different people. I am confrontational and have to keep it in check, and he is non-confrontational to a certain aspect. We need to learn how to assess the situation and step out of our comfort zone in dealing with these scenarios based upon the situation. It is difficult, but it is part of continuing to grow up, despite our ages.

I try my best.

It’s my practice to forgive, because carrying all that emotional baggage is just a waste of energy, and life’s too short to go around hating and feeling frustrated.

Sometimes people fall into the mistake of blaming their fathers too much for how they are today. Instead of owning up to one’s shortcomings, they use the “victim” excuse and blame their fathers, who were more often than not just trying their best to raise a demanding family amid all the stress of being a man and competing in this rat race of a world we live in. Instead of according some respect due to them, they are beaten down for the “troubles they have caused. Most of the time, however, our Dads just wanted us to be “tough and disciplined, so we can cope in the world that they had to contend with themselves. It’s understandable.