I’ve evolved into the same space as @JLeslie
I divorced almost 9 years ago now and so also ended up divorcing a lot of extended family on my ex’s side, of which his mother was very controlling over how the holidays went. The last number of years I have happily detached from the whole scene, it’s just not that important to me anymore and I am very flexible with what days I hostess the celebration with my daughter and her boyfriend.
She, however, is in the midst of power struggles and recently had her grandmother on her dads side have a complete breakdown of her choosing the spend this years hoildays with her boyfriends family and here.
Her grandmother laid every trip in the book on her. Accusing her of not caring about them, guilt tripping, and, finally, literally, ordering her that she WILL be there for Christmas.
I was very proud of my girl, who at 24 is far more assertive than I was in the same situation at her age.
I think it is very important to remember that things change in life. Circumstances change, and accepting these realities is part of our ongoing need to remain adaptable and flexible.
I just combined my daughters 24th B-day with a “mock” Thanksgiving here last week on the 16th. We are still in process of picking a day for Xmas here. My birthday is the day after Xmas and so, often we combine our celebration with my B-Day on the 26th, or, we do our Xmas early and then have a birthday thing on the 26th.
It’s all good, and the actual day is not as important as working things out so everyone is relaxed and not stressed.
The sooner we learn to let go of elevated expectation and hype and control, the more free we become to really just in-joy the moments of togetherness and celebration regardless of whether or not the fall into the “should” category.
“Don’t should on yourself, or others” is a good mantra to live by. ;-)