Can the absent-minded be rehabilitated?

I don’t think so but you can be tempered, I think. Like you, I used to get irritated by a partner who matches your description and I bailed. I’m married right now to another clutter buddy but I’m able to put up with a degree of it where before I wasn’t. It might have to do with my aging but probably more to do with me giving up a degree of control in the home and also being comfortable to speak aloud, ask for help to keep it neat.

What we do is wait for me to get fussy and cranky then we walk around together with bags, scooping up crap, doing laundry together, changing the bed together, dusting, etc. We both end up feeling a lot better, good enough to go and get some lunch or dinner out. He needs the pointing out of stuff, the pushing to help and I need the place clean. It’s not perfect or how I think it should go but it gets done.

It isn’t a character trait, it’s a habit and yes, habits can be changed. But like with a lot of things, the person has to want to change. Have a serious talk about the problem. If it’s something you can’t live with, say so, but not angrily. Ask him how far he’s willing to go to change. Ask how you can help him get there? Then follow @Neizvestnaya‘s advice, if necessary. Don’t nag. If he won’t cooperate, than you have a decision to make, are you better with him or without him? And you can be his mother and pick up after him.

You might try the barter system. Find something that he would like you to do that you don’t and then do it, if he will throw out what you designate as trash.

I don’t know if that’s something to rehabilitate. I mean you’re just annoyed ‘cause that’s not your style, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that kind of thing. Perhaps some people aren’t into obsessive cleaning or cleaning period. Other absent-minded people (I’d put myself, arrogantly, into this group) just have bigger things to think about than how clean our laundry is, like those goofy professors who get the universe but don’t know where their glasses are. It just makes no difference to me, a little dirt or a lot of dirt or whatever as long as my brain is alive.

I have been married to such a person for 28 years, and nothing I have tried works. He literally does not notice what he doesn’t want to.

I have been married to such a person for 15 years, and nothing I have tried works. She literally does not notice what she doesn’t want to.

apologies to @marinelife

My wife regularly misplaces her keys or her bank card, her purse is jammed with papers and stuff, her car is a disaster, she’s terribly disorganized, and a huge slob.

We’ve talked about this endlessly. Her basic position is as follows:

“Why should I bother house cleaning? Youre just gonna do it anyway.”

“I don’t even notice clutter. I have bigger things to worry about.”

“I wish I was more organized, but I’m not.”

“Ultimately, these things just aren’t that important to me.”

There’s really nothing you can do about it. As my great aunt used to say, “If you’re gonna bring home a duck, don’t complain when it quacks”.

@cprevite Seems like we have something else in common. (Grin)

@marinelife: Agreed. :^)

Here’s a typical exchange:

me: “Hey honey. This pile of clothes in the hallway. Clean or dirty?”

her: “Dirty. I’ll get to it.”

2 hours later

me: “Hon. This pile of dirty clothes?”

her: “What clothes?”

me: “The ones you left on the floor, in the hall.”

her: “I’ll get to it.”

2 hours later

me: ::picks up clothes, washes & dries them, hangs them in her closet::

2 days later

her: “Honey, where are my clothes?”

me: “Hanging in your closet.”

her: ”...”

I have tested how long it will take him to see something that he left misplaced by not picking it up. The answer is forever. i always cave and pick it up or ask him to before he notices it.

@marinelife @cprevite : And, asks Dr. Freud, just who has conditioned whom to bend to whose will? Who’s really in charge?

@freudcalled: Oh fear not. I have no illusions I am in charge of anything. ;^)