I feel upset. Know any good jokes?

“One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

What do they call a Jamaican proctologist? Pokemon.

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Antijokes :D

I’m smiling :)

If you were to eat just the lower half of a mermaid… would you be considered a cannibal?

Either way you’re a murderer…. or… a fisherman? I’m so confused.

(Grin)

@digitalimpression either way you’re not a vegan

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand. ;)

Here are some examples where the meaning kinda got lost in the translation! (Hope you feel better soon).

http://www.funnyordie.com/lists/23063cc48c/31-brilliant-examples-of-engrish-fails

How do you drive an Englishman ( or woman) nuts? Lock him in a round room and tell him pee only in the corner.

DesCartes was asked if he wanted fries with his hamburger.  “I think not,” he said, and instantly vanished.

If you like your sick jokes go here
11/10 politicians prefer vote rigging.
Or
I love rowing: its oarsome.
Or:
The wife suggestively asked if I’d like some of her ‘fish pie’ for dinner
‘No thanks, I’d rather have some of our daughter’s beautiful cherry tart,’ I replied.
‘I don’t think you fully understood me,’ she winked and giggled.
I did.

A baby seal walks into a club.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her
“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “Look, I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. “I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.” 


With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. 


“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.


“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe.”


“I see,” the captain says.


“Plus,” she adds, “He’s screwing me.”


“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

An old,old,old joke that makes me laugh all the time:

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.
The judge tells Mickey, “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally ill.”

Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally ill, I said that she’s fucking Goofy!”

If you want jokes, watch C-SPAN.

Thanks for cheering me up guys :)

How do you find out you’re a certified drunk? When you walk into a bar for the first time and the bartender calls you by your first name.

NSFW!
Once upon a time there was a great king who went in search for a true virgin to wed and crown as his queen. He toured his kingdom riding in his great golden open carriage pulled by twelve mighty great horses.

His brilliant plan is to invite all young beautiful maiden he sees along the way, show her his royal penis and the first one who asks, “What is that?”, he swore would be queen, for only a true virgin would not have any inkling what a penis is.

Exposing himself to the first candidate, she reacted saying,“Oh my, what a small penis for a king!” Insulted, he quickly pushed her off the carriage.

The second beautiful young maiden came aboard not too long after. Once again, the king shows her his penis upon which she exclaimed, “I’d rather marry a poor pheasant yet with a big…”. He threw her off the royal carriage before she could even finish her words.

His pride terribly hurt, the king was almost ready to give up when he spotted the most attractive young woman he ever saw in his life. Reluctantly, he invited her in, shows her his royal thingy and braces for the dreaded insult. Yet lo and behold she said, “What is that?”

The king jumped with joy for he finally found his virgin queen! He quickly instructed his driver to head back to the palace. Moments later, they had to stop for the horses needed to take a pee. While relieving itself, one of the horses had a huge erection in clear view of the future queen.

Wiping the smile off the king’s face, she stood up, pointed at the horse’s penis and blurted, “Now that! That is what you call a fucking cock!”

@mazingerz88 LOL

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but…every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye! :-D

@MilkyWay Did you hear about the guy that jerked off on a flower pot? He got a blooming idiot for a son.

Tee hee ^_^
I’m lovin it guys!

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled “You Can Be the Man of Your House.”

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that’s done, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess.” ;)