When someone looks too thin do you tell them?

I don’t, because I figure they know. I’ve been there myself and people told me I was too skinny all the time. I was completely aware of it. I was sick and had no control over the weight loss. I might ask after their health, but that’s it.

If they do have anorexia, it’s actually an ego boost to hear that they look too thin.

If she’s in zumba 5 days a week, I think it’s obvious that she’s not anorexic, she wouldn’t have the stamina to keep up. I would work on the way you approach people. You don’t need to tell them what you think they are, you just gotta do more investigating. But to answer, no I don’t tell them, because I’m fat, skinny could imply really jump started metabolism. If they had bags under their eyes and were skin and bones and couldn’t run for 10 minutes straight then we have a problem.

I don’t generally tend to provide opinions or advice directly to people, unless they make the mistake of asking for it.

Then all bet’s are off because I am always honest where and when it is necessary.

@dreamwolf Anorexic, maybe not, but she could be using exercise to purge (many, many people with disordered eating use exercise to purge).

@dreamwolf She could easiy be bulimic or anorexic, just not dead yet.

@augustlan Interesting that too thin might be a compliment to them. They have body dysmorphia usually. Seems like they need to be told they look terrible. When a relative of mine was way too thin, the doctors in the hospital told her so. She was not there for anorexia exactly, she had a combination of health problems, she did eat, but she also didn’t have strong awareness she was near death skinny.

I wouldn’t. I want to take the focus off body image and fatness, not put it back on. I would say something if they were looking sick (like discoloration or something), but not just based on weight alone.

I also sometimes tell people when they are tanorexic.

Just to clarify: I don’t disagree that I probably am not following the social niceties expected, that some people might find it rude, I just wondered if others do it.

@Aethelflaed She looks sick, she looks like she came out of a concentration camp.

@JLeslie In that case, I might say “Are you ok? You look like you’re under the weather”. But I guess, if it was to the point where I was really worried, I’d sit them down and have A Conversation, not just make an off-handed remark and see if it sticks.

@Aethelflaed She doesn’t look under the weather, but I did ask her if she is ok, as I said in the details. I don’t know her well enough in this particular case to sit her down. I know it is not my job or place to tell her she is losing too much weight, but at the same time, I think people are less likely to listen to family or maybe even friends about this sort of thing. It is kind of hard to ignore when strangers tell you you look bad. I think? Isn’t that part of their gig, they are listening to the outside pressures of what thin and pretty is? I know it is much more than that, it can be a need for control, and many other tpmessages in their head.

@Aethelflaed If she really looked under the weather I would not have said anything.

@JLeslie I don’t know. I mean, yes, but… Soooooo much of disordered eating is having weird logic, so even though there are some types of weird logic that you see popping up over and over again in people with disordered eating, you can’t really know which logic any one person is using until you get to know them better. So you can’t really approach it with a rational argument. Like, maybe someone will hear it as “you look thin, and not in a pretty way”, but they might also hear it as like when women say “You’re too thin”, and it really means “You’re too thin, can’t you beef up a bit so I won’t look so shlumpy”. Or when men say “You’re too thin” and it means “God, it’d be a pain in the ass dating your high-maintenance ass, but damn you look hot being that thin”. And, if they use eating (or a lack thereof) as a way to control things, then saying something could send them into a panic, and they’d just fall back on those unhealthy habits in order to deal with the emotional fall-out.

@Aethelflaed “You’re too thin”, and it really means “You’re too thin, can’t you beef up a bit so I won’t look so shlumpy”. Or when men say “You’re too thin” and it means “God, it’d be a pain in the ass dating your high-maintenance ass, but damn you look hot being that thin”.

None of those ever occurred to me. I have to agree with you that people will hear or twist things to suit their own perceptions, desires, and even neurosis.

Do people actually tell thin people to gain weight because they feel shlumpy themselves? Or, is that just what the skinny person says in their head when they hear it? I would never even think of such a thing, I can’t get over that one. To envy or admire someone who looks great because they are thin and beautiful is completely different than someone who looks like death on a cracker skinny.

@JLeslie I doubt most people would, but in a world where we have people like Ted Bundy and Bernie Madoff, I doubt no people are doing it. But, I do think that women on shows like Gossip Girl and Sex and the City do it. Or women in yogurt commercials. So it’s not hard for me to see how a woman who had some disordered eating would think more along the lines of what ad execs selling stuff say women think than what actual women think.

I would just ask how they were doing and leave it at that. If it was someone close to me I would inquire more closely and hope I could help. Saying that someone is too fat or too thin could be very offensive.

@Aethelflaed On Sex in the City they would comment a girl looks anorexic because they feel shlumpy? I can’t remember that happening. Seems so un NY to me. Maybe banter about someone looking fabulous and the girls commenting how it makes other women have to keep up, compete or something? But, again, thin and gorgeous is completely different than anorexic and looking extremely skinny. But, probably not in the mind of the anorexic, if that is what you are trying to say. If you are ony looking at it from the anorexics point of view?

@flutherother I would never tell someone they are too fat.

@JLeslie The SATC women always seemed really catty to me. But, yeah, I was trying to speak more from the disordered eating point of view.

@Aethelflaed They had some cattyness for sure. But, NY usually loves beautiful people. Think Barbra Streisand, “hello gorgeous.” Probably my friends and I sound catty sometimes, but we would never even ever think to tell someone they look bad because we had some sort of jealousy. I would not even really be jealous, more just admiring her, and wishing I could get my own act together better.

I tell people they are beautiful all the time, the same way I told that woman she is too skinny. Maybe that’s the deal with me, I tend to tell people stuff in general if I think it might help them. But, see I would never tell someone they are too fat. I figure they know, and it seems completely unnacceptible socially to say something to an overweight person in my mind, and very mean.

I don’t for the simple reason that I often get people questioning my eating habits because they think I am “too thin”. I suppose the difference here is, I have always been thin whereas you know this woman hasn’t. I don’t know what I would have done in your situation but I work in a sporting enviroment and I know that the gym instructors at my work do mention it to people if they feel they are becoming excercise obsessed and losing serious amounts of weight when they don’t need to or too quickly. They do it to watch their backs just in case someone’s health is badly affected by their constant gym sessions and they then try and sue the company for not warning them!

@JLeslie Yeah, but I didn’t see SATC as a well-rounded, thorough view of NYC culture. I thought a lot of the cattiness went beyond just witticisms. And I thought “The Nanny” was a much better example for how one could be catty and still be a true pal. But I digress.

I guess I just think that the disordered eating often comes from the viewpoint that looks are everything, and it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and that’s what drives many of these people to obsess so much about every calorie and every pound and every wrinkle. So would someone who already thinks that looks and weight are such a cut-throat race really hear these words coming from such good intentions?

@Leanne1986 Exactly, the loss of weight does have a lot to do with it.

@Aethelflaed I agree The Nanny is a better example. And, of course I agree the anorexic might spin the words in her head. Maybe if it comes from someone they think is thin an beautiful they might be more likely to hear it more accurately? Not sure. I’m ten pounds overweight, so she could easily have dismissed my comment just based on that I guess. But, in this case we actually had a conversation. As I said she actually mentioned that she had not realized at first how thin she was getting. I told her I understood; that the mirror lies. I don’t realize how big I look when I start packing on some pounds until I see a photo of myself. I think part of the reason is there are so many big people everywhere. I think she is not really off the deep end anorexic, I think she just has a tendency maybe.

No I don’t. It’s their life. If someone is fat and you tell him he’s fast it’s an insult. Look as being to thin the same way.

Sometimes I do this indirectly by talking about myself. Like eating plenty to take good care of my body and mind. And like not eating too much to take good care of my body and mind as well.

No, I am extremely thin myself and I hate when people assume I must be anorexic. When I see extreme skinniness in another person I give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe something else is going on, as I would like them to do for me.

I’m not meaning to criticize what you did, @JLeslie. It’s very kind that you were concerned, annd it sounds like maybe your intuition was correct in this case, but for me personally I just don’t like having my weight talked about, just as an overweight person wouldn’t.

@Mariah I doubt I would say something to you, because you simply are very thin. You would have been thin from the day I met you. Plus you have ahd health issues. But, I’ll keep in mind what you said. This other woman has lost 30 pounds, went from maybe needing to lose 10 to way under weight.

There is a zumba teacher in my gym who was noticibly losing weight, and when she got to a little skinnier than I think she looks best at I said to her, “wow, you look great. Don’t lose any more weight you look perfect.” She did lose another 5 or so and she know looks at least 5 years older, but I am not worried she is anorexic.

I tend to be thin because I eat correctly and work out. I prefer being thin to being overweight Often people say things out of jealousy. I only tell people I am close with if they get too thin.
Sadly we live in a society in which over weight and out of shape is the new normal. I try not to be mean. I help when I am asked too.
I do sometimes offer advice. My husband constantly tells me not to tell people the facts. He says I am too friendly and honest. In most cases people are receptive and friendly to me. I do not offer strangers any advice unless they ask or make uncalled for comments.
I enjoyed going to the new Trader Joe’s yesterday. I do not eat chemical food and I keep my Metabolism functioning well by eating whole food.

If it were family or friend someone I knew very well then yes but not acquaintances, I don’t know what’s going on in their lives & not really any of my business either……. :-/

@JLeslie While it’s true that I’ve always been thin, my weight does fluctuate and I go between a little too thin to scary skinny when I’m sick. I’ve been known to drop 20 pounds when sick and I’m sure I look like the classic anorexia sufferer, but of course if you know me you know that isn’t the case. What I take issue with is people who don’t know my situation assuming I’m anorexic. Of course, you won’t see me in the gym when I’m that far down on my weight, so, as you already said, the fact that that woman was still exercising does seem to be an indication that she’s not physically ill.

Before my surgeries I was as heavy as I’ve ever been (as pictured in my avatar) and was at the gym three times a week. A sweet elderly man approached me one time and told me, “I hope you’re not here trying to lose weight,” and I assured him I was just trying to build some muscle. I thought his concern was kind, but at the same time it’s just kind of depressing to hear that I look unhealthy and to have people think I might be starving myself when really I’m trying as hard as I possibly can to gain weight.

No, if someone is too fat or skinny, I assume they already know.

@Mariah That man at the gym might have been giving you a compliment. That you already look great.

I understand that people who struggle with their weight don’t want to field comments about their weight.

Thanks for your answer. And everyone’s answer for that matter. I hope we get more.

@JLeslie
I had people at the gym say why are you hear? That of course is only because they have no clue what being fit is? They are ignorant.
After my car accident, I spent days at the gym getting myself back in shape. It was a painful struggle. I became good friends with one of the Trainers. One day he was helping a new over weight young girl. She said, why are you hear? Your so thin? I said, I am here to stay in shape and I like being thin. By that time I was very fit and it showed. I had Muscle Tone.
Brain the Trainer looked at me. I knew he was saying please don’t be mean. I had No intension of being cruel. I would however have like to say don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.
Some people do not comprehend that everyone thin, fat or skinny should be given the respect they want from others. If you make personal unasked comments about a strangers appearance than you risk them doing the same to you. Isn’t that fair?
I work out all the time I am thin,fit and toned.

I too agree that one never gives unasked-for advice or makes gratuitous critical comments on someone’s appearance. NOYB, in spite of your good intentions.

However, if you have an immediate family member who is in harm’s way, (drugs, alcohol, obesity, emotional or clinical problems) you can certainly try.

No I don’t. I do agree with the lady when she said it takes awhile to adjust your eyes to a new reality about of your body and bodies don’t exactly stop when you want them too. Anyone who’s gained weight knows that part but I think it works when the body is dropping too, it has for me to where I knew I was too thin but had to wait until my body stopped fluctuating.

@philosopher Why are you here you’re so thin, is totally different than you are too thin. And, I competely disagree about the jealousy. If they are jealous and horrible they would tease or bully. Telling someone they look good already is not bullying, which is basically what that overweight girl was telling you. That overweight girl just doesn’t understand about fitness. If you take it as her being critical of your weight I think that is in your head in the circustance not hers.

@JLeslie
I make an effort not to be judgmental. Despite that I think all humans are to some degree.
I did not say anything to her. Until she made that foolish remark. I even allowed her the machines which interupted my work out. Her remark was out of place and uncalled for. She was lucky she said, it to me because I let it go. I do not enjoy hurting people.
Many other people at that gym were so caty and vain they would have reduced her to tears. Anyone who actually comprehends what fitness is knows that staying fit requires on going exercise. Fit people are toned and may appear thin. A Fit body is tight. A fit body has muscle that shows most when they are in use.

What is zumba?

No…no more than I’d tell a fat person I don’t know that they’re fat. A friend..perhaps. But not a casual acquaintance
@philosopher…there is a difference in the tone of a person’s skin when they’re in shape, vs. just thin.

@philosopher I have to say I really don’t understand your answer. Judgmental about what? How did she hurt you? Maybe it was in her tone, and so I am not aware why her remark is upsetting.

Fit and thin is totally different than emaciated or extremely skinny.

I get the impression maybe you are a little obsessed with fitness. Defensive. Maybe others have accused you of being a little extreme so you hear every comment as a criticism. I know I could be completely off base, I am not assuming.

I have a friend who was beautiful, her body was “fit” in my opinion. She was active and thin. Then she started working out with a trainer, at first it was ok, she developed some more muscle tone, and lost some body fat. Then she got more serious, decided to compete in body building. My husband calls her a man now, which I hate that he says that. She has gone way too far, probably is unhealthy. I met her trainer and he said his cholesterol numbers are horrific, his doctor keeps warning him.

@JLeslie
I was never competitive when I worked out at the gym but many are. Working out is a Subzero Sport. This Teenager was wining at me. In a nasty tone. I think you had to be there.
I have several friends who got into Bench Pressing. They bulk up and that is not my preference. Even when I was younger I had good Muscle Tone. Not bulk.
I am very comfortable working out at home or the gym. I have my own equipment. I have No need to prove anything to other people.
I can still touch my tones without bending my needs and I am still limber. Despite that I have Nerve Damage to my back from an accident. That is what matters to me.
I eat right and I often hear stupid remarks about my prefences. From the same people who constantly ask why I am thin. On a bad day I confess I might say because I don’t eat the garbage you do. More often I ignore these people.

@Dutchess_III
Yes you are correct.

Sometimes I see this woman jogging on campus, and she looks like a skeleton. It’s frightening. I wouldn’t say something myself to a stranger, but I hope she has friends and family looking out for her.

I have told friends when I thought they were going overboard.

@philosopher People constantly ask why Am I thin. What are they askig exactly. I am so confused by your wording, I am afraid I am misinterpreting. Thin to me is a positive comment. If someone asked me that I would tell them I exercise and also what I eat.

When I was 7 years old and in ballet I couldn’t touch my toes with straight legs together. I have never been very limber no matter how hard I try. Just not built that way. But, I guess that is your normal, so I can see why maintaining it matters to you. But, it wouldn’t mean you are working harder than I am at the gym. Of course the more limber the better, there I would agree,

I guess since you often here comments I was sort of right, your eating habits are constantly under attack, and you seem to get a lot of comments about your weight, so I can understand why it bothers you.

When someone tells me I am thin I say thank you, but they are usually saying it in a complementary way. When I know I have gained some weight, like where I am at right now, I say, “thanks, but I am trying to lose a little actually.” Or, something like that. In the back of my minds when I know I am a little heavy I either think they are just being nice, or they are a little warped by how heavy so many people are where I live.

@Dutchess_III Zumba is a class that is many different types of dance like salsa, boliwood (sp?) belly, hip hop, kind of in an aerobics class like format. It’s fun. I like to dance and I like the music.

@JLeslie
I go out of my way to be tactful. If I can others can too.
People over forty are not usually fit or thin by accident. It requires hard work for us all. We should not be ridiculed because others are not willing to do the work.
I don’t preach to people. Occasionally I might say why certain things are really bad or tell them what taste great and; is good for them. I never label people unless they label me. I don’t understand why some people must.
I reiterate you would have had to hear the tone to understand. I still can laugh about it because; if she had said it to many others she would have been reduced to tears.
Gyms are a place filled with women who spend their day looking in the Mirror. LOL I was never one of those.

I would not tell someone what I thought about their weight unless they asked.

I have a friend who is just naturally skin and bones. She eats like a pig, she does a regular amount of exercise, but she looks like she’s malnourished. She went to the doctor and was told that she’s very healthy, but she still gets comments from people about being too thin, being anorexic, etc. It wears on her self-esteem.

I don’t know why people are the weight that they are, and that’s why I don’t comment. It could be beyond their control, or they might be very happy as they are. It’s not really up to me to tell them that I think they should be different.

No. If I were really good friends with them for awhile and noticed a sudden drop in weight I might mention it if I were concerned that they might be sick, but in general I would not bring it up because chances are they already know. I’d never say to someone “hey, you’ve put on a lot of weight…are you alright?” so I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking the opposite either.

@JLeslie Yes. Often @philosopher‘s wording is a bit confusing…..

Just make them delicious food, and cry if they don’t eat it. ;)

I HATE it when that happens @AshLeigh !

No. Only if they’re close friends of mine.

@Dutchess_III, that’s what I did to my sister, when she was anorexic. O.o
She was mad, but it worked!

@Dutchess_III
All we can do is try not to be insensitive to other peoples feelings.
LOL the Doctors show were discussing if, there should be an anti ugly Discrimination Law? On todays show.
I was a chubby young kid and since twelve I have been skinny. I use common sense and proper Nutrition as my guide.
I make an effort to treat others as I wish to be treated. Does this make sense to everyone?
Leslie I hope you understand.
I think Yoga Postures helped me stay Limber.
Happy Monday.

@philosopher I try to live by the golden rule. Once, when I was in high school a friend, not a close friend, just someone in my class, realized how skinny I had become, and said to me something along the lines of, “you’re too thin, what happened?” She made me realize I was getting very thin. I was going through a hard time and it was affecting my appetite. I had not purposely been trying to lose weight, it was a biproduct of my emotional state. Her statement did not upset me, it made me aware of what was really going on with my body.

From your answers I have no idea how skinny you really are of course, but if people comment negatively all the time I am assuming you are pretty skinny, unless you are simply surrounded by a community that tends to think overweight is normal, which is quite common across the US actually. People worry about your health probably. Skinny can be very dangerous when it is taken to an extreme. You say you were heavy when you were a kid. Most people I know who make that statement are very affected by feeling like a fat kid. My husband feels he was a fat kid, which he wasn’t, I have seen the photos, and he picks apart his body too much in my opinion, focuses on the one little spot there is a a little fat, even though overall he looks fantastic.

I don’t. If they want to be skinny, they’re going to get skinny. Whether or not they see that they are, in fact, thin. People have different definitions of skinny.

I don’t think really heavy people, or really skinny people (if they’re that way on purpose) really see themselves when they look in a mirror. My sister loses weight (not that she’s heavy to begin with) for every important occasion. I don’t think she realizes that she looks like a cancer victim, with bones jutting out everywhere.