Has your child or a friend's child ever been treated badly in a public place because he or she looked different from the majority?

(insert redhead joke)

Not an ethnic minority.. but my son has special needs. Needless to say, a great number of people do not understand some of the things he does (even stooping so far as to cast us dirty looks as if we’re terrible parents for letting him behave in such a way).

Just like @digitalimpression, people have cast me dirty looks because of what I have done or said or worn for example, but never because of ethnicity in your childrens’ case. They just don’t and can’t understand or appreciate everyone’s differences and unique qualities because they’re spending too much time trying to be the same as everyone else.

Just hyposthesizing! Could it be that when we feel “different” we’re more sensitive. When I first moved to this small town I felt different. Generation after generation live in the same town. Here I am a New Yorker from NYC and its suburbs moving to this rural town at 68 years of age. One of the women told me she could tell I was a downstater, whatever that meant. For the most part, people were nice, polite, but I was self conscious. After awhile I stopped thinking so much and made friends with newbies like me.

Hello. This is a good question. Personally, I have found that one cannot run from all situations, and that doing so can lead to further troubles, both personally (e.g., creating fear or inhibitions in dealing with situations) and socially (e.g., causing persistance in prejudicial beliefs). However, I think one needs to be aware of the realities of situations too. For example, if there child has recently had a few unpleasant incidents, then perhaps on this occasion, it may make sense to take an easy path for the day. It sounds to me like they may be a bit over-cautious. I think that can lead to insecurity, etc., too. So, its just something to be careful about. Personally, I prefer to lean towards the side of pushing into a difficult situation verses running from it. As such, I would perhaps lean towards walking into that ice rink with my child with our heads held high and big warm smiles and greatings for all. But, that’s just me.

It would not surprise me if another child said something that would make a minority child feel bad, even when the child had no intention of hurting the minority child. A white kid who lives in a very white neighborhood might say to a lack child they see, “why is your skin so dark?” Meaning no harm or ill will, and the minority child might feel bad just by being asked the question.

Although, I have to say in a public place, where no one knows them, considering every type of person is on TV now, I can’t really see something like that happening so fast.

I do think the minority sometimes is overly sensitive. I know we are not supposed to say that, we are suppose to support how people feel, but sometimes the other people can’t do anything right. If I see a person in a wheelchair, I usually look at them like I would anyone else and smile or say hello like I would anyone else. Probably some people think I am staring at them, it’s like you can’t win. If parents looked a little too long at your Amerasian grandchild in a small community, they might simply realize it is someone they have not seen before, or be curious, it does not mean they are treating them badly in my opinion.

I think your DIL is being way too sensitive. I’m white, borrn in America, and people single me out living in the south because I am from the north. So? My husband is Mexican, we don’t care if someone asks him where he is from because they hear his accent (he does not look typically Hispanic to Americans, and his name is not Hispanic) but his brother minds. His brother even changed his first name to sound less Hispanic.

Generally I think it is the person’s own insecurity at play. But, certainly some people can be cruel and offensive, but I just think it rarely happens.

@Deelon_Pearson Great Answer. It made me further think that the mother is teaching her child to avoid situations and perceive people as judging them. I think in this case the mom might be modeling behavior that affects the self esteem of the child, rather than as you say modeling the behavior of holding their head up high. It’s like the difference between my husband and his brother. My husband never thinks of himself as a minority, while my BIL does his best to hide he is one. Kind of odd when you really think about it.

And, welcome to fluther.

@Deelon_Pearson Helpful answer. Is there anything I can say to my DIL in a positive way that wouldn’t insult, so, that as you more aptly put, it doesn’t cause insecurities, fear of prejudicial beliefs, etc.,etc in my grandson? He’s 11 years old.

@comity Just to interject my thoughts, if there never seems a good way to tackle the topic with your son and DIL, and I would say if you say anything talk to your son, one thing you can do is when your grandson is with you take him everywhere. All the adults in his life count and influence him.

@JLeslie Trouble is they live 8 hours away. We skype often, email and talk on the telephone but, it probably has to be up close and personal to talk. Interject away. I love your ideas as I follow your posts!!

@comity – Hmm. I don’t know. If your grand son is 11, then I’m guessing in this day and age that your son and DIL are over 40. I tend to think that its probably not your place to try to direct your son and DIL, especially if they are older parents. Perhaps, you could politely drop a comment like “It must be hard to balance avoiding difficult situations that might potentially lead to prejudicial treatment and helping to maintain your son’s confidence by facing the world head on.” However, if you do drop some thing like that, it is probably for your own comfort. Don’t expect any changes or acknowledgement. And, if you say it more than once, I think you’ve stepped into the realm of the pushy grandmother. :-) Anyway, I don’t mean to say that I disagree with your goal or that your son might be causing more trouble, but I just think that these types of things are kind of personal matters. I tend to think that saying something could perhaps lead to weakening those always tender “in law” bonds. So, I would perhaps be cautious. Anyway, I suppose I also want to emphasize that it can be hard to really appreciate the issues others are dealing with. Maybe, some folks have faced more prejudices than others. Maybe, some folks are better able to cope with prejudices too. I like to hold my head high and fight through things. But, it does not mean that it always works and that the outcome is always positive and safe. And, it does not mean that everyone should have to do that. The situation is the problem. It is kind of hard to put high expectations on folks to “handle” the problem in some strong way. I think shy folks or folks with other values/views might have difficulty to do something like that… while they might fair better by teaching the child to be strong, it is hard for me to place too much fault on them. Anyway, I am just saying to be mindful of their situation and to realize that you don’t necessarily understand it, and, of course that it is really mostly their business. Of course, you try to help your own family, but still keeping in mind the lines of responsibility, etc. Anyway, best of luck to ya.

@JLeslie—Hi there too. I think my reply is similar to what I said to comity. I think the problem is the situation, and not how folks handle the situation. Many folks are different. Some are shy and briliant, some are loud and proud, among many other ways of behaving. And, we all face different people and circumstances that affect us. So, I would not be too down on your husband’s brother. Then again, I also do think that many folks wallow in problems of all kinds. I think ALL problems are best faced head on. One should strive to lean into difficulties and not to hide from them. Sometimes, people that feel much prejudice around them are perhaps not fighting enough to find the positive. So, I think they can likely best be served by adjusting. But, I still think it is hard to be too down on them… when the root of the problem is outside of them… And, especially, when such problems are real and serious problems like these.

@Deelon_Pearson I am not down on my BIL, but it is definitely about him, not the outside world. True he may have had some experiences in the past that cause him to perceive people as prejudice or for him to worry about it more than my husband, but that causes him to think prejudice and hate is all around him when it isn’t. He does suffer from some low self esteem, insecurities, and he is a minority in more ways than being Hispanic. In his own country he was also gay (still is :)) and had a Jewish name while attending Catholic schools, and indeed in his teens was not happy with Catholicism, and is the middle child (which he seems to fit some of that middle child thing if you buy into it).

I think most people have some generalizations and stereotypes about people, groups, but the vast majority of people take each person as an individual. Even people who are racist do it. Their limited experience or exposure might make them think that one black person, or one Hispanic person is the exceotion, but even still, once they spend time with the individual they get to know that particular person. I live in a fairly racist part of the country relatively speaking, I hear racist things said all to often, but being a white girl out in the burbs, I can tell you even what I here behind closed doors, all those people are happy to meet a minority who does not fit their negative stereotypes they have in their mind.

Usually in places with very few minorities, minorities are welcomed and treated well. It is when there is a lot of one type of minority seemingly moving in on other people’s territory that tensions begin. So, I think where @comity lives no one would blink about a couple Chinese people. If 30 Chinese people showed up at the rink speaking in Chinese around everyone, then maybe people would feel uneasy.

@comity I assume your son lives in a diverse place where they go everywhere without thought, so hopefully your grandson does not have much exposure to worrying, or even thinking about where he should or should not go because he is Asian.

@Deelon_Pearson Thanks for your able responses, you too @JLeslie! I’m taking a hiatus from Fluther for awhile and moving on elsewhere. Take care guys!