At what point should you get a restraining order from your spouse/SO?

When you feel it’s a question for Fluther, i.e., if it’s an issue that you want to tell the public – however anonymously – then obviously it’s time.

It is not for me, @zensky.

So what? If they assault a spouse or partner they deserve to lose their job. It should be when there is physical or emotional abuse or stalking.

So what? Whoever it is – you stated “physically assaulted.”

Okay.

When you think you need one. Don’t wait until it is dire.

May sound like a stupid question, but, how would that affect visitation (if you have a child together)?

The individual presses charges? Not the Province?

The tricky thing is, sometimes when a person gets a restraining order against someone, the violent, crazy, controlling person flips out and does something really awful. It depends on the situation and if he has a history of violence and controlling behavior probably. It’s really hard to give advise without more details. I would probably call the police and report the assult. Maybe. Not definitely. It might be better for the person who was assaulted to secretly get her/his shit together and make a plan to leave without letting on that he is planning to leave.

Oh, there is a child. I would think if the spouse is violent he would only be able to see the child while supervised.

He lied to the police about the assault and said that she fell. He was ordered by the police to stay away from his wife for a few days.

@Jude Is she ready to leave for good?

There are a couple different questions here.

If you feel at risk and it is needed, then doso. Usually this is presented by the Police based on some domestic disturbance being called in. Once the police are involved, it is a fairly simple matter of getting and extending the restraining order.

As far as will it mean a loss of job on the offenders part, possibly. It all depends on the job, certification requirements, etc.
Some jobs do review this periodically and is a condition of your employment.

@JLeslie That was the last straw. She is done with him.

@Jude If she lived in the states, I would say what is most likely to happen if she leaves, and he doesn’t harass her or kill her (God forbid) that they would be given 50/50 custody of the child, unless one of them is willing to give up custody or have less time with the child. Does he make more money than her? Does she care about child support?

@JLeslie Also in the states, she should be able to request an emergent (temporary) order of protection for her and the child at the time of filing charges, as well as request that visitation be supervised effective immediately. Child Protective Services would likely assess the situation to determine the safety for the child, given domestic violence.

@Cupcake Yes, but tricky. Depends on the guy; it can really piss some guys off and they become more violent. Hard line to walk. Of course the mom wants the child to be safe when visiting the father. Again, depends on the situation.

I don’t feel comfortable giving anymore info. Thank for the answers.

@Jude I wasn’t asking for more details, just saying I think my opinion is not really valid probably without the details. It was more a comment about my comments. Can you put the woman in touch with a group who helps battered women? They would know what to do.

She is going to speak to someone from a battered women’s group, yes.

Before they physically attack you woulf probably be preferable.

Better talk to the other person before making their lives a hell. I know they were first to do it but it’s lame to seek retribution this way. Except an ego and maybe some medical treatments there’s nothing to it while as you said the restraining order can do a lot more harm.
My 2 cents.

@Hibernate while I understand your statement of not doing it out of retribution, a judge should be able to see through any superfluous requests.

Ensure safety of self and children at whatever means it takes. There is no excuse and should be zero tolerance for domestic violence.

@Hibernate I am not sure what planet you’re on.

@Jude I’m in Canada if that person your talking about goes to a battered woman’s shelter with the kids, the guy can’t come near her and they will help her better than you or I or us or even herself can.

@Jude while I understand her man treats her like crap and is violent. But this can be changed. While you stated he’ll lose his job and other benefits you have to think over the situation. She retaliates with this restriction order .. and he’s gonna get even more irritated. Till a police officer can be there to ensure the law you friend might end up at the coroner and he man won’t really care.
First and foremost they need to talk it through but before taking any action she needs to take into consideration EVERY possible outcome of this.

I’ve been in this situation with my family and I know what’s what. Your friend is lucky she’s well for now but till when? Anyway you should tell us how this goes [ a few months or so]. I hope everything will be okay.

@Hibernate I respectfully disagree. That kind of thinking only perpetuates it.
No person should accept violent peoples acts. Statistics show it can NOT be changed.
The action of protecting yourself and your children against violence is not “retaliation”.
The issue is with the person that is violent, and that is where the first and foremost thinking and consideration of the possible outcomes in acting in a completely unacceptable fashion.
@Hibernate I have also been in the situation and it is up to the violent person to find change. If that comes in the wake-up call of having a restraining order against them, it then so be it. How many times does a person or their child need to feel threatened?

A person should never feel ashamed of standing up against domestic violence. While there is shame felt, this more comes from a sense of realization that they never anticipated or should live like this.

I never said it’s a shame in it. But there are situation when the attacked person makes a complaint and obtains the restraining order just to show he/she can and make life a living hell for the other party.
Eventually it might be a wake up call but remember not every person takes it to well.
Picture this .. a family with a dead beat man as a husband and father. He thinks he owns the family. Eventually when the wife takes action and gets a restraining order he might see an attack to his pride. Guess what? 5 o’clock news can show he got arrested for assault or even murder.
I never understood the psychology in this situation but you can’t predict how someone else will act.
I’m more for trying to deal this situation peacefully. If it doesn’t work ONLY THEN get a restriction order and relocating via programs that help out family abused by punk ass mothers/fathers.

@Hibernate
:/
“But there are situation when the attacked person makes a complaint and obtains the restraining order just to show he/she can and make life a living hell for the other party.”

Whaaatt!!!. The law is there for a reason! A person cannot attack someone and then expect to get away with that! This just seems ridiculous. If we all thought that we’d be more worried about retaliation and living in disrespectful abusive relationships. The law is there to protect us if someone retaliates, if they do they have major anger issues and should be controlled and taken away from the ones they are comfortable with hitting…then they can finally go the hell to jail!

@Hibernate Unless I am reading you wrong you are advocating that a person who has a spouse who has a violent history not do anything in fear that it may happen again?
That their RIGHT as a human being be diminished to living in fear?
This is not an action of psycology, but an action of self respect and taking action again a person who shows no respect for a spouse or child or other human.
What message would they be sending to their child who is in this day to day situation. If they do nothing then a message of it being acceptable will be sent to their child and their offender.
A restraining order is only the start of what will occur. Most forward thinking courts also require the offender to attend a year of weekly Anger Management classes at the offenders cost.
Please read these to help you understand the issue a little clearer:
Shame of Domestic Violence
Coalition against Domestic Violence
Surviving Domestic Violence
Help and Support

@Meego don’t get me wrong. I never said she should wait and do nothing. The law protects here but an officer can’t protect her 24/7 and if the attacker has a violent history one can’t know when this person can take it to the next step [murder]. It’s all I wanted to point out. This situation are difficult and one needs to know these persons really well before deciding what’s right.

@blueiiznh remember that most of those apply only to the US. And even so if the attacker really wants to make harm he can always “act” and take actions against this restraining order.

As I said. Every situation is particular and one should know both the attacker and the attacked before making assumptions. I only offered another view on this situations. Why? Because it seems everybody is all in favor of getting a restraining order but don’t want to think this can end up badly.

@Hibernate
I think I understand what your trying to say. I just don’t think it’s right to minimise any crime. I meant no disrespect towards your answer :)

@Hibernate the rules of being civilized apply to all on this earth. Just because some countries have placed laws on something does not mean that if there is no law you should act barbaric towards another human.

@Hibernate It is starting out badly and will end up badly if it is not stopped. I do not think a restraining order is the issue here. The lack of control is the issue. A conversation may be the most civilized approach, but there already is a loss of being civil when one person is violent against another. So a restraining order is the most civilized approach if it is possible. Some people may think that revenge is in order. I think we all know what the best options are.
I do agree that a person who is already violent in nature may become more violent if their family tries to leave or do something to stop it. That is why a restraining order is in place. If it is not, then a person trying work up the will and time to leave is most likely going to end up in a bad situation.

Please tell us your opinion on what a person should do in this situation. Maybe it’s me, but you seem to be against a person standing up against this. What is it you recommend?

Too bad the original video of Pearl Jam’s Better Man is not available for you on this topic
Waitin’, watchin’ the clock, it’s four o’clock, it’s got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over…
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man…
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can’t find a better man…
Talkin’ to herself, there’s no one else who needs to know…
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along…
Swears she knew it, now she swears he’s gone
She lies and says she’s in love with him, can’t find a better man…
She loved him, yeah… she don’t want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah… that’s why she’ll be back again

@Meego when you I post I never hear a tone for what you post because I know you never mean to be disrespectful :) I have a gut feeling.

@blueiiznh My approach? Talk it through and try to make that man understand what he’s doing. I wouldn’t go for a restraining order. I’d go for a public trial and make the situation public and call him to defend himself for his acts of violence. This way the percent to do a stupid thing afterwards is really low. But this is just me. I start easy but go all the way. The restraining order can’t really help her that much.
This situation will offer a lot of bad things in the future no matter what approach. The struggle won’t end with a restraining order.

:) @Hibernate
It’s very true! :) you must have a 6th sense. Thanks for believing in me I believe in you.
Hug!

@blueiiznh
Bigger hug! Well and a small kiss for you ^_^