If I wasn’t directly affected by it, I wouldn’t say anything but would limit my own kids’ contact with the child in question. What I’d say to the parent would depend on how well I knew the person and whether or not I thought anything I’d say would be listened to.
When I worked in daycare, part of my job involved talking to parents about behaviors we couldn’t accept in the classroom. Knowing how to address a situation made a big difference. I would never call a parent and say, “Joey is such a brat at school. What do you do at home that makes him such a problem for us? He hits kids, throws toys, bites, and screams or whines like a baby when he doesn’t get his way!” What parent wouldn’t get defensive?! Instead, I’d start off by mentioning some positive things about the child. Then I’d say, “Joey has some difficulties getting along with his peers and transitioning from one activity to another. Does he do any of these things at home?” Then I’d ask how the parents address those situations and what works for them. Usually by this time I’ve come up with a behavioral plan for the child and I’ll tell the parent about it. In five years, I never had a parent react badly to such a conversation. It all depends on your tone and choice of words. Now, getting the parents to change their ways at home can be another issue, but at daycare we were always successful at getting the child to improve behavior while at school. Even when the parents could see that our methods worked, they sometimes insisted on not changing their ways at home which is something I never understood.
My daughter has a friend whose parents do things in ways that completely baffle me. When it affects me or my daughter, I have to say something to the girl’s parents but so far it doesn’t seem to have accomplished anything. They are the kind of parents who are always running very late and tend to forget to pick their daughter up from after school activities. The daughter is a nice kid, but I have to be careful about every relying on her parents and it drives me crazy. One afternoon, this other mom offered to pick both girls up from school so they could hang out. I had to be someplace and wasn’t home when school let out. Later I found out the mom was over an hour late. The girls walked to our house, then walked to my in-laws’ house, then were finally able to get the mom on the phone. I was livid. When the mom brought my daughter home, she was very apologetic. I didn’t tell or act mad at her, I just calmly said, “I told the girls they should stay in one spot and call me if they are stuck at school. I could have been home in five minutes. From now one, why don’t we just plan for the girls to walk to our house after school and I’ll make sure I’m home?” She understood I wouldn’t be trusting her to pick my child up from school again. She has also told her daughter to just walk to our house after a school activity if she can’t pick her up on time but without asking me. This happened a couple of times where the girl would show up at our door unexpected. Not a big deal, but what if no one was home? One afternoon she showed up as we were getting ready to leave. Another day I almost missed an appointment because the mom was so late picking her up, I had to drive her home. Nine out of ten times, the parents are very, very late picking the girl up. I did two things about it. I told the mom they should always call if the girl needs to come over after school to make sure we’re home. I also decided to firmly insist on driving the girl home myself instead of relying on the parents to pick her up on time. I’ve told the mom how her actions affected us, but she either can’t change her bad habits or doesn’t care to try.
If you decide you must talk to the parent in the situation you described, being direct and negative will automatically trigger the parent to be defensive. If you think the child is doing these things but you don’t actually know, be very, very careful how you proceed. If the parent is a friend of family member, think about how your relationship will be affected. Try to act in the best interest of the child, use a calm tone and carefully plan how you will word your phrases to achieve what you want without the conversation turning into an argument about blame.
If you think a child is in danger or there is some kind of abuse, contact authorities.