What is consensual sex exactly?

In America I would say it is defined as two adults agreeing to have sex. Also, in the definition, although it varies by state, typically a 16 year old can consent to sex if the other person is less than 4 years older. So a 16 year old and a 25 year old in most states cannot have consentual sex, it would be considered statutory rape.

If you had no idea what was going on I would say you did not have consensual sex. Was it a boyfriend of yours? How old are you?

Wow, that does not sound consensual. Even not knowing what the sex act was, you were uncomfortable. Did you say no? Did you push him away? Did you want to say no, but were afraid to?

When did this happen? You need to talk to someone. A teacher, a counselor or law enforcement.

Welcome to Fluther.

Agreeing to one sex act is not agreeing to all sex acts. If it hurt or bothered you to the point of tears, and your partner ignored your pleas, then it may even be sexual assault. But it was not consensual.

At the very least you need to talk to your partner and tell him he needs to communicate with you on what he wants and how he would like it, and that he needs your agreement. And that No means No, and Stop means Stop.

And this conversation should not be in the bedroom, or even in the home, but when you are in the car or out to dinner or on a walk.

Thanks for your answers guys. It happen when I just turned 16. I live in ny, and I think consent is 17 here. And yess I was afraid. I almost passed out a few mintues later. It was just awful.

How old are you now? Has the statute of limitations expired? He is probably out there assaulting other young girls and convincing them they consented.

That’s probably not consensual sex. It’s tough though. Unless you told him you didn’t want to do it, you can’t expect him to read your mind. Now any normal man would figure you didn’t like it and stop, but there are a lot of guys out there who don’t really care about the women they are with.

In any case, it sounds like you were there with him willingly. That’s consent. But being there to have sex is not consent for everything. At any moment when you no longer want to do whatever it is, then there is no longer consent. All that remains is informing him that you do not consent.

Unfortunately, in the real world, this is not how most people interpret consent. They will tell you that if you didn’t want that to happen, you should never have been there in the first place. There’s a question about a specific example of this somewhere on fluther. A woman was drunk and changed her mind and most people didn’t think she had any right to complain.

But if you don’t have want to do something, you no longer consent. Just because you consent to one thing, doesn’t mean you consent to a whole set of things. Personally, I think that at the very least you were abused, based on what you have described. I would not be uncomfortable calling it rape.

Consensual means you know what’s going to happen, and you want it to happen.

If you’re confused about what’s going on and it doesn’t feel right, you need to ask your partner to stop immediately. What happened to you does NOT sound consensual in any way, and it really makes me want to bitchslap that asshole for putting you through that.

I wouldn’t call him “her partner.” he’s her assailant.

Im 18 now. And gawd no, I didnt want him over for sex. i was so naive back then. i just wanted us to be alone and talk, watch tv, or even touch each other, but once it started I started to feel uncomfortable. He had to see it I was so tense. I think he was just too horny to see.

@BaileyMarie There’s also general perceptiveness to consider. Many guys aren’t. Just sayin’, folks. And I’ll grant that many guys are also pond scum.

The absence of “yes” means “no.”

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

The only thing that’s “consensual” about your age is that the law determines that you don’t even have the moral / intellectual maturity or capacity to “consent” if you are less than the legal age for your state. That is, if your age is “X” and the “age of consent” in your state is “X + something”, then you literally cannot consent, because you’re not old enough, no matter how much you say you want it.

And it’s not that your rapist – if we’re going to call a spade a spade here – was “so horny that he didn’t notice” your reaction, he was simply too selfish to care. I see that I’m not the first one with that reaction.

Welcome to Fluther.

Many guys that age can’t see beyond their own pleasure. They have no clue what the woman is feeling and that is probably because they don’t even care. Frankly, I don’t get it—it’s as if men are trained that love is bad. Certainly we get trained that feelings are bad.

Your rapist thought he was doing what is normal. Women are supposed to feel uncomfortable. They like it that way, is probably what he was thinking. Or he just didn’t notice.

I’m sorry you went through this. I hope it doesn’t make you distrust all men. I hope you can feel you can say no and expect to be heard in the future. If you advocate for yourself strongly, you don’t have to let men have their way. For many girls, who have been brought up not to say no, this is a hard thing to learn. But you must give yourself permission to protect yourself. What happened to you was wrong.

My heart aches that you spent the last two years wondering if you “consented.” This was not your fault. I will repeat, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT That piece of scum took advantage of an innocent child and attacked, assaulted, even raped you.
For you, you have to decide if you will spend the rest of your life as a victim or a proud survivor. Not yelling rape could have saved your life. I know it did mine when I was that age in a similar situation. The guy had just gotten out of jail and if I would have yelled rape I know I would have been killed that night.
You are an overcomer. Don’t allow his abuse to continue by doubting yourself. You are way stronger than him.

@CWOTUS Some states have “closeness in age” exceptions, usually three years.

@BaileyMarie How old was he? It makes a big difference in NY.

Thank you guys. This help clear my mind a bit. I’m going to speak to my parents about this tonight. :/ Maybe even go back therapy. He was 19….turning 20.

@BaileyMarie I think speaking to your parents and talking with a therapist is a great idea.

In New York state, that was statutory rape. Would have been even if you had consented. I’m so glad you’re going to talk to your parents. Good luck, dear.

@BaileyMarie Why did you not know what was going on, did you not have any idea what intercourse was at the time? I am not saying this is your fault in any way, he took advantage of you, but at 16 I would think you would know what was going on. I also think at 16 I can completely understand not knowing how to stop what is happening, and not expecting to suddenly have someone having forceable sex with you. He had an incredible advantage over you being 19/20, as you probably realize now just being 18 yourself and having more awareness than when you were 16. This is exactly why there are statutory rape laws.

Too horny is bullshit. Good men, and by 20 he certainly should know better, make sure the woman/partner is ok with going further. If you were nervous you were not responding in a way that tells him you are ready, and he just did not care.

Most men will not do something like this, don’t let the event make you too untrusting, or feel less powerful. That guy was a fuckhead, it has nothing to do with anything you did. And, please don’t let the label statutory rape make you feel victimized forever. I know some people might be upset with me for saying this, but I know many people who had things like this happened, and the ones who treat the event like a crappy thing that happened but move forward do much better than those who seem to dwell on the event and label themselves as being a rape victim. I think it is a good idea to tell your parents and/or get some therapy, but if the therapist is making you feel worse instead of better change therapists. There are some scary therapists out there and some great ones, sometimes you need to shop around.

This is actually more than just statutory rape, because it was nowhere close to consensual.

@JLeslie good advice ^ there ^.

@JLeslie, you said way more articulately what I was trying to say.

@JLeslie I grew up in a Christian home..sex isnt exactly a topic talked about. It was just bad, but ey never told us what it was. Thanks for the advice..everyone thanks. I just told my mom and brother…I’m going to wait to tell my father.

@BaileyMarie I see. I hope your parents are supportive and help you get any help you might want or need.

Let’s look at the facts here. You were 16 and he was 19. If he was 21 that would clearly be 130.25 Rape in the Third Degree
DAs love these cases because all they need to do is show the birth certificates and they get credit for locking away a predator /sex offender. That looks good around election time.

He was 19 so you will have to prove: “3. He or she engages in sexual intercourse with another person without such person’s consent where such lack of consent is by reason of some factor other than incapacity to consent.”

You will have to face some tough questions to prove that one. You knew he was 19. Why were you dating a guy so old? Why weren’t you dating classmates your own age? You admitted you wanted to be alone with him, and “even touch each other”. What did you think would happen?
Those are just examples.

You now have two choices: You can be a victim. Or you can face facts, learn from it and be a stronger person that you ever were.

I wish you the best.

Im definately not going to file charges. I dont want to deal with courtrooms and attorneys. I just want to move forward. My mother wants me too file, but I should be able to choose if I’m 18 now. I appreciate the legal advice. I just dont think I can handle the hassle of it.

A family friend who was over 21, had consensual sex with a 16 year old 10 days before her 17th birthday. She was much more experienced than he, by the way, and had been chasing him for months. But in NY that does not matter. It is not considered consensual if you are below 17. They were doing it in a public place and were caught. He was charged, found guilty, and is now on a Sex Offender list for life. Destroyed his life. What a waste.

I am not a lawyer and cannot offer legal advice, but, a swift kick in the balls does seem like an appropriate penalty. As does spreading the word to all your friends about this guy’s lack of character. Don’t embellish. Just state facts.

@worriedguy I don’t see how she could prove anything it would be a he said she said. I don’t think anyone here was suggessting she go to the police, I wasn’t. It is two years later now, there is no physical evidence and he can just deny it, or say she wanted it. The prosecution could argue she is from a deeply religious family and she is lying to save face with her family, etc. I don’t think the DA would ever take the case to trial. The only good thing about reporting it is if there are multiple reports he has done the same to many other girls. I think @BaileyMarie should just concentrate on herself and sort out what happened, and hopefully move forward. I fear for her ability to trust men and her ability to enjoy sex; not to mention some women really question their whole being, adds to insecurities and depression. Hopefully, she has not been greatly affected.

@BaileyMarie Does this guy live near you, do you still run into him?

@JLeslie I’m with you. I was not suggesting she take it to trial either. It would be pointless.
On the other hand telling all her friends might prevent someone else from suffering the same consequences.

You can tell the way I was leaning from my closing sentence. I wrote: “You now have two choices: You can be a victim. Or you can face facts, learn from it and be a stronger person that you ever were. I wish you the best..”

I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether or not I was kidding about the kick in the nuts. ;-).

That is exactly why I never want to go to court. I dont want to be called a liar :/ I know what happen, and the safest thing for me emotionally would be therapy. I already feel better after I told my family. And he does live in the area, but Im not sure if he still does. He probably went back home or was deported (he was here illegally).

@BaileyMarie It’s good to hear you already feel better, that your family was helpful.