Is this sexual assault?

This was undoubtedly sexual assault and your ‘friend’ shouldn’t have done that. If it was done with your consent it would be different. You should have reported it at the time and maybe you still should as it might prevent him assaulting other girls. Sorry this happened to you, it wasn’t your fault.

Absolutely.

The little word you are looking for is rape.

The question is, what would you like to do about it? How is talking about it online with strangers “closure”?

Can’t you speak to your parents about it? At least a friend, a teacher – someone.

And if you were to press charges – you might stop someone else from getting raped.

It’s a lot, I know, but then you brought it up.

Remember: we only know what little you’ve shared.

You were raped. You probably need some therapy to deal with all of the feelings of violation.

Yep. Rape. I’m glad you weren’t damaged beyond what you were. I suspect he’s done this many times before because of the smooth way he operated. know it’s been a long time, but go get checked for STD’s anyway. Just so you know for sure.

In the future never ever show a guy your bedroom. It’s the most intimate place in your home aside from the bathroom. That was your first mistake. Failing to report it was the second, because other young women are probably still dealing with him, but hopefully he’s behind bars.

If you said yes you wanted to stop, and he kept going… then in my book that qualifies.

I would say you should have spoken up more vehemently about your wishes… (when a guy is horny, it can take a firm “NO” to kick off the motor)... but if he asked and then you said no… yah I stop in that situation.

No question… that was a sexual assault.

“No” means NO, in any language. I don’t give a damn HOW “frustrated” the guy is, or if he doesn’t believe that you really meant “no.” Now, could you have done things differently? Of course. But you were young and inexperienced, and it was not your intent to “lead him on.”

Sure it was. Since it was a while ago and depending on his age and yours at the time, I would worry more about sorting out your feelings – in therapy if possible – than about reporting him, although you may want to confront him as part of your healing. It will help you have happier sexual relationships later on if you can get this worked through. Good luck!

You said you wanted to stop, and he didn’t stop. That is rape. :/

Oh boy, thanks guys. @tedd kick off motor? I dont think being horny is a valid excuse. I was molested multiple times before this and those guys couldnt control themselves because they were horny. A person cant go around and take what he wants because he’s horny..thats not responsible. That’s disgusting. :/

@KaiyaLee You did nothing wrong. It was rape. If you didn’t want the guy to do something and he did it, he’s wrong. A simple no should have sufficed, not some kick off motor. That is totally disgusting.

@Adirondackwannabe true. Even if I didnt say no he should have known by my actions or lack of it. I was so tense, he had to sense it. It doesnt take a genius to feel if a person is uncomfortable. If your human you’ll know human emotions. He choosed to ignore me and think about himself.

@KaiyaLee He was a selfish pig and he treated you wrong. Don’t beat yourself up, although I’m sure you have. You’re pretty strong to express this openly. Not all guys are jerks, but there are way too many.

@KaiyaLee I don’t mean it in a sense of molestation or rape, you’re definitely not getting what I’m meaning here….............

What I mean… speaking from my own experience. If I’m putting the moves on a girl and things are getting hot and heavy… her simply having an unsure look on her face isn’t exactly a signal that she doesn’t want to go on. A NO is. In your scenario if I were the guy and we had reached the point of intercourse and I asked if you wanted to stop, your yes would’ve been enough to stop me (or for that matter the crying woulda done it before I even asked). But “I dunno” or just casually stopping me with your hands or something (which girls have done with me in the past) just says to the guy… “lets make out more first” ... When we’re horny we can’t read signals we need firm definite YES and NO directions.

Because you gave one, and he ignored it, is why I would classify this as rape.

I have actually experienced the complete reverse of this scenario. I was with a girl once, and things were getting “heavy” ... and I realized I was the one pushing to move on to more stuff… and she appeared uneasy. So I stopped, and I even felt good about myself for not taking advantage of an unsure girl.

Come to find nearly 6 months later, she was horny as hell and went home pissed off that I didn’t have sex with her.

@tedd when “we” are horny we cant read signals. Im sorry but not all guys are like that. Just because you have extra equipment doesnt mean you should have the benefit of the doubt,

I get horny too! But you dont see me pushing myself all over an unwillingly guy because I wanted to satisfy myself. You know why? Because its called self control, if a person doesnt have self control and acts like an animal thats not cool. And I commend you for stopping w/ that with that girl.

Its a matter of self control because you’re not having sex w/ urself there is another person in the room.

I agree with people’s assessment here. I think you would find therapy very helpful. I think it would be good to ask yourself how come you end up with so many guys who won’t respect you. You probably want to learn how to figure out who these guys are so you don’t date them any more.

I’ve known other women who have patterns of behavior like this. Some of them have had to learn to appreciate themselves better so that they think they are worth taking care of. They don’t believe they have a right to what they want. They think they are not worth taking care of, and must cater to the boys they are with. This pattern is far too common, and these feelings make it very difficult for you to fight for yourself.

This does not excuse guys. They need to actively seek permission and make sure you both are on the same page. They don’t in some cases. And they keep on going because they don’t believe you really mean it.

@tedd was disturbed that he missed a chance for sex. Well, I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t push forward because I didn’t think the girl and I were on the same page. I know that in some of those cases, I could probably have had some pretty wild sex, and I may even have earned the disrespect of the women for not doing so.

But I’ll take that. I do have some regret for missing those chances, but overall I’m glad I erred on the cautious side. I don’t have anything to dunn myelf for on the abusive side. For me, it’s more important to avoid abuse than it is to make sure I don’t miss any sex opportunities.

So it goes.

@wundayatta Ive never felt like I needed to take care of him. I was molested as a child so I didnt really have much of a choice. I was brought up to not to say no or stand up for my rights because doing so is worthless. It will always be void or something worst will always happen. The best thing to do is be quiet and deal with it. Of course now I try not to think like that because its not true.

@KaiyaLee You are grossly mischaracterizing or misunderstanding what I am saying.

The way you were treated, is in no way acceptable. Becoming quickly intimate is one thing, ignoring an obvious request to stop and tears is a completely different thing.

I should have segregated my response, because I was trying to go on to point out that in many cases women don’t give clear signals as to what they want in an intimate situation, when a clear yes or no would settle it. There’s no benefit of the doubt involved, and the “extra-equipment” is irrelevant. No means no, yes means yes, and not saying anything at all can be interpreted in a multitude of ways, which to someone in a horny state of mind often means yes.

Hence the point I was trying to make…. there are tons of situations where girls don’t say no, and then later regret where things went.. I would not call those situations rape. You made blatantly clear your feelings and your wish to stop, and he ignored it… hence that is unequivocally rape.

@KaiyaLee I wish you the best in learning how not to think like that. It isn’t true. The best thing is to feel you can stand up for yourself. You can do that and perhaps just knowing that is enough, but in my experience, therapy also helps you accomplish that goal. I hope you have access to therapy. If not therapy, then some online support group where you can share your story, and you hear about the experiences of others and learn how they coped with it and developed a sense of self that supported them in advocating for their own best interests.

Many, many women are brought up not to say no. It is a tragedy because it leads so many to find themselves being unable to truly express their feelings when it is most important that they do so. Women are brought up to take care of men. Our culture is full of traditions that can be very damaging to women. Hell, there are many women who even buy into this and say it is the role they were given by God. They teach their daughters to do the same. They are afraid to stand up for themselves.

It is understandable. Men are bigger and stronger and have been trained they have a right to what they want. Many have been trained that women’s wishes don’t matter.

These things are only going to change individual by individual. I’m glad you are changing and I hope you are never hurt that way by a man again. I hope you are not hurt by your family, either. To prevent that, you need to learn many tools that can help. Ways of being strong and of advocating for yourself. As many as you can learn. I’m sure you have been doing that. I think there can never be too much help in situations like yours, so I encourage you to get as much as you can where ever you can.

You have asked for moral support and you are getting that. Ask for practical support, too. People here can probably give you a lot of good ideas.

@tedd I see what you mean. But a unclear signal is far from a yes, but also not a no. So I get it, but If a person is uncertain and looks uncertain and scared it should stop immediately. I know I would get turned off. Nope, I wouldnt call what happen in your case rape either just unwanted sex on her case.

@KaiyaLee Yah in a perfect world. My rule of thumb has always been that at the outset, when things are getting “heavy”... I will usually tell the girl, if I go to far, just tell me to stop.. You may end up having to tell me again 5 minutes later, but I will always stop.

But not every guy is as smart as me ( :D ) and thinks about the fact the girl may not be up for it, and then proceeds to completely misunderstand the non-verbal signals she is sending… as pretty much every man always does.

What are you doing about it?

@tedd No not in a perfect world in a self control world. How you handle your situtions is normal because you know your limatations.

@Ayesha & @wundayatta I’m gonna go back to therapy. And I hope I can heal.

@KaiyaLee I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. I truly hope that you’ll be able to heal and feel better again.
Can I ask why you’re not going to court with this and letting him get away with it?

@Ayesha legally he can be locked up because I was a minor, but I honestly cant sit and court and tell my story in detail like that. Especially since the guy’s lawyer is most likely gonna make me feel terrible. I cant do it. It’s really too much.

How long ago was it? I had the impression it was a while ago.

FYI, I have fought guys off when necessary. There are ways to make the message clear.

@KaiyaLee I’m so sorry for what you went through and then to have to deal with looking at that if you want to try to get some justice. This fucking sucks.

@KaiyaLee There may be a statute of limitations, and there would be some level of burden of evidence you would need to overcome.

If neither of those are an issue, I would push it in court. The lawyer or whoever may make you feel terrible, but I’d be willing to bet you’ll feel a lot better when it’s over…. plus then the raper can feel what it’s like being on the other end when he’s in prison. Rapists are not treated very kindly.

@janbb it was 2 years ago.
@Adirondackwannabe the only justice I really want is an apology…to be honest.
@tedd yeah, there is…I probably missed it by now

Yes.

@KaiyaLee Rape is someone having sex with you against your wishes.

But..I knew him…doesnt that make it different if I know him?

@KaiyaLee Most victims know the rapist.

You probably need to do some reading about sex and sexual issues. The Sexual Healing Journey is a good place to start. In the meantime, don’t put yourself in situations where you might be abused.

Yes.

Definitely is.