Parents: When was the last time you apologized to your children for things that may have happened when they were young?
Asked by
tinyfaery (
44244
)
October 28th, 2011
2 brief stories:
#1. My wife had a very antagonistic relationship with her mom while she was growing up. Her mother said things to her and did things to her that caused her trauma. Even into adulthood an animosity lingered between the two. Then one day my wife’s mother apologized to her for specific things she did and said. Her mom said to my wife that she (mom) did what she thought was best at the time, but that she (mom) acknowledges she did things that were wrong and that affected my wife negatively. After this, a burden was lifted from my wife and now she actually enjoys and appreciates her mother in a way she never could before.
#2. My dad was an abusive asshole. The only reason I kept in contact with him was because of my mother; she had MS and my father cared for her. When my mother died about 2 years ago my dad cried to me and said that we should leave the past in the past and move on, but he never acknowledged how what he did affected me and affects me today. Basically, he wanted forgiveness without really admitting any guilt. Well, I haven’t talked to him in months and he has seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth, and, of course, we have no relationship. I feel if he could really acknowledge what he did and truly ask my forgiveness, we could mend our rift. This will probably never happen.
So my question. Have you ever apologized to your children for past deeds, whether big or small, that could have affected your children negatively? Did it change anything between them and yourself? Should children expect or do they even deserve an apology?
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24 Answers
Incidentally, just yesterday my mother actually admitted that she neglected to parent me, ever..she wasn’t apologizing but she did mean what she said. As far as my children go, they’re too young still and I haven’t screwed them up much just yet and I think I’m a good parent aka I talk about things before they happen rather than do something, be quiet about it and then have to apologize.
I do my apologies at the time of the incident, so I don’t have any that I know of left over.
Within the past year, and then not for the first time. Some things look different when viewed with hindsight, and then we may see that what seemed right in the moment wasn’t the best course of action. We do the best we can at the time, but we can still regret when our choices have hurt someone.
I’m not sure if it changed anything. Mistakes are mistakes. They seem to understand that parents are people, and they love us just the same.
I don’t know that anyone should ever expect an apology. But I have always believed that it was important for us as parents to acknowledge when we were wrong and to show our children that we could apologize. Even when they were little, they both heard us say we were sorry when we had misjudged a situation, punished them unfairly, or failed to hear them.
To my knowledge, I have never had to apologize to my children.
My kids were great and we had an abundance of love in our family.
Respect is the name of the game in raising children. Respect for their parents and respect for themselves and their attitudes.
I’ve had several really open discussions with my daughter who turns 24 in a couple of weeks. :-)
I KNOW I was a good mom, creative, involved and always said ” SURE, we can keep IT!” lol
However, the last few years that her dad and I were married were very fraught with arguments and tension and for THAT I am very sorry. It was what it was, and I have apologized for some of the stupidity she had to witness. That’s ALL over now, and our relationship is strong, engaging, and she harbors no ill will.
I think it is VERY important to ask your adult kids what THEIR perspective of your parenting was, and have enough humility to own any shortcomings as well as enoguh wisdom to know that ALL kids will have their petty gripes and that making a TV show off limits WILL really piss ‘em off. haha
I told my daughter when she was young, maybe around 8 or so, that the day would come when I was going to make some unpopular decisions in her opinion and I was also much more concerned about being a parent first and a “friend” later.
“Later” is now, and it’s a really enjoyable time for us both. :-)
As a parent? On Wednesday when KatawaGrey and I saw 50/50 together. There was stuff she felt that I never knew and she told me about, and stuff I had to apologize for because I was a bit caught up in my own cancer crap and should have dealt with at the time…
As a child? There is no apology forthcoming, one maybe 37,actually should be happening, never will, OK.
Never. I’m a perfect parent and I never make mistakes.
Well, my daughter’s only nine, but I make it a habit to apologize to her shortly after I do something that needs an apology (raise my voice, etc.). Sure I want her to respect me, but she also needs to know I’m not infallible. I’m human, I screw up, I apologize. Hopefully she learns from that.
As for larger, life altering parenting failures – I hope I haven’t committed any of those (yet). ;^\
@cprevite
It’s all about honesty, even if we do screw up. Apparently there is a part of my daughter that will NEVER forgive me for selling her stuffed Penguin at a yard sale when she was 4. lol
Mind you, she had to choose out of about 150 stuffed animals.
The herd HAD to be thinned. haha
Frankly, @Coloma , I wasn’t even there, and I’m still pissed about the “stuffed Penguin” incident. Wow, I feel so much better, now! There’s a doubling up of Sailor Bear incident that I think still haunts KatawaGrey… <sigh> parenting. such a ride!
I made a blanket apology to my son and daughter when they were young adults. I told them it could cover anything they wanted it to. I got the story of throwing out a set of plastic trains when my son was 12 and we moved from one apartment to another.
And my daughter reminded me of the giant Yogi Bear whose stuffing was falling out of his nose, in spite of a lot of duct tape. She was 5. And I did toss him into a garbage bag.
But we were able to discuss a number of serious issues; at least they discussed them and I listened. A lot of tears and hugs at the end. It issued in an era, still ongoing, of comfortable and grown-up dialogue.
I apologize everytime when I find I hurt their feelings in anyway or wrongly do something to them.
I’m not a parent, but my mother apologized just last year for the abrupt, irresponsible way she left my father… And for leaving me behind, when she left.
She apologized for how harsh she was when we were just being kids.
She apologized for letting me get hurt.
She apologized for the fact that I missed out on being 11 years old, and older, until now.
My father never apologized. Even when I did.
I know I was wrong.
As for the stuffed Penguin and the Yogi Bear doll…damn. How about when the kid says he doesn’t really need the big blue stuffed lion any more—and Mum still has him safely sealed in a plastic bag just in case grown-up son suddenly realizes he never really meant to let the old guy get thrown away? Am I going to have to apologize for that?
As a child who grew up in a society where it’s unheard of for Parents to apologize to children, I really do not expect one. Having been raised in boarding school/college here I certainly can find issues to expect an apology for, (for viewing a culture from a different time and place, is not fair) so, I do not expect nor would ever demand one. Love and acceptance is all i have for them… It was a different time and place, and as loving caring parents they were simply trying to do their best.
As a single father to adorable daughters, who are my raison de etra, I’m terrified that I have the potential to ruin their life in some fashion by simply being me, by carrying over habits I may have picked up from my parents.
We do the best we can, we love them and hope they know and feel it, and for the rest, perhaps asking for forgiveness is/should be good enough.
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@Bagardbilla
Yes, that’s all one can do.
I told my daughter that I had never parented a 5, 10, or 15 year old before, we’re all wingin’ it.
I also told her that the day comes when kids need to see their parents as people, individuals in their own right, not just mommy & daddy.
Likewise for us parents.
The day comes when you have to let them fly and know that regardless of their choices, their actions are not a reflection on you. While I agree that parents play a large part in childrens development, I also don’t buy into “blaming” mom and dad for everything.
Once you’re an adult it is up to YOU to untangle your own stuff and take responsibility.
It’s all an experiment, on both sides. lol
@Coloma Not so easy to say when you were physically and emotionally abused since birth. It creates who you are. I don’t blame anyone and I think your cavalier attitude is offensive.
@tinyfaery
Nothing cavalier about it. I too came from a very dysfunctional background with a sprinkiling of everything. It’s all about understanding that we are ALL victims of victims, and making conscious choices to NOT allow the sins of our fathers to control us forever. Hope you find your path to healing. :-)
Both of my parents made a blanket apology of sorts to me. Something like “Sorry if I wasn’t the best parent, I did the best I could.” I would have preferred silence to that. My parents mistakes were not the kind of mistakes that an “oh well” statement can cover.
I apologize as needed. I’m attempting to break a vicious cycle of toxic parenting passed on in my family…The buck stops here.
My husband’s mom apologized to him recently…he had to wait decades for it.
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