When is the right time to introduce your boyfriend?

I don’t think you should lie to your mom. I think you should say that you have been seeing him and how long.

just to clarify: she told me before that if i get to have a boyfriend before finishing college, she will pull me out of school and send me home.

Any time. I never made it a big deal to meet my parents. I really never understand when people make it a big deal. I understand if you are out of state you have not introduced him yet, it makes sense, but just introduce him as someone you are dating, no need for more explanation I would think.

@versatility18 Oh, well that little tidbit of information changes things. I would not introduce him, and lie to her.

What will you do when he asks for her approval and she says no? Personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea to put yourself or your boyfriend in such a situation. You already know she doesn’t approve of you having a boyfriend, so it seems like it’s best to avoid this introduction until a better time comes (such as when she doesn’t have the power over you that she seems to have now).

I wouldn’t introduce him to her just yet. It would probably just stress her out which will stress you out. What do you think will really happen out of this? Probably the guy will be grilled about who he is/what he does back wherever he’s from, your mom will grill you about how/where/when you met him and what your intentions are. All of this she’ll likely see as a threat to you completing college. She’ll ask her friends about long distance relationships and get all kinds of horror stories about already married men, cyber creeps, etc.

@Seaofclouds : you have a great point. So would you suggest waiting for my senior year (before/after graduation)? thanks so much!

@Neizvestnaya : You are right. It is quite tricky because at the same time, I fear that she would discover at some point and would be so hurt or would maybe pull me out of school… My boyfriend has been my friend for 5 years before we started dating so I guess he would understand the situation…(i hope)... thank you so much :)

@versatility18 Does your mom really have the power to pull you out of school and make you go back home? How old are you? Once your mom can no longer punish you for your decision to have a boyfriend, that’s when I would tell her. Until then, you can talk to her about her rules and see if she’ll change her mind, but I’d hold off on actually coming out and telling her you have a boyfriend as long as you believe she can/will pull you out of school. Good luck!

@Seaofclouds I think if she brings up the topic her mom will push her. She will ask why she is asking. Is there a boy she interested in? I don’t get the feeling the OP would be a good liar, so better to say nothing.

There is the possibility her mom says no boufriends as an empty threat of course, and the OP takes it more seriously than her mom intends.

@JLeslie Very true. I wouldn’t just talk about the “no boyfriend” rule, instead, I’d talk about all rules in a conversation that addresses the OPs increasing age/maturity and need for more independence.

@Seaofclouds : at the moment, she does not hold 100% power anymore because of my full scholarship. I’m almost 20 though… Thanks so much. I am sincerely grateful for your response.

Just a quick background why she started thinking about pulling me out of school:

I had a best friend for 5 years. We both applied for scholarship offers abroad and I was the only one who got one. Then, one time—she had a huge crush on this guy who ended up having a crush on me….Unfortunately, she got so angry. My former friend and her mom conspired to call my mom one day (while I was overseas studying already) to tell her that I was spending all her money during high school to buy “boyfriends”—which I didn’t have… So my mom started to have this bad image of me. I tried to tell my mom that—my friend was just jealous and wanted us to fight. But then, because my friend said something first—my mom believed it until now. So she started to become a lot stricter than before.

That’s why I’m just scared to introduce my boyfriend because she might think that he’s just one of them…but i also fear that she’ll (by accident or something) discover that i have a boyfriend—which might make her think that all that bad image of mine was—all this time—true. :( I am sorry if this is confusing…

My mom and I have never been close so I just never knew how to deal with this kind of situation without offending or hurting her. I tried controlling my feelings in the beginning to prevent myself from loving my boyfriend—it just didn’t happen. :(

@JLeslie : So all we need is just to wait for the right time then. Thank you so much. It’s just been bothering me for the past few days, especially that my boyfriend mentions that I should (maybe) start opening the topic up to my mom so that I could introduce him as my suitor then as my boyfriend so my mom wouldn’t feel too rushed or something. :) Thanks again!

@versatility18 Do you still live with your mom when you aren’t at college? If so, you have to deal with her rules while living under her roof. That can be tough. Does your mom have a lot of other rules you have to stick to? If so, perhaps you can talk to her about all of the rules in general and reminder her that you are an adult now and it’s time for you to start making your own decisions. Tell her you understand that some of your decisions may end up being mistakes and that it’ll be your responsibility to clean up your own messes, but the only way you’ll learn to deal with what life throws at you is to start really living your life. Good luck!

@versatility18 If you are not dependent on her to pay for school, I would not give a damn what she says at this point. You have a full scholarship, how in the world can she pull you out of school? Unless she pays for your apartment/dorm food and books? I am assuming you don’t live with her, that your school is outside of the city where your mom lives.

@JLeslie : she could come here and do something to convince the school—maybe. But, you are right. I agree. I work on-campus to save up for my books.She sends me some allowance to pay for my medicine (I always get asthma attacks) and that’s it. (just to clarify) are you saying that I should just introduce him and not care if she disapproves? :)

@Seaofclouds : When i’m not at the college (like this upcoming winter break), I stay under her roof. Otherwise, I live in a college dorm. She does have a lot of rules that I have to follow, especially because I’m the only girl in the family and that she’s afraid of losing control over me as she believes that if she does—she will lose me and that i won’t succeed in life. It’s been always hard to talk her into it because we were never close to be that open. (just to clarify) Then, would you still suggest introducing him now or should we just wait for that “right” time to avoid a stressful situation?

Your advice is very helpful. Thank you very much. :)

@versatility18 You know your mom better than I do, so only you can really judge how serious she is about the no boyfriend thing. Do you think she would possibly kick you out? If you think it’s more of an empty threat, then go ahead and tell her about him (alone at first). I wouldn’t have him meet her the first time you are telling her though, that way he doesn’t have to deal with her initial reaction. Perhaps you can try to focus the conversation on everything, not just the boyfriend. Point on the things you know she’s concerned about and show things that counter those things (like if she’s worried about you failing, point out that you are getting good grades (if you are) and so on). When you get to the boyfriend thing, I’d simply say, I know you are against me having a boyfriend because of _____, but I want to be open and honest with you and let you know that I have a boyfriend now and he would like to meet you (or something like that). Good luck.

@Seaofclouds : I can’t thank you enough. :) I really appreciate you taking time to help us sort things out in this situation. I am sincerely grateful. :)

How long is your long distance relationship? How far away is your boyfriend?

You have already hid this from your mother for waaaay too many months. She just wind up trusting your boyfriend much more than you. Its happened before.

Introduce him for what he his, your boyfriend, and explain why such a long wait before you have done so.

@john65pennington : just a few states away (CO and CA) and sometimes (a few thousand miles because I go back to the Philippines for summer/winter break while he’s at CA). :) Thank you. :) Your advice is appreciated! :)

I just wonder if she is half joking about the consequences she will impose, since she must know she can’t really do anything if she does not pay for your education, and you don’t live with her. I think she does think it best you don’t get distracted by a boy, and it goes without saying a pregnancy would not be a good idea right now.

You know your mom best, but at the same time, sometimes kids, even adult children, perceive their parents as angry or disapproving when the parent is only concerned and trying to advise.

It’s up to you really, I have never been in a situation where I had to keep secret or be dishonest with my parents about such a thing. You can act like you didn’t take her seriously and just call her and simply state you have started dating someone and can’t wait for her to meet him when you come home. I mean if it is a burden for you to keep the secret, to know you are hiding it from her, maybe you want to get it out in the open. But, if you truly believe she will be unreasonable and awful, I say keep it a secret. She created the atmosphere where you have to lie or keep secrets from her, because her expectations are completely ridiculous. I have a feeling she thinks her daughter would never lie to her. That since she is strict she always knows what is going on in your life. I will never understand the delusion that type of parent lives under. Maybe I am completely wrong about her.

Did she get pregnant as a teen or something? Or, get married when she was very young, and never pursued her own interests? Is she projecting her mistakes onto you?

@JLeslie : I am sincerely grateful for your advice. :) Thank you very much. :) I will keep your advice with @Seaofclouds ‘s. She got pregnant when she was 20 (and I’m almost 20) and got married when she was very young—and then the marriage did not work out for her so she had to raise 3 kids on her own.

Damn, don’t you hate when I am right about such things? JK.

If you decide to tell her, just reassure her your focus is on your studies and you are not her. That you want to be honest with her.

And, also, make sure you use birth control. Don’t take any stupid risks.

I think she is just being a protective parent in light of all the details.
Have an open conversation with her and ensure her that you will finish school and you will keep your grades the primary focus.
Building that trust is important for your relationship and proving that you are a responsible adult.
Best of luck.

@JLeslie : hahahhaha! :)) thank you so much and I will definitely keep those in mind! <3 thank yooouuu! :)

@blueiiznh : you are right. :) thank you so much. I will keep that in mind and will do that when the “right” time comes. :) :)

I’m not at all surprised to hear about your mother’s history, it explains much about her concerns of history repeating itself in your life and the threats she throws at you in an attempt to keep you on the straight and narrow…... just remember that you are not her, you are an adult, a separate person, it is your life, she cannot run it for you and to retain any sense of self-respect neither should you let her, in my opinion, any mistakes you might make (and we all make mistakes somewhere along the line) must be the result of your own decisions, no one else’s.

@Adagio :Thank you so much :) I am sincerely grateful for your response :)

Wait. He should understand – if he doesn’t, maybe you should reconsider the relationship. Your mom will come to her senses as you get older & she learns that she can trust you. You need to do what’s best for you right now… and if you are being responsible and really care for this boy, then just wait. No need to rush anything darling.

@SamIam The OP is 20 years old and has known the young man for 5 years, hardly rushing…

I meant with her mom, not the guy.

@SamIAm : thank you for your wonderful advice! I am sincerely grateful. :) It means a lot that you all took time to understand the situation. :) :) :)

If you’ve known each other as friends for 5yrs, is this a face-to-face friendship? Does your mom know who he is and like him as your friend? Maybe she’d be relieved someone she already knows and likes is your bf. Is he really supportive of your college?