I found out my soon-to-be ex-husband's married girlfriend lied about filing for divorce. Should I tell him?

Asked by CardAngel (949

) December 25th, 2011

A family friend told me he found out my soon-to-be ex-husband’s married girlfriend never filed for divorce as she told him she did.

My husband left me and filed for divorce after 19 years of marriage (25 years together in total) in October 2009. At that time he began seeing a married woman. She told him she filed for divorce in early 2010. Since divorce records are public record, I confirmed what the family friend told me. Neither she nor her husband have filed for divorce.

My husband has been living with his parents since he left me. He planned to move in with her in June 2010 but didn’t for some reason. He told me they bought dining room and bedroom furniture together in early 2010 and my husband has been paying to keep it in storage since then.

I am worried she is using him and that he’ll get hurt. I still love him and I am heartbroken over losing the love of my life. If I tell him about his girlfriend not filing for divorce, I’m certain he’ll think I am trying to cause trouble but I only want to protect him. If I don’t tell him, I will feel guilty when the truth comes out, especially if she hurts him.

Our divorce is not final yet since we have not come to an agreement about alimony. I am disabled and in ill health and have not worked since 1994. I don’t receive disability (although I have applied and appealed my denial) so I do need alimony. I don’t want to anger him because then he’ll push for the divorce to go through now at a lesser alimony amount and I’ll lose my health insurance sooner than I would if the divorce follows the current course.

Observing members: 0

Composing members: 0

8 Answers

No, don’t tell him. He either already knows, since he hasn’t moved in with her, or will find out eventually. If he finds out on his own, he can’t blame you for being the “bearer of bad news”.
Welcome to Fluther and good luck.

chyna (51598

)“Great Answer” (6

) Flag as…

There’s no need to tell him, he’ll find out soon enough on his own if he doesn’t know already. You’re worried too much about a man who didn’t care enough to honor his commitment to you. You don’t owe him anything, instead focus your energy on moving forward, you deserve better. Good luck.

BosM (4672

)“Great Answer” (4

) Flag as…

Don’t tell him. He may be the love of your life but he didn’t care about losing you or hurting you when he decided to engage in an affair. Let him continue his education via “Life For Dummies”.

Neizvestnaya (22667

)“Great Answer” (4

) Flag as…

I agree with the ‘don’t tell him’ responses. He will see you telling him as being brought about by your bitterness. Let him find out on his own and try to remain out of the situation. I am sorry for the pain you are so obviously still feeling.

Bellatrix (21317

)“Great Answer” (6

) Flag as…

I don’t think you should tell him. If you do, you will probably end up appearing jealous and like you are trying to sabotage their “relationship”. It seems wiser to avoid the drama! Stay out of it and don’t talk about her to him at all… or anything to do with her. Act like you don’t care that she exists as well. I know that may be easier said than done, but it seems like that would be for the best.

AnonymousWoman (6533

)“Great Answer” (2

) Flag as…

“Our divorce is not final yet since we have not come to an agreement about alimony”

Don’t tell him. Tell your lawyer.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies (30960

)“Great Answer” (10

) Flag as…

Shhhhhhh…...keep it to yourself. It could benefit you in the long run.

john65pennington (29273

)“Great Answer” (5

) Flag as…

Thank you for your advice everyone. I agree with all of you. My minister, however, thinks I have a moral obligation to tell him, but that doesn’t change my mind. I think it would be disasterous to tell him.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies, I have told my lawyer. He said it is none of my concern, has nothing to do with our divorce and to keep it to myself, so I will.

CardAngel (949

)“Great Answer” (5

) Flag as…