How should I respond to this "flirting"?

I’m old, but this doesn’t seem like “flirthing” to me—it seems too over the top for that. My opinion only—but if the younger crowd has a different opinion, I’d be curious how one can ever distinguish flirting from actual engagement. The language looks the same to me.

In the exchange you’ve provided, “him” provides the more provocative language, but “her” seems to play along.

If this is important to you, and I have to believe it is or you wouldn’t be asking, you should reaffirm her commitment to you and restate your desires around this type of engagement. This can probably be done in a non-confrontational way, but if you need to out her, do it!

Thats not kinda flirting. That is a lot more so. Given what you’ve said about her in the past I would be seriously questioning this and considering moving on to someone else.

At the beginning of my relationship, I got in trouble for flirting like that. My partner found out, we discussed it, I stopped flirting and we worked on our relationship.

It is disrespectful towards you and she needs to stop. Something isn’t right and you need to talk to her about it again. I wouldn’t put up with it.

That’s more than just flirting. That’s open desire for each other.

And if she “accidentally” left it on the screen for you to see, she wanted you to see it. It’s likely that she wants you to be the heavy and break up with her so she doesn’t have to feel guilty about breaking up with you.

@HungryGuy Well she uses my laptop and I’m usually on my desktop, so most of the time she is the only one who actually touches it.

@picante It’s not so much the playing along the bothers me, it’s how she pretty much said she would cuddle him, which is definitely crossing the line for me. Being willing to do something like that makes me trust her less.

I think the most mature thing would be to bring to her attention that you know it’s happening, and ask how she would feel if you had a similar conversation.

It strikes me as unlikely that she thinks this kind of behavior is ok. Many people, women in particular, have a tendency to avoid confrontation—she might have felt like this level of flirting was acceptable, and preferable to having to say to the guy, “Come on, quit it.”

Regardless of her intentions, I think if you go in guns blazing and throw ultimatums at her, she’s more likely to tell you what you want to hear than have an open dialogue with you. Why not just talk about your relationship, what your and her boundaries are, and see if you can come to a mutual understanding?

@nikipedia I actually have posed the “how would you feel” question before in the past and she says, “It wouldn’t bother me as long as you don’t cheat on me.” I didn’t just throw out an ultimatum, it was just the last straw after attempting to convince her that it wasn’t right for weeks.

I’ll attempt to actually talk it out. I have a couples hours until she’s off work to calm my mind a bit.

Trust is a very fragile gift. I think that when someone truly loves someone, there is no need or desire to be intimate (in any form) with anyone but them. Otherwise, why even be together?

It sounds as if you consider this online conversation, as well as the previous one that your brother discovered, as flirting. On top of that, she has a history with this guy. She may not feel that this behavior is wrong, but it clearly bothers you. Thus, it’s time for another discussion.

You’ve already gone the, “If I did this, how would it make you feel?” route and got her answer. It seems like the only two options are:

1.} Let her know that this behavior envokes feelings of distrust about her feelings towards you and see what she has to say. Is she willing to stop? Will you trust her if she says that she will?
2.) Break up and tell her why. There doesn’t seem to be any harm in this option. Each of you feel differently about something that is important to you. That’s big when it comes to a partnership.

If I said something like that, it would indicate a serious interest in the person I was chatting with. If my wife saw that, she should draw the message that our marriage is not giving me some things that are pretty important to me. She should be seriously worried.

Now there are many reasons why your gf could be having all these relationships online. It could be she isn’t getting something from you. It could be that she has self-esteem problems. She might want to destroy your relationship because she is convinced it will end anyway, and she’s just lining up someone to run to when the inevitable happens.

She could let you see this because she is tired of waiting for you to break up with her, and she wants to make it happen, but not by her. Usually this kind of thing is done by people with low self-esteem who don’t believe they are truly lovable and that every lover they have will eventually catch on that they are worthless. The fooling around is a demonstration of that.

I don’t know what’s going on with her. ALl I have is speculation. You do have to talk and it is probably going to require therapy, both as a couple and individually, for things to get figured out. I think she needs therapy whether she is with you or not. There’s something going on with her. I don’t think you should hold out too much hope for this relationship unless she starts understanding herself a lot better. Maybe she is not monogamous and needs several relationships.

If you want to help her, you’ll have to withhold judgment of her behavior, and that will be almost impossible to do. Otherwise, react as you feel, and probably the relationship will end, and that may be the best thing that could happen. But for her sake, I hope she gets therapy.

Well, I guess the ultimatum thing didn’t work so well for so long, did it? And you can’t count on your brother finding out what you need to know, or being lucky enough to catch her conversations in plain sight on your laptop, either.

So here’s what I would do:

“I don’t want you to be my girlfriend – or pretend to be – out of pity or obligation or convenience or not being able to have the guy you really want. If you want to be with him or talk to him, then feel free to be with him or talk to him. But I’m not going to share you in that way. Choose him or choose me; I have no chains on you, and you’re free to be with whom you choose. Just grant me the respect and decency to make your choice in the open and let me know what’s up. Don’t sneak around on me. It makes me feel small and foolish – and angry – and it makes you seem cheap and devious. Those aren’t good roles for us to play, and I won’t play that.”

Is the “him” in this case her ex? If so, disregard what I’m about to say.

There is a possibility that this is harmless. One of my best buddies here is a gay guy, and I can totally imagine having this type of chat with him, hearts and all. If he were feeling down or sick or something, and needed virtual cuddling, I’d do it, you know?

That’s definitely more than flirting. I would get rid of her right away. She has obviously betrayed your trust again after agreeing not to.

How old is she? Looks like she still wants to mess around and is not quite ready for a serious relationship. This is only one conversation you’ve come accross but who knows how many more she’s had with this guy or others. You’re totally getting disrespected here and I hope you don’t continue to take this from her. I would NEVER talk like that with another guy while I am already in a relationship with someone. Flirtation leads to cheating and that’s what’s going to happen if you let her treat you this way. You need to take action right away and let her know that her behavior is completely out of line. You deserve better.

Run along to a new lady.