My friend saved me from being raped, but now he's acting really strange, and I'm worried. What should I do?

My feeling is that the image he had in his mind, the ideal picture that he created of you and him together, got shattered a bit. The good times he spent with you, the way he has thought about you, the fun that he’s shared with you——tarnished——because of this one shocking incident. Some guys can’t deal with the thought that “their girl” was touched by another guy in an untoward manner. If that’s the case, it’s a sign of immaturity. He needs time to deal with the “reality” of it. My advice is to give him space. Give him time. He probably doesn’t want to admit that it bothers him——that’s why he is so curt with you. Once he realizes he has to deal with this maturely (if he does), he will come around and interact with you again.

Um, have you called the police? If I were you, I’d be a lot more worried about dealing with the attempted assault issue than the friend issue.

Beyond that, none of us can really know what’s going on in your friend’s mind. People react in all sorts of weird ways to traumatic events. Hopefully, he’ll return to normal once the shock has worn off.

If I were you I’d give him more time than wait for him to open up. Don’t force him to “share”. Let him work his courage when it comes to this situation.

He may have realized in that moment that he has feelings for you and he is processing them. Did you tell him that you did nothing to encourage the guy?

It is time that the two of you had an honest conversation. You need to sit Ricky down and tell him that you like him as more than a friend. Then ask how he feels about you.

BTW, have you told you stepfather about the guy and called the police? You need to.

Has Ricky ever had a girlfriend since you’ve known him? Could he be gay or not sure? Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt you.

My initial thought mirrored that of @MRSHINYSHOES ’ . Young men can often become extremely possessive and jealous, even in an irrational way sometimes.

I’m sorry that you lost your stepmother and your dad lost his wife. That must be very difficult for all of you.

My first thought is that you need to learn some basic self-defense. Second, like others have said, you need to deal with the issue of the neighbor. Talk to your dad about what happened with Ricky present. Maybe you can get a better read on his feelings listening to him describe what happened with your father present.

Anyone of the suggestions or combination of the suggestions may or may not be the answer to what is going on with your friend. Tell him how you are feeling. Just like you told us. Regardless, let him know his friendship is important to you.

Best wishes. I hope you can work through this with him. Friends are precious. Please, tell your dad about what happened with the boy next door. That isn’t something to take lightly.

I would just be open and honest with Ricky. Just tell him how your feeling and that you value having him in your life.Please tell your dad about the assault and call the cops because this guy sounds like a loose cannon.

We did call the cops that night. Well, my dad did. Ricky told my dad when we got back to the house because I was too freaked out to explain it to him.

I am sorry about the assault but relieved that you weren’t physically hurt.

That said, you and Ricky seem to be continuing to view your relationship from two different points of view.

Here’s the last discussion (two weeks ago) about the two of you. Ricky is the only one who can decide what to tell you and when. Your concern and affection may help him eventually. Perhaps back off a little and give him more space.

http://www.fluther.com/131436/i-like-my-friend-so-much-it-practically-hurts-what-should/

Before I read any of the responses, all I can say is that my gaydar was pinging away in the back of my head.

Of course I could be wrong. As could you. The only way to know someone else’s sexual orientation is by what they themselves tell you. Even in this day and age there are 18 yr. olds are still struggling with this issue (if indeed they are gay). Most straight guys just close the deal when faced with a willing girl regardless of how shy either one is or isn’t. That’s just the way things usually go.

But your issue of processing your own trauma is the larger issue for you. Quite a bit more important than whether your friend is gay or straight.

Have you given any consideration to counseling/therapy to work through this horrid situation you just went through. This is generally recommended by those calling in to rape/crisis hotlines. It could be helpful more than you now realize. There is a healing process involved for what you’ve just been through. Most people can’t just shrug it off and go on as if nothing happened.

Perhaps talk with your Dad about finding a good therapist/counselor experienced helping assault victims.

Let your friend be for now so he can process his own feelings without pressure. Give him time. If he is straight and it’s true love, a few months of time won’t change that.

If he’s gay, your friendship and acceptance can be important for him accepting himself and living his truth. Your relationship can still be very close but it just may not include romance.

Either way, give him some time and give yourself time to heal from what just happened.

While it’s easier and more pleasant to obsess romantically about him, it can be an unhealthy way for you to avoid the pain and confusion of processing what just happened to you. It is not uncommon for rape victims to blame their own actions or inactions for what just happened. I’m picking up a little of that from a few things you wrote.

In no way was this your fault. But someone else telling you is not as significant as you working through and processing this to realize that for yourself.

For your own sake please don’t allow your focus to be locked into what is/isn’t or might/might not be going on with your friend to the detriment of your own healing process.

Just accept him being your friend and being there for you in whatever way he is comfortable with (even if it’s a little different from previously).

Don’t keep picking at it like a scab. Give it time to heal. Let him go through his process in his own way. This was a shock for him also.

Its possible it really has nothing to do with you. Maybe he has his own demons to fight about unwanted touches and this stirred up some old memories he had buried.
Its also possible he is a bit angry with you if he knows you have a history of feeling uneasy with this neighbor guy and he knows its unreasonable to blame you and doesn’t want to come off pushy since you aren’t exactly dating but he may wish you didn’t go alone knowing this creep was lurking.

1.) Call the police on the assailant.

2.) Jump Ricky’s bones the next time you’re alone on the beach together again.

And how do you think Ricky would feel about that ? (if he’s gay ?)

Oh my gosh I have to admit some answers are downright insensitive. First of all, I have to say,since I’m probably the only girl here who has an almost similar age, I’d be the most considerate..
OH MY GOD. This is SO cute. This guy Ricky seems perfect. And yes, if I were you I’d be more worried about the friend issue rather than the assault issue. This guy is not worth losing.
Try talking to him, maybe he’s just tired about chickening out and not being able to tell you about his feelings, and he feels guilty that before he got the chance to tell you, another guy touched you, and he feels that he has no right to be furious because.. well.. in a sense, you’re not HIS.
So tell him that you know him very well, and confront him about how he’s changed, and make it obvious that you care.. Trust me.. don’t wait, because, sorry to say this but, some slut might just come by and ruin it all.
It happened to me before we got the chance to say our feelings, and now she’s with him. And it’s the worst thing in the world, I have to say. So do it. Take the risk, it’s worth it.

There have been times when I’ve been in a near-miss situation and I get quiet for a few days b/c I’m still shocked at what could have happened. . . He might just be reflecting on the near-rape, and thinking about what the other outcome could have been.

It could be that he’s just shaken up by the situation b/c he hasn’t had to fight someone to actually protect someone he cares about, and he can’t get over it b/c it’s new to him . . .

Talk to him about it.

@Luiveton

“downright insensitive”. Really?

I have read every comment in this Q and everyone has been trying their best to offer helpful advice.

Without being inside Ricky’s head, it’s impossible to know for certain why he is reacting the way he is. All that anyone, including you, can do is attempt to guess.

So why do you think that you have the supreme right to declare anything which does not line up precisely with YOUR viewpoint automatically “downright insensitive” ?

Why do you seem to feel yourself so uniquely qualified to judge something as insensitive.

Who died and made you King?

I guess I missed that memo.

“I ran into this guy (he’s probably 19 or 20) who stays with our neighbors for a week every Fall.”

I hope that you have pressed charges and have also notified the neighbor of his house guest’s behavior.

While your relationship with Ricky is important, I would think you need to prioritize. If you felt that you were almost raped and surely assaulted, you start by dealing with the issues and emotions around that event.

I, too thought he might possibly be gay (or unsure) when I read your description of him. It could go either way. I think everyone’s answers here have been really good and covered everything else I could add to help, really. The short of it is that he will come out with whatever it is in his own time, and your job is just to be yourself and as accepting of him as you’ve always been, so he knows it’s safe to say anything he feels.

And I hope you are ok. Sometimes these bad events take a few days or weeks to sink in, and you think you’re completely fine, then you start to have stress responses a month later. If that happens you’re completely normal—so just remember to take care of you too. Good luck.

@digitalimpression I want to ask you something. It’s somewhat related to your reply. In the give situation would you prefer an irrational possessive friend or being raped? Not trying to be rude or anything. I am just curious.

@Luiveton: Is it unreasonable to associate irrational behavior with sexual orientation? I think not. The OP has already had a lengthy discussion about this relationship here

. No one is putting ideas into her head.

If you want to talk about your feelings and your relationships, then you need to ask a question about you.

@Buttonstc – Really? Even my advice is helpful?!?!

Well okay. I admit it. With tongue firmly in cheek, I meant my answer as actual advice. Maybe she shouldn’t literally jump his bones (unless she’s that kind of girl), but he’s a good catch and she shouldn’t let him get away.

@HungryGuy

Well, at the very least, I would not be so bold as to declare your advice as “downright insensitive” . Thats pretty harsh IMHO.

Even tho I’m more on the “give him some time” side of this issue, I wouldn’t presume to pass judgement on the intent of anyone voicing the opposite.

Everybody here was truly trying their best to be understanding and help this girl out with her dilemma.

No need to be hurling accusations at anybody’s intentions or approach to the issue.

And if someone is attempting that type of sour grapes, I don’t hesitate to challenge them on the BS they’re carelessly flinging around simply because few agree with their precious point of view. The original asker of the Q certainly has enough intelligence to decide upon which advice she finds
helpful or not.

But for the record, I got a chuckle out of your quip and felt it lightened things up a little on what was clearly a traumatic incident in her life.

As the old Readers Digest feature put it, sometimes “laughter is the best medicine” (along with some reassurance and support.)

@Buttonstc – Thanks! My humor tends to be a bit blunt, yeah. But people need to lighten up sometimes :-p