Will I ever get over my ex?

Yes you will.

You will get over it if you really want to. I never thought I could live, survive, without my ex boyfriend, but I did it, and so can you. I never thought I’d be able to go a day without thinking/missing him, but it’s been over 2 months now. Who knows how long it will take, and you still might think of him from time to time, but it can and will happen.

Know you deserve better. A new guy who will remember your birthday and not be so lame :)

Getting over my ex was the hardest, most difficult, traumatizing thing I’ve ever had to do in my life… but I got over it. You deserve better and you will find the guy who is right for you.

You get off it, get over it, get on with it. You logically take a strong look at everything you just told us. He didn’t stack up, was kind of lame, he could have another girl with him, that is just for starters. If you have to take a piece of paper and fold it in half and put all the good things on one side, and the bad on the other side, do that. Sometimes people are like a meatball sub. If meatball subs give you indigestion, you have two choices; eat it and suffer, or know you love it but for your well being, leave it alone. Grieve the relationship, then tell yourself logically, you can’t get a better bike if you don’t want to get off the busted one with two flats.

You can and will get over it, it just takes will power and some common sense. Like hypocrisy_central said, write down on a piece of paper his shitty qualities. Maybe seeing it on paper will make you realize. But then again people will do what they want to do. I’ve been there before and really down so if you need anyone to talk to you can message me about it.

Now that I look back on it, it was honestly moments of my life that I wasted crying over him, that now I can not take back. Instead of missing a jerk, I could have done productive things. Think of it.

LOL trust me guys, in the two years I’ve been obsessing over this goon I’ve definitely spent considerable time dissecting all the ways in which he was a lame-o while he was my boyfriend.

For me it comes down less to his qualities and more about how I felt when I was with him. I’ve never met someone I’m so attracted to and for a while, the relationship was absolutely electric. Some of my most beautiful memories and best feelings are attached to this person and it’s hard to forget that in spite of some of the ways in which he fell short. Perhaps it was just youth and raging hormones but it just sticks with you, ya know…

For the first year and a half it was all passionate sex, romantic letters, great conversations and everything else one could expect from two beautiful kids in love. He left about 7 months in for the Air Force academy and I flew to him four times to see him. And then about a week before he left me, he just started acting weird and distant until finally he dropped the bomb on me that he didn’t love me anymore and “didn’t know why”. :(

At this point, I kind of think of my feelings for him as an addiction of sorts. Supposedly when you’re in love, your brain releases similar chemicals to when you take euphoric drugs and when that relationship ends abruptly, it’s almost like going into withdrawal. I just wonder if I’ll ever meet anyone who makes my synapses fire like he did or if I’m doomed to lackluster relationships that just don’t measure up…

I hear stories all the time about people never entirely getting over their first loves. How common is it?

Well it is your first love so you will remember it, but as time goes on, and you meet someone more to your liking, you will realize it was a lot of puppy love and romanticizing.

@LeavesNoTrace – Of course you will meet someone who gives you the same feeling he did, and then some. There are 7 BILLION people in this world – and counting. You get what you think you deserve hun. If your focus is mainly on him and thinking “I will never find another love like his” then you are already shutting out potential guys and your growth to heal!!

I have a boyfriend right now. He’s nice and has a lot of good qualities but for some reason I can’t muster the same level of passion for him. I love him and care about him a lot, but it’s not that all-consuming love that leaves you panting.

I wouldn’t exactly call my ex a “puppy love” thing I was 18–20 when we were dating and he was 23–25 so it was a young thing but not like a high school thing. It was a serious relationship that lasted for two years – we even discussed a possible engagement and I was very excited at the prospect of marrying him. (Stupid I know, but I really did love him.)

I just don’t know why I haven’t been able to get over him. I’ve ‘moved on’ in the sense that I’ve moved to Manhattan from our small hick town and have grown intellectually and as a person but all I can think about sometimes is how in love he would be with me if he knew the person I was now. I know he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend but his girlfriend is very homely and judging from their FB interactions and from what I’ve heard from his friends, he’s not that into her. I’ll admit, this kind of makes me happy despite the fact that I know I shouldn’t get back with him since he just left me the first time. Not to mention, he’s in California now. :(

It just feels hopeless. And I’m dreading having to possibly see him when we’re both home. I guess all I can do is try to look really really good when if he sees me. No going to the grocery store without mascara! :p

Seriously though, I’m pretty nervous. It’s a tiny town and it’s kind of hard to avoid people…especially people you don’t want to see.

It isn’t unusual to get triggered, even two years later, when you have had a devastating break up. The possibility of him being in your hometown when you are home can easily be that sort of trigger. I will say that 2 years is usually about the time people start to be really free of a past relationship. 4–6 months people begin to be able to get through the day without obsessng and be a total wreck, and after 2 years finally not totally wrecked when the person is thrown in your face either running into im, finding out he is dating someone else, those sorts of triggers. So, I say you are bearing the end of him being able to do this to you. Also, this type of set back happens fast, and goes away fast once you are back in your routine again, it won’t be like when you first broke up and felt completely out of control emotionally and physically (well, I am assuming you did).

I have to say your current boyfriend doesn’t sound like he is the one. but, alos know the passion you felt for your ex was probably not healthy passion, but desparate passion. The type that women feel when the guy is a jerk.

When you start dating someone who you think is fantastic this will really all be put to bed. Not that you have to be dating to feel better; actually, being single and not feeling the need to date anyone cause ou are happy in your life works just as well. But, as long as you ar dating a guy who seems to not measure up, you probably won’t feel completely over your ex. Not that I think you should seek someone like your ex, I only mean one day I think there will be someone that is more fabulous than you ever imagined.

My advice for thanksiving is if you become an emotional reck, leave town early and go back home.

Well you women like it or not, the writing of the wall is men do fed up of the same woman after some time. They need another one to play games. Their taste for women keeps on moving. The best solution is to compensate this solution with your attention and care. If you get a few children from him, that will definitely keep him bound to you but that does not mean he will be loyal to you. He will definitely cheat on you even in that situation. What I am suggesting is sooner or later women have to accept the reality and allow men to marry more than one ladies. That is the only solution in which the first woman will not have to suffer.

Look, getting over him requires some work on your part. You are keeping a shrine to him in your heart. But it is to a fantasy him.

You already said that he never remembered your birthday. Wat else was the real him like? What was your relationship like on a day-to-day basis? List all of the awful things he did and said or didn’t do and didn’t say. The ugly reality of the relationship. Remember what he said to you when he broke up with you.

Then every time you start to fantasize about him. Your heart beats faster, your breath catches, deliberately think of one of the awful things he did. Substitute reality for the fantasy every time. You will soon be over him.

But the key is not to fantasize about how you wish he was, but instead think about how he actually was.

You may always have some heartache, which is negative energy, over the loss of someone you love, whether they are good for you or not.

But you will meet someone that will create some positive energy in your life, and over time, your feelings of loss will diminish. You will focus on the new experiences with this person, and less about your old lover.

It took me talking to him 30 years later, and realizing he never grew up at all, and never became the person I expected him to become, and seeing what a miserable person he had become to finally and completely “get over” him.

My advice…. go see him. Hang out with him. One of two things will happen…

A) You will see him and all of his flaws, and realize you are better off without him and your mind is simply building him up to be more than he really is.

or B) You’ll realize you really do love him. But at least you’ll be no worse off than you are now.

Yes, friend, this will most likely pass. It just takes time and effort on your part. It sounds as if you are moving on physically and mentally in the right direction, and it is only the emotion that still has you tethered to this man.

Having been in a similar situation with a similar-sounding guy, here is what I learned:
1.) You can love someone but not be in love with them. It took time, observing other people’s successful relationships, plus meeting other men who had more potentional as a better match for this to come to light.
2.) As we grow older, we often become more of ourselves. While some people luck out in an early life relationship and are able to maintain staying on the same path, it is less likely to happen.
3.) Reconnecting with a former SO often brings about closure. When able to view them without the rose-colored glasses, it is enlightening.

At 28, I would have married the SO of two years. Had that happened, we both would have been unhappy, if not miserable. Fortunately, he had the foresight to break it off. It took years to let go of that relationship emotionally. In the meantime, I focused on a career and being independent. While it took almost 20 years to meet the perfect mate, it was worth the wait.

When he split up with you, he took it out of your hands… the likelihood is that had the relationship continued, his negative qualities would have gradually outweighed the positives, and have made you eventually end it… you would have realised you deserve better. And you would have moved on, because you would have been in charge of what you were deciding.

Well, you still deserve better… you deserve all the good stuff AND better… He was your first true love, and he was special for being that. Enjoy the memories, look for the good qualities in future boyfriends, and expect better than a “lame” boyfriend for a partner.

You will get over it, it sadly just takes time… time and a regular decision on your part to move forward. You’re obviously strong – keep going!

(You’re right when you talk about a form of addiction – sometimes feelings that make us feel rotten overall, are still very addictive feelings. Breaking an addiction takes strength, and it takes support. You’re getting support here.) :-)

More or less the same thing happened to me at your current age.

I had married (too hastily, obviously) a Filipina who was in the US on a student visa and quit school to be with me. With INS breathing down her neck, I married her (knowing that the only reason she wanted to marry was to stay in the US) and figured that we could work things out. I was absolutely besotted with her.

Six months later she walked out on me, with an acquaintance. To make matters worse, she lived with him in the apartment downstairs from me. I was humiliated, hurt and too poor to move out. To say that I was devastated would be a severe understatement for the time.

It took me a long time to get over her, too, but I did. I eventually married again to a wonderful woman and we had two amazing kids who are now adults. (The woman I married first is now on the other side of the country – and she’s a blimp.) Life with her would have been hell even if I had managed to hold on for the ride.

I think I’d start by asking myself in detail why I was feeling so nervous over (possibly) seeing him again.

@LeavesNoTrace, have you prayed about it?

Honey, I can feel your pain. Reading this post made me remember a douche, from a long time ago, who did a number on me and it was very devastating. I too, built a shrine in my heart to this guy, which was a HUGE mistake on my part. I too, was about your age.

Here’s what I did wrong:

Overlooked all of the sh*tty things he did.

Pined away about how beautiful he was.

Overlooked all of the sneaky things he did.

Pined away about how insightful he was.

Overlooked the fact that he had a whole row of other women lined up.

Pined away about how funny he was.

Overlooked the fact that his words and his deeds often did not match.

Pined away about what a fantastic writer he was.

Overlooked the fact that he had zero interest in my family or friends.

Pined away about the fact that we had a lot of common interests in quirky things (that if I’d looked harder to find other people, I would have realized that plenty of people share my weird/silly desires (both males and females, whodathunk it?)

Overlooked the fact that he rarely had time for me and always had an excuse for why we couldn’t spend more time together

Pined away about what a good lover he was.

Overlooked the fact that if he was indeed a good lover, he also should have been a good friend, a good man, and a good person. He wasn’t an awful person, but he certainly wasn’t a good person. But that did not stop me from saving every scrap of paper that he’d ever written to me, or remember every brilliant (not) thing he’d ever said to me, and every photo I ever had of him.

He would call me up every now and then needing something. A contact, some advice, some bit of information that I might have. At first, I was happy (in a most desperate way) to hear from him, but everytime he called, I ended up feeling much worse, because he did not want me back, and in one case, even called me up to complain about how his relationship with his new girlfriend had gone down in flames because she didn’t love him enough. That was about all I could take.

It was at that moment, that I deleted all of his contact information, threw away every bit of ephemera that had to do with him, and politely, with no emotion, told him that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to be in contact any more, considering that we weren’t a couple and that we weren’t even friends. I told him that there was absolutely no point in us continuing to have contact, because we both lead separate lives and we did not have mutual feelings for each other. He was irritated and tried to make me feel guilty and foolish, but I was 100% ready to give him up at that point.

And yes, I still did feel little pangs of sorrow after that, but that phone call was kind of an epiphany for me. I knew in the back of my mind that he was a jerk, but all I focused on were the great things that I saw in him from the very, very beginning, that didn’t even last a few months. When I was finally able to see him for what he really was, I was able to stop thinking about him all the time. And because we had agreed not to contact each other, I knew I was never going to have to pick up the phone and hear his voice. This was before the days of FB, but there were still ways of “hearing through the grapevine” that he was with this woman or that woman. I saw him 2 times after that, at events where I was almost positive he was going to be (due to the quirky interests in certain subjects, sort of like a Star Trek geek, but not that exactly).

I had even toyed with the idea of not going to the events, but my girlfriends talked me out of that silly notion and said that it was not right that he should drive me away from my own interests. But what I had to do was come up with some rote answers and replies just in case I bumped into him. And I vowed to be nothing but polite and kind to any woman who might be with him, and then to quickly excuse myself and go hang with my peeps.

I then had to completely change my attitude about other guys and the negative thinking that goes along with putting a douche on a pedestal. Picture that image in your mind! I had to start giving other guys the benefit of the doubt, that they might be terrific fellows. There’s still a lot of other douchey guys out there, but thankfully, there’s plenty of great guys too. I have to say that Mr. Douche really gave me some perspective on how to spot the bad ones pretty quickly. If he does X, Y or Z, I yell, “Danger Danger Will Robinson!” and I don’t let myself get sucked in, even if he’s beautiful.

One of my close female friends really had a difficult time with being obsessed with a couple of douches who hurt her pretty badly. She was unable to shake off the feelings of desperation and humilation and longing by herself, so she ended up getting a few sessions of short term therapy (after both of these guys) that did her a world of good. The therapist, because she was an “professional” rather than just one of us gals trying our best to help out, was the better route for her in the long run. Her therapist was able to give her some exercises and coping mechanisms and positive thinking tasks that made it easier for her to ditch her compulsive feelings for these guys and to stop blaming herself for the failures of these particular relationships. That might work for you too. Good luck to you : )

You will. Write down or type out a list of the things that were “lame” about him. Write/type a list of things you would have wished he’d been like or done. Read your lists at least once a day when you get thoughts of the ex. This will train your brain to identify other lame traits guys, reducing the chance you’ll get infatuated with that sort again.

You will and know that this will NOT be the toughest thing in life that you face.

By your own account, you have moved on and done things that you never would have done had you still been together. You may not think of it this way now, but leaving you really was a blessing in disguise. Have faith in yourself. You will find someone who is truly deserving of what you have to offer. I think that spending some time with him would be helpful, because I truly believe that while he may be the same person, you have changed and that what was satisfying before will no longer be so.

Yes. It may take many years. Live your life and let that happen. One day someone will get your attention. I know you think your story is unique but it’s not. The world is full of people who are alone because it’s better than being with the wrong person. Good luck.

It seems to me that your pain from the breakup is now being used by your subconscious as a defense mechanism. If you are still smitten by the one who you gave your heart and soul to, then you cannot get that intensely close to anyone else, and thus are not at the risk of being hurt at that devastating level again. The possibility of seeing him again puts all your mechanisms in panic mode because they are based on a fantasy that he cannot possibly live up to combined with the renewed feelings of rejection seeing him will bring.

Though you are seeing someone, perhaps you are really just not ready for a serious relationship right now, and there is nothing wrong with that. The kind of breakup you described is one that scars the soul. Give yourself time and the right guy will be patient and draw out your heart without breaking it.

It took me two and a half years to get over Nick. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and to be honest, I still think about him every now and then.
Sometimes I think I see him. Every time I see a dorky leather jacket, soft brown hair, or someone inseparable with their guitar.
He’s coming back in five months time, and I’m still not sure.
Getting over the first person you ever loved, but it has to happen. Life goes on without him.
“Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you. Can’t you just let me be? So long my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. I should have known you’d bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do.” This song got me through so much.

Of course you will. It seems impossible at the moment, but like they say, time will heal everything.

@blueiiznh I’m aware that this isn’t the toughest thing that I’ll face in my life. But it’s what’s bothering me right now.

Try to be busy with other things/matters. It will helps.

@LeavesNoTrace From what I read in your OP it has been 2 years. I understand and am sorry you are still feeling all these emotions. I used that expression as a potential mantra to help you see the weight of this versus other things that can and will occur in a persons life and to try to not be paralyzed by it. I lost a very close longtime friend when I was in college and those words were told to me in an effort to help look at the big picture while I was in an initial grieving process.
I pray that you find peace with it soon.

@blueiiznh I know what you’re saying for sure in terms of keeping things in perspective. this isn’t the most stressful thing to happen in my life but it’s still kind of pain in the a**. Knowing he’s going to be in town tomorrow hasn’t paralyzed me necessarily but I’ll admit some of the feelings it’s brought up for are difficult to swallow.

We’re from a very small area and have some common friends so it’s unlikely I can avoid this person for the rest of my life. My friends won’t let me hide in the house and we tend to go to small, local bars so I’m kind of bracing myself to run into him.

I understand that he had a lot of qualities I’m better off without in my life. (stubborn, sometimes kind of boring, maybe a little narcissistic, I could go on…haha) But for some reason, the way I felt around him made me really fall for him and sadly it’s been unresponsive to logic. He’s the only person I had ever felt that way around and I haven’t really found anyone who’s done that for me since.

I know two years isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of things but it feels like an awfully long time to still think of someone who kind of blew me off after an intense relationship like that. I think the rejection has been one of the hardest factors of this. No matter how well I do with my education and career or how many people validate me by taking my picture, I always think about the fact that I wasn’t enough for him. The girl he’s with now is kind of plain and masculine-ish but I’m still jealous of her because she’s the one sleeping next to him at night which is where I was happiest. I still sometimes torture myself mentally by wondering over and over again what I did wrong to make him leave since he refused to give me an explanation no matter how much I asked. I guess he didn’t want to “hurt” me by telling me which makes me think it was something disgusting and awful. I wonder if it’s because I was fat, or bad in bed or said something stupid…the list goes on. Another thing that hurts is that he was just so “nice” and professional about the breakup, like it didn’t even matter to him and leaving me was an easy choice. :’(

@LeavesNoTrace You sound very much like my friend. She is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, everybody thinks that, she kind of looked like a young Brooke Shields. But because this one guy fell out of love with her, she decided right then and there that she was fat and hideous and she must be at fault with some mysterious thing she might have said or done, or not said or not done.

The fact of the matter is that she and her ex-boyfriend got together, because they were both physically attracted to each other, when they were young and just starting college, but after they’d been together for awhile, even though she still loved him, they really didn’t have a lot in common. My friend was a very passionate person and was interested in art and music and spending quality time with friends and just being a very outgoing person and being loyal and loving and wanting to create a life with this guy. He on the other hand liked her because she was hot/beautiful and paid a lot of attention to him, but in the long run, he wasn’t looking to get married or have a monagamous relationship with anyone (even though, theoretically he was in a monogamous relationship with her) and he had no interest in the things that were important to her, but he was very interested in living a lavish lifestyle, making lots of money, and being free to do whatever he felt like, whenever he felt like doing it. She had supported him 100% in every endeaver he was involved in. He didn’t do the same for her. But because she was so in love with him, she tried to overlook his shortcomings and made lots of excuses for him. He didn’t even have the decency to break up with her. He just started cheating on her, with someone she described as being very plain and kind of fat. When she found out about it, he had no explanation other than to say that the other girl just came onto him and he didn’t know whether or not he wanted to work it out with my friend. He had no answers, no explanations, no nothing. She suffered a lot of anxiety and depression for close to 2 years (during which time he continued to date the other girl and not tell my friend whether or not he wanted to work it out with her or break up with her). So instead of screaming at him and telling him what a douche he was, she took all the blame onto herself. She decided that it must all be her fault, because she couldn’t fathom any other reason why he would do this to her, unless she was simply a disgraceful and disgusting human being that he just couldn’t take anymore.

The sad part was that a few of our nice mutual male friends had harbored long time crushes or even felt love for her, but she laughed them off and thought that they were beneath her and did not give any of them the chance to be a boyfriend to her. So even though she, herself was hurting, she actually hurt a few people’s feelings as well.

She pined away for this guy for almost 2 years before she decided to seek the help of a therapist. She had completely convinced herself that she was un-loveable, a hideous beast and not worthy of any decent guy loving her, when in reality, her ex-boyfriend simply fell out of love with her because they didn’t have much in common (over time) and he was too lame to actually discuss it with her. For him, it was just easier to cheat and then give her some lame, half assed answer as to why he didn’t want to be with her anymore.

The moral of the story is that sometimes, you will never know the real reason for why anyone falls out of love with you, and they themselves may not even know the answer themselves. Believe me, if you are actually hideous or mean or stupid, people will come out of the woodwork to tell you. Your ex-boyfriend probably fell out of love with you because you didn’t have as many things in common as you had hoped or believed you did. Or he realized that your life goals were not the same as his. Most young men cannot even begin to verbalize these things. Plus, being young, most males are pretty happy/excited to try out new women, especially ones that throw themselves at them (ugly or beautiful, doesn’t matter, because they’re only temporary). And being young, people’s idea of what they think they want, changes over time.

Until you stop blaming yourself for this guy leaving you, you will not be able to get over it. You have to accept that he fell out of love with you and it doesn’t matter what you did or did not do, it was inevitable (unless you tell me that you killed one of his family members or something).

I know exactly what it is like to feel love for someone, long after they have left and started a new life. It’s a horrible, desperate feeling. Please tell me that you are planning to talk to a professional, as soon as the Thanksgiving holidays are over with. Sometimes just talking with your friends and family is not enough, because they simply cannot relate and they will just tell you to get over it. A good therapist, with some very short term therapy can do wonders for you. They can give you the mental tools to be able to cope with this situation in a different manner than you’ve been doing, although it sounds like you’ve done a lot to help yourself, already. Sometimes you just need this extra boost from a professional to get you out of your rut. I hope that you feel better, but don’t expect to shoulder this all by yourself.

@LeavesNoTrace You are mourning his absense, and that some else has what you thought at one time would be your future. That other girl is in your place. Even if he is a total fuckhead, he still was part of your every day (even if he lived away from home) and so it is still a loss. Even people who are kept against their will in kidnapping type situations typically suffer from Stockholm syndroms and miss or wat to protect their captures to some extent. Being emotional about someone who did not treat you well, but you had a long relationship with is not unusual. Have you gone through all the stages? Missing him, really being very angry, and then moving on? Meanwhile, even if you are basically over him, this possible chance seeing him is just a blip on the emotional roller coaster, you will probably go right back to normal life in a few days and feel better.

This is what you do. Look him up again in about 28 years, after everyone has been married and divorced and then, date him again. You’ll realize in 6 months WHY it didn’t work the first time. Worked for me after harboring a secret fantasy of ” what if” for about a million years.

The sex was still amazing, but everything else about him was the same. haha

It is very possible for you to get over him. It’s also not a good idea to be living in fear of leaving your own home out of fear of running into him. That will just make your feelings stronger. Fight that fear and get out there. That kind of fear is unhealthy and will eat away at you if you don’t put a stop to it.