Any tips for a divorced man with limited emotional range to connect with his 12 year old daughter?

Know what goes on with girl and electronics such as texting, online gaming, social sites.

Don’t overload her with extracurricular activities thinking it will keep her “out of trouble”. Don’t let her feel hustled off, cut off from peers, managed rather than interacted with.

Take drives together to places you can walk, explore and learn stuff together over hanging out at the movies or walking the shopping mall.

If your side of the family is a positive one, keep your daughter in the mix as far as visiting, attending celebrations and even funerals so she can get to know extended family and feel she’s part of a greater whole than immediate family members.

Love the topics.

If you can find something that interests her that you can sincerely share in and do with her – movies, bike riding, reading, shopping for something – it could be a real bond. A friend of mine who is divorced cooks with his 14 year old daughter and shares hip hop and rap songs with her via MP3s.

Ooh, little stuffs too like:

Know what day of the week and time of day she was born on. Recall a story of her birth you can tell now and then.

Know her favorite colors, flavors, foods, books, movies, friends names, places she’s been, places she wants to go.

Keep a small notebook you can jot things down in, you never know what will come up in conversation you’ll wish you had for reference.

In your home, keep a drawer and place in a bathroom where “her stuff” can always be found.

Create some ritual for when she visits at your home, a special breakfast, snack, a boardgame played or a dance you two learn together.

Take pictures every time she visits. Kids love pictures, they take them of each other constantly so get in there with showing her you think she’s important to have pictures of you can have around, on your cellphone, screensaver, etc.

Be sincere. No matter what your approach.

Just be there and be authentic. Remember her birthday, Christmas and special events. Show her you want to be in her life by recognising and acknowledging the things that are important to her. Write her a letter every now and then telling her you are proud of her and love her. Send her a text when you think about her (not too sooky though!!). Pick up the phone and just say hi, how are you doing? If you know she loves a particular band or movie or something… buy some tickets and take her. If you see something you know she will love (don’t make it expensive stuff, it could be something that costs nothing at all but shows you thought of her), get it for her. Really, you just need to show her through your actions that you do actually care and you want to be in her life. If the opportunity arises, tell her you don’t find being overtly emotional easy, but that you love her totally. If you are sincere, she will get it.

There’s a lot of great advice here that will certainly help you keep a close bond with her. I don’t know you at all so please don’t be offended by this advice but being the daughter of a dad who did it all wrong please don’t do the following:

1. Do not use her as a messenger ever and don’t tell her bad things about her mom. If you can somehow make sure her mom follows the same advice.
2. Don’t break your promises,don’t blow her off, don’t forget her birthday or other special events
3. Don’t move halfway across the country and make a new family.
4. Don’t give up even if it seems you’ve done it all wrong as long as you keep trying to be there and keep trying to be the best dad you can be eventually she will come around… more likely after puberty passes… And she’ll appreciate that alot

I agree with @janbb.

My father frequently treated things I was interested in as trivial. Bad idea. If she babbles about girl teenage stuff that you have no interest in, try to remember she is telling you about her world and any conversation gives you opportunity to bond with her.

Limited emotional range, quick tips…boy, sounds like a perfect material for a Hollywood dramedy-family movie.

My suggestion, and I’m not a father so this is going to be so lacking in credibility…set aside 8 minutes everyday thinking about her and what you can do to be the Dad that she deserves and for you to be the kind of father you want to be, in spite of your situation.

Get a timer and make sure it’s never less than that. 8 minutes and the answers will all come to you. Good luck.

Do you have joint custody? Visitation? How much time are you able to spend with her? How long since the split? She is at an age where emotions are turbulent anyhow, and dealing with a divided family may be contributing to that. Be sincere in your interest to be closer to her, and show her that you are.

Find out what her interest are and ask her about them. Have her teach you. If she like video games learn to play some with her. If she likes bowling or rowing or some activity, than do that with her. This is a difficult time for her. She’s close to puberty and her emotions will be all over the place. Let her know that you will listen when she needs to talk. She still will have moments when she just wants to be your little girl and have fun. So do that. And there will be moments when she thinks your the biggest jerk she knows because you just don’t understand her. Don’t take it personal.
But don’t forget to parent. Don’t let guilt guide you. You are her parent first and last. She doesn’t need a friend. Your her dad. She needs to know that when she is with you that she can feel safe because you will keep her from harm. Even if it means saying no and putting your foot down and breaking her heart. In the long run she will appreciate that you were there to guide her properly.

@ANef_is_Enuf Every other weekend, but it was amicable.

What I have noticed is my sons and I go out on evening trips all the time. I offer to take her for special daddy daughter stuff and she rarely takes me up on it lately.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought how old are the boys?

9 and 7

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought again, I think that age may be a factor with your daughter. Though, you know her, do you think that is incorrect? Do you think there is more to it? Why do you think the distance has grown?

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought that may just be her age. Their friends and own lives become more important than us for a while as they go through puberty and the teenage years. Let her have her space, but don’t stop offering and sincerely finding ways to let her know you are there for her. Perhaps offer to let her invite along a friend if you take her to the movies or something. Be a good way for you to keep up with who her mates are too.

@ANef_is_Enuf I am new to having a child about to enter puberty :). Which is kind of why I am asking for tips on how to not go wrong with a daughter going through it.

I appreciate all the answers I have gotten so far, thanks everyone.

I don’t think it’s possible not to “go wrong” from a pubescent child’s point of view. @Bellatrix nailed it. Offer to be there for her, offer to let her friends join you on excursions, because her social life is probably going to be one of her top priorities for a while. Don’t take that personally.

This is advice coming from someone who know absolutely nothing about these things so it can be taken with several grains of salt but first I would suggest you stop thinking of yourself as “a man with limited emotional range.” I doubt that it’s actually true and even if it is thinking of yourself that way doesn’t help. Second, I third @janbb‘s advice: do whatever you can to find something that she likes and that you like that the two of you can do together and I think the rest will follow. Does she like horses? Take horseback riding lessons together. Fishing, cooking, movies, bike riding, go carts, anything and even if you don’t like it, try, don’t fake an interest in something just for her, she’ll see through that, but it’s amazing how interesting and how much fun something can be if you’re doing it with a kid, or someone you love, or particularly a kid you love.

I also think her age has a lot to do with it. Even if you were married to her mother and living in the house she would be ignoring you to some extent at her age.

This is about the age that girls start comming into thier own they start looking for attention from boys so this is also a very important time for you to give her attention. My father and I had father/daughter day once a month just me and my dad nobody else. This made me feel special. Shopping, Going to the Lake. Find something you guys like to do together. (this means you may have to do a little acting inorder to find a common interest) =) P.S. Make sure that you spend the time with your daughter is about her, don’t talk about the divorce or anything that speaks negative about her mother. This may cause her to pull away from you because she feels she has to choose a side to take. Good Luck

This will likely sound a little odd but… Movies. Me and my Dad have a similar taste in them though we also liked different genres, sometimes we’d watch one the other was going to see just so we could talk about it.
Otherwise be patient, she’s twelve – she’s going to be a teenager sooner than you think or might want. She’s growing up and you can’t be there for her the way you could before when you were living together. She’ll want her independence – let her know your there but don’t check on her every five minutes or try to organise her schedule when she hits that teen stage. Offer her a couple of suggestions and let her pick, who knows maybe she’ll come up with something totally different.

Don’t worry about a limited emotional range my Dad’s like that and I can translate “Dad” pretty well, I’ve got Mum for that end of things should I need it and I imagine your daughter does too. Physical distance never means that you stop caring for someone.

Oh yeah – presents, don’t feel that you have to buy her huge really expensive presents just to make up for not being there, she might take that as trying to buy her affections, something small that you’ve put a lot of thought into will do.

P.S. Dad’s are there to embarass themselves in front of their daughters, so don’t worry about it, any situations end up being funny memories later.