There was one thing that sort of bothered me about being an atheist and that is that I didn’t know where transcendental or mystical experiences fit. Did you have to believe in something in order to be able to have mystical experiences?
I’d read Carlos Castaneda and Herman Hesse and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I had many friends who had had LSD trips and experiences with other hallucinogenic materials. I knew, somehow, that those experiences would be very bad for me, so I never took them. Turned out I was probably right about that.
So I craved these kinds of things—this kind of feeling of oneness and I kind of believed that because I didn’t believe in a God or in the mystical, these things would never be available to me.
It was the summer before I went off to college, and one night I was collecting my sister and bringing her home. Night had fallen. Maybe she had been visiting a friend. We were in a playground, ambling along. I think she may have stopped to do something because I remember being on my own next to the monkey bars.
I looked up. It was an amazingly clear night—something that doesn’t happen in the Pioneer Valley any more. You could see every single damn star in the sky—clear as if through a telescope! I fell down on my back to look up. I felt like I was falling into the Milky Way. So many stars! Millions and millions! Billions and billions, as Sagan would later say. Gazillions, as I think of it now.
As I was falling into the stars, I had this idea that all the stars were people, and all the people were the same—all together in the sky—no separation. That feeling of oneness that all the gurus talk about. It was my first mystical experience!
Nowadays, I prefer to think of it as a spiritual experience, and I in fact, that specific experience is my definition of spiritual. Spiritual means experiencing the oneness of things. It means, further, understanding how all things are connected to each other, and how they all affect everything else.
Ever since that night, I have felt that I could have that experience any time I wanted to. It is right there if I ask for it. I have never asked for it, though. I have had other kinds of experiences of oneness in other ways, too. Mostly through music making and dance. Sometimes it happens in other circumstances—I am usually somewhat wary of it because it makes me feel quite vulnerable, emotionally. So I keep my distance.
Honestly, I think it has nothing to do with the universe making people into anything, ideologically speaking. It’s really the other way around. We, humans, are responsible for our own ideas. We are responsible for our ideas of the universe. These ideas play a huge role in how we see things. How we conceive of things.
The truth is that we create our own conceptions of reality, and that is indistinguishable from creating our own reality. We can say that we create our own universes. Atheists, because they are not burdened down with anthropocentric notions of the universe, can take this understanding of the role of perception in the creation of reality seriously whereas for people who believe in a God outside of them, the notion is preposterous.
Atheists, I think, can truly understand the notion of oneness, because we can have a conceptual understanding that connects everything to everything. If you have an entity that is outside the universe, then it is separate from it, and oneness is not possible. Ironic, I think, since Christians are always trying to sell the idea of oneness with God. They might believe this is possible, but their stories and symbols create a notion of separation, not integration.
They say God is within us, but the very act of saying that actually tells the story that God is separate. Or maybe that’s what they really believe. I don’t honestly understand it.
All I know is that the universe tells me what it is not with words but with being. When I really want to understand it, I do not separate myself from it, but I allow myself to feel my part in the wholeness. When I lose this sense of separation from the universe, my perception is the only reality I am aware of and the only reality I can know. There is no longer any “out there.” It is all in here. My perception is reality. It is the universe. Atheism is a perceptual stance that provides the conditions under which the universe becomes.