What do I need to save my marriage?

Not all relationships are meant to be saved. All you can do is let her know you care, but, it is up to her to decide if she wants to change her ways and be in a marriage with you.

You cannot force anyone to change, and if her partying ways work for her, well, she has made her choice.

The worst thing you can do is become obsessed and needy and emotionally out of control.

YOU need to do some serious inner work and ask yourself WHY you are so desperate to fix a dysfunctional relationship with someone that has made it clear that she is done.

I’m sorry for your pain, but, I am seeing an unhealthy level of desperation in you.

To want someone that no longer wants you is masochistic.

Welcome to Fluther.

There isn’t anything that “you can do” to save your marriage, unfortunately, except to let your wife know that you want to save it, and to attempt to get her to communicate what her dissatisfaction is so that you can resolve it together. If she has made her mind up to cast you off, then you have to accept that. Anything else would make you her jailer, and obviously you don’t want that.

Part of the problem, I suspect, might be “simple communication”. If you’re deaf and your English is only as good as it appears to be from your question (it is very difficult to comprehend), and if your wife is an English speaker, then it may simply be too much for her to attempt to continue that.

I wish you luck.

As the saying goes, “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours.”

There are many events that are occuring in the life of your wife and maybe I can help you to understand them. If she is 40 years old, she is approaching mid-life and older age is probably scaring her to death. She has discovered an approach to her youth with her friend and alcohol. This is not good and may never cease. Your wife may be going through the “change of life”. This means she is approaching her time when she no longer can have a child. This, also effects some women in strange ways.

You are at crossroads in your marriage. Should you stay with her and ride out her ever-changing attitude or should you divorce her? I understand you are deaf and this also may have a bearing on her actions.

Based on what you have told us, I see no future in your marriage with this woman. She has repeatedly walked all over you with her “flings”. I can sense a feeling from her as “I don’t give a damn anymore about you”. Sorry to say this to you, but you have waited on her too many times to “find herself”.

Divorce is your only answer and the sooner the better. She has lost all respect for you.

Both of you should go to marriage counciling then decide.

Basic human nature 101: People want what they cannot have.

If you want her to want you, then leave without warning or discussion. Avoid her at all costs. Refuse her phone calls. Ignore her texts. Spend time away and watch as her longing for you grows.

Discover yourself. You may find that you don’t want her after all.

Pandering to her will can only feed her ego, and justify her reasoning to disrespect you to the point of losing dignity. Nothing is more unattractive to a partner than losing dignity. Man up and leave her in the dust. Her ego won’t be able to handle that. And in her search to find resolve, she will begin to respect you.

Forget about keeping lists of how she’s disrespected you. Your cries for justice will fall upon deaf ears. Award the vexatious with the golden silence they deserve. Vanish.

I am so sad that you are going through this.

First, you cannot make her stay. You cannot force her to be in the marriage.

Her cousin does seem to be a subversive influence. If you can get her to come back, then you need to get her to agree to stop seeing her cousin.

Ask her to go to marriage counseling with you again and to be totally honest.

Get the book Getting the Love You Want Reading it may make you feel better. Get your wife a copy too and ask her to read it. See if you can get her to do some of the exercises with you.

Take care of yourself while you are going through these hard times.

What do you need? Honest communication.

Can you get that? Well, I think you have a tough time ahead of you. You should have learned some things about “fighting fair” from from your first counselor.

But you have other problems. It seems like you have difficulty using words with each other. You may be misunderstanding each other pretty badly That doesn’t help. Then if you run instead of talking, or let your actions speak for you, that’s pretty harsh and yet still pretty ambiguous.

You have to learn excellent listening skills. Learn how not to be defensive, but hear the partner out. Learn how to solve problems instead of blaming each other right and left.

Do you know what your problems are? Do you know what she says the problems are? Do you know what you think is bothering her? Do you have issues with her? It’s hard to fix things if you don’t know what to fix.

Did she have an affair? Or more than one? Does she have psychological problems?

You need to know what the issues are. You need to have better communication skills. You may need coaching to help you work through things together. Then you need to get the problems on the table, and develop workable solutions to all of them. Oh yeah. You also need to make sure that your vision of a marriage is the same as hers. I doubt if it is.

You’ve got a lot of problems to solve. You’re going to have to be very committed and work your ass off if you are going to make this marriage work. Based on your question (which is little to go on, of course), I’m not optimistic about your chances.

All you can do in any situation is love her. As hard as it may be, if you are in love with her and care about her then respect her wishes to move on. Try suggesting consul or try giving her her space to see if she comes back.
Best of luck friend. I am sorry for your broken heart. That kind of pain hurts like no other.

Get out of there before you do more harm to yourself. The longer you stay the more it’s going to hurt and I don’t know if it’s really worth it!

I am truly sorry to hear this. I believe some marriages can be saved with extra-effort and extra-love. Try to get her to sit down and communicate her problems with you. Tell her that your still madly in love with her and that your willing to do whatever it takes to keep this marriage alive. If she doesn’t agree to talk about it or she doesn’t want to work things out, you can’t blame yourself for that. It would be her fault the marriage failed. If that’s the case, do everything you can to move on. It’s probably going to be painful but if you surround yourself with family and friends who love you, I am sure they will help you get through this. You can get through it I promise, just stay strong.

It takes two to save a marriage… no matter how hard you try, it will be in vain if she is not willing to try too.

It looks like it’s time to start looking after yourself…

I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like she is seeing someone else. Let her go….

You need to take care of yourself.

You got great advice so far. But it is time to take it to the next level. Assume you two will split up. Sadly statistically you being the man will be the one left out in the cold. Let’s see if we can fix that
Act normally. Do not mention you are doing these things to anyone. Not to her, not to your minister , not to your friends, nobody! Got it? Everyone you know should think you are still trying to get it back together.
1) Document everything. Your documentation needs to be factual: dates, times, locations. Data and evidence will be helpful.
2) When she is out take an inventory of everything. The jewelry you bought, the bank accounts, the loans, all your credit card bills all expenses. Make copies of everything.
3) Make a spreadsheet of all the bank accounts, the passwords, and methods for accessing. Go out one day and actually visit the banks so they know who you are.
4) Talk to your deaf friends about who they used as a divorce lawyer. .There are some that specialize in working with the deaf.
Here’s the tough one:
5) Decide what you consider too much and when you will recognize it is over. Write it down. Here are some examples : She goes out and comes home drunk. She admits to having sex with a stranger. She admits to having sex with stranger in your bed.
You have to pick the line .
The instant the line is crossed, you say you are sad and want to get back together. “Pleaase”. You even beg for her to stay as she is walking out of the house.
Then you immediately go and change the password on every account as fast as you can. You cancel her phone, car insurance, take money out of any joint account and misplace her car keys. Keep a spare set for yourself.
You can’t make someone love you and Life is not fair. You must try to minimize the damage.
These steps will help you be in a position of strength and back on the road to recovery as fast as possible.
Good luck.

@LuckyGuy

Whoa dude, a lot of what you are promoting is really unethical and highly manipulative.
It’s illegal to cancel a spouses car insurance or remove joint assets, and hiding her car keys, canceling her phone, those are all abusive control moves not self empowering decisions.

How assets and property are divided is up to the divorce attorneys and judge, and all that needs to be done is to take an accounting of the assets and file for legal separation or disillusionment, which will effectively freeze all assets immediately.
Then if SHE tries to steal, hide or sell any joint property that is listed on the legal separation agreement she is in violation of family law code.

I think it is highly unethical to promote dishonest and exploitive behavior in this situation.

A rare miss for you my friend. :-/

@Coloma. I know, right? It is definitely not my style.
Yet sadly it happens every day. This comes from personanl experience. (Not mine, thankfully – but a good friend of mine) The wife was screwing around with a fellow member of the church chior. (sounds like a joke but it is true.) My friend did not have a clue. They had two little kids and she was a stay at home mom so this was her chance to go out and see people. Well….. She and her friend were seeing the inside of a motel.
When the poop hit the fan, she got virtually everything because she was the one taking care of the kids, and they needed a place to say and he was working, so our friend was out on his ass. She also took a large portion of their savings because she was the one taking care of the bills. The money disappeared.
Note, I did not say tap and record phones or install a keyloogger on the pc. or any of the things that go on in a truly messy split.
It just gets the OP thinking. He appears clueless. Hopefully he will take a path somewhere in the middle.

By the way, sure the court will decide who gets the assets and will offer a supposedly equitable split. But that can take forever and will require legal fees. Let her new boyfriend cover the costs until the court demands the money be returned.

Just in case you were wondering, I would give the same advice to a woman in the same position.

@LuckyGuy

Yeah, well, I do agree in equal opportunity shysterhood. lol
Really though, one cheating spouse and one sneaky, stealing spouse, well…clearly it’s a match made in hell.

In my friend’s case the cheating spouse was also the stealing spouse. And she still won.
Sad.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this time.
Take time, think clear, communicate open and honestly.

Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
~Maya Angelou

So sorry for you having to go through this.

Isn’t it a coincidence how “Helen” comes up as the excuse when she goes on her little trips. Honestly, I think she is lying to you and has a “friend” on the side. Think about it, she comes back to you after these weekends away and first wants to separate and then next divorce. I don’t want to be hurtful but you need to open your eyes to what is going on here.

It takes two to save a marriage. If you really want to give it one more try, get to marriage counseling. But I think you need to ask her if she has been unfaithful. You deserve better. Good luck to you. Peace, BosM

I haven’t read every single post, but I don’t think anyone mentioned the possibility of you contracting an STD from her. I have a friend whose husband gave her venereal warts. Her doctor said that’s what gave her cancer. He GAVE her cancer!

Bottom line, if you do get back together, refuse to have sex with her until she’s been checked out as clean for 6 months or however long the doctor says it needs to be, to prove she’s clean. And if she comes home drunk, the clocks starts over again.

Sounds like your wife doesn’t want to be married to you any longer. I am sorry for your pain.

Let her go, and start doing things that will help mend your broken heart. It will take some time.

Try to get divorced through mediation and without lawyers as they will take almost everything that you have (financially).

@BosM I totally agree. She might not be seeing “Helen” at all – Helen might have no clue about these supposed meetings. Her name comes up often in questionable situations. It’s like his wife knows who he will be okay with her seeing and takes advantage of that and his trust. That’s why it sounds like she’s seeing somebody else…

Of course, we could be wrong, but it seems kind of shady. What kind of cousin would knowingly accept her cousin behaving like that behind her husband’s back—especially a husband who loves his wife?

It might be a good idea to ask Helen about those meetings. Saying something like “So, you’ve been seeing my wife a lot lately. I’m glad you’ve been such a good friend to her” might get the truth. Maybe it’s true. If it’s not, Helen might be confused and say something like “What? I haven’t seen her in a long time!”