How do you deal with a lazy overly dependent teenager?

He’s probably that way for a very good reason – mama lets him

Tell Mama to button up her blouse!

Start with treating him as an adult. I wouldn’t give a fuck what you said if you talked to me that way.

I’ll start treating him like an adult when he gets his ass out of my living room and quits begging his mother and others for money and quits acting like an ass! You get wjat you give…and he ain’t giving Mac!

So he needs to respect you before you will respect him. Gotcha.

Is his mother on board with your program? If not, I don’t think things will go well. Does he any any plans? dreams? Does he get support for those or only what you find acceptable? Actually, with your attitude, he will probably want to get away pretty quickly.

I take it your not his father, am I right?

Sounds like a classic triangle to me. And it doesn’t sound, from what you have written, that you are bringing a tremendous amount of maturity to the situation. He is the child (he’s a teenager—the brain is still developing) and you are the grown-up. You need to act like one—and that doesn’t mean using force. It means using sense and compassion and strength. And being a great example.

It sounds like your jealous of the kid, to be honest with you.

I think it starts with you and mom. If you are telling him he needs to do these things and she is excusing him from doing them, you won’t get anywhere. He will always play you against her. I agree, if the kid is almost 20 and not in school, he should have a job or should be trying to get into school. You and mom probably need to sit down and lay out some rules and HAVE HER BACK YOU UP. I’m not talking force or anything like that. Maybe he can pay some rent and some of the utilities. I think it’s only fair if he’s sponging. I think your biggest wall is mom. While I’m sure he’s her baby, there does come a time when you have to cut the apron strings. You may also tell him, at least I feel, that girls aren’t ususally attracted to bums that live at home with mom. Maybe that can inspire him. Good luck!

More info please. Is he your step son?
Are you married to his mother?
Why is he in YOUR living room?
Aside from obvious resentment, why does his presence disturb you?

(I’m guessing that you were mostly venting in this post and not actually looking for constructive advice, right?)

witchhazel has a good point. You and his Mother need to have a good talk about this and present it together to him as a united front. Tell him clearly what is expected of him, and what the consequences are for not living up to them. Give him some deadlines, and make them reasonable ones. The two of you have to be in agreement on the terms you lay out for him and stick to them if this is going to be successful for all concerned. Good Luck!

Counseling, all three of you. It’s the best way to learn how to get out of this.

Let’s get involved in long and involved answers to why and how. Better yet let’s give reasons for blame. It looks as if you’re getting answers from the age and kind of kid in the same situtation. Why not tell the kid and mom you’re tired of suporting a slug.

@NVOldGuy You’re mistaken about the age of most of the posters in this thread. While you may not agree with the advice given, you should appreciate the fact that they took the time to give their input to try and help the asker.

If you only want answers from people who will agree with you, talk to your friends, don’t ask fluther.

@NVOldGuy: better yet, let’s salt all the slugs.

scamp, I don’t know for sure the ages of all the people. Does anyone? I do find some of the answers to be more in keeping with younger individual’s idea of a lifestyle than adults. “Treat him like an adult ? You sound jealous? Why does his presence disturb you?” Why should someone have to make excuses or seek counseling for not wanting to support a dead beat.

because the “dead beat” is only 19!
And he is a “dead beat” because that’s how he was raised aparently!
If he is not the kids father its not really any of his buisness, its up to the kids mother.
And if he feels that he doesn’t want to pay for this kid to be a “dead beat” then he should sit down with the mom and figure out how much its costing them for the kid to live there each month and tell the kid or the mom they get to pay that amount each month in rent.

@NVOldGuy Once again, although you may not agree with the advice the posters gave, they did take the time to write something a little more substantial than tell the kid and mom you’re tired of suporting a slug. I didn’t see anyone tell the asker to make any excuses, and counseling was suggested as a remedy, not a cop out. I don’t think anyone should be belittled for offering help. I do know the ages of most of the posters you referred to, and they are not kids.

It’s the mom’s fault, throw her out and the kid will follow. Keep her and reward her failure.

Or maybe you could do something Christian like and teach the young man to fish…

scamp, I leave the discussion to you. I admire your willingness to pursue the pleasure of correcting my thoughts. If on the other hand you had understood my brief answer it would have been clear, I don’t believe in excuses or molly coddling. I would also ask again the maturity level of some of the answers. I leave with the thought that there will always be someone to defend the use of the word fuck in an adult discussion.

If the question had been phrased differently I guarantee that the answers would have been very different also, the guy sounds like a jerk, if anyone ever spoke like that to me I would get rid of his ass.

Maybe I should hire you to kick his ass Cheebdragon!

(umm…I think she meant you, V)

<—- sneaks into corner with a bag of popcorn

@scamp Where she spies the fly on the wall (me) waiting with bated breath for the next move.

@Marina come into my parlor said the spider to the fly, ha ha!

Well….Put up your dukes and lets get down to it! BTW…have you got any kids? Teens? Tweenies? Forty year old worthless assholes living in your living room? Because…even though you (Cheebdragon) think you would get rid of my ass…this kid…“man”...whatever…can’t even look a responsible person in the face! Now….why don’t you tell me just what an asshole you think I am…when I and my wife work our asses off all day and come home to the Tweenie Moocher and his absolute shit!!

Is he your kid, yes or no?

Nope….if he was mine…we would not be discussing this matter. His father left his mother for another woman ( and I wonder why) when he was about eight years old. We got married in 2004. He decided he would just sit in school and do nothing (literally)...and the counselors sent notes. When he turned 16 he decided he would do the “smart” thing….in his mind…and quit….not to go to work mind you…although that is what he told his mother ( along with the promise to get his GED and go to college)....but to :

1. Sleep all day long….for about six months on a mattress in the livingroom floor….and stay up on his MySpace all night…when he wasn’t eating everything we had…or running around with his few friends (who all seem to have jobs and be normal kids)!

2. Make no effort to secure gainful employment….well…other than go out to a slew of convenience stores about once every six weeks…grab a bunch of applications…and bring them home for his mother to supposedly fill out…later to sit on a counter,etc, until they made it to the wastecan!

3. Hit his mother up for money….and his father….and his father’s mother….and usually get it…although it be a paltry sum!

4. Work on what supposedly is his life’s ambition…to be the oldest living 10 year old….unless he has a party to go to…or a girl to underimpress!

check your private comments

Looking at the time frame you posted above, it seems that he quit school right around the time you married his Mother 4 years ago, am I right? I can’t help but wonder if some of what is bothering him is in reaction to his parents splitting and you coming into the picture. I also wonder why it has been allowed to go on for so long. I think you need to set some deadlines with him and put your foot down. His Mom is going to have to support you on this. Like I said before, the two of you need to be a united front where he is concerned.