Ok so we’ve determined that he is your teacher. So that means that you only have a quarter or a semester that you have to spend with him. After that, you’ll be in a different class.
Are you in High School or College?
You need to sit down with yourself and have a real heart to heart conversation with yourself, just as if one of us was sitting across from you. It doesn’t really matter that you love him or have a crush on him, because your feelings are real, but because you know that he’s not available to you, you cannot keep on pretending in your mind that somehow that situation will change in the future (and yes, someone might come on her and tell you some anecdotal story about how they ended up marrying their married teacher).
We are going to decide right here and now that this man is not a potential lover/husband/boyfriend/mate for you. He’s only your teacher and the fact that he is nice and supportive is because he is trying to be a good teacher. I think most people have had a crush on a teacher at least once in their life. I had a mad little secret crush going on for my college music history teacher. Luckily, I loved the subject and realized that I had to put my energy into doing well in the class rather than mooning over him. You have to make that decision too.
What I mean by making that decision, is that you can’t force yourself not to have feelings for any particular person, but you can actively choose to act differently around him (and even when you’re not around him)
If this is really getting out of hand, I would suggest seeking out some short term therapy with a good therapist. That person can give you the exercises and mental tools you need to help pull yourself out of the rut and move forward. There was another Jelly on this site that went through a very painful situation with a teacher, you can read some of the
Aftermath of That Situation. You really want to avoid allowing yourself to get in so deep that you elevate this man (and he is only a man, not your soul mate, not a king, not some specail person sent from God, he’s just a teacher trying to do a good job) to some kind of Superman status. If you allow yourself to elevate him to an un-natural status, you will simply make it harder on yourself, and you might move into the position of putting him in harm’s way (by stalking him, or making him feel uncomfortable, or putting his teaching position in jeopardy if you make this sticky for him).
Right now, sit down and think about the fact that he is married. It doesn’t matter what you think about his wife, but understand that he chose his wife, he most likely loves her very much and he has a life with her. Now try to imagine what she would think and how she would feel if she knew that some random young lady spent most of her time swooning over him and dreaming about him, and possibly plotting to come between her and her husband. Now imagine if that situation was happening to you. Everytime you start thinking about him in a romantic way, RECALL THIS SITUATION and try to think about how silly it is and how much potential damage you could cause.
Now, the next thing you need to do is come up with some alternatives as to what you are going to do, whenever you feel yourself overcome with passion for this guy. If you are in class (and you have a choice of where to sit) move away from him, don’t sit so close. Get out your notebook and simply do your work, whether that’s to take notes, or read your book or do your project, or discuss the work with your classmates. Do whatever you are supposed to be doing in class. If you catch yourself pining away for him, recognize that that is what you are doing and stop yourself, even if you have to snap a rubber band on your wrist to get your own attention.
When you leave the class, if you start thinking about him, again wake yourself up and actively decide that you are going to do something else. Whether that’s go to your next class, pull out your notes to study, read your textbooks or whatever. Do not even allow yourself for one second to sit there and ponder your passion about this man, if you do, the seconds will turn into hours and days. If you have to write out a schedule for yourself, do that. If you have to confide in a friend to come and get you and drag you out of your thouhgt process, do that. If you have to leave campus and go home, do that. But have a whole bunch of other activities that you will do instead of thinking about or pining for this guy. You will literally have to train your brain to do something else.
And be active. If you sit down by yourself, and you are not doing your school work assignments, that is one of the times when you will be most vulnerable. So just don’t do it. Get up, go somewhere, check your schedule, call someone, text someone (but don’t talk about this guy) go to the gym, go for a run, go for a speed walk, play handball, go for a swim.
Also, let your good female friends (or helpful gay guy friends LOL) know your situation and employ them to keep you occupied and take you to events and coffee shops and study groups and to introduce you to nice suitable guys. And never allow yourself to compare any new fellows to teacher. Because they really are apples and oranges. One is completely un-available (so it doesn’t matter how nifty you think he is) any other potential dates need to stand on their own merits, and you need to learn now, while you’re still young, that good guys come in all sorts of different packages, some may not seem like Knights in Shining Armor when you first meet them, but if you give them a chance and you look for their good qualities, you’ll find them (or reject them if they’re douchey). But just don’t ever try to compare a potential date with teacher, because you will reject every decent guy that comes down the pike. That’s not fair to them or to you.
Plus you don’t want to become one of those women who spends her whole life pining away for a guy who doesn’t really exist. What I mean by that is, this teacher of yours doesn’t exist for you. And don’t buy into your own little “What If” scenarios. If you constantly ask questions like, “What if his wife dies?” or “What if he realizes that he loves me, not her?” or “What if he can’t divorce his wife, but he needs me to give him love?” You’re just setting yourself up for more and more heartbreak, and you might allow yourself to step over the line with Teacher, which could potentially embarrass him and then he will have to be the one to put a stop to it. That kind of thinking also puts you into a deeper, darker hole with regards to every potential good-guy who might become a mate for you, because no one can compete with a “fantasy”. Even if they wanted to, which no one does, because it’s a big fat waste of time. There’s plenty of of available women to date that don’t drag along this pile of baggage.
So in short, come up with a concrete plan, on you are going to ditch the baggage, and short circuit your actions on a minute by minute, day to day plan. Decide today, what you are going to do instead of pining away for Teacher. Make a list, post it on your fridge or vanity mirror. Get a rubber band and put it on your wrist. Give it a snap! Then keep snapping it everytime you think about him, and picture yourself a year down the line not crushing on him anymore, but merely looking back upon him as a decent teacher.
When you get to be a lot older, and you’ve had a couple of decent (or crappy) relationships under your belt, and you finally find someone who is a decent guy, you can look back and laugh and say to yourself, “That Teacher sure was a cutie pie, but I’m glad I didn’t interfere with his life. Now he has 2 great kids and a grandchild on the way, and his wife turned out to be a really neat lady too.” And then you can shout down the hall, “Hey honey do you want lasagna or pot roast for dinner? And by the way, I baked you a cake, just because I love you.” Your boyfriend/husband/mate will think he got pretty lucky : )
If you want to, though, I’ll let you share my secret crush with This Teacher from a nice safe distance : ) Good luck to you, please come back if you get stuck and need some more encouragement from the collective.
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