Should I be falling for him again?

Probably not a good idea, just my opinion.

It depends on how he broke your heart, and if he’s going to do it again.

Every time you think that you are falling for him or you start fantasizing about him, deliberately recall all of those times he broke your heart. He is unlikely to have changed.

Stop talking to him and move on.

…he broke my heart numerous times.

Keep on walking away.

It’s not a good idea, but it’s understandable. Feelings are not the easiest thing to control. This is where logic comes into the picture… logic that you would be wise to listen to. There are times when you should listen to your mind and not your heart. This is one of those times.

If you get back together, you will probably just be reminded of the reasons you broke up in the first place and end up breaking up with him again. I know that walking away is easier said than done, but it’s the best thing you can do for yourself (in my opinion). I am not just making stuff up, either. I’m speaking from experience.

I was in an on and off long-term relationship. We kept going back to each other when, really, we should have stopped dating… and talking. We couldn’t stay away from each other forever, though, so we kept going back to each other. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I wanted him. He seemed to want me. I thought I wouldn’t be able to move on if we broke up for good. Eventually, we did break up for good and we _stopped talking. It was hard at first, but eventually, I realized it was for the best. I am now much happier without him in my life, even though I wouldn’t have believed someone who told me I would be happier without him while I was still with him_.

I think that if you stop talking to your guy… you, too, can realize that walking away from the destructive situation you are in is for the best. You deserve better, even if you don’t want to hear that. You deserve to be in a relationship that is not self-destructive for yourself… or self-destructive the other person. You deserve a healthy relationship… and if you stay in this one, you are not allowing yourself the chance to be in one.

There is obviously a deep attraction between you and this man. If you are together, it is quite likely that attraction will be ramped up. However, read through your own post. “I mean, We have been in and out of relationship status for about 5 or 6 years. I think that maybe I am starting to really fall for him again, even though he broke my heart numerous times.” What has changed to suggest anything will be different now? Unless one or the other of you has made changes to resolve the problems that occurred before, there is a very high probability that history will repeat itself. As @Gailcalled said…keep walking away.

I am going to be different in my answer compared to everyone else.

Maybe, just maybe, he now realizes what he had in you and you in him. It happens this way sometimes. Its like my Toyota Solara. I knew what it was like and loved it. Then, I needed a new one, but first I had to compare other vehicles for quality and dependability. None compared to the Solara.

It may be time for both of you to wake up and realize what you two have together.

You have to sometimes play the field, before you know that in reality, you two were meant to be.

Give it one more shot and tell him up front that you are scared to death to do this,,,,,again.

That this is the very last time and mean it.

You may be surprised !!!!!

How many times is “numerous”? More than once is a clear red flag. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

I don’t know the reasons he broke your heart but let me ask you these questions?

Is he esteemed to his friends and family?

Is he responsible and in good standing with his job?

Is he a good student?

When you’re out together, does he act with you like you’re the highlight of his day?

Does he talk you up to family, friends, co workers. Does his face light up when he talks about you in front of other people?

Do you think he would be a good father to a child or pet? Would kids look up to him as a parent and be proud of him- the way he is right now?

Just what is it about him you like, respect and enjoy?

@gailcalled About 6 times.

@Neizvestnaya Well he hasn’t had many chances with getting a job. He was a really good student when he was with me and respectful, but when we broke up the second time, he found another girl and completely took a 180. Then they broke up and he started being the way he was with me. I can’t really pinpoint anything specific I like about him, it’s kinda just the person he is, and absolutely like everything about him. When we were together, his sister(who is one of my best friends) would tell me he never shut up about me. He couldn’t wait to see me. I don’t know why he kept breaking my heart though..

@Mtrencher” If you can’t figure out why he broke your heart six (six?!) times, we certainly can’t. “It’s kinda just the person he is” is not good enough to have a mature, successful and loving relationship.

How old are you?

@Neizvestnaya has given you a really good check list. How do you answer those questions?

Not enough details. He may have broke your heart but what is missing here is what you may have brought to the reason(s) for him not meeting your expectations. If it truly was just all him letting you down then you should know by now his track record.

@Mtrencher So, is what you like about him the idea that someone seems to love you… based on what his sister says? That’s what it sounds like to me.

@AnonymousGirl It’s not the idea that someone seems to love me, it’s the fact that when I’m around him I know that he is understanding and just an all around perfect guy. I love everything about him.

Nope, bad idea. Plain and simple.

@Mtrencher Love can be very blinding. Do you think that’s possible in this case? If he is so perfect, why would he break your heart numerous times? What sorts of things have you been forgiving in the name of love? Why would he date someone else and then come back to you when things didn’t work out with her? Is it possible that you are a safety net for him? Is it possible that his sister has a bias—that she wants him to be with you because she is one of your best friends?

@AnonymousGirl I’ve never really looked at it like that. I forgave him for cheating on me, with my cousin..

@Mtrencher The guy has it made. He knows that he can cheat on you, leave you… and you’ll still be there to take him back if things don’t work out with other girls. Prove him wrong… if you’re willing to and if you can. Don’t let him walk all over you. You deserve better than a guy who is willing to cheat on you with anyone, especially someone related to you. You deserve someone who won’t take advantage of your trust, your loyalty, or your kindness.

@AnonymousGirl You know, maybe you’re right. Thank you for making me realize what he is doing.

You’re welcome. I hope things look up for you soon! You seem like a nice person and I don’t enjoy seeing nice people hurting. ^_^

@Mtrencher: He cheated on you with a relative of yours? While it’s noble of you to be so forgiving, that situation doesn’t say anything at all noble about his character. Keep walking away! A person who would cheat on you, who needs em. A person who would cheat on you with a relative though, that person has no boundaries, no respect, no farking clue about how to honor a partnership. Sorry.

Move on, it’s that simple. It will be all fun and cuddly in the beginning, and then he’ll go back to his old ways. That’s what I used to do until I finally moved on.

I forgave him for cheating on me, with my cousin..

@Mtrencher: This scenario gets worse every time I check in. You are not treating yourself with any respect; why should he?

Run far away; and perhaps find a therapist to help you sort through things so that the next six years bring you better harma.

He cheated on you once. Then he did it again. Then he did it again. See a pattern here?

Good God kids. If a partner treats you like shit, show them the door and demand better.

@Adirondackwannabe Seriously, people here on earth, who will actually treat and respect one for who they are. People seem to be trapped in their own little town however.. classic story.

@whitetigress Never buying into that..

I don’t even know what it’s like to forgive someone who’s screwed me 6 times. They’d never get to 2…

You may still find him lovable. That’s your emotional and physical reaction to him. Use your brain this time, unless you’ve learned nothing from your previous experience with him. If you truly enjoy him, and know the same thing will happen again, and that doesn’t bother you, go for it. But don’t expect it to be different, no matter what he says.

Is it good or bad?
I’d say it’s insane.

You know the saying, insanity is doing the same thing over & over again hoping for different results. What kind of results do you think you might get based on the previous 6 trys? lol

There is a reason that your relationship with this fellow has not worked out for reals. Muster up all of your strength and courage and walk away. Find someone, with whom you can have a real relationship, rather than an on again, off again/ infatuation/convenience/unrequitedlove/goodwhen it’s good/bad when it’s bad/goes on for years/never know exactly what it is/easy/feels good when it’s working for a few weeks or months.

This guy is a comfortable (yet unfulfilled) not quite real relationship. Unless something drastic changes with both of you, like going to couples counseling or having a life affirming public (it has to be public or it’s just more of the same old sh*t) revelation of love and comittment, then it’s just the same old rut. Rut after rut after rut.

Find out what you really want. Get some help if you need to, to figure out how to not keep falling for the same old crap from the same old guy (who never really comes through and always leaves in the end). And learn to realize that what you need and want are not necessarily the same thing, and how to learn to love what you need and stop worrying/fretting about some dude that you thought you wanted a long time ago.

As you get older, you will refine your definitions of need and want. This guy, although he might be a nice enough fellow, is not your soul mate or your destiny or even a “good match” for you. If he was, you’d have been with him and settled down/married to him by now.

Sometimes you just have to know when to throw in the towel and look for what you really want/need in a partner. This particular fellow isn’t it. If he was, you wouldn’t be on Fluther asking this question. Sometimes these dudes come around once, twice or even 3 times. And it’s usually when they’re on the re-bound or downtime from some other woman. Don’t even bother with him anymore. You gave it a shot, more than one shot. It didn’t work out. Time to move on and find someone better suited to you. Don’t go backwards, only move forwards.

@Mtrencher I had a guy like that from age 17 through 21 and went through a few cycles of him cheating, leaving, coming back, telling me I was the love of his life. When I got pregnant, he stayed away for 2 years, then came back and left again. I had no dignity when I was with him and it’s not a phase I’d like to have repeated.
18 years later, he shows up again and you’d think he’d have grown up? I thought so, but he was exactly the same—he repeats this pattern when dealing with my son, who knows the pattern and has no compassion for it.
Run, don’t look back, and in 18 years, if he shows up again, keep that wall up because I doubt guys like that change.

@linguaphile

You’re describing a pathological narcissist, they always return to old sources of ” supply” when the pickings are slim.

I have had several old flames come sniffing around again years after the romance was over, as soon as I let them know I have zero interest in recycling any sexuality or romance with them, all their flattery and pursuit just goes poof again and they evaporate.

Most recently I have had this experience again, a person I dated for about 6 months NINE years ago just showed up at my house one day a few months ago all full of seductive ploys, going on & on about how I was in the top 3 of great relationships of his life, being extremely solicitous, flattering, and as soon as I straight up told him I had no interest in revisiting any past encounters, he’s completely evaporated.

Oh yeah, “coincidently” he has recently broken up from a 5 year relationship.

Can you spell OBVIOUS & DESPERATE for attention? Gah! LOL

@Coloma That’s the beauty of experience—we can smell those cads a mile away and don’t feel we owe guys anything for “liking” us. Only the top 3? Pshaw! XD

@linguaphile

Absolutely….I’m a regular bloodhound these days, can sniff out a cad in a nano second! Woof!

@linguaphile & @Coloma You two reminded me of a post I read yesterday. I think you might like it.

Click here if you’re interested. :)

It’s about shutting a door on a relationship forever and changing the keys… because it’s for the best. :)

@AnonymousGirl GREAT site!! The OP should take a look there as well. Thanks for sharing!

You’re welcome, @linguaphile ! I agree. That site has helped me out with so much. :)

@AnonymousGirl

Yep, a tune up is good now and then, helps to remeber that snakes in the grass are very good at camoflage. lol

Only if you’re a dedicated masochist.

But instead of putting even more energy into someone just likely sniffing around for a handy booty call, why not spend some time and energy on yourself in personal growth.

Find a competent therapist to help you figure out why you went through this whole cycle five more times than was necessary. Then you won’t ever have to go through it over and over again with him or anyone else.

This will free you to give your love and loyalty to someone who deserves it and will
give you the same in return. Isn’t that what you really want? Isn’t that what you deserve?