Family members/friends that live beyond their means?

Well, what can you do? There’s no solution to this. Maybe throw in witty anecdotes when they start complaining?

Lead by example.

Personally, I take 100% responsibility for my actions. When someone close to me begins ranting I remind them that if they aren’t part of the solution, they are part of the problem.

Sounds like a toxic relationship to me, if they are setting themselves up as “woe is me” when they make enough. I have a few family members like this. When they begin, I remind them that we have a special needs son, yet are getting by while paying all medical bills and homeschooling him. It’s usually a conversation changer.

Just learn to indulge them in their pity party like what @Blackberry said (then let it go). But don’t get in the habit of being an enabler.

Tahnk you for your responses. It’s my sister and her husband….they literally make about ten times more money per year than I do as a single Mom, yet she calls me for emotional support. I have given into her in the past and let her use my credit card for her prescriptions, but have yet to see that money back. My parents have also stopped helping them out. Unfortunately, with my sister, money=happiness, so lack of money =extreme depression and suicidal thoughts. I know…it’s messed up. It just such an emotional drain on all of us….was hoping some insights from fellow flutherers might give me an alternate way to handle it.

Yep, that is a toxic relationship. I would set up strong boundaries with them and if they cross the line, I’d cut them off for a while.

They need to solve their own problems. Their financial troubles are not yours to deal with whatsoever.

Agreed, SpatzieLover, it is definitely a toxic relationship. Have said that in the past. I’ve recently started, instead of listening, giving MY opinion on what should be done. Downsize, get rid of one vehicle, etc. She gets defensive, but that usually means she doesn’t call for a while. So maybe I will just continue to react that way. Difficult because she is my family and I love her dearly, but it’s time to take a stand.

“I’ll give’em a shoulder, I’ll give’em an ear, I’ll give’em advice, but I’m not a bank or an ATM so don’t even ask.” Most of my family/friends have figured that one out by now and the friends closest to me know to come, if there’s a problem, before it gets to that point.

@Gingerlaurie It’s a very difficult situation to be in. If you have the means, you may want to discuss how you’d best proceed with a therapist or psychologist, especially since this involves all of your “original’ family members. It can become a train-wreck quickly if you and your parents aren’t on the same page.

It would be best if you and your parents discussed openly how you’d all prefer to proceed. It’d be best without attack, emotion or being reactionery. If you could all together say “We will not pay your bills. We cannot help you financially. We think you should seek professional financial advice”

Something along those lines to stop them from asking while attempting to help.

Tell them to give their money to you so you can “run” things for them ^^ [if it’s about money related].

If it’s other stories then just listen to them, maybe they want someone to listen.

What’s wonderful is my parents and I are definitely on the same page, thank goodness! To be honest, I think the trainwreck for my sister and her husband, is inevitable. And unfortunately, some people need to hit rock bottom before they are willing to change. And you’re correct….financial advice is a step in the right direction!

Hibernate, they would never, ever allow me to run things for them….that would be admitting the problem. And if I did? Wow….they’d hate me forever!! My mantra is “Learn to want what you already have.”

@Gingerlaurie It’s great for your situation that you know you and your parents are on the same page. It ends one potential battle.

Since you and your parents have given in to their “woe is me” ploy with money, you collectively need to put the kibosh to any future funds.

The first time I talk to them about it, “how did this happen,” “do you think you can change (example here) and do better,” etc. Coach them.

The second time, quite literally, “I already told you what you need to do, if you don’t it’s your own fault” and “why the H do you keep doing this dumb shit”

You shake you head and don’t lend them money.

Well here is what I did when faced with the situation when a friend came to me with the same situation… I did not help with money but advice and her know I would be willing to look at her finances if she needed me to and give her advice what she needed to do to live on what she made.

My father has this problem. He makes more money than both his siblings, my mother and stepfather combined, but he’s always dead broke. He is a compulsive spender and at one point, he was crying to me because he had no money. This was at a time I was living on Ramen noodles and no a monthly public bus pass which I could barely afford .

I get really angry with him and his bad spending habits. I strongly suspect he’s committed credit card fraud, tax evasion and identity theft to support his spending habits recently (I don’t know for sure, but this wouldn’t surprise me in the least.)

I feel conflicted sometimes because lately, he’s been feeling guilty about this and he’s been buying my daughter gifts and giving me handfuls of cash every few months. On the one hand, I know that he can’t afford to do this because his spending is so out of control. On the other hand, I feel like he SHOULD be able to afford these gifts with the wad he earns. And after years of him welching on promises and kinda being a jerk, I feel like I deserve this stuff.

I wish I had a good answer for this, but right now I take the presents, feel guilty about it and am very grateful that I didn’t inherit his disastrous spending habits.

A firm but gentle, ‘No, we can’t give you money.’ None of the family has lived terribly far beyond their means, but now and then someone will come up with some plan or other that requires significant amounts of money and will approach my dad – who earns fairly well and is very good about managing his income.

Keobooks, your Father sounds very similar to my sister. She’s very generous, and has helped me in the past, but I have always made it clear that I will repay her or, in some instances, when she has offered me help but I know I will not be able to pay her back, I have told her so. So therfore I completely inderstand the “guilt” factor in the entire issue. Such a hard place to be in.