What methods have worked for you to get your child to stop talking back?

I totally ignore him, or give a reasonable answer, and go on as if he wasn’t talking back.

Feed him two pieces of bread and a slice of lunchmeat for supper. While the rest of you dine on the normal supper. Tell him you had to do his chores too so you didn’t have time to make him what the rest of you are having.

When the rest of you have pie and ice cream for dessert, give him a piece of fruit.

@WestRiverrat I don’t believe using food for punishment or reward is a good idea.

This may be cop out bad parenting, but what I find works over the long term is by saying, “Okay, you should think about what you are doing. It is fine if you want to be a jerk to me, but think about how your behavior hurts your mother’s feelings. She works her fingers off for you kids and you don’t want to hurt her feelings do you? Think of how tired she must be.”

They usually get very introspective and change their behavior towards everyone in regards to whatever I happened to be correcting.

I’m mean as a snake : ( My 11 yr old is a lot like that. He has always argued with me. I will tell him hard way or easy way, it’s getting done. You decide. I have this paint stick for a 5 gal paint bucket I have never used on any of them and never would, but they think I’m just mean enough I would. Sometimes I’ll count up to 3 and sometimes down from 5. They know when I start counting they better get to movin. Rather that’s good or bad, I don’t know, but it works and I’ve never had to spank them. They are all awesome, respectful and well behaved children.

I like @YARNLADY‘s answer. If you don’t react in any way to his comments, then you aren’t giving him the audience he is wanting.

Oh, man. Been there, done that! The first thing to keep in mind is that it’s probably just a phase, and won’t last forever. That just helps keep your sanity intact.

I’m a big believer in talking to my kids in an honest way. I don’t want them to be afraid of me, or even afraid to “debate” me, if they feel it’s necessary. However, I’m not going to let them be disrespectful or argue over every little thing. It’s just not cool.

Sit your kids down in a non-confrontational moment and tell them that this behavior is really interfering with the ‘team work/family-feeling’ that you’re all trying to achieve. Explain that it must stop. Lay out a plan to make it so. “When I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. From now on, I will give you one chance to respond appropriately. (Give examples of acceptable responses… including a few that explain why it can’t be done at that moment, but in a polite way.) If you start talking back to me, you will go to your room until you have calmed down enough to try again.” (Or whatever method you decide on.)

@YARNLADY if I were denying them a meal, I would agree.

But limiting the choices is not the same. Prisons have gotten great results with the use of prison loaf to encourage compliance.

Here is the recipe if you want to try it.

Special Management Meal
Yield – Three Loaves

• 6 slices whole wheat bread, finely chopped
• 4 ounces imitation cheddar cheese, finely grated
• 4 ounces raw carrots, finely grated
• 12 ounces spinach, canned, drained
• 2 cups dried Great Northern Beans, soaked,
cooked and drained
• 4 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 6 ounces potato flakes, dehydrated
• 6 ounces tomato paste
• 8 ounces powdered skim milk
• 4 ounces raisins

Mix all ingredients in a 12-quart mixing bowl. Make sure all wet items are drained. Mix until stiff, just moist enough to spread. Form three loaves in glazed bread pans. Place loaf pans in the oven on a sheet pan filled with water, to keep the bottom of the loaves from burning. Bake at 325 degrees in a convection oven for approximately 45 minutes. The loaf will start to pull away from the sides of the bread pan when done.

If my daughter is ‘talking back,’ I tell her to “stop talking back.” If she continues, I say “stop.” If she continues again, I take away tv for the night. If she continues, tv goes away for a week. I only went through the whole progression once.

I remember once I was really bothered and really tired.[ tired from work]. And she kept bugging the crap out of me. I said something and she started the usual “why”. I replied “Because I said so”. She started arguing a bit then she asked why do I tell her to do things and stuff. I replied something like “Because I can and because I am a grown up. She stopped arguing and for a very long time she didn’t ask the “dumb” questions. All went smooth from there. We explained a few times before this particular argument that age rings advantages and the older you are the easy will be for her to understand the world around. She understood that because she had younger friends who were always doing crap things and nobody was paying attention. She made the connections really fast since she wanted us to play with her, talk to her, be around her etc.

Like @augustlan, this is just a phase. Your child will grow out of it in time. Not that that helps you to deal with the present. I think both @YARNLADY (ignore the behaviour and don’t feed it by giving it your attention) and @augustlan (sit them down and have a conversation about how their behaviour affects you and a mature discussion about why they should stop this behaviour and how you are going to respond in future) are my choices for how to deal with this. At nine they are old enough to listen and understand. Other than that, time. It will pass.

Be forewarned though… this phase is likely to come again when they get to the teen years. :)

I’d beat them at their own game and use the “Socratic method” on them. You are obviously attempting to get them to do reasonable things, so kick their ass by using logic and the truth to put them in their place. Turn the questions back on them. If you’re having a hard time thinking of how you do this give me an example and I can show you the kinds of responses to make.

Consistency. Call him out on it in a calm manner at eye level. Explain that it isn’t accepted behavior. Explain, without engaging him in an argument, that you won’t listen to that kind of talk and there will be consequences for his behavior. Stick to your word and don’t engage when he exhibits the behavior. Repeat the steps. Call him out, explain it isn’t accepted behavior and you won’t listen to him being disrespectful and there will be consequences…

They pretty much grow out of it… by their 20s. Mostly.

But seriously, at nine years old, the baleful stare was usually enough. That stopped being so effective by their teens, when it turned into threats of not driving them to school (which was just over a mile away anyway, but they can be so damn lazy!) or not letting them use the car over the weekend. I guess that’s a bit early for you now.

Unfortunately the sit down and chat with did not always work on my 11 yr. old (I’ve tried it several times, and still do in certain cases). He simply just likes to argue and has since he started talking. Somedays it’s nothing and somedays it’s everything. Legitimate arguments are discussed and point of views are considered, but when it comes to not wanting to brush teeth before bed (for example), to me, there is no choice in the matter and therefore no argument is warranted. It’s just something that needs to be done, in my opinion and when the same fight is repeated I believe it is more of a power struggle then anything else. He has rights to his opinions but when it comes down to it, I am the parent. I think having three kids is much different then one or even two. All my kids are well behaved but they are kids and they are brothers. They have a tendency to play off each other and poke at each other sometimes. Counting gets their attention without raising my voice. My youngest (the 11yr old) is usually very cooperative and helpful, but he does like to push his brothers and my buttons. He is a very, very smart little man. He will make an excellent lawyer one day ; )

@EnchantingEla if I had a child who wanted to know why they need to brush their teeth, I would explain it’s so his teeth don’t rot out, and his gums don’t get diseased. If he gets cute and tells me that he dosent mind if his teeth rot out. I will explain that you can’t eat solid food with diseased gums and no teeth. If he says that he dosent care about eating solid food, then I would let him not brush his teeth, but put him on a liquid only diet of ensure and vitamins until he decides that eating solid food is better than not having to brush his teeth. I’d leave the decision to him, but by letting them experience a taste of the negative consequences, you can help them make good choices for themselves.

Anytime thereafter if he wants to revisit the tooth-brushing debate we can repeat the liquid diet. I will always let them make the decision, but it should be pretty easy to construct consequences that are much worse than what they’re trying to get out of.

On a more positive note, having children that a. ask lots of questions and b. will speak up if they think something or disagree with something they think makes no sense or is unfair (even if it is annoying to their parents), is not really a bad thing. My father had the philosophy that we could always argue our case if we were in trouble. Given how much we all argued with him I am pretty sure he often wished he could just say ‘shut up’ and take your punishment!

How many children do you have @gorillapaws? It doesn’t really matter. I think there may have been a misunderstanding… I have extreme respect for my children and their feelings. I explain and we discuss numerous things. But alas, I am not perfect. He is not a child who asks why. He is extremely intelligent and knows why. He argues at times for the sake of arguing and to push buttons (we have also talked about this repeatedly). For example, sometimes at bedtime he will say in a whiney voice that he isn’t tired… he knows I don’t like the voice and that going to bed is not open for discussion. He knows this because we have talked about it many times. So I tell him “You know I don’t like it when you talk whiney. Goodnight. I love you.” kiss kiss and I leave the room. 15 minutes later he is out like a light.
I have never nor will I ever use food in any way, shape or form against my children for any reason and I believe telling someone to “shut up” is one of the rudest things you can say.
I have told my children “Because I say so.” though. If that makes me a bad parent, so be it.

Never mind. Forget I said anything.
For what ever reason, my kids are amazing and wonderful human beings.
I am extremely proud of them.
I do the best I can. That’s all I can do.

@EnchantingEla, I am quite sure your children are beautiful, intelligent people and I am sure you have done a wonderful job raising them. Young people are individuals and we all do the best we can. What works for one, won’t work for the next. Which is why it is so good to canvass lots of different ideas and attitudes and opinions.

@EnchantingEla I’m certain you’re an excellent mother, and I’m sorry my comments lead you to believe I was implying you were. That absolutely was not my intent. I was just using your example as a means to illustrate my approach (it’s certainly not the only way to go about it). I wasn’t using food as a weapon, but letting the child safely experience the negative consequences that their actions would produce, to help them come to the right conclusion for himself. The reason parents make rules (like brushing your teeth) are based on preventing negative consequences, I just think one way to parent is to let children see firsthand why those consequences are bad. It’s one thing to tell a child that when they’re older their teeth will fall out, it’s another to make that experience more real for them in the moment (obviously without knocking out their teeth).

With the whiny voice thing, your approach seems to work fine.

Another option would be to to say “Why do you think I don’t like it when you use your whiny voice?” If they get sassy, you can respond: “When you speak in a whiny voice it irritates me, you don’t like irritating me do you? Do you think it’s ok to do mean things to people who love you?” At this point hopefully they will feel bad and apologize, you end with a hugs, kisses and I-love-yous and everything is good. If they keep pushing their luck you can turn it around on them. “You don’t like it when other people annoy you do you? Why not? etc.” If they want to act tough like they don’t care if people annoy them, then you can agree to let them use their whiny voice, but warn them that you get to also annoy them. Proceed to tickle them into submission (I find tickling to be an excellent tactic for subduing unruly children).

For me, the most important goal should be using true explanations, sound logic and valid reasoning to encourage analytical thinking and self-reflection. It’s like the teaching a man to fish vs. giving him a sardine approach. If they learn that your rules are there for their own benefit, I think they will challenge them less, and love you more.

**by “you” I’m speaking generically about any parent. I’m not questioning your skills at all.

Ignoring it can work for ones that are random, but it sets a stage for it being deemed acceptable.
My daughter has gone through similar phases (and still does at 11) and you just have to draw a line on what is acceptable and what is not.
Stating something like, “That is an unnaceptable way to speak to me”, or “When you are ready to talk with respect, let me know” is a better way to ignore the bad feedback and make them think about how they are treating you.
They are picking this type of communication up from somewhere. If drawing a line in the sand doesn’t work, you will need to find out why he thinks it is acceptable by a simple comment of “Where did you learn to talk to people that way” or “Do you think it is ok to speak to your teacher or principal that way?

Stay calm. Don’t over react emotionally. Stick to your guns as hard as it is at times.
Ensure you reward and give positive feedback on good communication or when you see a change for the better.

I hope it is a short lived phase that you can steer the right direction.

My apologies @gorillapaws. I should not have became so defensive.

Please know that I respect your viewpoint and suggestions @gorillapaws. I agree with your overall approach and have tried it. Perhaps I wasn’t thorough enough though and should give it another go. I have taken different approaches (with consistency) to no avail. Except ignoring it. I believe that ignoring it is a silent approval of it, maybe in his case it wouldn’t be. I honestly don’t know..

If this kid is as smart as you say, try turning tables on him. The next time he wants something from you, say, “I don’t want to,” or “I don’t feel like it,” or “Why?” It might work if you are as persistent with him as he is with you, but don’t give in. Later you could have a conversation with him about the topic. How did it feel, etc.

The other thing that occurs to me is get him into counseling.

@EnchantingEla the fault is mine, no need to apologize. In re-reading my response I wasn’t clear at all and I’m sorry my lack of clarity caused your feelings to be hurt. I’m sure I could learn a lot from you about great parenting.

It wasn’t your fault @gorillapaws : ) I seriously need to do some introspection regarding the behavior.

A nine year old child . . . obviously saw such behaviour somwhere else… from TV, friends, online.

I would go with positive reinforcement strategies, that means without any positive results, he will not be provided with his wants. Explain to him how the real world works. His parents go to work to get rewarded with wages and maybe fringe benefits. Without working, there’s no money coming to pay for food, clothing, shelter. The same goes true for him…. without doing the work you assign, no special food, no new clothing and no recreational activities for him.

And stand your ground without getting upset and/or angry… let him know who’s boss around the house (certainly not him)

Shut his bedroom door. The room is no longer his. Take a blanket and two outfits. Put them in the hall and show him what you have to provide him. Explain that you also have to feed him, but not necessarily what he wants.

Then give him the choice. He can continue being disrespectful and sleep in the hall and wear the same clothes every couple of days, or he can choose to be be a cooperative member of the family and earn back the privileges that come with doing so.

End of discussion. No negotiating. Ask him to let you know what he decides, then walk away.

Actually, @Supacase has an excellent point. As I understand it, the law says you have to provide food, shelter, and clothing. It does not specify what that looks like. However, you need to remember that he’s being told by the people at school to report abuse. If you cross him, as manipulative and self centered as he’s being right now, it’s possible he’ll think your attempts to rein him in as abusive, and tell someone at school you are abusing him. Whatever you do, what Supacase suggests, or anything, get someone in your corner to counsel you and to document that you are doing everything in your power to help your child. I have seen this before, and it’s necessary to protect yourself in order to protect your son.

I speak from experience, and I want to encourage you to get moving on this, please!

Please keep us updated. We care!

Oh, definitely! Explain that you want him to have his own room and all of the things in it because you love him and want him to enjoy his childhood, but you don’t have to give them to him if his behavior isn’t deserving. And do more research on it than my short Fluther response, but the overall idea has worked well for those I’ve known to use it.

I remember a friend of mine’s seven year old had dropped her giant 96 crayon box on the floor and then refused to clean it up. She started whining that it wasn’t her fault and she shouldn’t have to pick it up. My friend just said over and over and over—you need to pick up the crayons. Her daughter tried to argue but was just blocked with “You need to pick up the crayons”

After a few minutes, her daughter was sobbing melodramatically as she picked up each crayon one by one chanting “I… can’t… do.. this..” over and over. But eventually, she picked up all the crayons and then the dramatic show was over. She skipped off and started playing as if the crayon torture never happened.

I think you need to grow a thicker skin when your kids get older. Know the snarkiness and the eyerolling and the sass is coming—as it’s developmentally normal. Once it starts just turn into one of those 1950’s scifi robots with no emotion but an amazingly strong drive to get the task done.

If they offer eyerolling and sass when you’re trying to compliment them or have a nice conversation just say “We’re done.” and walk off. If they do something like call you a name or behave really badly just say “Don’t EVER call me or anyone else a name… We’re done” and walk off. Just let it go.