I often don't wear my engagement ring out of fear of being judged ? Is that weird ?

Well, you see…having the kind of ring you have is the whole point in the whole ‘we obsess over engagements rings like they mean something’ thing we do in our society..it’s part and parcel…I suppose you can wear it on the other hand or on a necklace or whatever but, again, if you don’t like the engagement ring obsession, don’t have an engagement ring…

Swap it out for a small, teeny, flawed ring. Problem solved.

Have you been married long? People are generally attracted to things they think are attractive and obviously your ring is. Where I work, I see a lot of bigger than average engagement/wedding sets and few people comment on the ones that are gaudy or awkward looking. Keep in mind, some people wear their engagement rings with their wedding bands on special occasions or when going out somewhere fancy, you could do that and not worry anymore about casual gawking.

It’s your ring, it represents your engagement and how much worse is it that you DON’T wear it because other people make you feel uncomfortable about it than it is if you do wear it and take some guff for it from ignorant idiots?

You need to have a don’t touch me rule and wear your damn ring.

Make a T-Shirt… Please don’t touch me, or… Hands off the damn ring

I would!

People make me so mad sometimes… Be proud of your marriage, your jewelry and the fact that if it is the size of the rock of gibralter and you need to hire someone to walk it around in a wheel barrow… It is YOUR perrogative your right and it is your life.

If you like your ring, make peace with it ans wear it proudly. If someone grabs your hand, say “ouch” and pull your hand back. If they comment on your ring, say “Yes. it’s lovely, isn’t it? Then change the subject.

If you love it and it means something to you, don’t worry about the assumptions – right or wrong – that other people make. It’s for you, not for them. If they say something out of line, you can give what you deem a proper response. You shouldn’t have to punish yourself for their rudeness.

I don’t think it’s weird. You want to be comfortable out there in the world, and if the way people behave when they see your ring makes you uncomfortable, then do what you need to in order to feel comfortable.

You could wear it just to prove a point, but why? If you aren’t enjoying your ring because of the way others respond to it, you’re not going to change things by keeping on wearing it. I don’t think there’s any shame in taking it off unless you are in a place where people accept it. You only get one life. Do what you need to to save yourself some angst.

It’s a symbol for one of life’s greatest occurrences. Wear it proudly.

If it makes you that uncomfortable, and you’re unable to ignore the remarks and whatnot, maybe wear the ring on a necklace, or just don’t wear it.

I think the best option though is to just ignore the oogling and get on with your day.

Seriously, get a mink coat and wear it everywhere, you know….mink, as in dead animal fur. With that engagement ring, and a pair of Manolo Blahnik pumps. That’ll shut em up.

You have the wedding band and that’s plenty. You have every reason to wear that proudly.
I think not always wearing the engagement ring is a good solution.
Wear your engagement ring for your anniversary and whenever you’d feel safe and comfortable being flashy.

It is not about overcoming- it is about comfort and convenience.

I totally know how you feel. I have an engagement ring that, at this momentl, lays in a drawer in my art studio because it does not fit into my life right now. Do not get me wrong. It is a beautiful statement of love from my husband. But it is, like the most romantic of gifts, a personal and private expression of a love so deep it defies words.

Since becoming engaged I have removed it many times and stored it. After the birth of our first child until the youngest was 4 years old because of how easily a tired mother could accidentally scratch a babies sensitive skin. For trips to regions where poverty is abundant because it was a pagan tribute to love in a world where just going to bed without hunger was a luxury.

I removed it again when I took in my mother who has stage four cancer because it was likely to scratch during bedpan switches.

Your ring is not WHO you are. It is a private love letter from your husband. If you wish to store it then do so without guilt. When you choose to wear it, understand that those who admire it do so because they know that it was inspired by love.

I am sure your husband bought you the ring with love. He wanted to show you he loves you. What seems like a big ring to some, might seem like a not so big ring to others. If you love it, wear it. It is only an issue if you let it be an issue.

Just curious, previously did you judge people as materialistic or ostentatious? And, now you find yourself in the very position you used to criticize?

I know what you mean by not wanting attention. I feel that way when people ask me why I am so dressed up, if I bother to put on some make up and nicer clothing when they usually see me looking like a shlub. I feel like it is no big deal, it just depends on the situation whether I bother to pull myself together or not.

About the rings more specifically though, leaving out the possibility of feeling like someone is going to mug me because they admire my ring, I don’t mind at all when someone compliments me on my ring. But, I don’t like it when people get all gooey about engagement rings. Like when people demand to see the ring when they know you just got engaged. Now that I am old, it never feels like the attention given to a ring I might be wearing has to do with someone trying to see my “engagement” ring.

The only time I am uncomfortable is when the ring I am wearing seems too big and dressy for the circumstance I am in, but it has nothing to do with if someone notices it or comments, but everything to do with me feeling that way to begin with. For me, it is all about dressing comfortably for me in any particular situation.

I have several rings at this point, there are four I wear regularly on my ring finger, just depending what I am wearing and where I am going, and that has been very comfortable for me. My husband does the same. He changes his ring and watch depending on the circumstance. Two of the 4 are very inexpensive, and two are diamond rings, not so inexpensive, one yellow gold, one platinum.

I have a nice, flashy men’s diamond ring, but I don’t wear it to work because wearing something like that doesn’t convey a “professional image”, and my job requires that I look professional and on the “conservative side”. I kind of know what you mean. To wear my big flashy men’s diamond ring, it kind of gives me the feeling of “showing off”, when I’m actually not. I just want to enjoy it for myself. For my own pleasure. Still, I never wear it at work, because I don’t want people to think that I’m showing off when I’m not——to them, it’s unprofessional of me to show off. I do put it on when I go out on the town, or when I’m vacationing. I wish people would see the ring as a sign of how successful I am and how hard I’ve worked to become successful, and not that I’m showing off or being vain. I think I deserve to enjoy the fruits of my labor, and so should you (in your case, the pride and luck of your engagement).

Just tell them it is a CZ then they will feel better.

@MRSHINYSHOES Even harder for men, because in America men don’t wear diamonds much. My husband has a diamond that I want him to put into a new setting and start wearing. I feel like he should wear his nice things, the diamond was a gift from his father. He also would never wear it to work, and I agree he shouldn’t, although he does have a ring that has a smaller diamond he wears to work.

My husband often makes statements like the one you made, that the material things he has represents to him his hard work and success, I found that very interesting when I read your comment. Do you feel that has anything to do with your cultural background?

A ring like you describe requires confidence. If you feel it is the ring for you, then wear it and stop obsessing about what other people think. You said you chose it? Did you consider what other people would think about it at that time or did you look for something you like that suits your style? Think about that when you consider not wearing your ring because of what other people might think.

@JLeslie No, my cultural background doesn’t impact on how I feel about wearing my ring. In fact, among Asians, especially Chinese, the wearing of jewelry is quite acceptable, a lot of Asian people wear it at work, in public, etc., irregardless of their position or gender. You see a lot of Asian guys with big jades and 24K gold necklaces and rings on their person——they wear it proudly, but they also like to show off, and in Asia people aren’t afraid to show off. It’s a sign of success, like when people in Hong Kong drive their Jaguars, Porsches, and Rolls Royces and park them on every street. People here in the West seem uncomfortable about flaunting their wealth, as if afraid of offending others with their “indiscreetness”. Not so in Asia. People over there don’t take it the same way. Here we seem to have an unwritten code of conduct that says we shouldn’t do that.

@MRSHINYSHOES That is actually what I meant, that in Asia wearing those things mean success. Of course in soem parts of the US we see it more than others. my husband is Mexican, Mexicans love to wear labels, and jewelery, and drive expensive cars. My husband is somewhere in the middle, not too extreme, but he is very aware of conforming at work, although he drives his Porsche to work, which I find a little uncomfortable driving everywhere in town in a Porsche. And, he very much relates what he can afford with success and pride, and having the money is not enough, he has to materialize it into things.

@JLeslie What I meant is that no, my Asian background doesn’t affect me because I’m used to how it’s perceived in Asia, but here in America, and growing up in America, it does.

Judged? That’s a goofy comment.

@JLeslie …. he drives his Porsche to work, which I find a little uncomfortable driving everywhere in town in a Porsche. We can’t take none of it with us, so might as well enjoy it to the hilt while we are here. One day I will be able to afford that Lamborghini and people will think it was growing from my arse because 80% of the time they see me driving anything, it will be that car. I don’t care if I am getting T-paper at Walmart I will be in it.

@Hypocrisy_Central I should have clarified. When we lived in Boca Raton, FL it would have been a non-issue. He works in downtown Memphis. I think it is unsafe to drive that car. He is probably 1 of maybe 3 people driving a car with such status in any given day down where he works, if that. I don’t know if I ecer seen a another porsche downtown when I am down there. I once had this discussion with his family, and his sister, similar to you, said she is not going to let the outside world affect what she drives or wears, not out of fear. I just flatly disagree with her. Secondary to that is I tend to not want to stand out as overjewelled or flaunting what I can afford just because I can. It can be rude even, depending on the circumstance. But, I find many people from Mexico, where my husband’s family is from, love it, they love to suck the attention out of a room and show their pretty things. And, maybe since there is so much poverty in the country, they don’t filter being a have while others are have nots, to them maybe it is more par for the course; while I want poor people to have a chance at a better life, not to lord over them that I have much more money. Not sure. I am just guessing at the psychology behind it.

I do see your point that if it is something you love, like the Lamborghini, and have always wanted, then that’s what you will be driving. Most people I know with expensive cars like that have other cars too. At one point we had three Porsches. I just think one could have been a Honda, when we needed it. We actually finally bought a volkswagen, and my husband usually drives it to work. I’m glad. And, now we can drive places without him being obsessed something might happen to the car. Before leaving one of our cars at the airport was a huge deal. I would rather have an average car and not have the stress of standing out or something happening and it will cost me a small fortune to fix.

@JLeslie I once had this discussion with his family, and his sister, similar to you, said she is not going to let the outside world affect what she drives or wears, not out of fear. Even if I had a nice lesser value car I would still be just as mindful of being car jacked. Someone might be on the run trying to get away, or they just want to car to chop up. If I had a Porsche, Ferrari, Lamborghini, etc it would be LoJack to the hilt. I will hand the eyes over and think under my breath, ”You better strip it quick you SOB, because the clock is ticking”.

Secondary to that is I tend to not want to stand out as overjewelled or flaunting what I can afford just because I can. It can be rude even, depending on the circumstance. I would not call it flaunting, unless he went to the gas station and told those pumping near him, ”My ride cost as much as 4 of those”. Or ”I use to drive crap like that, but now that I am behind the wheel of a Porsche; I can never go back to driving junk like that”. If you have something because you want it and not putting down others who can’t afford or don’t have one, I would not rise that to the level of flaunting.

Before leaving one of our cars at the airport was a huge deal. If you have no car to spare or money to repair any car you leave at the airport, or any place else for an extended period of time would be stressful. If all you had was a beater to get to and from work, if you had to leave it somewhere for more than 8 hours I am sure you would worry. ;-)

I get what you mean! After my husband passed I wear my ring. I started wearing it on the other hand so ppl don’t ask questions. Some lady grabbed my hand and said wow you must be with a great guy.
:/
Some guy also asked me while I was at my friends wedding reception, “So where is your husband?”
So it’s just easier to put it on the other hand now. I only wear it on my left hand when I’m with ppl who know my situation.

@Hypocrisy_Central I’m thinking those high end cars might be less likely to be car jacked, especially where I live. Your answer seems typical male to me, not worried about being physically harmed, but worrying about the car being stolen. Although, my example was about a woan, my SIL, but she seems to be one of those women who likes to believe nothing bad can happen, most women don’t think like that.

@Meego The hand it is on makes no difference to me. I understand in America, and other countries the engagement and wedding band are traditionally on the left, but I know people who wear their engagement ring on the right.

@JLeslie

Well then that wouldn’t help you! lol
I’m not sure then what I would do, I spend most of my time in the ‘avoidance’ area rather than working on what to do about others ideas. sorry

@Meego When you have it on your right do people assume you are single? Is it a band? A typical looking engagement ring?

@JLeslie

~it is a princess cut very similar to this engagement ring also with a full diamond band.

I’m sure people believe I’m not married. The only other thing I can think, and my friend does this, is wear the set on a necklace. my friend does this for work

@Meego I’m sure they believe you if you tell them. Or, are you saying they assume you are not married because it is on your right hand? If you don’t care about anyone assuming you might be married then I think you can wear it on whichever hand you want. I would have to resize all my rings a little bit to wear them on my right hand, my right is bigger. I would continue to wear my rings I think I love my rings. The most engagement looking of all my rings is my great grandmothers engagement ring, I would always wear it when I felt like it, married or not.

Sorry for your loss. I think I once saw on another Q your husband had passed away fairly recently? I don’t think you should worry about any rules regarding rings or anything else.

Meanwhile, men flirt with me, ring or not. Maybe the real pick-up artists stay away.

Thank you @JLeslie your words mean a lot. :)
Sucks that your hands are different sizes. Sometimes it’s nice to be flirted with I think, makes you still feel like you’ve got it ;)

My husband passed nov 20 of 09. It is recent. I came by Fluther while I googled a question about losing my husband. Fluther has been my therapy class :)) I think my husband had a hand in that.