Is my boyfriend cheating?

Possibly. That being said, it sounds like your relationship has deeper problems than that. You don’t trust each other. You feel the need to spy on him. He feels the need to accuse you of cheating. It sounds like this relationship needs to be over.

Yeah we haven’t been getting along for a while we have been trying to work on it but it just seems to be getting worse now. He accused me of looking threw his mail for money lmao! He doesn’t trust me at all and that makes me not trust him. That may sound stupid. But that’s how I feel. We just had a baby together and ever since i was like 6 months pregnant things have just gone down hill and arent getting any better! thanks for the input!

Ugh. Adding a baby to this mix complicates this matter even further. Do you feel the need to make it work because you have a baby together?

You’re welcome! I hope things get better.

Yeah I have been trying to make things work for our baby and the stability he provides us (i have 2 older kids that aren’t his) which is wrong I know. I do love him but I don’t think it is enough we just aren’t happy together anymore. And staying together unhappy is just as unhealthy for the kids as us not being together I would think. I just don’t know anymore. :/ I hope they do too thank you!

Trust your gut.

It seems like it would be best to split (at least for now). I know that is a difficult decision as you feel he provides stability, but you’re right… fighting like that constantly can’t be good for the children. If you leave, he might view that as absolute proof that you were cheating, but that doesn’t make his assumptions correct.

From what you’ve told us, it sounds like he is cheating. His behaviour is very odd. He seems paranoid about you opening his mail, even though it doesn’t seem like you care about that. That seems to suggest there is something in his mail that he doesn’t want you to know about. Well, you don’t need to know…. and you don’t need to snoop.

He has given you a reason to leave: his disrespectful treatment towards you.

Sounds immature and not ready to take on responsibility. Things may just spiral out of control. Sit down and have a serious talk and if need be, each of you should go your own way.

I have thought about use splitting up for a little bit but he doesn’t believe in second chances he thinks “breaks” are just to cheat… which I don’t agree with. But, I don’t feel like I should have to snoop but the way he acts makes me curious I guess. I want our relationship to be where he can trust me and me trust him but I know that isn’t going to happen:/ Also, I have tried to talk to him about this but he just gets pissed off and says everything is my fault and that i have changed which I haven’t I think he just wanted to see what he wanted at first and not the truth… because he is a completely different person then the man I feel in love with. I am going to try again… but If we do split he has already told me that I can’t take his car and I moved 3 and ½ hours away from my family for him so I dont know how easy it will be to do so…

Well, then… it doesn’t have to be a break. You don’t have to give him a second chance. You can leave. If he accuses you of cheating, so be it. You’re not cheating. Even if he snoops on you, he can’t prove it, because you’re not.

He says everything is your fault? That’s what he wants you to believe. Don’t believe him. Don’t fall for the guilt-trips. Don’t fall for the emotional abuse. Get out of there as soon as you can. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is leave. Do remember that he has a right to see his child, though.

You moved 3 ½ hours from your family for him? Are you still in contact with them? What about your friends?

Yeah he is a good daddy I wouldn’t take his baby from him. But yeah we moved to the town he grew up in which is 3½ hours from my family. We still talk everyday but they all work and stuff so coming to get me isn’t really an option. And I don’t have any friends up here we have only lived here a little over a year and I haven’t really had a chance to make friends… I guess I will just see how the convo goes and if things do end which I am betting they will because I am going to stand my ground (i hope) and figure it out then. If anything I will leave while he is at work and he can come get his car whenever he wants.

The deal breaker for me would be you going through my things, assuming we are a couple. I often delete things out of view for the very reason of folks getting slick and assuming things. Stay out of his things, they are his things. Take him to a public place and sit down with some coffee and talk it out. Relax yourselves and understand that you nor him have control over each other, only influence. If he is cheating then make your move to either forgive him or move on but going through his things and assuming things is very unhealthy for you both. Best wishes on sorting out the gunk.

^^ While it does sound like he’s cheating, that’s pretty good advice. Never accuse a boyfriend of yours of cheating unless you have proof, even if it seems like he is.

I suggest you get to a relationship/marriage counselor. Maybe he’s having a hard time with the changes in your relationship and the responsibility a child brings. You’re reacting to his strange behavior and compounding the issues.

Talk about what brought you together in the first place, why you wanted to start a family together, and get centered on what you want your future to look like.

You need to have an honest, sincere conversation of what you both want from this relationship. Do so soon, if he’s straying, or thinking of it, then you need to address expectations of each other now.

You have a lot invested in this, don’t give up yet. Good luck. Peace, BosM

You know your boyfriend more than anyone I suppose. I think you should just sit down with him and have a calm talk about all this. I think when people are doing something wrong, they try to place the guilt they feel on their partner. Like some jellies said, get a relationship counselor if it continues like this.
Good luck!

It is too soon to decide whether or not to break up. Having children together means a lot of stress on the relationship.

You need to work on the relationship. Do you have “date” time that is just the two of you without the kids?

Is there still romance in your relationship or have you just become roommates dealing with problems?

Consider getting “Getting the Love You Want,” a copy for each of you and both of you read the book and do the exercises together. It may help you rediscover why you fell in love in the first place.

Consider marriage (or relationship) counseling.

Good luck.

This is all great advice and I appreciate it! But the only reason I opened his mail because it was a package from Cabela’s and I was just curious not because I thought it was something wrong or something he was trying to hid. I just wanted to know what it was. And I have not accused him of cheating. I just thought his behavior was strange and that thought ran threw my head.. it hasnt come out of my mouth anywhere but here. But he accuses me almost everyday because I am on Facebook a lot and have a skype account. And i would love to do work book or counseling but he doesn’t believe in that stuff he doesn’t even think I should take medicine for my depression and anxiety. So I know that isnt an option he thinks things are just suppose to work out on their own. I think this is one of our n=biggest problems because he refuses to talk to me and if i try to push it on him he just gets pissed and blames me for everything. I am just completely lost…. But thank you all!

Your boyfriend may very well be cheating on you, but that’s still no excuse for you to log onto his Facebook to spy on him. One thing I value highly is my privacy and I could never be with someone that violated that trust.

Not gonna lie, this sounds like a ton of drama.

Having children is a ton of stress. I remember laying down on my bed when my first son was 3 months old and sobbing because I thought that I had made a dreadful mistake marrying my husband.

We eventually made it to therapy and we both committed to working through our problems.

I’ve been married for 17 years now and we’ve had ups and downs. The thing that has gotten us through has been well thought out support of one another. I never tear him down and he never tears me down.

It sounds like you need to figure out why you don’t trust him. Has he broken your trust somehow?

@Unknown82 So, you did go in his mail? I understand that the packaging seems suspicious, but still… it’s his mail, not yours.

Something else stands out to me—he doesn’t want to do work book or counselling? He thinks you can handle this all on your own? Is he one of those people who believes depression does not really exist, by any chance?

Yeah i opened his mail but he opens my shit all the time i was just curious as to what ws in it not because i thought it was wrong just because. and yeah he doesnt believe in depression or any kind of mental illness… he doesnt understand which makes it a little bit harder.

What will you do if your children get depressed if he has an attitude like that?

Well we have been dealing with a few problems when it comes to my kids… he is super means to them and he thinks he is just being strick. But I suffer from anxiety phobias and depression every damn day so I will not let him minimize the way they feel if that ever happens. I sure hope not! I think a lot of of things need to talk about and be changed and if it isnt possible then it just gonna be over. Hopefully i will be able to bring it all up to him tho.

In my experience, If a guy is always accusing you of cheating, then it does mean he is. Either he is very very insecure, or is cheating on you. I know from personal experience and when I talked to a psychologist about it, he said it was called “Projecting”...

Which he is projecting onto you. My ex did this to me a lot, and also accusing me of flirting on Facebook, etc…. I never was cheating and it turned out he was :(

I’m not saying your guy is, but it’s a red flag… Here is a description > Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people.

Your relationship has no trust, which is probably as bad as a cheating mate.

Boyfriend? Husband? Not trying to be a dick, but your wording is different than your first question.

^^ She also mentioned having an ex, didn’t she? :/

To be fair, though, I am probably just assuming that she has an ex because she said she has two older children who aren’t his.

@AnonymousGirl I didn’t catch that. If so, sorry for being confrontational. Just thought that was a little odd.

I understand. She didn’t make that clear in the question or description. She mentioned it later in an answer.

He’s mean to your kids and you tolerate that? What about what that’s doing to your kids? What about the image you are showing your kids, a mom who does not defend them and a mom who tolerates emotional abuse from a boyfriend/husband?

I would consider therapy even if you have to go alone, if I were you.

If a doctor says you need anti-depressants, than why not take the doctor’s advice? If a doctor said your leg was broken and you need a cast, you would most likely not challenge that decision, so why would a doctor diagnosing depression be any different?

In my experience with relationship issues, it seems like when someone blows up so intensely, as it sounds like your boyfriend is doing with you, he either has something to hide or he is trying to control you for some reason (or both).

I would forget the car, go back to your family even if that means being humble. It does not have to be a permanent move. Maybe if you guys are apart for a while, you will both have time to think about things. If you have certain things you would like from him or from the relationship, such as couples counseling, stick up for yourself and for your children and see if he cooperates. It would be great for your children to be around some supportive adults, like their grandparents. It sounds like where you are now you are isolated, which is not good for you or for your children.

If that’s one of your children on your avatar photo, she is a gorgeous girl and she deserves to see a strong mom who takes care of herself and her children.

Please consider posting an update to let Fluther know how things are going for you. I wish you all the best. My heart goes out to you with your situation.

JCA
The Update Lady

Sorry if there was confusion about the husband/ boyfriend thing. He is my boyfriend but he does not believe in marriage ( heartbreaking :-/) so i refer to him as my husband occasionally sometimes not on purpose. and nothing has changed right now but i will def let you know if anything changes thanks for the advice!

^^ Oh, okay. That makes sense. It’s best to call him by a more accurate title on a site like this to avoid confusion like that, though.

Not sure, but relationships are built on trust. If either of you have areas of mistrust, it will undermine what you do have.
A willingness to be vulnerable can be found in long lasting relationships. Relationships in which partners are allies, not distrusting or jealous. Relationships are not about finding fault or blame.
The need to form a mutually protective alliance is critical, especially if you have children. This need persists throughout life. There is a desire to be both cared for and caregiver, but a balance of independence.
Long-lasting couples manage to keep this vulnerability alive. Each person’s awareness of the importance of partnership underlies his or her attentiveness to the other. This kind of love focuses on the partnership and the ability to put the other first. As parents, you instinctively soothe your children’s tears, and in the same way, you are responsive and responsible to each other.
This deep caring comes easily at the beginning of a relationship. The newness keeps us attentively glued to each other when we fall in love. In the next phase, when routines and irritations set in, that love is tested. A deep connectedness in feeling our partner’s triumphs and setbacks as our own is a sign of the deepening stages of love. We are careful with our words and behavior and take care not to disrespect the other.
Remaining this aligned to a partner takes energy and commitment.
Be open and honest with your feelings and communication and ask for the same in return. Mutual respect is key. Foremost, do not argue in front of the children. Find a time and space to discuss heated topics away from their ears.

I wish you all the best through this.