Does knowing the circumstances of someone's death change your perspective?

Does knowing the circumstances of someone’s death change my perspective? Absolutely. I have a strong desire for closure… and for good reason.

No. But…I have a good friend who found her dead brother after several days. This was 3 years ago and she still is haunted by the memories. It wasn’t pretty.

I think all you can do is do your best to push away the intrusive thoughts when they arise. :-(

Actually, I have contemplated why in our society the circumstances of someone’s death make the loss worse or better. For example, if there is a plane crash, there is a lot more publicity than if there is a car accident.

People are still just as dead.

I would say “Do not dwell on the circumstances of your friend’s death. Instead, try to remember your good times with him. Substitute images of those when the image of his death comes into your mind.”

The person is gone. How they went or what happened to their body after they died don’t matter to them any more. It might matter to me, but only as an issue I can work on to help others in the future. It’s not going to help my friend, and shouldn’t change my feelings about my friend’s death. I don’t care if you have a great death and your last moments are surrounded by friends, or if it is a death out of a horror movie, you’re dead and the circumstances of death can only confuse things. I want to mourn now, and remember you well. The circumstances are a side show.

Imagining the scene you describe would haunt me for quite a while, I think. I’m so sorry for your loss. Like most things, it will get better with time. {hugs}

I’m so very sorry about your friend. That would really bother me too. It seems like such a lonely way to die, to go a whole week before anyone really notices you are gone. I have not experienced anything like that personally but I have read of similar cases. And, yes, the person is dead and the circumstances don’t really make much of a difference to them, but it speaks to the person’s life, that they could die and have no one there, no one close to them enough to even notice. The dogs, well, if I understand what you are getting at, that is disturbing too. Your friend and his animals probably loved each other, but to be reduced to that… It’s troubling, no question. That would make me sad too; to know a friend died like that. I think it’s very normal to be disturbed by such a thing. You can’t simply gloss over it.

My best friend from college was killed by a short round of American artillery while serving with the First Cavalry in Vietnam. Another friend was killed when an RPG round struck the fuel tank of an armored personnel carrier in which he was riding. One of the men who served in my command was killed by crossfire from two North Vietnamese machineguns, his torso almost cut in half. Are those of sufficiently “less than optimal” circumstances? If not, I have lots more.

And yes, all of those deaths radically changed my perspective and my makeup in ways that I’m still struggling to understand.

Knowing the circumstances does haunt me sometimes. If they died slowly or in pain it would trouble me more than knowing they died quickly, but had not been found. I would not be as traumatized that the body was not cared for immediately after death, unless I saw the body maybe, and the person was disfigured in some way. I saw my grandma just before she was buried, because someone suggested to me I should because she looked very peaceful. I regret looking to this day. So, even the images of people who do not have extreme circumstance haunt me. I don’t like to think of people as lifeless, I like my memory of the person to be of them while living. It does not have to be that I actually visually witnessed the event, just the description can be enough.

Oh, I forgot about a murder in my neighborhood some years ago. A 17 year old kid that whacked his mother to death wiith a shovel. Yep, THAT was shocking!
I always waved at her in her garden every day though I didn’t know her. :-(

I’m sorry for your loss. Such circumstances do lead to lots of conjecture. Replace what you imagine with knowledge as much as you can, but ask for the information from someone who is sensitive to your need to dispel unpleasant imagery. I don’t know the true details of my sister’s passing and that bothers me. It’s not that the information is gruesome, it’s just that definitive information of the condition is simply not medically available. So I’ve been in a foggy state since she died, some days are better than others, and I have to remind myself that we don’t have Star Trek medicine today, maybe someday. So for now and forever, I miss her.

I was present for both my parents deaths. If I hadn’t been, imagining it and the endless speculation would drive me batty.

I am sorry for your loss @Kayak8. I don’t know how I would feel because I haven’t ever been in that situation but I think it would affect me greatly and on many levels. I don’t know how it could not really. I hope you can find away to remember your friend as they were and not how their life ended and what happened then.

An ex-boyfriend of mine, who died from complications due to diabetes, was found after a week or so in his apartment, when a friend finally called him enough times with no answer, so he dug out the spare key he’d been given and went to check on him. Jim didn’t have any pets or anything, but I can imagine it wasn’t the best scene to find anyway, and Jim’s friend has been mum on the topic. I realize it’s not a death in war or anything spectacular, but Jim was one of those hoarders who had just roomfuls of crap and a black mold problem. I can only imagine what that was like to find.

Yes. My father committed suicide a few years ago. He rented a U-Haul, emptied his apartment, and drove to an area in a state park where he knew rangers periodically patrolled. He shot himself in the head. But here’s the answer to your question: I eventually learned he shot himself twice. The rangers found him and he was still crawling around, trying to talk. When the medics finally got to him, he tried to sit up and speak. This was not what he had planned.

I can’t really write anymore about it. But yes, learning about that changed my perspective. Who was left at that point when he tried to sit up? Where was my dad?

I’m still kind of mad about this. I lost my room mate 15 years ago. He got very drunk and slipped and fell while walking home along a highway. He got run over by several cars. The gruesome thing was that he was still alive when the paramedics were on the scene even though he was badly dismembered. It was a horrible way for anyone to go.

I actually knew people who said to my face before the funeral—well, that’s what you get for drinking too much. Like somehow his loss wasn’t to be mourned as much because it was “his fault”.

I assume the dogs ate him? Let’s get the elephant in the room dealt with.

Of course that would bother me, but it would bother me more if those that knew wouldn’t tell me the details so as to not traumatize me. It comes from having an active imagination. I can always imagine things worse than they really were.

I have not known anyone who died a horrible death, but I am sure the thought would be haunting. I am sorry for your loss.