Does anyone else find themselves very jealous of their partner's history, and if so how do you deal with that?

For the most I don’t like to know too much about my boyfriends romantic history as it makes me feel uncomfortable even though it was long before I came binto his life. I hate feeling jealous of something so irrational.

You need to tell yourself every time these feelings come up that the past is the past. Just as you are no longer interested in your exes, she is not interested in hers. It is you that she has chosen to be with.

You could also benefit from some therapy. because this is about you and your self image not really about your gf.

You do need to address this, because left alone it will eventually cause a rift in your relationship, which you don’t want to destry, do you?

You are a pretty logical person. Can you think through (or talk through with a trusted friend) why these things bother you? What is upsetting to you about the idea of her making out with people at a party? Why does it bother you?

I think that in many cases, jealousy is irrational, and based on fear and insecurity. It might be helpful to work on feeling more secure in your relationship and having more confidence in your girlfriend.

And I also think it’s ok to feel jealous sometimes. You don’t have to do anything about it. Just let it come and let it pass.

To be honest, I don’t see anything wrong with knowing how many partners your current partner had in the past. I don’t want graphic details, but personally I think it is important, not just for the relationship aspect of getting to know someone and their values, but for health reasons. I’d just talk to her about how I feel.

I was never much of a jealous type until I met my current husband. I’ve found myself having irrational jealous feelings with him, not so much about past sex experiences, but past love experiences. I think it’s because he’s the love of my life. Like, maybe I never cared quite so much about the other men in my life. Could that be the case for you, too? Maybe you just love this girl more than you’ve loved past GFs.

How I deal with it: I tell him about it, calmly. I tell him how I’m feeling and explain that I know it’s irrational, and that I’m not asking him to do anything about it (there is no need for him to defend himself, or to even feel defensive). Then, I get over it. :)

No, but probably because my own history has been quite colorful. I would resent anyone, however, that would EVER have a problem with what I’ve done in the past and try to shame me for it, in any way.

I’m a little jealous that my husband had a threesome with a past girlfriend and because he didn’t enjoy it, he refuses to have a threesome with me now. I’m desperate to try it, but I also try to understand his discomfort. It’s difficult sometimes, though.

I’m not really jealous of his past lovers though.

Like, @Simone_De_Beauvoir said. You shouldn’t try to shame anyone. I don’t think that is what he’s asking about though.

I think its normal to be a little jealous in a new relationship at first. Mostly because the feelings are intense and you fear losing the person. With time you will probably get over it. Just keep telling yourself that your new relationship is nothing like your previous one. Long distant relationship are really difficult for some people. Some people need to be physically connected with people to feel they are in a relationship. Obviously that was the case of your former relationship. If your current girlfriend also shares that need than you need not worry since your are both together. I would only be concerned if you were going to be apart for a long time and haven’t had time to build your trust in each other. Besides two years is a long time to carry a long distance relationship without it moving on to some sort of plans of a future together.

SInce leaving my marriage all of the women I have met have a sexual history over the course of many years (they’ve all been in their forties.) I’d have to go join a monastery if their previous experiences bothered me.

The important thing for me is making sure the woman I am dating is no longer in a relationship with anyone in her past.

Sure but I don’t think it’s beyond normal. Our histories are so different that we can’t relate much and so it’s best not to, makes it easier to focus on who we are as a couple and the lifestyle we have and want to create as time goes by.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir @bkcunningham Yah my goal is in no way to shame her for her history. Although I’m sure she may feel some inadvertent shame just because I’m questioning that past… But it’s most definitely not my goal, in fact if anything… I should be ashamed of my past. My questioning of her past is more just jealousy. Or maybe some kind of deep seeded anger feelings of imagining that playing out and knowing at one point it actually happened. A possessive thing almost. Which sucks because I’ve always prided myself on not being possessive. I had an underwear party in college and was proud to flaunt my g/f at the time in very risque lingerie… that didn’t bother me a bit.. yet here I am today…...

@tedd: Why don’t you bring it up to your gf you feel jealous or bothered sometimes. Admit it doesn’t have present bearing but you have moments just the same. She might admit she has moments too and then you guys can laugh it off, throw some irritation off.

@Neizvestnaya We’ve talked about it, as pointed out in the OP. I’m mostly just trying to understand myself here… as this is not how I’ve operated for most of my adult life.

@tedd, I think it is just part of the process of maturing. It is natural what you are feeling and I’m proud of you for exploring and trying to understand your feelings. You obvious have some pretty deep feelings developing for your girlfriend. Perhaps it is protective you are confusing with possessive; or a combination of both. I’m possessive of my husband to the extent that what we share emotionally when we are being physical isn’t something I want to imagine him sharing with anyone else.

I take it you wouldn’t flaunt your girlfriend around in a risque manner at a lingerie party?

@bkcunningham Current day, I dunno. The logical part of me right now is thinking what I thought back in the day with that X in college… “Oh it doesn’t matter, it’s just underwear, everyone else will be in it too, who cares?” But I’d be lying if I said I don’t have some of the same jealous feelings when thinking about it.

Your feelings aren’t so “juvenile” anymore, @tedd. I don’t mean that in a way to insult you. Not even close. She must be very special. Sounds like you are falling in love.

http://www.fluther.com/46658/does-your-partners-sexual-history-bother-you/

Maybe this will give you some more insight.

I am not currently with anyone, but I can totally understand how you can feel the way you do. It is perfectly normal! Who knows? Maybe she is even jealous of your past, but keeps it to herself!

I used to get very, very jealous and wonder about boyfriends pasts. I wouldn’t always bring my worries and fears up with them. I knew that “the past is the past”, but that doesn’t change that it still happened. That didn’t change my feelings. That didn’t change that I wanted to be his first this, his first that, etc. That didn’t change that I wanted to feel special and like I was the only one he had ever felt that way about. I have managed to get past this (I think) ... and you might be able to get past your issue as well.

With my last ex-boyfriend, it was quite simple. The girl he seemed head over heels in love with before me actually added me to Facebook and we became quite acquainted with each other over time. This helped me see her in a new light. Here she was, a REAL person, with a REAL personality. She was so sweet and ever so nice. It helped me understand. She also admitted that she had been jealous of me. Weird! This was a wake up call to me. She is now one of my favourite people to talk to because she understands me and the feelings I had for him. It doesn’t matter if nobody else understands now… because she does. She also understands my interest in the A Song of Ice and Fire series as she is reading it herself. It feels good talking to another female who is interested in such a masculine series.

What am I trying to say? Those guys you get jealous of – they are guys, just like you. They have… or had… an interest in the same girl as you. Maybe they saw the same qualities in her that you do and appreciated and liked her for those very same ones. Maybe you have more in common with those guys than you realize.

If you view them as a threat and they still like her, aren’t you the bigger threat? You’re the one who is with her, not them.

As for the stories you hear, tune them out if it is at all possible. I know this can be easier said than done, but it’s better for you in the long run if the stories they are talking about before the two of you got together. She has her past and so do you, but you have each other now. You are part of her past, part of her present, and part of her future. Take comfort that you are her “now” and enjoy your time with her as much as possible.