When, if ever, would you tell your adopted child that they're adopted?

The minute they were old enough (in an age appropriate way) to understand, and in such a way to let them know that they were specially picked out. Because KatawaGrey is the child of a single mother by choice and a vial of purchased sperm this question hits fairly close to home. I started explaining her circumstances to her when she was very young so that she would never feel deceived about something so visceral as her identity. I’ve known people who were adopted and not told until there was some kind of medical thing (even a routine blood test can “out” the truth) and they felt horribly betrayed by their families. KatawaGrey can tell about children of sperm donors that found out after they were grown, and also felt betrayed.

I would tell them gradually, from a very early age, when they have the concept of Mommy, Daddy, and family. I’d make it along the lines of “you have a special mommy too.”

The longer one waits, the more emotionally upsetting it is. And it should not be “a secret”, being open and honest demonstrates your love and respect for the child, and makes them more secure in your love.

This all about the emotional health of the child and not at all about any of the parents, biological or adoptive.

It would be part of our daily conversation. “You are so special! You were chosen!” It would start from day one.

I would tell as soon as they we’re able to understand. My genetics are so screwed up I’d need to know as soon as possible.

Same as @JilltheTooth & @Judi. We haven’t yet made a firm decision to adopt. If/when we do, it will be the same story daily from the minute we’d bring the baby home.

As a matter of fact, I’d probably make the story into a poem or song so the baby could recite its story to his/herself.

I agree with the “as soon as they can understand” approach. My children are test tube babies and we’ve been letting them know about that since they’ve been able to take it in, whenever that was. My son was even in the freezer for four years. Technically, they are twins, although they were not born at the same time, they were conceived at the same time.

We all have individual birth stories. I don’t think it’s much of a big deal unless you make it so. Adoption is as interesting a story as any other. We all tell our children their birth stories. There is no reason to be ashamed of any of them, in my opinion. So, unless you are ashamed, you would talk about it from as soon as the child asks or as soon as you want to.

If a parent is ashamed of the story, they should tell it anyway, lest they transfer that shame to the child when the child finds out, as they inevitably will. You can not keep such a story quiet, so you should act as if you are not ashamed until you actually aren’t ashamed.

In truth, it is hard for me to understand why people ever were ashamed of it, but I know they were. I can understand why birth parents might be ashamed, but why would adoptive parents be ashamed. Do people truly think of these kids as somehow lesser because of being adopted?

Yep, asap.

Right away at a young age so they grow up knowing.

As soon as they looked around and realized that they couldn’t possibly be genetically related to anyone in my family if they at all felt “Normal” I would have to tell them, my family is catchy.

My wifes brother was never told he was adopted, until he turned 21. He felt betrayed and he abandoned his adopted family.

Age 13 is a good age to tell them they are adopted.

@john65pennington I believe that adoption issues are the same exact thing as birth issues… Is there ever really a “Right” time to either have a child, or tell a child? You never really know until you do.

My little brother had a friend who was told at about 13 and it was a disaster! Right when your hormones are raging and you are doubting yourself and trying to establish your own identity. That was the worlds worst age to tell him.Sorry to disagree @john65pennington

I had a cousin that was not told that she was adopted by her “dad” (her mom had an abusive husband prior to my uncle)...Long story short, she found out while filling out paper work for college. That was a family killer. Bad idea! She in turn told her brother. He has never forgiven his parents for their decision :(

Honesty is always the best policy.

We did adopt a child, and we started telling her from day 1. Who cares that she was only one and couldn’t speak. She listened to us and we talked about all sorts of other things. Why not that?

I don’t understand why you would wait to tell them. It’s the truth and I’m not keen on lying to my child.

Now she’s eight and knows all the ins and outs about her adoption. She’s very clear that while your “mother” and “father” could be anyone, your “mom” and “dad” are the ones that put the effort into raising you, being there for you, and loving you.

There’s no confusion.

‘Course it helps that she’s asian and we’re caucasian, so it’s not like there could be any confusion.

My friend’s third son was adopted and it was an open topic in the house from the time he came home. It has never been a big issue as far as I can tell and they are a very open and loving family.

If these things are not discussed, when they come out there is an underlying inference of shame by the adoptee, or in fact any child with an alternate beginning who has not been told early on. If it’s treated as simply something that is, instead of something that is different, then it’s fine.

”If it’s treated as simply something that is, instead of something that is different, then it’s fine.”

@JilltheTooth: Exactly!!

I’m gonna catch hell for this, but… I sometimes feel that that “inference of shame” is more prevalent amongst parents who chose adoption as a last resort, after many failed attempts at getting pregnant – as opposed to parents who simply choose to adopt earlier on in the process of deciding to have kids.

@cprevite Interesting theory. Maybe because they feel they failed at what they really wanted to do. Now, have a cookie.

Actually, @cprevite , although that is an interesting theory, I was thinking about anything that is kept for too long from a child having an underlying inference of shame. If it’s not all out there, then something is wrong with it.

@janbb: Yeah, I certainly don’t want to speak for every adoptive parent, but that’s been my observation amongst adoptive families we know. And we know about 25 of them.

I’ve noticed these parents also often lead off their “adoption story” with the story of how they tried, and tried to get pregnant first. Which is fine, but I’ve heard them recount this story in front of their adopted child. And I think, “How does that make them feel? Like second choice?”

“Have a cookie”? You baking them up penguin??

@JilltheTooth: Yes. I would certainly agree with that also.

@cprevite I’ve observed the same. :( I’ve always wanted to adopt. I can’t imagine ever making any child feel lesser.

@JilltheTooth I agree witht “anything that is kept for too long from a child having an underlying inference of shame” Our psychologist wanted us to wait to inform our son his diagnosis. We told him as soon as my husband received the same diagnosis. Why wait? Is their shame in being different? Nope.

@cprevite I think that’s an interesting theory and I see how it works. I know I never wanted to adopt. I wanted biological children, and so if we had been unable to have biological children, and if we had decided to adopt and had adopted, it would have been a second choice.

Is that bad? I don’t know. I do think it would have been a problem telling the story that way and that it would be possible for a child to infer they weren’t wanted except as a second choice. But I also think you could tell that story differently. Yes, we wanted biological children, but more than we wanted biological children, we wanted to be parents. When things didn’t work out one way, we went the other way because we wanted to be parents.

We love you so much we can’t tell you. We are so grateful you are in our lives. Etc. Etc.

That’s how I’d want to tell the story. I wouldn’t want to say it in a way that would create the impression they were second class children, even if they were option 2.

My kids could feel the same, I suppose. We wanted to conceive them the natural way. We couldn’t so we chose to try technology. Are they second class because of that? I don’t think so. Not in my mind. It’s not that you had to try to have a child in any particular way—natural conception, artificial conception or adoption—it’s that you wanted this child that matters.

I always assumed if I were to adopt that I wouldn’t adopt a little one. Not babies or toddlers, not that there’s anything wrong with those that do.. I just always figured if it came to that, I would adopt an older child. So, under those circumstances they would already know they are adopted. Otherwise, as many said above, I would tell them from the very start.
I don’t have any biological children, I’m a mother by marriage. I have never thought that if I were to have a biological child that I would feel differently toward that child than how I feel about my kids now. Obviously they know that I am not their biological mother, but it has no negative impact on our parent/child relationship… so I can’t imagine not being honest with my (hypothetical) adoptive child from the very start.

@wundayatta: I think you have that exactly right and have a great attitude about it. Sadly the parents I’m referencing always seem to speak longingly of their inability to conceive… “so we ended up adopting”. And again, in front of the child.

Not nearly as thoughtful as your version, I’m afraid. But again, this isn’t every adoptive family I know, but some of them.

I was told as soon as I could understand, I don’t remember not knowing, but I remember telling others when I was about 7–8 it was very positive, they told me I was part of the family because they wanted me in their family. I highly recommend telling as soon as you get them.

As the kid who was adopted by my stepdad, all I can say is that I knew from the minute I could think. Still, it wasn’t something we talked about. I had a daddy and that was good enough for me until I got a good bit older and curiosity started to get the best of me.

I know this isn’t the same as full adoption. Just saying that it is possible to make sure the child knows from the start without making a big, daily deal out of being chosen. I would not want to be reminded of that every day – I would want to feel like we’re just a regular family and regular families don’t talk about how the kids came to be part of the family on a regular basis.

I wanted to adopt but it takes damn to long to show them we are suited to get a kid. And a lot of papers and etc.

Anyway I’d tell them right from the start that he/she is not our own kid [if I was to adopt a really small kid] but explain how things were. Eventually they will understand we love him/her like our own.

From the very begining you make them aware in a very special way… my 2 know they are adopted and they are only 2 and 3 and have known all along I am not their birth mother. My oldest comprehends it now and she knows I adopted her and her sister because I love them both very much. This way when she is older there is no surprises to her and she won’t go through confussion over it. It will always be there without having to be an issue at any point in either of their lives because they know and will always know. I am sure from time to time as they grow there will be different questions that come up but I am prepared to answer them all. I love them and I have tried to prepare for all the different things they will want as they get older including contact with blood family,

@Hibernate Go through the foster care system you have to take the same classes and have to have your home evaluated but it takes alot less time to adopt a child especially if you choose one that is free for adoption (usually an older child) I got mine as babies but there was a lot of risk to them going back and drama inbetween but it was all worth it to give some great girls a good home

My brother and sister-in-law adopted both of their children and like @cprevite were complete open about it from the jump. Also as @cprevite mentioned, they fit into the category of knowing from the day they decided to have children that they would adopt. This seems to be a pretty good method and I am pretty sure I would be open and honest about it from day one. I would also buy this book.

@SpatzieLover two people I know had the experience of finding out their “father” wasn’t their biological father until they were in their early teens. For one it worked out great, she is 18 now and in college, adores the dad who raised her, and has zero interest in meeting bio-dad. For the other things didn’t turn out so well. She rebelled immediately and 30 years later still has a strained relationship with both of her parents. Her mom actually divorced the man she thought was her dad for all those years and married this girls birth father!

I think lying by omission to kids is just plain wrong… They need to know who they are and define themsevles by this and if one day they wake up to find out to find they are not something they thought they were even if it makes no difference to the world at large it makes a huge impact on them.

As soon as they were able to understand the concept. It isn’t something to be ashamed of. To lie to the child (even by omission) would be far worse then telling them they are loved and adopted.

@creative1 I know. But here there are a lot of papers to get and it takes a long time to be able to get a kid adopted [no matter what age is he]. You have to get the same papers for a 2 months kid like for an 17 old one.