Can you give me some advice on how to proceed with this issue regarding my children?

Did you ask anyone to help you at the times you wanted help?

You have every right to be angry, but you should also voice when you want help. Not because adults shouldn’t know enough to step up and help, but I think that with our children, they develop this sense of their parents being super-parents. Mom probably didn’t ask for help with the dishes… because she is SUPER-MOM.
I don’t think that excuses being inconsiderate of how much work you put into things like this, and not helping, but I bet that is at least part of the mindset behind it.

How about: “We had a wonderful Christmas celebration and I thank you all for coming. I have one gripe and it may be my own fault, but, no one helped me. Now that you’re all grown, and I’m not getting any younger, I would like to suggest we make Christmas a more cooperative effort. Next year, let’s agree who will do what ahead of time. It may be cooking or cleaning or decorating the tree, but I don’t think I want to do it by myself any more. What do you think? Please let me know. Love, Your name.”
I suspect you’ve trained them to expect you to do it all yourself. It’s time for a change.

They are your grown kids so they can handle it if you call them out and tell them what’s expected as help during family gatherings.

For years I skipped this because my immediate family has a routine and everyone knows to help, even the new bf’s or spouses and visiting friends. It helps when people are similar that way. Right now though, I’ve got stepkids raised very differently than my family or friends I’m used to being with during holidays. They don’t offer to help, they eat like barbarians and they don’t say thank you 95% of the time, for anything.

What I did was talk to my husband yesterday about how nice it is to share in his family’s traditions (parents) but for he and his kids to fit well into our family ways and for he and I as a new couple to make new traditions that include his kids and someday their kids that I want to see changes. He agreed and it will roll out. How about you and Rick talking to the kids and asking them now that they’re grown, to go along with feels fair and comfortable when gathered at your home?

I feel like you answered where you went wrong in your description. You shouldn’t expect them to read your mind. It is understandable why you are angry, but it doesn’t seem fair to go all ballistic on them after you didn’t speak up when you needed help in the first place. If you do contact them, it seems best to be firm, gentle, respectful, and understanding.

I like @Sunny2‘s idea. It not only acknowledges the problem, but offers a solution without being mean. It would also show that you enjoy having them over, but don’t want to be taken advantage of.

BTW, this is the most popular subject at work today, everyone sharing notes on what to do different, more smoothly.

^ What I find interesting about that is that… surely, someone must have the idea that if they can go and talk to co-workers about their problems, then why wouldn’t they be able to do the same with people they care about who are more closely related to them?

@AnonymousGirl: The reason is this for my group and we all agreed, none of us wanted to rock the boat during the gathering. Our families were having a good time, what we perceived to be the majority of them and we like to see that part so didn’t want to ruin the mood. Also, it feels weird to tell people over 10yrs old stuff you think they should already know or have grown into taking on.

Ah, okay… so it’s like an objective thing where people who are not emotionally involved in each family can provide their input?

My family tells each other off any day, even if it’s a birthday or a holiday. We’re pretty open around here, so the whole figuring things out at work thing seems foreign to me. ^_^

I’m not saying people should be like my family, though. Definitely not. We could be nicer to each other and be more thoughtful more often. We could also use some lessons on when to keep our mouths shut. :)

No, I specifically asked my daughter to help me clean the house, and she said she would but…well, she came in long enough to pull up a couple of rugs and toss them outside and sweep…then left to Do Something. I know she had every intention of coming back to finish, but for whatever reason she didn’t make it back on time and I know she felt bad. Since she was coming in while we were gone to take care of the dogs, I really thought she’d make up for it. I really did. The fact that she didn’t just got me to thinking about ALL the kids.

On Thanksgiving we went to my son’s house. His girlfriend cooked, and my oldest daughter (other daughter) and I pitched in to clean up her kitchen before we left. They KNOW that some help is expected. They aren’t spoiled brats. I didn’t have the time or the money to spoil them. They’ve always been expected to pitch in and do their share. In fact, a few weeks ago my son helped us move a heavy cabinet. His friend came by and I said, “Hey..you guys need to get that upstairs!” His friend said, “You know you’re at your mom’s house when you get put to work right off the bat!” You’re right @Neizvestnaya…it would be odd to order them around like I did when they were younger. And it would feel rude for me to come right out and ask one of them to clean up the house while we’re gone, and they DO know better. That’s why I’m a bit floored.

I really need to say something, but I don’t want to start out with “YOU UNGRATEFUL, INCONSIDERATE SONS N BITCHES!!!!” which is what I feel like. @Sunny2 Nice….I’ll work something up and share it with you guys.

Thanks for letting me vent you guys!

I love what you said here:

“I really need to say something, but I don’t want to start out with ‘YOU UNGRATEFUL, INCONSIDERATE SONS N BITCHES!!!!’ which is what I feel like.”

It made me laugh and came across quite humourously and well.

Thank you for clarifying what you meant as well!

You’re welcome, I’m sure, from all of us,.. and feel free to vent any time. ^_^

Maybe you could incorporate your effective sense of humour into the letter(s). :)

@Dutchess_III: I’m personalizing @Sunny2‘s suggestions for us to run by the kids when we see them again before New Year’s. This is our current project, to be able to speak up for what we want and expect without being mad at the moment of delivery. Good luck Dutch_Cat :)

:) @AnonymousGirl I don’t know why, but whenever I’m at the back end of being REALLY mad, still mad, but not blind mad, funny stuff like that pops into my head! I think that’s just me being mentally healthy. : )

I’m glad I asked this question @Neizvestnaya, especially since it’s giving you, and I hope others, some ideas. : )

:)

I think there is some truth to that Super Mom thing, too. You do seem like you are one and like you can take care of and handle yourself.

In a way, it’s a compliment. ^_^

We went through this same situation for about five years at my mothers house. After five years and no offers to help clean Christmas dinner dishes, my wife also became pi___ed at other family member, for not helping my mother, who cooked all the Christmas dinner.

My wife finally had had enough and began giving out order to family members. She did not ask, she TOLD them to get off their ass and come help.

They did help, reluctantly. I am sorry to say that my mother does not prepare Christmas dinner anymore and I do not blame her.

In your letter, tell them what my wife told my family. “Get off you a__ or no more Christmas dinners” and mean it.

People will take advantage of a situation, if you let them.

When you make yourself into a very inviting doormat, do not be surprised when people wipe their feet on you. Delegate, ask for help and if that doesn’t get results….DEMAND!! I believe you just made it way too comfortable for everyone. That speaks highly of your desire to proved for a wonderful time but you do need to put your foot down and even stomp it now and then to get the help you do deserve.

@Sunny2 What a great answer! @Dutchess_III Let us know how it all turns out. :)

@Cruiser As I said, I am NOT a door mat. That is why I won’t let this slide.

How about this:

Dear Kids,

You know, this was really one of the best Christmases ever. It was like, The Gang’s All Here! It was so, so great! We should have stuck a couple of the guys in the trunk of the car and gone through the light display at the park. Then it would have REALLY felt like home!

There was just one problem. As you can imagine, it took an incredible amount of work on my part to pull it all off. I have to tell you, I was shocked and disappointed that no one offered to step up and help with the clean up. Not one of you guys offered to so much as get the mountain of pots, pans and dishes organized to clean the next morning.

As you knew, the next day we had to rush around to get ready to leave for Pittsburg. There was no way that I had the time to get everything cleaned. I spent a solid 3 hours on the kitchen, but it, and the rest of the house, was still a total wreck. I know you all have a lot going on, but you guys could have dropped in at any time to see if anything thing needed to be done, and given one hour each, on Saturday or Sunday, to help put everything back together or to at least make a dent in the disaster. But you didn’t. It was the most depressing thing to walk in on that gosh-awful mess late Sunday night. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying.

It was wrong of me not to ask but…somehow it seemed like it would be rude for me to ask you to do that since you WERE my “guests.” But you are also my family. And family pitches in when they can and with what they can.

In the future please consider the amount of effort it takes to pull things like this off, for anyone, and be prepared to step up in some way. Not just for me, but for anyone else who goes to great lengths to create a special occasion. I know you guys already know this, because I raised you right, and which is why I was so shocked and disheartened when you didn’t do it for me.

I love you guys with all my heart.

Love,

Mom

@Dutchess_III Perhaps a “doormat” was too strong a characterization. My guess is you just made it all look so easy for you to do all that you do….I have that same problem on big holidays and in my experience, if you don’t ask for help you won’t get it.

I then make demands that people pitch in especially the kids who live under my roof. They get a very descriptive written list of chores I expect them to do BEFORE the party to help. After the meal, I am not afraid to ask people to clean off and rinse their plates and stack on the counter. I will also ask that people pitch in to assist in putting away the leftovers. And I never have to ask twice either.

I know I’m a bit late to this party but I am not clear as to why you did not or could not just say, after dinner, “ok, I need some help with the cleanup.” It seems like so much less effort and less formal than a letter. My advice would be for you to, at this point, just mention to each child individually that you hope that next time they help you with cleaning up. Then at the next occasion, say “Mary, can you dry the dishes?” “Kathy, can you clear the table?” “Suzy, can you put this food into containers?”

I think that @john65pennington‘s suggestion of “Get off your asses or no more Christmas dinners” is a bit too blunt and rude for a family gathering and might be a bit too nasty and ruin what is otherwise a good time.

That’s the other part of the problem @Cruiser—my kids are completely grown and gone. Hail, if my kids still lived here there would be no question but that I would be ordering them about!

@jca…. We finished up late, and I didn’t really plan on cleaning up much after the dinner anyway. I was flat exhausted. And, as noted in my letter, since they are somewhere between my children and my guest in that situation, well…you don’t ask guests to help you clean! But a responsible guest DOES help clean. So…this was a first.

The letter is not just directed at the one dinner..it’s directed at what manners are expected of them at all future functions that anyone might have for them.

I would say that they are your children first, before being your guests, as they were your children from the day they were born. I would tell them “I was so exhausted after doing dinner and my feet were killing me. It took me hours to get the house back in shape. Maybe next time we can do it at someone else’s house. I’ll be happy to bring a turkey (or roast beef or whatever the feature entree is).”

I know the letter is not just directed at this one dinner, it just seems so stiff to have to write your children a letter.

Yeah, @jca. That’s true, but it’s a fine line between treating them like children, and affording the respect they should get as an adult. I think addressing it as I did walked that line just about right.

Ok. I sent a text. I finally realized that a snail mail letter was allowing me to procrastinate (for one, I don’t even know their addresses and I don’t have any stamps) and I didn’t want this to just die out. I needed to just get ‘er done.

No abbreviations. I wrote:

Guys—I love you and I know you love me and that is why I was really shocked and dismayed that none of you guys made any effort to come by on Saturday or Sunday and help clean up after the dinner Friday. I worked for several hours on Saturday but the house was still absolutely trashed when we left for Pittsburgh. I was so sure that you guys would surprise me with a clean house when I got back but…. well, I almost cried when I walked through that door Sunday night to Fluther…OK. I threw in a little guilt trip for good measure!. I guess I should have asked but, I mean, you guys are grown up. I guess I hoped you’d all get together and pitch in….OK, well thats all. I just felt I needed to say something—not just for myself but on behalf of ANYONE who goes above and beyond to make something special happen for you. Love you guys. ~Mom. (this was a damn long text!!)

Please post a follow up as to how your letter is received and what responses you get.

Thanks.

JCA
The Update Lady

@Dutchess_III: I just copied your letter and will be reworking it to fit my household. :) Tell me how it goes.

OK, update lady!

OK, Daughter #2 immediately sent back “I’m sorry mom I didn’t think about it…I can come over and help clean it really nicely today if you’d like….”

Me: Nah—Its done but thanks Sweetheart—

D2: I’m really, really sorry.

Me: I know honey. Just keep in mind for the future : )

Then I sent: I knew youd be the most dismayed out of you 3 n I didnt even want to send it 2 u. :(( I dont like it wen my babies r unhappy. :( Anyway,—don’t worry anymore, Kk? Hugs.

D2: I wanna do something to make it up, though.

Me: There’ll come a chance in the future. Be patient Little Padowon!

D2: It’s my YOUNG padowan….

Me: Well, shit! Just be patient, damn it!

So I left her smiling, which is good.

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D numba 1: said, Shit i’m so sorry mom. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

Me: It’s OK. Its all better now-I didn’t want 2 sit and stew an mumble so I frew it on the table. Thx for the apology.

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Haven’t heard from my son, but that’s OK. He’ll be there for me next time.

As a woman, I read the letter you sent and I felt like a man might stop reading after a bit. Maybe men require different handling. :)

I’m not trying to be sexist. I have six brothers and the males in my life seem to tune out faster than women when it comes to a huge blocks of text, unless those blocks of texts are something they’re interested in reading.

I’m glad to hear that your daughters responded and acknowledged your feelings. :)

Oh, he read it! He knows what’s good for ‘im! He’s got so much shit on his mind right now with his crazy girlfriend that I hated to send it to him too.

I believe he read it (or at least read enough of it to get the point). I’m just explaining why it makes sense for a man not to respond to a letter like that. It sounds like his response will be in his actions, not his words.

Actually, I think you know this. You did say “He’ll be there for me next time.”

Time for me to stop speaking to the choir, I suppose. :)

I didn’t expect him to respond. That’s the way he is. All three of them reacted just like I knew they would.

Spoken like a woman who knows her children. :)

: ). Yes. And I guess the raising and the disciplining never ends. It just has to take different forms.

I just realized it was a text you actually sent. My response was to the other letter. The post that started with “How about this:”. I like your text response better (the one you actually sent them)... and I’m okay with it. Direct and to the point, right at the beginning. Awesome stuff. Also, I really need to start reading things more on here before chipping in. ;)