I think this post is really good. I actually am much more comfortable calling many of the things mentioned in that post “abuse” than the author, and I think that the author really downplays how fucked up a lot of that shit really is (even though the A Child Called It stuff is even more fucked up), but in and of itself represents a problem within the abuse community: how do you label things that aren’t some of the worst we can imagine? When people say “I was abused”, most people hear that to mean “someone went all Casey Anthony on me” or “my dad once made me get naked and climb in a heated oven, and that’s why I’m now so physically deformed”. They don’t hear “my mother never hit me, she just screamed at me every day how I was to blame for her unhappiness”. It’s actually much like the issue of, how do you recognize how horrible it is that in some massacre there were 13 innocent lives lost, when the Holocaust wiped out several million? But I would like to highlight the following paragraph, because it’s dead on:
It’s also something bystanders will encourage, because they don’t want to have to deal with what it would mean if you had been For Real Big Deal abused. Cops downplay because they don’t want to make an entire investigation into something that probably wouldn’t lead to a conviction anyway. Social services downplay because putting a kid in foster care or adult in a shelter is expensive and difficult and often causes huge damage in its own right. Friends downplay because they don’t want to have to confront the abuser or live with the knowledge that they’re ignoring abuse. Fellow survivors downplay because they’re downplaying their own experiences. And everyone downplays just because they don’t want to live in the kind of world where abuse is happening right in front of them, in their own town, among nice folks who mow their lawn and volunteer at the PTA bake sale, and there’s absolutely nothing they can do about it.
I think that last sentence is really the crux of the matter. People don’t want to hear that they know someone who abuses. They don’t want to hear that they have, at one time or another, probably seen signs, hints, and even red flags, and they ignored them, they rationalized it, they figured it wasn’t really that bad, and they figured that they were actually the bad one for leaping to all these horrible conclusions about people. And part of this is because everyone is so powerless in the face of abuse. Let’s say my classmate seems like the type of person who’s abusing someone – maybe a kid, maybe a friend, maybe a s/o, someone. But, I don’t actually know of any one, specific relationship where said classmate is acting in an abusive manner. How am I supposed to confront this problem, and change it? I’ve got nothing real to report other than a hunch. You can’t really talk abusers out of abusing – they have to want to change (same as with all other changes to the self), and at the very least, if you could, it’d require several years of slowly getting them to trust me and listen to me, and not one talk over a hot cuppa tea like in “very special” sitcom episodes. And how am I supposed to reconcile with myself that I’ve let it go on this long – this is, after all, someone I sat next to, engaged in dialogue over the material, and maybe even went out for drinks with a couple times. How am I supposed to tell other people (not to mention myself) that I actually had a great time grabbing PBRs with an abuser? Isn’t it really just so much simpler, so much less messy, so much easier, if I just say that this classmate is just a bit eccentric, and not abusive?
Another part is that I think we actually make child molesters out to be too bad. Not that they aren’t bad, and I’m not trying to say that they are, but I think it goes over to the point where we don’t see them as human anymore. And then because we don’t see them as human, we see them as more some crazy mythical monster that lives in the woods, and that we could easily recognize upon sight, than someone who lives down the street and looks normal and smiles and waves and helps you with your groceries and has other sides to their being and identity than “rapes kids”. So it creates a certain “not my Harold” environment.
There are, of course, many different parts playing into the whole thing (nothing is ever straightforward). Like how we have a culture (especially within certain sub-cultures) that emphasizes the rightness of authority; to question authority is often considered a serious issue itself, to accuse authority of abuse an outright social crime. Look at how people who question authority are looked at as unpatriotic, as brats, as hooligans, as smartmouths and backtalkers and ‘giving sass and lip’, as uppity, and my personal favorite, as entitled. Since it’s so often authority doing the abusing (part of why they get into positions of authority), especially with child abuse, it creates an environment in which you can’t ever say something because it just makes it worse. We have a culture that, in so many ways, actively punishes people who even acknowledge that abuse is a real, live, everyday thing, that it is a part of the world we live in.