If a friend of yours revealed a dark disturbing secret of theirs, what would you do?

Been there, done that.

I offered support.

Depends on why they made the revelation.

Are they seeking redemption or do they want me to tell them it is okay? Do they want help putting it right, or becoming a better person, or are they just trying to make me a co-conspirator emotionally?

Depends on what the act was they committed.

I don’t associate with criminals and that is my advice to you.

I would feel honored they valued me enough to confide in me and share such a burden they have been carrying. Like @Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard said I would offer as much support I could to them. If there were legal issues I may encourage them to face the music and do the right thing.

Depends, really, not on the act, but on my judgement of them as a person now. I doubt it would change what I fundamentally thought of them. People are people, and capable of all sorts of things. I don’t delude myself into thinking we are all perfect.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought say they don’t really know why the told you, that they don’t want to be told it’s okay, maybe that guilt is driving them into believing they don’t deserve friends and they told you partially in the hope that you’d ditch them and tell everyone you knew to stay away from them effectively turning them into a pariah, and maybe they’re looking for redemption. But they’re not looking to be told that they’ve paid enough in penance, because they know it may easily be never enough.

@King_Pariah then they are still acting in a selfish manner.

They have put a burden on me to help them fix it, regardless of what they were thinking when they told me. If they truly want redemption, they have to let me help them fix it.

It is not like you can un-hear what you have heard, and if you care about that person, it is going to rip you apart until you make it okay somehow for everyone.

It would really depend on what the secret was and what their reasoning was for doing said heinous thing. I’d offer what support I could.

I don’t hold most peoples’ pasts against them if they have done self-work to move beyond whatever caused them to make those mistakes in the first place. I know many people over the years who have done things in their teens or 20’s that they greatly regret because of bad judgment, but have done much in their later years to redeem themselves and did self-work to improve their reactions/perceptions, etc. If they’re just repeating mistakes, then I don’t have the time or energy to pick them up.

However… if their mistakes were made from a flaw in their fundamental character, not from lack of judgment, I would take a second look at whether I’d trust that person with my friendship.

I think it depends more on how I assess their current contrition, whether they have made amends – or at least made an attempt to – and that it’s not an ongoing thing.

I generally agree with @john65pennington‘s advice to avoid consorting “with criminals”, but someone who “has committed a crime” but is not now doing so is no longer “a criminal” in my eyes, as long as he isn’t directly benefiting from the previous crime with no attempt at restitution.

After all, even though I’m not a Christian any more, it’s the Christian thing to do, isn’t it? “Go thou, and sin no more.”

It’s not the act, but the motivation in telling me that is crucial.

In 12 step programs, the fifth step is “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” That step is crucial, even if the “wrong” is heinous, in order for the person to recover.

If a person is remorseful and trying to resolve a past deed I would not judge them. If it was something they should be in jail for, I would advise them they are not free until they have made amends by dealing with the criminal justice system.

If they tell me because they are bragging about something that’s always been secret, I would not keep their secret at all.

I would certainly wish they didn’t tell me because I would have to report them as they now make you an accessory after the fact.
71. Accessory after the fact—-

(1) An accessory after the fact to an offence is one who, knowing any person to have been a party to the offence, receives, comforts, or assists that person or tampers with or actively suppresses any evidence against him, in order to enable him to escape after arrest or to avoid arrest or conviction.

(2) No married person whose spouse has been a party to an offence shall become an accessory after the fact to that offence by doing any act to which this section applies in order to enable the spouse, or the spouse and any other person who has been a party to the offence, to escape after arrest or to avoid arrest or conviction.

Thats why before anyone asks me if they can tell me a secret I always tell them, sure, so long as it wasn’t a crime they commited because I would have to report it.

The penalty for being an accessory after the fact is hidden away in Section 312 of our Crimes Act 1961. That Section says :

312. Accessory after the fact to crime—- Every one who is accessory after the fact to any crime punishable by imprisonment, being a crime in respect of which no express provision is made by this Act or by some other enactment for the punishment of an accessory after the fact, is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 7 years if the maximum punishment for that crime is imprisonment for life, and not exceeding 5 years if such maximum punishment is imprisonment for 10 or more years; and in any other case is liable to not more than half the maximum punishment to which he would have been liable if he had committed the crime.

If it’s in the past & they’ve paid their due to society already & it’s just the guilt they have themselves over their past actions, I’d do my utmost to help them iron out their guilt or regret, Life goes on, plus it’s too short, they need to unload that shit before it really starts messing with their head :-/ I was that Man.

I would stay friends with them, no matter what they did and just be there for them. I would help them through it.

It depends on what the secret is. They killed a man who was raping a woman? No problem. They raped a woman themselves? Fuck you.

@WillWorkForChocolate

Ditto.

Place my hands over my ears & go la la la la!!! Quite loudly, oh yeah.

The person finally got up the courage to share this with you after a long time. You have stated the person feels guilty and contrite about it. I am guessing this is a law evading issue that the person got away with? I think the trust level for this person to communicate this to you must be very high from their side to yours. Has the person told you why they told you, whether it was just a need to “be truly known” by you or whether in some way they are wanting you to help them walk through some “dealing” (coming to terms) either emotionally or legally.

It would depend on the circumstances.

Depends on what the secret was. If it was a criminal act it would depend on if they’d already paid their debt to society for it. But if it was in the past and they’d done their time for it, then I would just offer support.

As has been said perspective and motivation are largely central to the question. Answering generically: I’ve been the ear for many people and I don’t mind being that person, perhaps because I understand that their choices are their own and it is not for me to take their responsibility from them. I’ve been a shoulder to cry on, listened, comforted, advised, forgiven, chastised, and shrugged each time with unique results. I’ve become forever and deeply entwined with friends along the way and cut ties with others unreservedly. Through it all I feel I’ve learned that lending an ear costs only what you charge yourself and when things are darkest sometimes we just want to know that someone’s still there.

It really depends on what it was they did and whether they’re remorseful and/or were caught.

Certain things wouldn’t disturb me, in fact I would find quite intriguing (former professional cat burglar Assuming they didn’t harm anyone physically.)

Other things would give me pause (fundraiser for the Republican Party).

And some acts would truly disturb me, such as murder or rape. For things that extreme, the severity of my revulsion would depend (to a degree) on whether they were caught and how they feel about it now.

A family member once told me he was physically abusive (not often, but a handful of times) toward his wife, including kicking her once in the stomach. He was remorseful, but I still lost a lot of respect for him after that.

It depends on so many things and not so much what they did (although that would matter of course) but why they did it, what they had done since to make amends perhaps, how they felt about their behaviour both before and since, why they told me and what they wanted from me in return. Probably a lot of other things too. I hope I would be mature enough to weigh up all of these things and respond in an appropriate way.

I would listen, and try to be as non-judgmental as I could be. Depending on the act and the circumstances surrounding the act, I would likely remain friends with them. Due to my own issues (stuff that happened to me in the past), I’m sorry to say that certain things would be a deal-breakers though. If you’re a pedophile, I will not be able to handle it. At all.

The range of possible dark secrets I have heard from others in my life have required very different responses on my part.

The common element to my responses involved having the person take personal responsibility for what they have done.

Some situations require mandatory reporting to the relevant authorities.

Referrals to sources of professional support outside my areas of expertise sometimes were required.

In some cases, I entered into some form of therapeutic relationship with the person.

Many times I cold just listen, and be empathetic and supportive.

There have even been times when I was bewildered and confused and sought the advice of others on how to proceed.

@augustlan Totally agree. I couldn’t be friends with someone who’d molested a child. Even if it was my very best friend who I love like a sister. I’d drop her like a hot potato.

It all depends on what they share. If they share something really personal I keep their secret if it’s a bad deed they did. Getting them to trust me takes time and I’m not gonna disappoint them by “sharing” with non factors.

As many said, that would depend on certain factors. If it’s something to do with the law, I’m not sure how much of a choice I’d have, depending on the act. Something like murder or abuse. You’d have to break the secret.
If none of that accounted for the dark secret, I’d keep it to myself. But if it was something ruining their lives, I’d highly be pushy and insist they seek help, if possible, even if they dun wanna. I’d be supportive, however I could, either way.

I’ve had people tell me secrets they were tremendously ashamed about. They might have come from a culture where such acts were seen as the most immoral acts possible. Yet, for me, I did not share those values. They came to the right person. I helped relieve them of much guilt.

And I have had people help relieve me of my guilt for my transgressions against others. After a while, you realize it’s kind of hard to be holier than thou, so it seems to make sense to be empathetic with others. I believe that most people are good people. Some get caught in situations where they have no idea how they got there and they react instinctually, making a bad situation worse.

For me, it’s about making things better as best you can. Or about causing as little harm as possible, but also not taking on so much pain (while avoiding harming others) that your only choice is to kill yourself. It’s a delicate balance. I live in the middle of that world. The people who need understanding find me.

@WillWorkForChocolate

What if it was something awful: a rape, a murder, kicking a puppy? Is there no chance of redemption if the person seems truly ashamed, contrite and “changed” from the person who did that “back when”?

What’s the point of forgiveness if we’re still going to judge a person on something that was an aberration, and which probably won’t happen again? A lot of awful things happen in wars, in mobs and riots, and at other times of extreme stress. I would hope that if you’ve got a friend that you seem to know, and you know he’s “not like that”, that maybe there’s a story to hear… and forgive, even if it’s a horrible one.

So far in my own life I haven’t been faced with anything like that, I admit. Infidelity (twice), an attempted suicide (each from a different person), and various slings and arrows, but nothing more evil than that. Forgiveness has been easy up to now. I don’t know how I’d handle “a murderer” ... although I’m acquainted with one who’s suspected of a recent murder of an ex-wife.

@CWOTUS I think some things are beyond human forgiveness. Thats why people will say, may God forgive you or have mercy on your soul. I think its hard to forgive people who do irrevocable harm to another human being. I think if it was something where they were forced to because they had a gun to their head, then I can see not judging them for it. Or if it was something an adult forced a minor to do. But short of that, some things, like murder, rape or abuse of animal or human is beyond my scope of forgiveness. Yes, they may feel guilty. But guilt isn’t something that should be washed away. Guilt is what drives a person to become better. Wouldn’t matter if I forgave someone for doing something to someone else. The forgiveness they would need would need to come from those they hurt. Until they can get their forgiveness than they should suffer with the guilt as much as their victims suffer.

Listen mostly. Try to be there for them, support them. Obviously they know what they did and they feel bad about it. I’m not going to make them feel worse about it nor am I going to tell them that they did the right thing. A friend is a friend. You don’t abandon them because of past mistakes. Beyond that it is up to them. It’s what they do now that really matters.

Well, you say “some things are beyond human forgiveness”, and I understand “beyond the forgiveness of some humans”, but…

Consider what Joe Stalin is reputed to have said about murder: “A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.” Joe Stalin was indirectly responsible for the death of up to twenty million people in his own country, not to mention thousands of Poles when he agreed to conquer and split Poland with Hitler at the outset of WWII. He was probably directly responsible for scores, if not hundreds or thousands, of murders of Soviet rivals and their supporters. But lots of people liked Stalin. They saw no need to even forgive him. If he had kicked a puppy on a YouTube video, how much different would it have been? How much more evil would that make him?

I would offer support as long as the person is, as a few others have said, on the path to correcting their mistake and are truly remorseful and have made a commitment to growth.

If they seem to be a sociopath I’m outta there. lol

@CWOTUS For me, personally, there is no chance of redemption if I find out someone I love did something that I consider “evil”. I do not consider murder in self-defense to be evil, nor do I consider committing murder in defense of a third party to be evil.

I do consider stripping away the innocence of someone else to be evil, so if I found out someone I love had previously raped someone, molested a child, murdered a child, etc… no matter how much I loved that person, I’d still shove their ass away from me in a heartbeat and never speak to them again.

I am not God, and I do not have it in me to forgive someone who has committed an evil act. I just can’t do it. It will be between them and God to judge whether or not they’re truly sorry for what they did. I don’t give a shit if they say they’re sorry, if they did something evil to shatter their own soul, I will not forgive that.

I’d stick with him. Nothing from the past could be as dark and disturbing to wreck a good friendship. The past is the past, now is now. Move on.

@King_Pariah You’re not talking about me are you? Lol.

@MRSHINYSHOES no, not you, this is actually me.

@King_Pariah What I told you was pretty dark, don’t you think?

@King_Pariah Wanna’ get it off your chest? At least some here will listen and not judge.

I already have to a few that I trust ish

I’m glad. :)

A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you.