When should you say something about someones drinking habits?

I think she should think seriously about being involved with him. It sounds like he may be an alcoholic.

I don’t know the young man in question, so I can’t speak about whether he’s an alcoholic or not. I happen to be a recovered alcoholic, and I can say this with surety: it does no good to talk to an alcoholic about how much they are drinking. It only creates resentment and anger.

If I were in your situation, I would tell my friend to watch and learn and be ready to leave should the drinking appear out of control in the least bit.

In one sentence you say ”she’s a big advocate of ” do what you do” and does not want him to change”. Then in another sentence “The only thing that bothers her is that he drinks every day.”
It would behoove her to say something now before the relationship evolves.

If it were me I would never date that guy. She certainly should not keep her mouth shut if it bothers her. She needs to let him know she finds it excessive, his answer will let her know whether to continue dating him. Either he will reduce his drinking, or defend his drinking.

Let’s skip the issue on whether the guy is an alcoholic or not. If your friend is basing this on his one visit to see her, it really is not enough evidence. Potential alcolholism is a whole other discussion.

If the friend has a “Do what you do” view of life and has no desire to change another’s behavior, why is she concerned about his possible drinking habit? It sounds as if she may be getting a reality check on her philosophy, at least when it comes to a partnership. While another person may inspire another to change their own habits, it takes the motivation of that person to carry it out.

Unless the move has little or nothing to do with her, she needs to speak up now. Please encourage her to do so.

It wouldn’t do for her to speak to him “about his drinking habits”, but what might be at least tolerable, if no less effective, would be to talk to him “about her feelings about his drinking”. Saying “I think you drink too much” is judgmental and could easily start a fight that doesn’t need to be started. Saying “I’m uncomfortable about how much you drink” would put him on notice that she has concerns, and if he does nothing to modify his habits over time (because really, if he was visiting her on vacation and drinking during the vacation, don’t a lot of people do that normally, and then revert back to little or no drinking otherwise?), then it’s grounds to refuse to pursue the relationship with him.

As with anything else in a relationship your partner can’t read your mind, if you have an issue with something, you have to speak up. If it’s an issue for her she needs to talk to him about it and if they can’t come to a solution she’ll either have to accept it or walk.

I’d also suggest she not get involved in a relationship if she has serious reservations about the other persons behavior from the beginning. Thinking you’ll somehow, magically, change them is just begging for pain and disappointment.

I wouldn’t say anything. I would deal with behaviors. It’s not the drinking that is the problem. But it could be the smell, or the yelling or abuse. Those are the problems in a relationship. The drinking may or may not be a concern for her boyfriend, but it isn’t her concern.

Her concern is how he acts towards her. If she believes she can handle herself whatever he does, and pull out of the relationship if she stops liking what he does, then fine. If she wants to fix him, then the relationship will not work and she will get into deep trouble.

You can’t fix someone else. You can only fix yourself. She needs to be the best person she can be with him. That means taking care of herself. As long as that is her priority, then his drinking doesn’t matter. The instant he starts doing bad stuff, then she addresses that, not his drinking. If he can’t stop the bad stuff, she needs to be prepared to make an exit. It’s really pretty simple.

If it bothers her, she needs to make a decision on her own behavior and reaction. And then she needs to stick to her decision. Then she can talk to him about how she feels about it and how his drinking makes her feel.

And then if they agree to something, then she needs to be strong in keeping that boundary.

When they start drinking others’ humdrum drinks when hawking around half empty tables.

Those drinks and cigarettes cost money. They also cost brain cells and health. Does she really want a long term relationship with someone who will drain bank accounts on that?
I’d tell her to run! ............ But she won’t.
She’ll keep giving him money, time, effort, and unrequited love until there is no more to give. Sad.