Are women taught to be more apologetic?

I don’t know if it is because I’m a woman, but this was a habit of mine for a long time. Even the apology for apologizing too much. It took a long time to break it, and I still do it on occasion. I wouldn’t be surprised, as women have historically been encouraged to be submissive in just about every way imaginable.
I am not sorry about my vagina, though. Just for the record.

I don’t think so. As I have said here before, I apologize for leaving the seat up, when I think it is crazy women don’t look at the toilet.

I think we apologize sometimes when we are feeling awkward, and we remember those moments longer than we remember those times we were feeling comfortable.

Historically I think so. Even so by today’s standards of understanding and sensitivity on the rise. I was raised in an Irish household with a firecracker for a mother whom would only apologize if you were bleeding but my sister will apologize for you having to tire your own shoelace.
I personally hate the genderization that happens with everything. I have in the past and still sometimes feel like telling someone to stand fast and “be a man” even if they are a woman. To me it is both old fashioned and a bit like slang.
I think there are two sides to the story and exceptions to the if’s and or buts but for the most part, I dislike that genderization still has most of the world by the balls.

I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I wonder if it’s better or worse than never apologizing (such is the case with many men). Maybe it’s a genetic predisposition.

In my experience I see apologizing as more a cultural thing than gender related thing, but I guess it might be a little of both. For instance, if someone bumps into me, I might say I’m sorry, even if I was the one standing still. I really don’t see anything wrong with both of us saying we are sorry. But, I know people who believe saying sorry is only for the culpable person, and if a person feels they did nothing wrong they will do nothing or be annoyed. Being apologetic I think promotes sympathy, I’m ok with it.

Also, a casual “I’m sorry,” is not the same as a formal apology for having purposely done something that cauaed someone else harm or sadness. At least they are different to me, but not everyone thinks the same way.

@digitalimpression What’s a genetic predisposition, women having to apologize? Why would that be?

@JLeslie I agree that it is definitely a cultural thing. I’ve never considered whether women are more prone to apologize “too much,” though it would make sense to a degree. I just wonder if it has more to do with the personality of the person, overall.

@ANef_is_Enuf Well, what is in my mind is for instance my inlaws are not keen on apologizing at all. They are Mexican. I don’t know if it is really cultural to Mexico, or just their family (Mexico also is like America in that my husband grandparents emigrated from other countries, so there is more “culture” at play than just being born and raised in MX). They would never say “sorry” in a casual way, neither the women nor the men. Even when there is a big disagreement or falling out, it only gets solved by a long silence, can be years, and then something will happen like a wedding to bring everyone together. My husband, thank goodness, is not like this with me, but he kind of becomes them when dealing with them.

Also, I think it has to do with having an attitude that people are purposely out to get you. Like the bumping in the hall example. If someone bumps into me I never think it is on purpose, but I notice some people think it is. They are pissed, or feel targeted. I think some of that feeling is either a family thing, or isl earned by the person through circumstance I guess.

Like @ANef_is_Enuf, I apologize for apologizing! I don’t think I was really taught to be this way though, and I would not consider myself a submissive person, at all. I just seem to have a huge guilt complex built in. If I had to guess, I think it’s related to my over-sized sense of empathy. I feel bad that strangers are suffering, half-way around the world. If I could manage it, I’d probably apologize to them, too. I’ve never considered if this has anything to do with being female.

If anything, I’d say that men are taught to apologize less. It’s ‘unmanly’ or something.

I don’t think this is quite quantifiable. I do think that sociologically women relate to apology differently then men do.

That said, and to speculate, I would say that I feel that perhaps women find apology more important then men do on average. And I do think that society especially in the past has encouraged women feel the need to be more apologetic. It totally wasn’t Eve’s fault and Adam was peckish too. I think that apology is an act of submission, and that those who are more dominate in society make those who are less dominate enact this ritual saying of I’m your bitch. I mean tell me, who hasn’t been made to apologize before in their life?
“No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize.”-Julia Child

@JLeslie yep, I am always stunned when I bump into someone and they glare at me. It’s a good question. Is it personality? Culture? Upbringing? A combination? Something else entirely? Thought provoking.
@augustlan I don’t think of myself as a particularly submissive person, either. Guilt, however, is a big part of it. I’ve said this before, but if someone accuses me of something or tells me I’m wrong, even if I’m 99% sure that I haven’t done anything wrong… I will wrack my brain just in case. Maybe it isn’t any of the above factors. Maybe it is my Catholic upbringing.~

@ANef_is_Enuf If something goes wrong anywhere in my vicinity, I feel guilty! I remember at my first job, some money went missing from a register while I wasn’t even there, and I felt just as if I’d done it. It’s an awful feeling, isn’t it? I don’t even have the Catholic excuse. :/

@augustlan I think guilt is the crux of this apology complex that people get. I know that I have had to battle guilt and over apology in my life and for that I need not look any further than my overbearing religious upbringing. See Adam and Eve & Sin.

And I think since the fact that society is, by and large, patriarchal and religious… It would follow that women, because of Eve and some other bullshit, get repressed and are forced to apologize forever for causing original sin.

I’m not saying apology is unnecessary or unhealthy in normal circumstances, just when it presents as a constant obligatory obsessive behavior… Blame Canada.

I don’t relate it to guilt. I am not saying that sometimes it is not a factor, but I see apologizing many times as more of a tool to clear the air, or acknowledge something happened.

@JLeslie I think that apologizing is healthy.
I don’t think that it is healthy to always assume that you should be sorry for everything, and some people really do feel that way. They take the blame for things that they haven’t done, or for things that should be blameless. It’s different than a casual “sorry.”
On the other hand, when someone apologizes too often, and doesn’t really mean it, doesn’t it lose its meaning?

@ANef_is_Enuf Yes, I think the extreme either way is bad. I am not the type to apologyze constantly, I have never apologized for apologizing as some of the jellies here have mentioned. If someone constantly screws up, and apologizes each time, eventually there is a good chance they will be told with a tone, “you are always sorry.” Meaning the sorry does not mean anything anymore. Like anything—moderation is probably best.

As far as taking the blame for something they did not do, I think sometimes that is what people are doing when they say sorry, and sometimes it isn’t. Again, sometimes it is just an acknowledgment something happened. But, if the receiver perceives the apology that way, there is a miscommunication between the people.

I thought only Canadians apologized all the time.

I think women do apologize, a lot. I’m always telling the women in my life not to apologize for something they have no control over. Funny.—Not funny “ha ha”, but funny “hmm?”

@tinyfaery I love the way Canadians say Soorry.♥

There’s definitely a gendered aspect. I think it’s part of the larger way in which women are supposed to take up less space, be the one who moves on the sidewalk when two people are on a collision course, be nicer, etc. And that’s not to say that I don’t know women who are really good with only apologizing for stuff that actually needs an apology (ie “sorry I slept with your brother”), or that there isn’t a spectrum of over-apology. Rather, it’s that I’m having trouble coming up with a guy I’ve know whom, whatever his problems (severe depression/anxiety, substance abuse, generally a bit neurotic, perfectionist, slacker, socially awkward, etc), would react with constant apology, especially apologizing for apologizing when called out on their constant and unnecessary apologizing. It seems like (as an over-generalization) the more issues a woman has, the more likely she is to react with constant and unnecessary apologies, while the more issues a man has, the less likely he is to apologize no matter how appropriate the apology would be.

I think women instinctively try to find ways to make untenable situations work. We have (most of us anyway) a great deal of empathy & compassion, & a reluctance to deliberately trounce on the feelings of someone else. I definitely think it is a gender related attitude. A woman has to make an effort to stand up for herself & at first it is difficult, but it does get easier the more you do it. Unfortunately, strong women are not generally admired by the male gender & a strong woman will frequently be verbally attacked for standing up for herself.

Story time: at college I felt like a fish out of water at my physics labs, the equipment was new to me and I had to ask the lab instructor (a man, bit of a jokester) for help now and then. I had incredibly low confidence about my skills and apparently it showed, because one time after getting some help he said, “aw, you didn’t blush this time!” I was really bothered. I thought about it for a while trying to figure out why this offhand remark bothered me so, and I realized that part of it was…..I don’t think he would have said this to a man. Even a man behaving exactly the way I was, I just don’t think he would have said it. And I started thinking about how there are so few women in engineering, and I wonder if it’s partially because it’s harder for us to exude the confidence and command that seems to be required to get anybody’s respect in this field. I need to work on this because I’ll be damned if I let myself get beaten down by that attitude.

@Mariah that’s a really good example, and now that you mention it, I can relate. I can’t think of specifics, but I know that I have had people (particularly men) approach me in the same way many times in my life. Very interesting.

I dunno, the women I know wouldn’t apologize for anything, heh.

@Joker94 I’m sorry. :p

@augustlan Not your fault :)

I think it’s more a passive/aggressive strategy employed by both sexes.

Does the pope shit in the woods?

Sure when women are bombarded by self loathing articles in the likes of Jezebel it should of no surprise women are brain washed to be apologetic when parent companies like Gawker media prides itself on “their inimitable delivery of news, scandal, and entertainment”. Anything to make a buck on the heels of ones vulnerabilities.

It’d be nice if both women and men were more apologetic, but to say that women are “taught” to be more apologetic? I don’t think so. That’s like saying women are more “sensitive and feeling creatures” than men are, when in fact both men and women are capable of intense feelings and sensitivity.

@Mariah I think your professor would have thought it about a young man who blushed and acted shy, for lack of a better term, but probably you are right he would not say anyting to him. But, he would still think it. So, the interaction is different for you, because now you know what the professor oi thinking, but it is basically the same for the professor, because either way he is thinking it. Maybe it is better if you have the information? I’m not sure, because I know I hate when men tell me, or any woman to smile, something they never do to men. I think most employers look at the work and not the gender. I really believe that.

It’s a harmony-vs.-truth thing.

Middle-class women are socialized to maintain relationships and keep the peace, even if this requires occasional insincerity. Men of all classes are socialized to be relatively more confrontational and are encouraged to be forthright, even if this results in open disagreement. Both sexes are taught to own up to their mistakes, so as far as sincere apologies are concerned, women are not socialized to be more apologetic in that sense.

It’s a more/less thing, not a strict categorical difference. The same dynamic can be observed when comparing cultures: some are more likely to favor maintaining harmony at the expense of honesty than others.

I’ve known women who ended every expression of their opinion or knowledge with a giggle. (“If we want to get this project done by the deadline, we’ll have to work on it this weekend, hee hee.”) Frequent insincere or unnecessary apologies are the same kind of behavior.

On the other hand, being taught to present one’s opinions in a way that doesn’t step on other people’s toes can be an advantage when one works in large organizations, which may be one of many reasons why women are gaining ground in the corporate world and academe.

No. What I do believe is when small children are taught to say things like “please, may I, thank you, excuse me” and “I’m sorry”, it’s females who are held to being polite more often than males. People excuse little boys more often by thinking or saying, “oh, he’s a rude little shite” but little girls get told bad things will happen or cost them if they aren’t polite.

I’m not sure since men and women are more likely to be apologetic for different reasons. I also think another reason this may seem to be is because societal gender constructs have created the damsel in distress mindset.

Terms like ‘men are the hunters’, ‘women should be less assertive and more feminine’, ‘a man should lead a woman’, etc plant deep seeds too I think. As a result men are less likely to be apologetic compared to women. It is seen as a weakness for a guy to be too apologetic and it is seen as a feminine trait to be more apologetic. Maybe some of this is the result of biological reasons but I still think that the majority of this is constructed behavior (It seems that most disagree with me on this).

As a whole? I am not sure. I can speak for my home… and if that is true here, it certainly was not intentional.

In my circles, people identify as either dominant or submissive, regardless of sex/gender. I find this to be a trait of people who identify as submissive, rather than of being female (or male). While more people seem to identify as submissive than dominant, I haven’t noticed that either sex/gender is more prone to one or the other.