Do you like getting hit on?

I don’t think you are being prudish. You just want someone to approach you in a way that makes you feel comfortable. I can relate to your feelings. If someone compliments me in a respectful way, then I find it flattering, as long as I have an “exit strategy” should the situation become unsafe. But if someone gets too personal or they make me feel cornered, physically or verbally, then that makes me wary. You are wise to be cautious. Maintaining an awareness of another person’s behavior and anticipating their next move is an important way to guard your safety when meeting someone new.

Relax. Remember that YOU are in control of any situation and stop fretting. Respond accordingly to the guy or just smile slightly and walk away.

Never liked it..and now that I’m long-time married I like it even less.
It takes me a bit longer to catch on that it’s not just friendly banter and that I’m being hit on..but when I do figure it out I’m instantly angry because it tends to be that they HAVE seen my wedding ring and still decided to flirt with me nonetheless. (Usually they’re married too!)
Pisses me off every time.

Always love it. What’s not to like?

Never been hit on. I never wanted a woman to feel like I was hitting on her since I’ve heard so many complaints. On the other hand, I never picked up a woman I didn’t get introduced to by someone else. Which is to say, I would say I never “picked up” a woman, period. Perhaps if I hadn’t worried about her feelings, I might have had more luck that way. But I never wanted a woman who didn’t want me, and I don’t think I really wanted a woman who I had to persuade to like me. If I’m not enough on my own, then I’m not interested.

It must be annoying to have guys constantly pressing you for a date or sex or something, but I don’t understand the anger about so-called “friendly banter” turning into flirtation or a come-on of some kind. It’s as if you feel somehow cheated. As if the man promised to do one thing, and then did another.

I guess women like this think there is a certain set of rules, and they assume everyone has agreed to them. We got married or you got married, so we can no longer see you as anything other than a sexless conversation robot. If you’re married, somehow you’re immune from being chased or having anyone be interested in you.

The problem with this idea (besides it not reflecting reality), is that it is based on a notion of femininity that assumes that men chase, and women are chased, and once a woman is a property of some man, all the others will take note of that and won’t try anything on you.

If you want to take to the sidelines, then meeting men is hardly a good way to do that. There are no sidelines when we are talking about human relationships. If you’re desirable, people will desire you, and if not, no one will notice you. Marital status changes nothing. If you don’t want to be desirable, then there is plenty you can do to make that happen. You don’t have to go to the extreme that some women do, by adding one hundred pounds.

There’s also plenty you can do to use your power. Your desirability is your power. And no one requires you to say “yes” to anything. If you know how to say “no,” you shouldn’t have a problem. Of course, it’s not easy for a lot of women to say “no” because their mothers bring them up to be nice. But to get angry at men who hit on you because you aren’t comfortable saying “no?” That’s as dishonest as a married man putting his ring in his pocket. Not that they need to. Plenty of women with rings on are perfectly happy to engage in flirtatious banter and don’t have a problem cutting a guy off like that when he takes one step too far.

@wundayatta, its not so much anger I feel toward men hitting on me, so much as fear of an uncomfortable ‘no’. some ‘no’s are easy to say, or display. Some men are good at not pressing the issue further when they come upon resistence. But some men put women into situations where she’s gonna have to say ‘no’ in a very uncomfortable way. It’s a trap of sorts. That’s the part I don’t like dealing with.

Also, you said that there’s plenty to do to make one’s self less desirable. What are those things?! I am in my 20’s, pretty, educated, ambitious, fun, kind. All things I am happy and lucky to be. But if I go out to an arts event without wanting to be hit on, do I have to erase one of those things in order to be less desirable? If so, which one? Or do I need to put on an act? Start acting stupid or boring? I already avoid eye-contact, keep to my friends, and am careful about my body language. Doesn’t work. Please, I’m very curious – what are these things I can do?
(I had a somewhat traumatizing night yesterday at a music venue – so the issue is fresh in my mind)

Yep.

@adr You know what you can do. Don’t wear makeup. Or use makeup that makes you look tired. Wear ugly looking clothes. Act boring, but don’t act innocent or stupid. Act like a bitch. Be angry. Eye-contact… not sure avoiding it helps. Better to look at men with a “fuck off, I’m a dyke” look. COmbine that this the “you talk to me and I’ll cut off your balls” look.

Your problem is that you are uncomfortable with saying no. And because of that, you don’t cut off men soon enough nor strongly enough. You are very into being nice, and that is the trap that women fall into and the reason why they have problems with pushy men. Pushy men know that many women have trouble saying no and they are unscrupulous enough to take advantage of that.

You have many gifts, and you don’t want to hide them. You like the attention, I’ll bet, when you look underneath it. Your identity is tied up with being pretty, educated and ambitious. But to show that, you also have to publicize your desirability and when you do that, men are going to desire you.

You can’t have it both ways in this world. If you are going to be desirable, you better learn how to say no and to say it pretty dramatically. You need to learn the confidence to tell someone to fuck off. My daughter is 15, and I was telling her pretty much the same thing yesterday. There was some creep on the subway, and I guess she just ignored him.. I forget, but I told her she should have yelled at him.

I’m proud of her for doing what she did. Whatever works. But I don’t want her to feel like she has to be nice. I want her to be able to be a bitch when she needs to be. Do you understand? This is just a tool. This is not about you. It’s about learning to handle creeps who don’t know how to take a no.

I don’t want you to be uncomfortable at having to say, “no.” You need to learn to say that “no” because it could save your life. I don’t know why you are uncomfortable with it, but you can tell me if you want. You may not like dealing with this, but eventually it comes down to saying “no” or letting a guy take advantage of you and you must know you have to say “no.” Complaining about guys isn’t going to change a thing. There will be guys out there who behave like this and so, unfortunately, if you’re going to go out and socialize, you will have to deal with them.

What did your father tell you about this? What did your mother say?

My girlfriend tells me I get hit on all the time. I’m oblivious to it because I just don’t care. If I do notice it, I ignore it. If they talk to me I don’t encourage a conversation and never ask any questions. If it truly bothers you, I would suggest you stop thinking about it all the time and seeing every situation where a guy talks to you as him having an alternative motive. “they disguise their motivations with innocent conversation starters…”
Frankly, I think it’s a bit egotistical to even say/think that. Do they say they only talk to you because of some deep desire to get to know you on a personal/intimate level? How is it disguised?
If politely saying you’re not interested doesn’t work then you always have the option to ignore them and if that doesn’t work, you will just have to toughen up and simply tell them to go away.

@wundayatta, @EnchantingEla;
Well put.
I’m not sure why I feel uncomfortable saying ‘no’ – its a good question. I think it might have something to do with some part of me feeling like i need to take responsibility for men’s come-ons. Like, its my fault that I wore make-up, or a nice dress, or that I smell good. Like I was asking for it, since I am aware that these things increase ‘desirability’.

But at the same time, it kinda sucks having to go out looking tired, boring, and bitchy. Not really the person I want to be. I’m in a mode of wanting to be the best person I can be. The time I spend being single is a time I cherish as a time of self development and growth.

I understand that you mean for me only to be boring and bitchy in the face of an unwanted male predator, and I agree, its important to be able to do this. But I don’t know if you realize just how much it can ruin a night when being at a show and having to be boring and bitchy at every damn turn. That is what happened the other night: at first it was ok, i just had to steer my friend and I away from certain spots at the show, but after a while, there was nowhere else to turn. I think you underestimate just how often girls have to face this stuff. I have no better solution than what you propose, I’m just saying: it sucks.

I hope you don’t mind a guy answering this. Personally I love it when a woman ‘hits’ on me, as long as I find them reasonably attractive.

I don’t like being ‘hit on’. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I love to flirt. I don’t always like being hit on. Hit on seems more aggressive. Not sure if there is really a difference in definition, but that is the difference to me.

I probably would be flattered, if I knew what it looked like.

I like it. I’m flattered when I attract unsolicited female attention. It feels good.
.
Heck, sometimes I go to Waffle House for breakfast because the waitresses there call me “Hon’’.

It depends on the circumstances, really. Usually I’m what my friends call “Optimus Prime” for the night, means designated driver. I’ve seen how my friends, drunk, where acting toward the same things being said and how I was reacting. Which was “get in this car right now”. Women like confidence so if a guy just says out right, “you’re cute”, good. If he says “I’m only in town for one night”, bad.

@adr Look at what @EnchantingEla is saying again. I think you don’t have to do all that stuff to make yourself look unattractive. You can look as good as you want. I also don’t think you have to play games like pretending you’re gay or something to get men to go away.

What will help is having confidence—in knowing what you want and this allows you to give guys the right message, not just by saying no, but with your entire body. Eyes are critical. You look at them as if they are dung. But you can also be dismissive in ways that should send them away.

To me, it’s like a sales man. I’ll be polite to a guy once or maybe even twice. If they persist a third time, I’m no longer polite. “What part of “no” do you not understand?” I actually relish this. By being rude to me, they have demanded that I be rude back. Tit for tat. It’s a game strategy that is one of the most effective there is.

If you have this politeness thing in your way, then you have to get over it. Like I say, try to enjoy getting in guys faces and putting them down. If they are assholes, they deserve it. If they call you abitch, too bad. They are assholes. Assholes bring out the bitch in a woman. And you ahve to say “no” with no loopholes. It has to be solid and you have to mean it. No listenting to them after. Just ignore them. If you must look at them, it is only to say “Go away!” In your firmest tone of voice. Think of it as practice for being a grown-up. I don’t know what you want to do for work, but these skills are important in the rest of your life, too.

If a man is not a gentleman, then a lady need no longer be polite, I think. Of course, when you put someone down, you do it in a polite way, but it must be in no uncertain terms. The guy must get the idea that you think he is vermin right away. Which means you have to be clear about what you want and what you don’t want. Guys will pick up instantly if you don’t back up your “no’s.”

Maybe other women here can tell you how they do it. Ask @EnchantingEla for more hints. Or other women about how they handle unwanted attention.

I wouldn’t know..I’ve never been ‘HIT ON’ in my life. Never been flirted with..would not even know what that was like; although I always wanted to be.

I tend to be very suspicious of men’s motives too; I, like you, often wonder if I’m being overly suspicious. In general I just don’t like getting hit on by complete strangers because I feel like I know what someone who hits on complete strangers is looking for, and I’m not gonna provide. :| But once I’ve built up a friendship with someone, depending on my feelings I will appreciate a bit of flirting. Not that it happens often. I guess the trouble is, if I’m being overly suspicious all the time, I might perceive innocent attempt to meet new people as creepy. I don’t want to do that! I’m no good at giving advice on this, though, being very unexperienced myself.

Oh yeah, here’s a funny related lyric. I love this:
“The ghetto boys are catcalling me
As I pull my keys from my pocket
I wonder if this method of courtship
Has ever been effective
Has any girl in history said
Sure, you seem so nice, let’s get it on”
– Amanda Palmer, “Ampersand”

no, many men are atrocious at it

hit on? yeah, sure, why not? Is good, isn’t that?

I like getting hit on by men especially gay white men that have blonde hair and blue eyes.