How to make friends from your enemies?

You can’t “make” them be friends. About the only things you can do:

a) create an environment which is friendly and welcoming, where – if they choose to be friends, they will feel positive about you (her) and not be turned off or rejected. You’re not going to change peoples’ minds by force, but you can make the atmosphere so that they feel comfortable about approaching and doing things. It’s the beginning of a process that leads, with luck, to friendship.

None of this happens over night, and impatience will work against her.

how exactly can she create that atmosphere, what can she do in order to achieve this?

That’s the tricky part, since we don’t know her or her friends, and that’s what is going to make the difference. From what is described, it could be as simple a smiling more. Or instead of sitting in an empty room, hang out at the fringes of the group – not at the center, but on the outside, for now. Laugh when everyone else is laughing.

Basically, this is group dynamics, and we don’t know the group. But I can tell you that making the decision to be with the group – even on the periphery – will be more likely successful than making a choice to pull away.

@elbanditoroso that was really helpful :D
Ok then what should she do next?

Check out this link and particularly Law # 2.

Conformism never works because in the end you can only be happy with who you are as a person, not as you want others to perceive you. When others see that you’re happy with yourself and you don’t care what they think you are more likely to attract like minded company.

I think that most problems arise when people feel they can’t be themselves. The way I see it you are better off alone than with bad company. If you stick to your guns eventually somebody will respond to you (I mean in general) in a positive way. You can’t make your enemies your friends nor should you try to. I don’t think that what you described makes one an ‘enemy’ though.

If she has trouble talking with others, then she should try this tried and true method. Ask people about themselves, their interests. Ask questions and listen, really listen, to the answers.

I think she will find that other kids are more like her than she realizes.

It seems these kids are just not a good fit for her. We aren’t going to like everybody and not everybody will like us.
I agree with @Paradox25 as to not forcing oneself to blend, if it;s not a good match.

Sometimes we walk a lonely path trying to find relationships that are a good match.
Maybe one or two of these people would be a good match, one on one, but not as part of a bigger group.’

As far as the word “enemy” goes, well…I like the biblical saying of ” love your enemies”—I am not religious, but, appriceate wisdom in all it’s sources.—

To ” love” ones enemies means to not HAVE any enemies, which means, instead of turning anyone into an “enemy” you simply accept that some people are not good for you, who they are or what they do is not good for you, and you avoid them without being critical or judgmental about who they are.

@Coloma Personal experiences are where those words came from (been there done that). I just cringe at the thought of all of the advice from the self-help ‘experts’ out there that repeatedly teach us how we can learn to ‘fit in’. The ‘experts’ are rarely that direct but when you read the drabble you clearly see that is where they are going.

It sounds like she needs to stop avoiding people. It seems like she’s putting on a show, mostly for herself, and then getting disappointed because of the results. This will not work. Her heart doesn’t seem to be in it. Viewing the people she talks to as mortal enemies is a mistake as well because that may just show right through the façade she seems to be trying much too hard to maintain and they may resent her for it. If she wants to be friends with more people, it would be wise of her to appear more outwardly friendly instead of acting cold, detached, unapproachable, and emotionally unavailable. There is a proverb (Proverbs 18:24 from the Bible, actually) that says at the beginning “A man that hath friends must show himself friendly…” It sounds like good advice to me. It doesn’t matter if your cousin is Christian or not. It’s advice anyone can follow.

@silverangel – when I was in Grade 10 I switched schools. I switched schools again for grade 11 and 12..and as a naturally introverted person I really worried about how to make friends.

Here’s what worked for me..maybe it’ll help your cousin.

1. First step..pay attention to the expression on your face. If she’s naturally introverted and doesn’t talk to others much..suggest she start by trying to smile at others. Make eye contact and simply smile. Especially at others who she’d LIKE to befriend. A shy smile is a good first step. If nothing else they’ll realize she’s not standoffish.

2. Suggest she find and join a few clubs. My 9th grader daughter has made a gaggle of good friends with her same interests by joining Speech/Debate and Anime and German club at school.

3. If all else fails—ask her to research alternate schools she could try. I live in relatively small town (30,000 people) and in our area we have at least a few smaller public options including an Alternative High School that is particularly good at including other kids who’ve had a rough time elsewhere. We also have a “Sober” school that is particularly supportive.

For my own 11th & 12th grade year I intentionally chose a smaller (only 26 kids in my graduating class) albeit private school to try to avoid cliques.

Just because she talks to family doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a psychological problem.
All of us could benefit from counseling at one time or another and it sounds like she could now.

@geeky_mama ‘s alternative high school suggestion is a very good idea. I went to one to complete my secondary education as the regular high school I attended prior to my switch was not working for me and it’s one of the best things I ever did. If she doesn’t want to get to know people, it would be perfect for her. She could go there and focus on her school work. She might even graduate faster! This is, of course, assuming the alternative school is one like the one I went to. I’m not sure what alternative schools are like there, if there are any.

I think the alternative school is a good idea, I don’t think it’s an option though :/

If you want to make someone your friend, then listen to them.

Listen with the intent of understanding them, no matter how vulgar their thoughts are. Listen with the intent to fully understand them rather than to argue with or judge them. Eventually, they will have said their piece, and be amazed that someone took the time and showed the kind patience to fully understand them. Upon that foundation, they will naturally become curious about what you have to say… and be very attentive to what you are saying.

Upon the open dialogue, trust is won, and intentional friendships are created.

Maybe suggestions about the smiling and changing of behavior can help. but I was wondering is smiling all she has to do?
Actually what @RealEyesRealizeRealLies just said reminded me of something my cousin also told me which is because she always remained silent during conversations, as I mentioned earlier, people got used to it and when they sit with her they don’t start conversations with her and as much as she wants to start a conversation with them, she fails to find anything to say :/ so they all remain quiet. She tells me that she feels like they are waiting for HER to start the conversation…

Then start the conversation with a compliment.

Continue the conversation with inquiry…

“Where you get those shoes? Good price? How often do you go there? Will you take me? Could you help me pick something out for Spring?

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies that’s a good example, is there any other examples?

I can tell in the first 5 minutes of conversing with someone if there is a potential for any sort of relationship. Sometimes, again, people are just not a blend, and while it is very true that to show interest in others is important, it’s also true that sometimes people are just NOT going to hit it off.

Trust your intuition I say. It’s never good to force anything, aside from the most casual of social graces.

@Coloma, Those “casual social graces” come naturally to some. They are harder to understand for others. It has taken me 50 years to not have a panic attack in a social setting (cocktail party etc.) I used to see all that as being shallow. I’m finally learning to “play the game” even though I’m not good at it.

@Coloma “I can tell in the first 5 minutes of conversing with someone if there is a potential for any sort of relationship. ”

I think you meant, “I decide in the first 5 minutes…”

@6rant6

If you say so, either/or, semantics aside, I let my intuition lead and it’s always dead on. ;-)

@Judi Yes, I can understand that, well, not really, as I have never had social anxiety, short of giving a speech, haha…but, I am empathetic towards those that do. :-)

toke with em

bring them a bag of jelly beans.

@silverangel “that’s a good example, is there any other examples?”

Yes there are.

@Coloma, lol. I have no problem on stage or teaching. I either have a script or a purpose. It’s the improve of social mingling that kills me.

She needs to identify to herself which people she wants attention from and why. Trying to make friends with people who have no interest in her is a waste of energy. Friends of good character are more important than a squad of two faced acquaintances. She’ll get no respect if she appears to be trying to fit with just anyone, she’ll invite bullies.

@Judi So funny! I am the polar opposite, really comfortable with the banter, the ad lib, improv stuff, totally flows. I get really stressed when having to perform formally. We’re all so diverse in how we show up.

@coloma We tend to see things as supporting our beliefs. You believe you’re a good “first read” person. You find evidence to support that.

Really, though, people are complex, and some people are easier to suss out than others. Have you never thought someone nice originally and then been dealt a low blow by them? Conversely, there are people you originally disliked or disregarded who might have been swell folks. Saying your intuition is always dead on is equivalent to saying, “these voices in my head are always right on.”

Being quick to judge and impervious to rethinking is not a character trait I’d be proud of.

I suppose people who meet you might think, “What a self-righteous, arrogant, judgmental, close-minded bitch.” You’d certainly want us to consider revising our opinion wouldn’t you?

@6rant6

I think you’re reading waaay too deeply into my words.
Knowing who and what I resonate with is not arrogant, it is being discriminating and self trusting based on years of experience.

How do you reconcile calling me arrogant when you are defining my reality and invalidating my perceptions? Dude…time to whip out the SOS pad and scrub your pot a little methinks. lol

@Coloma Actually, no, I’m not making that judgement. I was just saying that people might think that. I was being a little tongue in cheek to make a point, but no, I don’t hold that opinion. And in any case, I’m willing to reformulate. Just give me a reason ;)

@6rant6

Nah…it’s all good, you can think what you want. ;-)