I don’t know if this will cheer you up or not.
A month after my kidney surgery I had to go back to have a stint removed out of Ureter. Doc said it was no big deal and I didn’t have to do any special diet because it was just a quick office procedure. I asked if I could drink alcohol and he said sure fine… but stick with beer instead of hard liquor. I hate beer but hadn’t had one in over a year.
So my friends took me out drinking the night before the stint removal. I drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of pizza. I strolled into the hospital the next morning not feeling very well at all.
I was ill prepared for the procedure that awaited me.
Doc had me pull my pants off and recline back into this stirrup chair which looked like a medieval torture device. As I laid there completely exposed for all the world to see (including the cute nurse who said she’d hold my hand), the masked doctor waved a funny wand in my face. It had a hook that sprang out of the end with a light and camera attached. The other end was cabled to a computer.
“We’re going to put this rod through your Urethra, through your Bladder, and use the hook to drag the stint out of your Ureter where it meets the Kidney.”
“uhmmm… you’re gonna put that hooky camera thing in my ure.. ureth… ruauysll;gi…”
“Yes, that’s right… Up your Penis”… as he smiled and demonstrated how the hook jumped in and out of the #2 Gradeschool Led Pencil sized rod that was cabled to the computer… There was no way in hell that thing would fit up my penis! “Don’t worry… Skin stretches more than you think it does”… don’t worry?
The Doctor disappeared as the nurse squeezed my hand and put a wood chuck in my mouth. “Bite down on this hard… you’ll need it”.
Poof! A little trap door opened up between my high flung stirrup legs and the masked doctor poked his head up wielding the hooky rod grabber right in front of my business.
“This will feel a little awkward because it’s going the wrong way down a one way street” he chuckled under his breath.
Biting the wood chuck, I tried to say “Wait! I have to go to the bathroom”!. But the nurse just squeezed my hand tighter and said “Don’t worry it won’t hurt much… not much”.
I felt everything… The doctor had no training in gentleness. And though the vicious growls behind my hard bit wood chuck could not be translated as well spoken English, it was understood by all that my message was clearly “YOU LIED MOTHERFUCKER IT HURTS LIKE FUCKING HELL GET THAT FUCKING THING OUT NOW!!!”
And then it happened… I couldn’t hold it any longer. The beer and pizza from the late night before had won the moment. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to warn him but the woodchuck wouldn’t be denied muffling my anguish…
I spewed SHIT all over the doctors face!
For a short moment, the pain was drowned away in the relief of letting it all go. In a second joy was upon me. Heaven touches us in the most peculiar ways you know?
Alas, my moment of bliss was short lived. The pain returned as the doctor leapt up through the trap door and smashed his shoulder into the base of my throne. He dropped the hooky monster and stopped the procedure midway to wash his face and hands in the sink before returning to finish his work.
“We’ll have no more of that now… ummmkay?”
My eyes were bulging out of their sockets. And landing a pitiful gaze upon the nurses face they discovered her to be quite inept at keeping her laughter huddled under breath. She couldn’t look at me without snurkling deep throat and nose chuckles under flushing red cheeks that told no lies. Her hand squeezed mine erratically.
The doctor wiped himself clean and without making eye contact rushed back under the trap door to finish what he’d started. Gentleness was further away than before.
________
Well, that didn’t actually happen this week… but it did happen. I’d like to think that somehow, maybe, I’m a better man for it.
I hope your week gets better.