Peeps...how to deal with a slow start in a relationship?

Sounds like a fast start and then a back down to me. Sorry to have to say that.

Are the two of you in a relationship or just dating? Have you talked about how often you feel like you should be seeing each other? I hate to sound like a downer, but it may be that he got what he wanted from you (the sex) and now he’s pulling away. It could be related to whatever happened between you and his friends or it could be something else (like he’s not that interested).

Either way, the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. Only you can decide if he’s worth slowing down for.

It sounds like you are pressuring him to have a more important relationship than you have. Since he does know 2 of the fellows that you’ve had “flings” with, he’s probably heard an earful from both of them. They may have told him truthful things and exaggerated things about you. I’m guessing that he hasn’t heard anything good from either one of them, and because they are his friends, he probably believes them.

He might see you as kind of as the kind of girl that jumps into bed quickly with guys. For him, part of that was good, because you jumped into bed quickly with him too. But he probably also sees that as a bad thing. The typical double standard that a lot of guys have towards women. So because you were willing to jump into bed with him quickly, he got his jollies, but now probably views you as a “sex buddy” and not as a girfriend.

He may also be concerned that since you don’t have a job, you should be spending most of your time trying to change that situation, rather than spending time having a good time by dating.

And last, but not least, he may have slept with you and then decided that that was all he really wanted from you and now he “just not that into you.”

It sounds to me like cold feet/second thoughts. Sorry @Sher_King but if a guy is into me, usually they want to see me more, not less. So, time for you to think about what you want from this relationship. I would have a serious talk about things and based on what you hear (and his behaviour) decide if this is meeting your needs. If it isn’t what you want, let it go.

Sounds like he is losing interest. Sorry :(

You say things are moving slowly. Where do you want things to go in the relationship, @Sher_King?

My current partner was weirdly hot and cold when we started dating. It bothered me too, so I understand how you feel. It mellowed out with some time and communication.

I think if you pressure this guy into hanging out with you more or make him feel guilty for his behavior that is probably not going to help things. Try to cool off and let things take their course.

One of the surest ways to lose him is to keep pressuring him more. Men just don’t respond well to desperate women. You are coming across as pretty desperate and I don’t know you at all. Try to imagine how this comes across to him.

Slow and steady wins the race. If he’s already milked your cow, well, not much mystery left.
I vote for his prudence, and, your desperation is a red flag that you are, well…desperate for somebody to make you feel good about you.

Not lookin’ good.
The fact that he’s noticed is bonus points for him.
Hows that for super honest and clear?

@Coloma! Milked your cow?

Oh please, the idea that sleeping with a man automatically makes him lose interest in you is so puritanical and antiquated. If a guy is just sticking around because he’s desperate to put his dick in you and you’re holding out, that’s not someone you want to date anyway.

Sorry to derail your thread. I just had to say it.

@bkcunningham , yeah, obviously she’s served up a few quarts. LOL

That is so wrong, @Coloma. LMAO, but wrong.

@bkcunningham , I’m being humorous, but, within every bit of humor lies a grain of truth! lol

If I knew someone had slept with several of my friends and confidants I’d be wary that they were sorta a free ranging cow. haha

Hey! Similar question!

Yes, and whether we want it to be true or not, there’s still a lot of double standards still in existence. Lots of guys, mostly younger guys, want to “hook up” with women, but if that woman gives in immediately and sleeps with him, he then looks at her with disgust, even if he had a great time. I don’t like it, but it happens every day. Not all men do this, but it’s still quite prevalent.

@Kardamom, I completely disagree. That has not been my experience, or that of my friends, at all, even once.

@Kardamom

Right on you are, like it or not. Trust me, I’ve got like 35 years experience, double standards are alive and well, and, there’s plenty of truth in making oneself too easy.

I also read a lot of the “relationship questions” right here on Fluther, and the double standards crap is very alive, especially with the younger folks. I’ve had conversations with male friends and acquaintances, where they have alluded to or admitted outright that they think girls are slutty if they sleep with them right away, even though they’re sleeping with multiple women and sleeping with these so called slutty women right away.

Enough of my friends have been through these kinds of situations for me to know that there are ugly double standards still in practice.

The sexual revolution changed some things, but not all things.

I was part of the sexual revolution and yep, double edged sword at it’s finest.

I agree. Women who sleep around get a bad rap. I heard someone say, a slut is a woman with the morals of a man. I never looked fondly on promiscuity in either men or women.

@nikipedia I agree that sleeping with a man won’t automatically make him lose interest in the girl, if he’s actually interesting in her. However, if he’s just interested in the sex, then it’s very likely he’ll lose interest after he gets what he wants. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though since he’s most likely not someone worth dating anyway if that’s how he is.

The reason I thought that could be the case in this situation is because the OP mentions that he knows about her “flings” with his friends and because she mentioned they’ve already had sex and now he’s pulling away.

@Seaofclouds

Well yeah, everyone wants a well broke horse that knows the trails. lol

This is another good example of following the old adage, “Don’t sh*t where you eat.” In other words, you’re always putting yoursel in a vulnerable position when you date friends of people with whom you’ve already had a sexual relationship. Because people (both men and women) compare notes.

All that has been said may be true. I just don’t want to hurt her feelings when she’s asking a question that involves her heart. Tread gently so there’s possibly a lesson taken from the experience of older women and not anger at being made to feel less than a person.

@bkcunningham

Agreed minus some well earned humor

Bottom line, IF she really cares for this guy, she will honor his concerns and SHOW her true colors via her ability to respect his concerns.

@Coloma, it was funny and all in good fun, and not making fun of @Sher_King. I think we can all agree on that. I would love to help a young woman understand her worth and dignity and understand it doesn’t come by sleeping with someone or hoping someone likes them.

It is tough liking someone and they don’t like you back in the same way. It can really hurt. Maybe it is because you moved too fast to start with and got too intimate too soon. Just slow down and get to know each other.

@bkcunningham You’re right, we are trying to tread lightly, while at the same time pointing out to her that we have some experiences, as older women, that she may not have yet had. Mostly about discovering that some, not all, guys look at women with a double standard. It’s not pretty, but the sooner you learn certain ugly truths the sooner you’ll be able to learn how to deal with and/or avoid them, or make them right.

The great thing about Fluther (which me and Coloma did not have back in the day) was that there are plenty of people who can let you know what’s going on, or what might happen if you do XY or Z, or how some guys can act towards females, now rather than having to go through a series of painful situations.

There’s a couple of ladies on Fluther that are still trying to figure out what just happened to them when some fellow treated them poorly, and they’re in their 30’s and 40’s. Because they weren’t lucky enough to have something like Fluther where they could get quick and accurate information about such things. Like us, they had to simply go through the awful experience and endure the pain. We’re trying to get the OP to avoid some of that pain.

I hope you don’t feel like I was chastising you or @Coloma. I caught myself getting carried away and caught up in the lightheartedness of the humor. When that happens, I’ve been known to cross the line with my “humor.” I think I was really just reminding myself more than anyone. : )

I am in the same “older women” category and agree with you about the the double standard men use with women who come off as being too easy. The double standard can come from women and men and, although perhaps not fair in some people’s eyes, it is a reality.

I sure wish I had access to a forum like this much earlier in my life when I was struggling with trying to understand and develop relationships with women (I’m an unrepentant heterosexual).

What can I offer?
First try to understand what you can and want to offer in a serious romantic and possibly sexual relationship.
Secondly, try to clarify what you want and need in a partner.

If you approach a relationship with a strong urgency for sex, you can get that but you might miss out on really getting to get to know that person. Take your time and satisfy your sexual needs yourself until your relationship gets to the point where that kind of intimacy feels right.

Good luck.

You just have to ride the fasts, the slows, the ups, and the downs.

@bkcunningham I knew we were on the same page : )

Hey guys. Wow. I didnt expect some of these answers. Even though some of you were pretty harsh. But hey everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I just want to make something clear. When i met him I did not know who his friends were. So that arleady came to a shock. Secondly, those ‘flings’ took place years before i met him, and today I cant believe its even worth mentioning cause it meant nothing. Atleast for me.

Now am I desperate? Yes, desperate to know if I made a fool out of myself. And i think you guys made that clear. I hate these situations. The woman always comes out feeling worse. Now, I feel pretty much sour about the situation and i dont want to deal with it at all. He’s a good guy. Maybe Im putting pressure. Yes i am putting pressure. But like i said, im freakin’ out and now I just want to back off.

I personally think he’s interested in me. We dont hang in the bedroom. We do other stuff together. He has his own problems. So i guess thats why things might be moving slow. But now im just confused.

So just enjoy the moment @Sher_King. Back off a little yourself and just see what happens. You don’t need to end things if you want to see how things pan out. Just give yourself a bit of space though. Give your feelings a bit of a buffer. Don’t worry about ‘what might be’, just enjoy the time you spend with him. If you feel you can, without coming across as desperate and needy, tell him how you feel. Tell him you are enjoying spending time with him but feeling a little vulnerable. If he is a decent guy, I am sure he can understand that. Don’t be hard on yourself.

Thank you @Bellatrix I appreciate it :)